I cheated on my fiancé

[Phi]

I cheated on my fiancé like a true idiot and got caught. I actually knew I would get caught, never cheated on anyone before and I’m just not a consistent individual. Plus my moods changes a lot so in those moments I wasn’t being a great spouse to him.

Not only did I cheat but I cheated with a former co worker I use to date. I really liked him at the time but things never progressed because he didn’t feel the same. It showed by his actions. So why in the world would I go and give this man my time when he showed me two years prior I wasn’t worth a damn smh. Simplicity at best. 
 

A little background: My fiancé and I have kids together. After pregnancy he annoyed me to no end, it seemed he couldn’t get anything right, and honestly I did notice things I didn’t like after the fact. Instead of fully being an adult and communicating my grievances I stepped out. I am shamed for it, because this man truly loves me and I let someone who didn’t give a damn enough to make me his girlfriend in the past, come back into my life and do something so silly.

Present Day- my fiancé is here by my side but for how long? He has his days where he expresses how I truly hurt him and how it’s hard to move on. He tells me he can’t love me the same, but he can’t hate the woman he loves. A part of me feel like it’s only a matter of time before he [ ] vacates the relationship. He’ll be well within his rights, but I want my relationship. I understand the embarrassment, shame, and all I’ve done to this man. What my infidelity caused. I also understand the mental anguish he’s feeling due to my disrespect and how I treated him during that.

Idk what I’m expecting from this besides venting. Don’t really want to speak with ppl close to me. A close family members feels like we’re even because when I met him I had no idea he had someone pregnant. He told me a month after the baby was born and a DNA was taken that he had child and though I was about to leave him alone, I choose to stay and start a relationship.

 

DD JANUARY 2023

Edited January 17 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Wiseman2]

58 minutes ago, Phi said:

 My fiancé and I have kids together. After pregnancy he annoyed me to no end, it seemed he couldn’t get anything right,  He told me a month after the baby was born and a DNA was taken that he had child and though I was about to leave him alone, I choose to stay and start a relationship.

 How long have you been together?  Do you live together? How many children do you have together? How old are they? Does he see his other child? 

How was the affair discovered? Do you and your BF want to stay together and work things out? 

[d0nnivain]

Have you tried relationship counseling?   You two need somebody to help you work through all the damage you did.  You have to give him reasons to trust you again.  That will take time & action.  You may want to consider IC to figure out why you cheated in the 1st place.  On some level you weren't happy or were at least scared of a lifetime commitment.  

Put the wedding on hold.  Do not walk down the aisle without working this out.  You already share a kid; there is no rush.  Take your time & get this right or end it  You will always been somewhat connected through your offspring.  

[Phi]

56 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 How long have you been together?  Do you live together? How many children do you have together? How old are they? Does he see his other child? 

How was the affair discovered? Do you and your BF want to stay together and work things out? 

4 years, we live together, a couple of kids and their toddlers. Yes, he see his older child, we have never had problems with getting him or anything like that. 
 

It was discovered because I was being an ass, not being cooperative in the relationship and all around acting miserable. He did ask me was I seeing someone and of course I lied. Well one night while sleeping he went through my phone. I deleted all the messages, but my phone updated and they had a edit button on the iPhone I wasn’t aware of so he was able to pull up every old message he could smh.

He wants to stay, but it’s uphill battle. Mentally it’s really getting to him. He expressed to me how through an email because he couldn’t tell me face to face at first. But he told me face to face last night how I hurt him. I can see it’s really hurting him. 
 

Just to add I do realize that I’m being a bit selfish wanting him to make a decision on if he’s going to stay or go because I don’t lie surprise. Mind you he still hasn’t changed who he is as a person, still very sweet and considerate and still takes care of the kids. Even affectionate towards me but he has his moments. The reason why we couldn’t work on things actively last year is because he had to go for a year. Military. So he just returned. I also signed up for therapy. Individual for myself then hoping we can do couples. 

[Phi]

6 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Have you tried relationship counseling?   You two need somebody to help you work through all the damage you did.  You have to give him reasons to trust you again.  That will take time & action.  You may want to consider IC to figure out why you cheated in the 1st place.  On some level you weren't happy or were at least scared of a lifetime commitment.  

Put the wedding on hold.  Do not walk down the aisle without working this out.  You already share a kid; there is no rush.  Take your time & get this right or end it  You will always been somewhat connected through your offspring.  

Thank you. The military offers counseling so when he returned he had intensive therapy with a woman who asked some great questions, we discussed them together. I took action and signed myself up. Start next week. 
 

And yes wedding on hold. I was extremely unhappy at the time. Just had second baby, felt like I was doing everything. I honestly didn’t see the sacrifice he was putting in for the family because he seemed gone all the time I start to resent him a bit and felt overwhelmed. I looked forward to divulging deeper with a therapist because I never wanna put him or anyone in this position again. 

[d0nnivain]

My husband is a Marine veteran.  We were not together when he was on active duty but being a military spouse is tough.  They are gone a lot & can't always check in.  They get doubly hurt when their SOs cheat because they value loyalty.  You have to know the person next to you has your back or you could get killed in combat.  

I'm glad you are getting IC.  A miliary MC / relationship counselor will be well versed in the special & unique problems created by deployment.   I don't know the rules around baby mammas but hopefully you can join a family support group so you have other women who understand when your guy is deployed.  

Best wishes!  I hope this all works out for you.  

[Phi]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

My husband is a Marine veteran.  We were not together when he was on active duty but being a military spouse is tough.  They are gone a lot & can't always check in.  They get doubly hurt when their SOs cheat because they value loyalty.  You have to know the person next to you has your back or you could get killed in combat.  

I'm glad you are getting IC.  A miliary MC / relationship counselor will be well versed in the special & unique problems created by deployment.   I don't know the rules around baby mammas but hopefully you can join a family support group so you have other women who understand when your guy is deployed.  

Best wishes!  I hope this all works out for you.  

 

[smackie9]

Couples counselling is good, but maybe get some counselling for yourself since this is your pattern in how you deal with issues.