Katiem421 Posted January 19 Share Posted January 19 I'm in a lesbian relationship last 11 years. We're married. Last August she told me she wanted divorce, stopped sleeping with me for a month, we hung out like normal just "not together" 2 weeks before she moved out she told me she started seeing a man because she needs to hurry up and get married and have kids asap. After she moved out she told me they were just friends and she's not ready to date but he's wonderful and they're friends. I saw our bank account, she was traveling to the city he was in every weekend. I kept asking for seperation and time, she was very very clear it was over between us, she has not budged on that. Last week we got in a fight and she said she was reconsidering her choices about me. Then few days ago she filed divorce, called me crying, saying she wants to go no contact for a month to see if she misses me. I'm not sure if she's coming back or just scared. What Is happening? She's lied so much, told me I've wasted her life, but we had a pretty good relationship. How can someone for 4 months be so set on divorce but last minute wants a month to determine if they miss me or not? Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted January 19 Share Posted January 19 Age may be relevant here. If she's feeling clucky that could affect her in all sorts of ways. I'm going to assume she's bi if she's now with a man, and if she wants babies then it wouldn't be too weird that she's suddenly attracted to a sperm donor because hormones get a huge say in sexual attraction and behaviour. Did you discuss having children together? Accusing you of wasting her life is a bit rough, I assume you never locked her in the basement to keep her there. She sounds very confused, and the whole idea of giving it a month to see if she misses you is a bit dumb considering it actually takes about three months before the intensity of emotional attachment begins to lessen. I can't tell you what's going on, but I wouldn't be surprised if she does come back once she's got a bun locked and loaded in the oven. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Katiem421 Posted January 19 Author Share Posted January 19 She is arab, she's gay. Think she saw her siblings with kids and realized she could never introduce her babies to them. We had an appointment to have children but she cancelled it. Then started dating men I think to make it easier to introduce to family with baby Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted January 19 Share Posted January 19 37 minutes ago, Katiem421 said: She is arab, she's gay. Think she saw her siblings with kids and realized she could never introduce her babies to them. We had an appointment to have children but she cancelled it. Then started dating men I think to make it easier to introduce to family with baby Why couldn't she introduce her kids if she and you had them? Do her family not know she's gay and married to you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Katiem421 Posted January 19 Author Share Posted January 19 No they live in middle east, she lives here with me in colorado. They don't know she's gay and married. It's a huge no no Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted January 19 Share Posted January 19 10 minutes ago, Katiem421 said: No they live in middle east, she lives here with me in colorado. They don't know she's gay and married. It's a huge no no OK, now it all makes sense. Sounds like she's having a crisis of identity and faith. Unfortunately we can't escape the indoctrination of our cultural backgrounds, so she probably lives with a lot of guilt caused by being forced to lie to her family if she wishes to maintain a relationship with them. Thing is, if she goes ahead with all of this she'll be living an even bigger lie, and she'll still be lying to her family. It's also likely that if she gets into a hetero relationship just for the sake of keeping face it will end in disaster. The solution is for her to stop lying and be prepared to wear the fallout from it, which would take a lot of courage. If I was in your position I think I'd just sit back and wait for the penny to drop, it'll only be a matter of time before she's forced to decide whether she wants to live her life as herself or pretend to be someone else for the sake of a family who live in the other side of the world. It might seem like a no-brainer, but she's dealing with a lot of push and pull so it might take a while before she realises her own happiness and being true to herself is more important than keeping face with a family who may or may not accept her for who she actually is. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 20 Share Posted January 20 2 hours ago, Katiem421 said: No they live in middle east, she lives here with me in colorado. They don't know she's gay and married. It's a huge no no Sorry this is happening. Sadly it's a very complicated situation. Is she planning on visiting her family or are they visiting? She seems desperate to create a sham marriage and family to avoid whatever repercussions she may face with her family/culture. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 20 Share Posted January 20 9 hours ago, Katiem421 said: She's lied so much, told me I've wasted her life, If you ask me she has wasted your life. If she's a lesbian why would she want to have sex with a man? By introducing him and a baby to her relatives is she planning on marrying him? If not, why not have a baby with you using other methods? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 21 Share Posted January 21 On 1/19/2024 at 10:45 AM, Katiem421 said: . How can someone for 4 months be so set on divorce but last minute wants a month to determine if they miss me or not? Change is scary so she's waffling. She said she wanted out. She's been carrying on with some guy & using your joint money to fund her trips to see him. Then she cries they are just friends. My read: he rejected her proposal for marriage & kids so she's rewriting the narrative to save face. Her desire to come back now isn't genuine. It's more likely that life out there is rougher than she imagined when she wanted something else (had GIGs). Now you are her fall back. She's coming back out of necessity because she can't do better. It's not that she wants you but she's afraid to be alone. That should make you feel worse, that she's using you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 22 Share Posted January 22 On 1/19/2024 at 4:45 PM, Katiem421 said: How can someone for 4 months be so set on divorce but last minute wants a month to determine if they miss me or not? Probably because her boyfriend is not on board with her plans for them. Link to post Share on other sites
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