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Will my ex ever stop sexting and being in a long distance relationship with married man?


HopelessNick

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HopelessNick

In a nutshell:

New girl became my colleague 12 months ago and we just broke up after a 6 month relationship and she's resigned. 

I was a socially awkward virgin and hardly knew how to talk to girls. When she first started working I was already attracted to her and she spoke to me more than any other girl had in my life. I was to shy to talk to her, so I messaged her on instagram more. 

I know I shouldnt snoop, but I was curious. I found out her work computer password one day, so I snooped and found out was sexting her married man (former boss) with kids who lived in another state. They spoke about being with each other in secret, how no one can pleasure each other like they do and how much they wish they could have orgies in public. 

That showed me what she was into, so I started making a lot of sexual conversation with her. We had plenty of deep chats too and I realised I loved her for her beautiful heart. 

In my eyes, she is amazing and incredible EXCEPT for the adultery and I really do love her so much. The version of her who makes right decisions is who I'm really in love with. The reason I admire her so much was because she was gang raped, abused, an ex threatened her family, the guy she thought would marry her broke up with her and a guy broke up with her because he wasn't attracted to her.

To go through all that and still become the she is (minus the adultery) made me love her more.

I asked her out and became her boyfriend in the hope that she would love me enough to get rid of him. She also jokingly said she's been with a married man on our dates.

I kept snooping and could see they had never stopped sexting. Two months in, I pretended to say I thought there was more to the story, asked for his name and said I noticed his name on her instagram and asked her to show me the messages. 

She reluctantly did and I made her send a goodbye message and she blocked him. She told me he meant a lot to her because he helped her get over the exes and he was the only person she could tell everything to like the rapes until I came along. She said he was an addiction and that she loved me more than she's loved anyone in her life and that I've been her best ever boyfriend. 

I said I would give her a second chance because no one had ever done so in their life. 

Everything was fine for a bit until a couple of months after where I saw that they had been emailing (nothing sexual). 

I also realised they had sex a couple of times when reading her journal. I was still snooping but only because I was still suss. 

I asked if they did have sex and she said no. I admitted to seeing her journal because it was open and she got angry, but said she journaled what she thought would happen because it would help her cope. 

She said she would promise to tell me everything from then on and I said I believed her when I didn't. I kept snooping and saw they had weekly phone calls but when I kept asking her if they still spoke she said she was over him.

In fairness, from what I could gather, it was all platonic at that stage. I tried to soldier on, but in the end I said I really didn't trust her. She said it didn't matter and broke up with me because we were too different. I was a quiet and shy guy and she was the opposite. We both still love each other, but she said it wasn't the right time. We were open to rekindling things and maybe even marry one day, but now wasn't the right time.

We were both devastated though because we really did love each other. I snooped again and realised they started sexting again with a fake account.

We tried so hard to get over each other but couldn't so I put my foot down. I said we had to cut contact, but before that, I said that I'd always do anything for her and would want the best for her. So I said I was letting her go so that she could use the heartbreak of losing me to get over the married man, improve herself and make right decisions. I told her never to reach out to me again until she became the best version of herself. Then I would consider taking her back in a heartbreak and maybe marry.

I told her I hoped I wouldn't go through this heartbreak for nothing and she cried in my eyes and said she promised she would become the best version of herself so that I get the girl of my dreams back. 

She said she was so sorry she hurt me and promised she would spend the rest of her life trying to be better for me because I was her best ever boyfriend, the love of her life and that I revived and saved her life. She hoped one day when we're ready, we could give it another crack. 

I asked her why she agreed to be my girlfriend when she had the married man and she said she thought it would be fun and didn't think she would fall so deeply for me.

Do you think she will ever change? Or will she sext the married man forever? 

Ps. I know I shouldn't have snooped, but there would have been no way I knew about the sexting if I didn't.

Edited by HopelessNick
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10 minutes ago, HopelessNick said:

we just broke up after a 6 month relationship and she's resigned. . I found out her work computer password one day, so I snooped.  She said it didn't matter and broke up with me because we were too different

Unfortunately it seems like you're incompatible at the very least. Invading her privacy to this extent especially her work computer is a good reason for her to end things. Please respect other's boundaries and privacy, especially at work. 

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HopelessNick
57 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately it seems like you're incompatible at the very least. Invading her privacy to this extent especially her work computer is a good reason for her to end things. Please respect other's boundaries and privacy, especially at work. 

Could you please explain how we're incompatible?

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1 hour ago, HopelessNick said:

. She said it didn't matter and broke up with me because we were too different. 

She seems to think you're "too different"

40 minutes ago, HopelessNick said:

Could you please explain how we're incompatible?

 

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d0nnivain

You keep trying to white wash the adultery.  You talk about what a beautiful person she is etc.  She's not.  She's a homewrecker who lied to you.  

Look you being the socially awkward virgin & her being your 1st GF, you have a lot invested but you were willing to overlook a huge character defect because she showed interest.  You need a clearer picture of her. 

She's your EX.  What she does is no longer your concern.  She will probably always chase after unavailable men.  Something is broken in her that she's willing to settle for being a side piece.  It probably has something to do with the past rapes.  It sounds like she never got meaningful treatment after those.  I can only imagine how destructive those were to her life.  For that trauma she has my sympathy.  

For your sake I hope she never tries to reconcile with you but if she comes back you should not want her back.  She is not a good person.  take your rose colored glasses off.  

The idea that she used her work computer to sext her married BF also shows very poor judgment & a total lack of discretion.  If the employer found out she could have been fired.  How dumb is she?  

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Calmandfocused

I’m not going to get into the “she saids”. It’s pie in the sky. 

The bottom is: The way she has conducted herself in your relationship is highly toxic. 

She certainly hasn’t behaved in a way that suggests that she loves you. She knows her actions have both disrespected and hurt you, but still she continues doing what she does. 

This means that you should not want her. 
 

And no, she will not change. 

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ExpatInItaly
11 hours ago, HopelessNick said:

promised she would spend the rest of her life trying to be better for me because I was her best ever boyfriend, the love of her life and that I revived and saved her life.

Her words are meaningless when her actions show you the real truth. Her heart and mind are most definitely not with you. She is blowing hot air up your backside here. 

11 hours ago, HopelessNick said:

we really did love each other

Man, a woman who really loves you doesn't behave the way this one did. On her side, it wasn't love. She treated you poorly and was always so into another man that she kept him around the whole time. This is not what love looks like. 

11 hours ago, HopelessNick said:

The version of her who makes right decisions is who I'm really in love with.

Then you're in love with a figment of your own imagination, because that version of her does not exist. Maybe someday she will grow up and smarten up, but there is no guarantee. You are in love with an idea, but not the real her. 

11 hours ago, HopelessNick said:

Or will she sext the married man forever?

You are misunderstanding his role in her dysfunction. Even if this guy disappears, she is unlikely to ever commit you long-term. She'll do what she did this time: keep you around as a filler in between her thrills. You have to let go of the idea of this working out the way you want. You are going to be deeply disappointed otherwise. 

 

 

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12 hours ago, HopelessNick said:

Do you think she will ever change?

Does it really matter? You are no longer dating, what she does in the future is none of your concern.

Besides, nobody can predict the future.

The only thing that is certain here is that you made the right decision in ending this relationship. 

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Did she ever have sex with you?

Was this a real relationship or a fantasy in your mind? Did she go on dates with you? 

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NuevoYorko

That sounds like a real mess.  Good thing that she's your ex now.  What she does going forward is really not your business.   Time to move on.   

P.S:  Snooping is not okay.  If you find yourself in a situation where you feel you need to do this in order to know what's going on, that means that the relationship is wrong for you and for the other person.  

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HopelessNick

For those saying she didn't love me, I guarantee you she did. She spent the first 2/3 months trying to figure out if she did love me or just loved having the label of being a girlfriend. She wasn't sure if she just loved having a guy who treated her better than anyone else. 

While only her best friends and one family friend know about the married man, I know she has had multiple conversations with her friends, family and therapist discussing whether she does love me and the answer was yes. She said the married man was an addiction, not love.

She also quoted Johnny Depp and said she really believed that "If you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second."

Edited by HopelessNick
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This girl makes foolish decisions and choices based on her lack of consideration and respect for others, and her having experienced trauma doesn't excuse that. She sexts a married man, and I'm unable to see how anyone with a "beautiful heart" would do that because it's a*****e behaviour. Also, Johnny Depp probably isn't someone you should take relationship advice from. He dumped his loyal and beautiful partner of 20 years, mother of his children, to run off with Amber Heard. How did that work out for him?  

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1 hour ago, HopelessNick said:

She spent the first 2/3 months trying to figure out if she did love me or just loved having the label of being a girlfriend. She wasn't sure if she just loved having a guy who treated her better than anyone else. 

While only her best friends and one family friend know about the married man, I know she has had multiple conversations with her friends, family and therapist discussing whether she does love me and the answer was yes. She said the married man was an addiction, not love.

If someone needs therapist and friends to help them figure out if they love you - they don't love you.  It's not that hard to figure out.

Anyway, I'm another vote for "She's not your girlfriend anymore, so what she does is none of your business"

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HopelessNick

Regardless of everything, my question at the end of the day is this. 

After we broke up, we spent 3 separate nights together in the space of a month because we still love each other and struggled to get over each other. 

I could tell if we didn't cut contact, we'd still continue to suffer. 

We spent hours crying in each other's arm on the 3rd night just like the other two. 

She told me how in love she really was with me and apologised for hurting me.

I said I was never in love with the girl I had in front of me, but I was with the beautiful girl I could see glimpses of and knew she could become. I said I would be more than happy to take her back as a friend or maybe more if she became the best version of herself, the person I've always seen she could be. I said I didn't care if it took years or even decades.

However, I said I did not want to hear from her for the rest of my life until that day came. We then blocked each other on every platform, so email is our only means of contact.

She cried in my arms more and I said "this doesn't have to be the end of our story, but whether it is is completely in your hands."

She said I deserved better and made me promise I wouldn't wait for her. She also promised me she would become the best version of herself, the girl I would be in love with, and then reach out to me to continue our story in ant form. 

Do you think that day will come?

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4 hours ago, HopelessNick said:

She also quoted Johnny Depp and said she really believed that "If you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second."

The fact remains, she is not a healthy relationship partner for you.

Besides, when she has to take a poll and you are having to justify whether she loves you more than the married man she is having sex with - she does not love you. This is not the right relationship for you. 

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1 hour ago, HopelessNick said:

Do you think that day will come?

No. 

I certainly wouldn’t wait for her to get her stuff together. What you describe is quite concerning - as we say on this site, your picker is off and you have formed a very unhealthy attachment with this woman. She is clearly not a healthy relationship partner for anyone right now - you have recognized that, which is why you are breaking up. 

Ex’s have sex after a break up all the time because they are having a hard time walking away - it does not mean that the relationship was good or that they are destined to be together. Let go of the fantasy, and go find someone who will be a good partner for you… and live your life. 
 

Edited by BaileyB
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ExpatInItaly
6 hours ago, HopelessNick said:

For those saying she didn't love me, I guarantee you she did.

No, I'm sorry, but I don't buy this at all. Either you have no idea what love really is, or you are just too desperate to cling onto that notion that you will not admit the truth to yourself. 

3 hours ago, HopelessNick said:

Do you think that day will come?

Nope. 

You need to mpve on, my guy. This woman is a hot mess and you had an incredibly unhealthy relationship with her. You will not be the one she settles down with. 

Edited by ExpatInItaly
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ExpatInItaly
6 hours ago, HopelessNick said:

She also quoted Johnny Depp and said she really believed that "If you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second."

Oh, come on. As if Johnny Depp knows what the heck he is talking about when it comes to love. (and she probably dug that up because she hopes it applies to her married man) The very fact that this woman quotes him at all is comical, frankly, but also speaks to her overall serious lack of maturity. No rational adult is living life by Johnny Depp's emo musings. 

Nick, this isn't how a relationship should be. Someday, when you have moved on, you will wonder why you were so hung up on this messy person. She isn't The One. 

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HopelessNick

She really does mean it when she says she loves me. I can just see it in her eyes. Not only did she love me, she still does. If I never snooped in the first place, I would have had no issues with our relationship.

In case there's any misunderstanding, she's the one who broke it off. Not me. 

If she didn't love me, why does she still cry when she tells me she really does love me and tells me she knows I don't deserve her right now. 

It's hard to know from the outside I guess. We did save each other's lives because I didn't think anyone would ever love me and she didn't think she would fall in love anymore (her words). She said we came into each other's lives when we needed it most. 

The only reason she broke up with me is because she feels like she's babysitting me and she can't do it anymore. 

In her words, it's not the right time because neither of us are good enough for each other at the moment. 

Edited by HopelessNick
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ExpatInItaly
6 minutes ago, HopelessNick said:

If I never snooped in the first place, I would have had no issues with our relationship.

Uh, no. She still has another man in the background. That would be an issue regardless of whether you discovered it or not. 

6 minutes ago, HopelessNick said:

She really does mean it when she says she loves me. I can just see it in her eyes.

Serious question - what is your definition of "love"? 

7 minutes ago, HopelessNick said:

The only reason she broke up with me is because she feels like she's babysitting me and she can't do it anymore. 

And she's also in love with someone else, Nick. 

You are in serious denial about so many significant issues here. With time, I hope you can see that this girl was never going to be your forever-person. 

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HopelessNick
22 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Serious question - what is your definition of "love"? 

When she's nice, kind and caring to me and would do anything for me. When she wants what's best for me. When she tries to improve me. She tries to build my confidence up, tries to make me feel attractive and sexy. She tried getting to stop being so shy to the point where I'm can actually feel comfortable having conversations with people. Most importantly, she makes me care about myself even when I don't want to. 

She is absolutely incredible to me except for the adultery.

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22 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And she's also in love with someone else, Nick. 

 

She's told me she's not in love with the married man. Hes an addiction. She said she has so many people she cares about and he is her outlet because if he doesn't care his wife, she doesn't have to care at all. She moved to live with her parents away from the state the married man was in to get away from him, but she couldn't. She had no freedom at home and the married man made her feel free. She has no friends in the new state and the married man reminded her how much she enjoyed life. 

She said if I didn't come into her life, she wouldn't have known it was an addiction.

I've seen their messages. 99% is sexual. There's no personal connection whatsoever.

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ExpatInItaly
2 minutes ago, HopelessNick said:

She is absolutely incredible to me except for the adultery.

The adultery negates all the praise you lavish on her, dude. 

2 minutes ago, HopelessNick said:

She moved to live with her parents away from the state the married man was in to get away from him,

She wouldn't need to do with this if she were not in love with him. She'd just stop the sexting. You are not getting the deeper implications of this drastic move on her part. 

3 minutes ago, HopelessNick said:

99% is sexual

Well, yeah, because he is married. It can't be more, but it is clear as day she is crazy about him. 

I don't think we will be able to help you, because you are not willing to see the truth of the matter. I know your heart is stopping you from doing so, but know that you are wasting your time hoping she will come back to you. 

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If what she’s implying is true about the MM helping her through her past then the real problem is her personal issues and past which she hasn’t resolved. The MM is just a bandaid for a bigger problem and he’s too selfish to see how that type of relationship isn’t helping her in any way but holding her back. 

It’s 6 months? She resigned from the same workplace so there’s no issue about having to see her at your work. Good job cutting her off and moving on. I think the likelihood of this working out again in future is very slim. The way her mind works is grasping at a new man to cope with the loss of the last so she used you the same way she’s using MM. She just swaps one for the other when one (ie you) aren’t available anymore since you broke up with her. She hasn’t learned to process the pain or her past independently. I don’t know what you find admirable about this but it sure sounds like she has a lot of pretty words for you calling you her “best ever boyfriend”. Very flowery language for someone she didn’t really treat in the best way. 

Edited by glows
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1 hour ago, HopelessNick said:

When she's nice, kind and caring to me and would do anything for me. When she wants what's best for me. When she tries to improve me. She tries to build my confidence up, tries to make me feel attractive and sexy. She tried getting to stop being so shy to the point where I'm can actually feel comfortable having conversations with people. Most importantly, she makes me care about myself even when I don't want to. 

Most of this describes a therapist rather than a love.  And it's a role which she couldn't sustain.  

Are you seeing a proper therapist?  It would help your future relationships if you could step into the role of boyfriend without needing extra support.

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