How to cope with date, dating others.

[Lifeasasignlelady22]

5 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

If you cannot read him, then he's not going to be a good partner for you. Period.

I had an ex who was the most insecure sometimes downright paranoid person I've ever dated. Could shout my love for her in the morning and then in the evening, she wanted more affirmation. 

Depression is serious. Runs in my family. I am treated for it. I can tell people honestly that I have been in remission for two decades and before then it was a low-grade chronic, energy-sapping thing. I could always go to work and perform there. I just came home and had no energy. 

He should be able to tell you with reassuring specifics about his depression. Vagueness is not allowed. I would not date another person with a history of depression who is vague about their depression in the slightest. You cannot love someone out of depression. It's a serious and devastating and sometimes crippling condition. And being in relationship does not solve depression.  Plenty of married people are seriously depressed. 

Bottom line---get out this thing. There are only loud danger signals here. Get out! In a good relationship, the person reassures you period. Their presence reassures you. Their words reassure you. And their body language and the way they treat you reassure you. By "reassure," I mean you can avoid thinking about whether this person likes you, loves you, wants commitment with. If you have to think about this, then the relationship ain't working.

Get out! 

I agree. I think maybe I was confusing it with his conservative approach. My friends did tell me after meeting him he comes across as very conservative, his friends also joked to me about it too. So I just figured he was a person who played their cards close to the chest and maybe that's why I couldn't read him but what you said makes sense. 

He has told me he can feel happy but never happiness and so on that he feels the emotions but they are toned down. He told me he was on medication so I kind of assumed that he was managing it ok and didn't realise until I looked it up the complications and issues that can come from someone on anti depressant medication. 

I will have a talk with him, My schedule is full until Thursday so I am going to pull back a little on communication and so on and I'm pretty sure that will showcase his interest levels. I will respond to text and calls etc but I thought long and hard and will mirror his interest levels. 

I spoke to a friend about it last night and she told me to do exactly that mirror his interest levels.  If he is dating others or hooking up with others, you mirror that not by doing the same but mirroring it through my conversations. If its a case that he is treating me like an option I should treat his texts like an option, always respond and don't ghost of course but wait a while before I do. I know that sounds like a game but they way she explained it to me was very insightful. She explained that if he was still actively dating others that it was a sign of low interest and that I should mirror his interest levels until we have the proper discussion about exclusivity and if this is to progress further or not and she also gave out to me for sleeping with him without knowing if he was sleeping with others. 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

I agree. I think maybe I was confusing it with his conservative approach. My friends did tell me after meeting him he comes across as very conservative, his friends also joked to me about it too. So I just figured he was a person who played their cards close to the chest and maybe that's why I couldn't read him but what you said makes sense. 

He has told me he can feel happy but never happiness and so on that he feels the emotions but they are toned down. He told me he was on medication so I kind of assumed that he was managing it ok and didn't realise until I looked it up the complications and issues that can come from someone on anti depressant medication. 

I will have a talk with him, My schedule is full until Thursday so I am going to pull back a little on communication and so on and I'm pretty sure that will showcase his interest levels. I will respond to text and calls etc but I thought long and hard and will mirror his interest levels. 

I spoke to a friend about it last night and she told me to do exactly that mirror his interest levels.  If he is dating others or hooking up with others, you mirror that not by doing the same but mirroring it through my conversations. If its a case that he is treating me like an option I should treat his texts like an option, always respond and don't ghost of course but wait a while before I do. I know that sounds like a game but they way she explained it to me was very insightful. She explained that if he was still actively dating others that it was a sign of low interest and that I should mirror his interest levels until we have the proper discussion about exclusivity and if this is to progress further or not and she also gave out to me for sleeping with him without knowing if he was sleeping with others. 

I would not mirror his interest levels I would just treat him like you'd treat anyone. You don't need to force low interest. If he's that depressed that he chose to go into isolation that's different. But don't overcompensate for that. Also like others have been saying to you consider if starting a relationship with someone who is struggling with depression is what you want.

if his presence is not bringing you joy, something is off.

Edited January 23 by Alpacalia

[Lifeasasignlelady22]

4 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

do you want to start a relationship with someone that is this depressed?

I suppose I don't really know. I have never really suffered from it. Of course like others I have had blue days or sad times but I have never really suffered. I kind of assumed he was ok given he was on medication I didn't think about it too much. 

I think for me I wouldn't have any issue with it, if I knew where I stood. I wouldn't jump into a relationship with him by any means but I would have been like ok, if we are exclusive we can continue to date and see how things progress. I think that would also allow me to see how he copes with it etc. I don't want to jump into anything, I have been burned in the past because of it and ever since then I like to take my time dating someone. 

The last guy I dated we dated for I think 2 months before we decided to become official but I think it was early on when we became exclusive. I don't have an issue with him suffering with depression as he is treating it, that said it could all change after a few more weeks of dating, but I would go in to it with my eyes open. What I do have an issue with him continuing to date others/ sleep with them. 

I will of course ask him and explain that I have no interest in pursuing others at the moment and that I am not asking him to do the same and his response will pretty much let me know what I need to know and where I stand. As I would imagine if he is interested he will be like I appreciate you telling me and I will do the same and if he doesn't then I will politely say bye.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

I am fine with him dating others. I don't want to date someone who is still seeing others 

Please be honest with yourself. You're Not fine with him dating others. Do the statements above make sense to you? 

[Alpacalia]

35 minutes ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

I will of course ask him and explain that I have no interest in pursuing others at the moment and that I am not asking him to do the same and his response will pretty much let me know what I need to know and where I stand. As I would imagine if he is interested he will be like I appreciate you telling me and I will do the same and if he doesn't then I will politely say bye.

Okay.👍

I think it's very common for people to stay on dating apps if they're not feeling like they want to delete their dating app. It's because you're a 'maybe.'

How often does a 'maybe' turn into a 'yes'? Can that 'maybe' turn into a yes, sometimes, but I prefer to date someone that I am actually enthusiastic about where I actually feel like hiding my profile. That's the way I think a mature healthy adult would operate but this is the dilemma because we can feel so much uncertainty in the beginning. So you can either take the wait and see approach, talk to him about it, or leave.

I also want to point out that now you're wanting to talk to him about it because it has caused uncertainty whereas a natural progression of not wanting to date others isn't really the topic of wanting to broach this conversation. It's become an obstacle because you feel you have to compete with a dating app which now it really becomes an issue of you not feeling good enough.

Edited January 23 by Alpacalia

[Lifeasasignlelady22]

25 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

It's because you're a 'maybe.'

This is exactly it. I know after the 5/6 dates I've lost count. That I would gladly be willing to see how it goes. Not talk to anyone else and invest some more time and energy into it. However as you said him still actively looking does indicate that I am a maybe and I don't want to be a maybe. 

 

28 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

It's become an obstacle because you feel you have to compete with a dating app which now it really becomes an issue of you not feeling good enough.

It is exactly this. Its confusing, even yesterday he was discussing where he was planning on taking me for Valentines weekend and how he was looking forward to my friends birthday which isn't for another 3 weeks. He says all these kind of things and then talks about his other friends that he wants me to meet etc but Is still looking for someone online. So now I am like why is he planning valentines day for us, discussing plans etc when he is actively looking for others. 

Its a bizarre situation to be in as I don't think he is a bad guy. I cant say I know for a fact he isn't at the moment. But then why plan stuff and actively tell me he is planning them when he is still shopping around. 

It feels like I am in limbo, he seems to be saying the right things, that seems to assure me of his interest but then his actions show a different view. I know the saying actions speak louder than words but I don't get why he tells me he's planning to do all these things with me when I never asked or brought them up. Even like the above, I was chatting to him yesterday nothing about valentines was mentioned and he asked what I was doing the weekend before valentines as he wanted to take me away for it, then I'm like aww that's sweet. Until I remember he is still shopping around. 

[Alpacalia]

35 minutes ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

Its confusing, even yesterday he was discussing where he was planning on taking me for Valentines weekend and how he was looking forward to my friends birthday which isn't for another 3 weeks. He says all these kind of things and then talks about his other friends that he wants me to meet etc but Is still looking for someone online. So now I am like why is he planning valentines day for us, discussing plans etc when he is actively looking for others. 

Its a bizarre situation to be in as I don't think he is a bad guy. I cant say I know for a fact he isn't at the moment. But then why plan stuff and actively tell me he is planning them when he is still shopping around. 

It feels like I am in limbo, he seems to be saying the right things, that seems to assure me of his interest but then his actions show a different view. I know the saying actions speak louder than words but I don't get why he tells me he's planning to do all these things with me when I never asked or brought them up. Even like the above, I was chatting to him yesterday nothing about valentines was mentioned and he asked what I was doing the weekend before valentines as he wanted to take me away for it, then I'm like aww that's sweet. Until I remember he is still shopping around. 

Right.

Now you're in this panic mode and you want to fix it and that is not going to give you the most genuine reaction or a response from him. Then you know, that's something that you do need to figure out just try to step away from that panic or the concern about him. Get back to yourself. Make sure that whatever you're doing create some space and independence into your own journey so that you know that who you're meeting is someone that you genuinely want to meet and not just out of, you know, fear of aloneness and and fear of what's happening to you.

I am all for taking things slow but seeking others whilst seeing someone seems counter productive. If he's able to do that, then that's something you need to consider when deciding if you want to continue seeing him. If you feel like you can't trust him because he's still actively looking for someone else, and why he's even planning things with you and wanting to introduce you to people if he's still actively on dating apps, then that's definitely something to think about.

Do you want to build something with someone that is still keeping their options open?

[Lifeasasignlelady22]

8 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Right.

Now you're in this panic mode and you want to fix it and that is not going to give you the most genuine reaction or a response from him. Then you know, that's something that you do need to figure out just try to step away from that panic or the concern about him. Get back to yourself. Make sure that whatever you're doing create some space and independence into your own journey so that you know that who you're meeting is someone that you genuinely want to meet and not just out of, you know, fear of aloneness and and fear of what's happening to you.

I am all for taking things slow but seeking others whilst seeing someone seems counter productive. If he's able to do that, then that's something you need to consider when deciding if you want to continue seeing him. If you feel like you can't trust him because he's still actively looking for someone else, and why he's even planning things with you and wanting to introduce you to people if he's still actively on dating apps, then that's definitely something to think about.

Do you want to build something with someone that is still keeping their options open?

I agree, I am pretty calm about the entire situation as much as my responses might say otherwise. I do plan on having a chat with him. 

I will explain that if we are to continue to date and sleep together there needs to be exclusivity and that it doesn't mean we are rushing into a relationship or are serious but that we are agreeing to invest some time, continue as we are with dates etc to see if we are a match but that we aren't sleeping or dating others. 

 He will either be ok with it or not and if he is not that's fine, I am not overlay invested yet, but I think my gut was sounding the alarm bells as I can feel myself start to fall for him and my gut was saying you need to make sure your on the same level or you'll get hurt. 

I absolutely do not want to be with anyone who sees me as an option. My fear is I am over analysing the entire thing, although I don't think I am. I want to see if we are on the same wave length or not. 

 

 

[Alpacalia]

24 minutes ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

I agree, I am pretty calm about the entire situation as much as my responses might say otherwise. I do plan on having a chat with him. 

I will explain that if we are to continue to date and sleep together there needs to be exclusivity and that it doesn't mean we are rushing into a relationship or are serious but that we are agreeing to invest some time, continue as we are with dates etc to see if we are a match but that we aren't sleeping or dating others. 

 He will either be ok with it or not and if he is not that's fine, I am not overlay invested yet, but I think my gut was sounding the alarm bells as I can feel myself start to fall for him and my gut was saying you need to make sure your on the same level or you'll get hurt. 

I absolutely do not want to be with anyone who sees me as an option. My fear is I am over analysing the entire thing, although I don't think I am. I want to see if we are on the same wave length or not. 

 

 

That's all you can do. Let him know what you're looking for. It's not that you're over-analyzing the situation, you're just being practical and wanting to ensure that your needs and wants are being met before committing more deeply.

[Gaeta]

4 hours ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

I spoke to a friend about it last night and she told me to do exactly that mirror his interest levels.

Your friend spends too much time on youtube listening to really bad dating advise. If someone is not giving you the level of interest you need then you move on to someone better, you don't start playing 'dating games'. Sure if you withdraw a bit it will pull him back in, then what? You play this stupid game of push and pull your whole relationship?

Have an honest chat with him. Be authentic. This is a 5 date relationship, not a 5 year marriage. It's not gonna make you or break you. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

 he is planning them when he is still shopping around.  assure me of his interest but then his actions  I remember he is still shopping around. 

Is all this assumed from noticing an app pop-up? Do you ever know what the notification was, whether he acted on it etc?  Where you cheated on in the past? This rabbithole is extraordinary dark for someone who's treating you quite well.  Are you sure you're ready to date? 

[Lifeasasignlelady22]

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is all this assumed from noticing an app pop-up? Do you ever know what the notification was, whether he acted on it etc?  Where you cheated on in the past? This rabbithole is extraordinary dark for someone who's treating you quite well.  Are you sure you're ready to date? 

Yea I was cheated on in the past by two previous exes and when my gut gave me warning signs about them I ignored it. They where sweet, kind and at the time my gut kept telling me something was off but I couldn't quiet figure it out or why so I ignored it and eventfully found out it was right all along. 

I usually tend to ignore my gut feelings and throughout my dating experiences over the years but its usually right. I have always been someone who tended to over look certain things, or let them slide. Where as now after taking time off dating I realise actions show peoples true intent. This guys words are sweet and the promises are there for future plans but his actions say a different thing. 

That's why I asked the question here, I didn't want to jump the gun and I wanted to see what other people thought about exclusivity when dating. Its the same with when I say I don't have a problem with him dating others, its one of those things. My brain knows he's a free agent to do whatever he wants but I'm also like that's pretty shitty considering we seemed to be progressing well seeing each other a few times a week. I think its because I wouldn't do it to someone, and I would expect them not to do it to me either but that's my own fault for that thought. 

 

[Gaeta]

19 minutes ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

This guys words are sweet and the promises are there for future plans but his actions say a different thing. 

By his actions are you referring only to his presence online or there is something else?

[Lifeasasignlelady22]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

By his actions are you referring only to his presence online or there is something else?

Definitely his actions online, and then there a can some time between messages or conversations. Like he will initiate a conversation maybe ask a question and then reply 2/3 hours later. I didn't really take much notice of it until now. Like he might ask what are you up to for the evening. If I am on my phone I will usually respond straight away and then silence. 

Then there is this now that I think of it, he had 3 toothbrush at his place. Yes 3. I did ask him why he had 3 toothbrushes and he laughed but didn't answer the question. He lives alone btw. Not really an action but I thought I was a little odd that he has 3 of them. 1 electric and 2 regular. It just came back to me there when thinking about his actions.

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

Then there is this now that I think of it, he had 3 toothbrush at his place. Yes 3. I did ask him why he had 3 toothbrushes and he laughed but didn't answer the question. He lives alone btw. Not really an action but I thought I was a little odd that he has 3 of them. 1 electric and 2 regular. It just came back to me there when thinking about his actions.

I'm kinda chuckling too. Did they look, brand new or used, packed or scattered around the bathroom?

I don't know if I would go by that, I recall when I started dating someone, we were over at my house and I was looking through my dresser to put on a t-shirt. I happened to pull out a fireman's t-shirt, and he was like, oh are you dating a fireman? Then he said he would give me one of his t-shirts to wear. Honestly, it was a t-shirt that I borrowed from a female friend whose brother is a fireman.

Maybe he uses the other toothbrushes to brush his dogs teeth, or he just likes the different kinds? I have 2-3 different hairbrushes myself. But they're all mine.

[Calmandfocused]

There is a chance (albeit very small) that he was looking on the apps at the same time as you to check your status. Maybe he’s anxious like you are. 
 

But my gut is telling me this is not the case and that he’s still “keeping his options open”. I would be highly offended at this, especially if I’d slept with him at this point. 
 

You need to clarify your position with this man asap Op. 

If he’s not prepared to focus on you and only you then he’s not for you. It’s as simple as that. 
 

Never compete for a man’s attention. If he’s not prepared to make you his one and only then neither should you. 

[basil67]

7 hours ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

I will explain that if we are to continue to date and sleep together there needs to be exclusivity and that it doesn't mean we are rushing into a relationship or are serious but that we are agreeing to invest some time, continue as we are with dates etc to see if we are a match but that we aren't sleeping or dating others. 

Having a conversation is good, but please please don't phrase it like this.  Even if he is on the same path as you, it comes across as bossy and even a bit controlling

Instead, tell him how much you're enjoying his company and that you hope it continues.  Tell him you're not seeing anyone else.  Then listen to his response.

PS:  you're definitely overthinking the toothbrush thing. I have an electric and a manual one.  And having another floating around because I might have bought an extra when I stayed overnight at a friend's place would not be unusual.   

[stillafool]

On 1/22/2024 at 1:19 PM, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

I agree, but I think there is also fear of being hurt as has happened in previous relationships. My gut has never let me down in terms of sensing something that I might not always see straight away and maybe that's why I am now starting to become anxious. 

If this is the case why did you have sex with him?

[Lifeasasignlelady22]

13 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I'm kinda chuckling too. Did they look, brand new or used, packed or scattered around the bathroom?

I don't know if I would go by that, I recall when I started dating someone, we were over at my house and I was looking through my dresser to put on a t-shirt. I happened to pull out a fireman's t-shirt, and he was like, oh are you dating a fireman? Then he said he would give me one of his t-shirts to wear. Honestly, it was a t-shirt that I borrowed from a female friend whose brother is a fireman.

Maybe he uses the other toothbrushes to brush his dogs teeth, or he just likes the different kinds? I have 2-3 different hairbrushes myself. But they're all mine.

Haha, I didn't think anything of it tbh and still don't. Just thought I would mention. I have 2 two toothbrushes myself. One for my whitening products and another for normal use. It was only that I asked and he laughed and then changed the subject that I kind of thought oh, ok/

[Lifeasasignlelady22]

12 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

There is a chance (albeit very small) that he was looking on the apps at the same time as you to check your status. Maybe he’s anxious like you are. 
 

But my gut is telling me this is not the case and that he’s still “keeping his options open”. I would be highly offended at this, especially if I’d slept with him at this point. 
 

You need to clarify your position with this man asap Op. 

If he’s not prepared to focus on you and only you then he’s not for you. It’s as simple as that. 
 

Never compete for a man’s attention. If he’s not prepared to make you his one and only then neither should you. 

I agree, Although I don't think he was looking at my profile. 

He is a free agent and he can do as he wishes and date and or sleep with anyone he wants. I have got my anxiety back on track and can think more with a clear head, considering we have met multiple times, chat every day and plan stuff ahead of time. There is also a possibilities that he might think I might not be interested in something serious and this could be his way of dealing with it. It could be him pre-empting me to walk away. This might not be the case either but I wont know where he is at until we have the talk.

I will discuss it with him, but I might not get to meet him till the weekend so I am not sure if I should mention it over text or wait till in person. I would rather do it in person so I will probably stick with that. Its very hard to judge, hes active on dating apps while dating someone so that isnt a good sign and I am prepared to walk away from it. Dating shouldn't be hard and I do worry sometime that maybe its just in my head. 

I now know I am not someone who is ok with someone dating and sleeping with others after a month of dating each other. So It will be interesting to see where his head is at.

[Lifeasasignlelady22]

8 hours ago, stillafool said:

If this is the case why did you have sex with him?

I slept with him Saturday and didn't have any worries or issues. Then Monday I felt something off and decided to check. I didn't have any issues, or worries before the weekend. absolutely zero. I was just trusting the process and trusted he would be decent and gentlemanly enough not to be sleeping with others and so on. Yes naïve of me I know now. 

[Lifeasasignlelady22]

I should mention Saturday was date 5 so that was when we has sex. 

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

Haha, I didn't think anything of it tbh and still don't. Just thought I would mention. I have 2 two toothbrushes myself. One for my whitening products and another for normal use. It was only that I asked and he laughed and then changed the subject that I kind of thought oh, ok/

I wish you luck with whatever you decide. I know in your shoes, the whole dynamic would change for me. I wouldn't see him through the same lens as before because now I know that he's still actively dating others. It would affect how I feel about him and the relationship. You're choosing to bring it up or not, and he's choosing not to discuss it. Keep us posted!

[Lifeasasignlelady22]

On 1/24/2024 at 2:33 PM, Alpacalia said:

I wish you luck with whatever you decide. I know in your shoes, the whole dynamic would change for me. I wouldn't see him through the same lens as before because now I know that he's still actively dating others. It would affect how I feel about him and the relationship. You're choosing to bring it up or not, and he's choosing not to discuss it. Keep us posted!

So we had the chat.... and it did change the dynamic. Except it changed it in a totally different way.

He apologised and deleted the apps. He explained he didn't think I was 100% into him and he wasn't sure I would stick around, he also said he hasn't been with or dated anyone since meeting me. So I will take him at his word. Whatever happened since we had the chat, he has opened up more to me in a way I wasn't expecting. As I mentioned earlier that I found him hard to read that has changed completely, he told me I make him smile for no reason and that he cant wait to see me again. I have also got the I miss cuddling beside you texts. 

So I think while I was justified at the time as that is how I felt my anxiety played up big time. 

We also discussed that he suffered with depression and that I was trying to understand it by googling it. He assured me that he hasn't suffered with depression in over 4 years but he takes his medication just in case. He was impressed I was willing to learn about it so I knew what might or might not trigger him. 

Maybe we needed to have the chat in the end, as now I no longer feel like I'm limbo, but instead I am dating someone who would also like it to progress too. Again nothing is ever guaranteed but it seems to be now going in the direction I was hoping for and he has since opened so I am happy about that. 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

. He explained he didn't think I was 100% into him and he wasn't sure I would stick around, he also said he hasn't been with or dated anyone since meeting me. We also discussed that he suffered with depression and he takes his medication 

It's excellent you spoke up, because you were going down this rabbithole of cheating, toothbrushes and all sorts of paranoia and that could certainly make him feel unsure about you. 

He seems forthcoming and honest about things as well as taking care of his physical and mental health appropriately. 

Please have confidence in yourself and who you date and try to get the anxiety about having been cheated on before out of the way so you don't sabotage future relationships.