Lifeasasignlelady22 Posted January 22, 2024 Posted January 22, 2024 So I took some time off dating, a few months off. I recently met a man, it seems to be going well we have had about 5/6 dates at this point. I met his friends yesterday for food and it seems to be going well, he also met some of my friends for a coffee too. However, my anxiety is eating away at me at the moment. I feel I am expecting the I don't see this going anywhere text or call. Usually my intuition is spot on. I am not sure if I subconsciously noticed a change or something also he said when he was driving me home yesterday the only other friends you have left to me are X & Y, so that seemed to suggest he planned on introducing me. He already has a nickname for me, that I find rather cute, we have only being seeing each other for about 4 weeks and we haven't had a chat about exclusivity etc which is fine as its still early days. We met on a dating app, I haven't deleted it, but I haven't been on it for about a week and I haven't chatted to anyone on it in about 2/3 weeks. I decided to have a look at it and saw he was online. Again I know we aren't exclusive and he is free to date others, I have also noticed when he would show me things on his phone there would be tinder notifications on the top of the screen. I am a one person at a time dater, he doesn't seem to be. He hasn't told me he is dating others, but I would assume he is and he is free to do so. I am struggling with the idea of it though. I keep saying to myself we aren't exclusive and still only dating. However I feel like if someone is still actively dating others after at least 3/4 dates with one person it shows somewhat a lack of interest so I don't know what to do. For me I like him, it seems to be going well so I don't see a need in dating others as I want to see how it progresses, I am aware that not everyone thinks like that. So in this instance what do I do? Am I wrong in thinking that if someone is dating others while dating me is a bad sign? Especially given with have had about 5/6 dates at this point. Spent the night together, met friends etc or is this just me being anxious for no reason. Btw I am not looking for the exclusivity talk or anything like that. I suppose I assumed there would be some unspoken exclusivity out of respect for each other as there is on my side as I don't feel the need to sleep with or talk to other men. How do deal with someone who I do like dating others?
BaileyB Posted January 22, 2024 Posted January 22, 2024 28 minutes ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said: How do deal with someone who I do like dating others? I wouldn’t - especially if he wants to have sex. I won’t have sex with a man who is sleeping with other people. That’s my absolute dealbreaker. This would be the point in the relationship when I would want to have the exclusivity talk. And, if he says that he is not ready to stop seeing others to see where this relationship goes… personally, I would end it. I don’t think you can build a relationship with someone who is pursuing other people… 3
d0nnivain Posted January 22, 2024 Posted January 22, 2024 It's still kind of early. If him dating others bugs you & you want exclusivity, you need to speak up. I said something like this to my now husband: "No pressure but I wanted you to know that I am not talking to or going on dates with others at this point. I like you & want to focus on us. I wanted to know where your head is. It's cool if you are still playing the field but I thought you should know how I feel." I would have been OK with him continuing to date others. You are not so don't lie. Taylor what you feel to what you say 3 1
Author Lifeasasignlelady22 Posted January 22, 2024 Author Posted January 22, 2024 6 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: It's still kind of early. If him dating others bugs you & you want exclusivity, you need to speak up. I said something like this to my now husband: "No pressure but I wanted you to know that I am not talking to or going on dates with others at this point. I like you & want to focus on us. I wanted to know where your head is. It's cool if you are still playing the field but I thought you should know how I feel." I would have been OK with him continuing to date others. You are not so don't lie. Taylor what you feel to what you say Yeah I agree, it is still early days. It doesn't bug me too much but I can feel myself starting to fall for him and I think that is where the anxiety comes in as if he is dating others which he is allowed too as we aren't exclusive I am afraid I will end up hurt and then I also think if he is dating others it is a suggestion that he isn't as invested as maybe I am. I have told him I like him and he has told me he likes me too. I think it might be best to give it another week or two before I do mention me not dating anyone else unless if he brings it up of course.
Author Lifeasasignlelady22 Posted January 22, 2024 Author Posted January 22, 2024 32 minutes ago, BaileyB said: I wouldn’t - especially if he wants to have sex. I won’t have sex with a man who is sleeping with other people. That’s my absolute dealbreaker. This would be the point in the relationship when I would want to have the exclusivity talk. And, if he says that he is not ready to stop seeing others to see where this relationship goes… personally, I would end it. I don’t think you can build a relationship with someone who is pursuing other people… Well we slept together Saturday gone so we are now officially in the sleeping together phase. We had slept together beforehand but we just cuddled.
Wiseman2 Posted January 22, 2024 Posted January 22, 2024 1 hour ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said: when he would show me things on his phone there would be tinder notifications on the top of the screen Please be true to yourself. If you don't want to sleep with someone who's seeing others or you suspect is dating or sleeping around, please have the confidence to have the exclusive conversation.. 3 1
Gaeta Posted January 22, 2024 Posted January 22, 2024 (edited) I have never went on more than 4 dates before addressing exclusivity, often even less. This is my personal dating rule and if the man thinks it's too early for exclusivity after 5 date and sex, than too bad for him, he can move on to a woman that is ok with what ever dating style he's looking for. Stop torturing yourself, he introduced you to his friends, he likes you. He may be getting real bad dating advise on his side like let the woman bring up exclusivity or don't put all of your eggs in this one basket. So, be the woman you want to be, don't let men waste your time. Know what you want and put it on the table. Like D0nnivain said, express something like I am not dating anyone else, I want to concentrate on us, I will hide my online profile then listen to what he says. If he says he's not ready for exclusivity - move on! Don't give this man the pleasure of your time and body then he turns around and pay dinner to another woman. Edited January 22, 2024 by Gaeta 3 3
BaileyB Posted January 22, 2024 Posted January 22, 2024 (edited) 38 minutes ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said: It doesn't bug me too much but I can feel myself starting to fall for him and I think that is where the anxiety comes in as if he is dating others I am afraid I will end up hurt But deep down, it does bug you or you wouldn’t be here asking the question… and that’s ok. It is early and you haven’t quite spoke the words and declared that you are not going to see others… but you are developing feelings, you are having sex, and you are now starting to feel like he should not be dating others… that is a reasonable expectation. Your intuition is telling you that you need to clarify a few things before you get in deeper with this guy… and I just want to validate for you - you have the right to feel this way/have that expectation. I did exactly as Donnivain suggests, I told him that I was not dating anyone else and I told him that I was committed to growing our relationship. My partner said the same - When the time is right, it sounds like it’s time for you to have the discussion… good luck. Edited January 22, 2024 by BaileyB 3 1
Author Lifeasasignlelady22 Posted January 22, 2024 Author Posted January 22, 2024 17 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I have never went on more than 4 dates before addressing exclusivity, often even less. This is my personal dating rule and if the man thinks it's too early for exclusivity after 5 date and sex, than too bad for him, he can move on to a woman that is ok with what ever dating style he's looking for. Stop torturing yourself, he introduced you to his friends, he likes you. He may be getting real bad dating advise on his side like let the woman bring up exclusivity or don't put all of your eggs in this one basket. So, be the woman you want to be, don't let men waste your time. Know what you want and put it on the table. Like D0nnivain said, express something like I am not dating anyone else, I want to concentrate on us, I will hide my online profile then listen to what he says. If he says he's not ready for exclusivity - move on! Don't give this man the pleasure of your time and body then he turns around and pay dinner to another woman. I know, I do agree. I usually have the exclusivity talk with most guys around the 4th date. Not specifically we need to be exclusive but more like you said I am not dating anyone else talk. For some reason with him I am worried about bringing it up. I think it's because he has said he hasn't been in a relationship for four years. I was never worried about him dating others until this weekend when I met his friends and we slept together and had sex, but that could have been me realising it is progressing toward something a little more serious and the alarm bells went off in my head saying you need to know if he is sleeping and or dating others. We have had serious conversations before, He has told me he suffers with depression, he is on medication for it and explained that it effects his feelings to a certain point. So i suppose discussing me not sleeping with anyone else or dating anyone shouldn't really be an issue.
glows Posted January 22, 2024 Posted January 22, 2024 He may not want a relationship at all. He may be open to meeting other women or dating others also because he’s not ready for a relationship or doesn’t want a relationship. That’s something you both should address early on. Hopefully that’s not the case here. 1
Author Lifeasasignlelady22 Posted January 22, 2024 Author Posted January 22, 2024 3 minutes ago, glows said: He may not want a relationship at all. He may be open to meeting other women or dating others also because he’s not ready for a relationship or doesn’t want a relationship. That’s something you both should address early on. Hopefully that’s not the case here. I agree, I will try have the discussion with him next time I see him as I don't think it really is a text or phone kinda conversation. I feel like he does want a relationship but again I suppose I wont know until we have a conversation about expectations and to see if we are both on the same page going forward. 1
BaileyB Posted January 22, 2024 Posted January 22, 2024 7 minutes ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said: I don't think it really is a text or phone kinda conversation. It’s not. 21 minutes ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said: For some reason with him I am worried about bringing it up. You are obviously concerned that he is dating others and while you are developing feelings and want to date exclusively, you fear he will not feel the same way… Good luck - I hope it works out for you. Just don’t settle - you don’t want to be dating a man who is not invested in building a relationship with you… 1
Gaeta Posted January 22, 2024 Posted January 22, 2024 (edited) 26 minutes ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said: We have had serious conversations before, He has told me he suffers with depression, he is on medication for it and explained that it effects his feelings to a certain point Usually when we come across someone we ask them, right at the beginning, what they're looking for. Have you asked before meeting him? Not talking about what he is looking for with you but what he's looking for on a dating app. Edited January 22, 2024 by Gaeta
Author Lifeasasignlelady22 Posted January 22, 2024 Author Posted January 22, 2024 28 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Usually when we come across someone we ask them, right at the beginning, what they're looking for. Have you asked before meeting him? Not talking about what he is looking for with you but what he's looking for on a dating app. He has said he wants a serious relationship. He did tell me that at the start. I will have a char with him next time I see him and just to feel him out I will explain I am not dating anyone else or actively looking for anyone else and I will see what he says back. I don't think that conversation is too full on either as I am just stating where I am and if he is on the same wavelength and if he is we can leave it at that and let things progress more and if not then we will probably have to go our separate ways. 2
Author Lifeasasignlelady22 Posted January 22, 2024 Author Posted January 22, 2024 34 minutes ago, BaileyB said: It’s not. You are obviously concerned that he is dating others and while you are developing feelings and want to date exclusively, you fear he will not feel the same way… Good luck - I hope it works out for you. Just don’t settle - you don’t want to be dating a man who is not invested in building a relationship with you… Yes, unfortunately that is the case. I can feel the feelings starting to develop and the concern is that I will continue to develop feelings for him, as I am only seeing him and his feelings wont develop as fast or at all if he is seeing other people. Out of curiosity what would be the normal amount of time or dates to assume there must be some sort of exclusivity before the chat?
d0nnivain Posted January 22, 2024 Posted January 22, 2024 (edited) 1 hour ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said: Well we slept together Saturday gone so we are now officially in the sleeping together phase. We had slept together beforehand but we just cuddled. There in lies your mistake. You need to have exclusivity conversations before sex. If you are not having sex you have zero business sleeping in the same bed & cuddling. IMO doing that makes you a tease. There is no "normal" amount of time before you have the chat about exclusivity or sex. You have it when it feels right to you. If the other person is not on your same page, best to know early. Edited January 22, 2024 by d0nnivain 4
smackie9 Posted January 22, 2024 Posted January 22, 2024 (edited) 9 minutes ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said: He has said he wants a serious relationship. He did tell me that at the start. I will have a char with him next time I see him and just to feel him out I will explain I am not dating anyone else or actively looking for anyone else and I will see what he says back. I don't think that conversation is too full on either as I am just stating where I am and if he is on the same wavelength and if he is we can leave it at that and let things progress more and if not then we will probably have to go our separate ways. What they say and what do can be two different things. Have that conversation with him...see what he has to say...if he lies then you know to promptly kick him to the curb. If he says he's dating others you can tell him that you are not on the same page when it comes to dating, that you are a one at a time type person, and this doesn't sit well with you. Then say your goodbyes. Everyone has their preference. Doesn't mean you have to accept what he does. There is nothing wrong with your POV. Edited January 22, 2024 by smackie9 2
Weezy1973 Posted January 22, 2024 Posted January 22, 2024 (edited) Why haven’t you asked for exclusivity if it’s weighing on you this much? Worst thing that can happen is he says no, and then you have your answer and you can save time and move on. There’s no downside to asking now is there? Edited January 22, 2024 by Weezy1973 2
Rider on the Storm Posted January 22, 2024 Posted January 22, 2024 Five to six dates is plenty of time to determine if you want to be exclusive, but I'm sure there are others that will disagree. If after 5 to 6 dates one still isn't sure, they probably aren't that interested, or they simply like the idea of dating multiple people. 4
Author Lifeasasignlelady22 Posted January 22, 2024 Author Posted January 22, 2024 16 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: Why haven’t you asked for exclusivity if it’s weighing on you this much? Worst thing that can happen is he says no, and then you have your answer and you can save time and move on. There’s no downside to asking now is there? It really only came to the surface today. I never really thought too much about it. Even when I saw the tinder notifications I wasn't by any means horrified. We had a lovely weekend together. Dinner, drinks, food, sleepover and meeting his friends. I went to bed last night very content and happy with life after a lovely weekend and then this morning woke up anxious about the entire thing. I think its because I am developing feelings now, and I know I am not looking for someone else and worried that he might be. Honestly up until this weekend I didn't have any concerns, and I don't know if it was him introducing me to his friends, or him meeting mine or all the above but now I have those worries about him dating others.
Gaeta Posted January 22, 2024 Posted January 22, 2024 (edited) 38 minutes ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said: Out of curiosity what would be the normal amount of time or dates to assume there must be some sort of exclusivity before the chat? There is no rule, only what YOU want to lead your dating life. When I met my boyfriend he told me on our 2nd date that he did not want to date anyone else and wanted to concentrate on me. I told him I would hide my profile while we get to know each other. A few dates later I told him I had deleted my hidden profile - he did the same. We were exclusive from the start but we did not rush in a relationship, I introduced him to my parents 4 months later. Edited January 22, 2024 by Gaeta 1
Author Lifeasasignlelady22 Posted January 22, 2024 Author Posted January 22, 2024 23 minutes ago, Rider on the Storm said: Five to six dates is plenty of time to determine if you want to be exclusive, but I'm sure there are others that will disagree. If after 5 to 6 dates one still isn't sure, they probably aren't that interested, or they simply like the idea of dating multiple people. I think the above is what worries me it also doesn't help he is very hard to read as a person. Most guys I have dated I know are interested at least by date 4/5 with him I cant tell at all.
Gaeta Posted January 22, 2024 Posted January 22, 2024 @Lifeasasignlelady22: Is the depression new? Does he suffer from chronic depression or this depression is linked to his divorce? Are you sure you want to date someone with depression? 1
Rider on the Storm Posted January 22, 2024 Posted January 22, 2024 10 minutes ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said: I think the above is what worries me it also doesn't help he is very hard to read as a person. Most guys I have dated I know are interested at least by date 4/5 with him I cant tell at all. I believe the majority know after 1 date whether there is interest in pursuing further dates with someone. After 3 dates, I believe the vast majority know if one wants to be exclusive. Unfortunately, we live in a world now where treating others poorly has become acceptable. If after a half dozen dates this guy is still pursuing others on the dating apps, rest assured he isn't that interested.
Author Lifeasasignlelady22 Posted January 22, 2024 Author Posted January 22, 2024 8 minutes ago, Gaeta said: @Lifeasasignlelady22: Is the depression new? Does he suffer from chronic depression or this depression is linked to his divorce? Are you sure you want to date someone with depression? He's not divorced, he was never married. I think he said he has had it for about 3 years. He is on medication and I don't think it would be right for me to not to date someone because of it. I don't really look at is as a bad thing and I think the fact he told me on our 3rd date helped as he was honest about it and I do think he was afraid I wouldn't see him again as he joked that if I wanted to leave then I could. Maybe this is why I can't read him as he doesn't show much emotion. I have never dated someone with depression so I don't really know.
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