jerrygordon3 Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 She's 28, I'm 37. She used to fawn over me. We've always had a healthy relationship and we treat each other really well. She's incredibly kind and thoughtful and wonderful and treats me amazing. My family and friends love her. We met almost 2 years ago and got married 6 months ago because we wanted to but also we relocated to America and I'm a citizen and she's Australian. She's been really struggling with being sad. She hates NYC. It's cold and grey. She misses connecting with her friends. She's just going through a lot. However, even still. The sex just doesn't turn her on. I've tried slow, fast, 4 play. I'm plenty experienced and had plenty of relationships and this is the first time in my life I feel this way. I don't seem to do anything for her. Even orally. Nothing. She tries... But immediately whips out the porn and sometimes some toys and still even then struggles. It's obvious the odd thing out in the experience is me. I used to make her cum no problem. We had great sex. I've never felt like I couldn't at least do something to get a woman off. The connection is there. The relationship is full of life and we love each other. But this sex thing is actually getting to the point where ive just about given up. I might as well get used to just jerking off in the bathroom cause I don't really want to put myself through this anymore. It's a great relationship, but relationships are supposed to be sexual too. And to top it off the more we're together the more turned on I am by her. And it seems the opposite for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 3 minutes ago, jerrygordon3 said: She's been really struggling with being sad. She hates NYC. It's cold and grey. She misses connecting with her friends. She's just going through a lot. We had great sex. Did the problems begin when you relocated? She seems homesick and depressed. Why not plan a trip to visit her hometown? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 16 Share Posted January 16 (edited) How is it obvious that you're the issue? It's not at all uncommon for people who are feeling emotionally or physically bad to not want sex. And the culprit here is likely her homesickness and depression. I'd lay money that sex is the last thing on her mind right now. Her attempts at sex are likely to try and keep you happy, but isn't actually keen for it herself because she feels so shitty. Adding to that, one of my (Australian) friends was recently telling me that she lived and worked in Manhattan for a number of years in the late 90's - early 00's. She described people there as being very unfriendly. Apparently people got nicer after Sept 11, but then went back to how it was. Of course, New Yorkers may view things differently because that's their 'normal', but if they are somewhat cooler than Aussies, then your Aussie wife is going to really feel it. Given that the living situation isn't working for her, what plans are the two of you making to try and repair things? Can you get residency on Oz? How is the rest of your relationship? Are there any tensions or arguments happening? Edited January 16 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jerrygordon3 Posted January 16 Author Share Posted January 16 We're planning on moving back to Bali where we met to start a business w her friends ( where we met). We make much better money here than we would in Oz so we're gonna ride this out for two years at least but.. she's not happy. I see her upset and dealing w things and I try and remain strong and supportive but, of course I want to feel mutual intimacy. We just had an argument about it and now she's trying to sleep and I'm outside cooling off literally and figuratively. We haven't had a perfect relationship and I know she was hurt before by me when we were in between casual and serious we had our fun w other people. She brings it up sometimes but it was established we weren't serious. It was a slow build. It took us 6 months to make it official but when we did.. I just came to a point with her and in my life where I knew I'd never let her go. Things moved fast after but she still struggles with trust. To me it doesn't make sense because we both slept with other people during the same time frame but.. well, I'm not really sure. She's going through a rough time and I don't ever initiate arguments but tonight I confronted her about it and ended up more or less at a stalemate. She mentioned she's unsure if she'll ever be able to let " it" go. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 16 Share Posted January 16 (edited) 23 minutes ago, jerrygordon3 said: We're planning on moving back to Bali where we met to start a business w her friends ( where we met). We make much better money here than we would in Oz so we're gonna ride this out for two years at least but.. she's not happy. I see her upset and dealing w things and I try and remain strong and supportive but, of course I want to feel mutual intimacy. We just had an argument about it and now she's trying to sleep and I'm outside cooling off literally and figuratively. Wanting intimacy from someone who's unhappy and depressed is about as effective as painting a house on a wet day and wanting it to dry. Just as paint needs a sunny day to dry, a person (most people) need to be happy and comfortable in their life to feel desire. 23 minutes ago, jerrygordon3 said: We haven't had a perfect relationship and I know she was hurt before by me when we were in between casual and serious we had our fun w other people. She brings it up sometimes but it was established we weren't serious. It was a slow build. It took us 6 months to make it official but when we did.. I just came to a point with her and in my life where I knew I'd never let her go. Things moved fast after but she still struggles with trust. To me it doesn't make sense because we both slept with other people during the same time frame but.. well, I'm not really sure. She's going through a rough time and I don't ever initiate arguments but tonight I confronted her about it and ended up more or less at a stalemate. She mentioned she's unsure if she'll ever be able to let " it" go. If she keeps bringing it up, then the issue isn't resolved for her. And/or, she doesn't feel heard. If she was telling us the story and her feelings about it, what would she say? Can you put yourself in her shoes and tell us? And honestly, if she's holding resentment over this too, it would also be impacting her sex drive. Re the bolded, you've just mentioned two arguments. Were they over the same thing or was one about the sex and the other about when you weren't exclusive? What was said? I hate to say, but your marriage is currently in a perilous situation Edited January 16 by basil67 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 16 Share Posted January 16 It’s pretty clear based on everything you have said that the issue here is NOT that you don’t turn your wife on sexually anymore. I tend to agree with basil, as always… there is a lot going on here and your marriage seems to be in a very precarious situation. When things aren’t happening in the bedroom, that’s usually a reflection that something is wrong outside of the bedroom for a woman. I would suggest that you find some counsellors, both individual counselling for her and marriage counselling for you, if you hope to improve the situation. Good luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 16 Share Posted January 16 6 hours ago, jerrygordon3 said: She mentioned she's unsure if she'll ever be able to let " it" go. What is "it", exactly? That you had sex with someone else early on? It sounds to me like she is unhappy in general and doesn't really want to live in the US, and the other pre-existing issues are becoming more maginfied through this unhappy lens. I personally don't think she is going to last another two years in NYC. She's already quite miserable, it seems, and it's getting worse. Is she doubting the marriage? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 16 Share Posted January 16 (edited) 10 hours ago, jerrygordon3 said: She's been really struggling with being sad. She hates NYC. It's cold and grey. She misses connecting with her friends. She's just going through a lot. I don't understand how you can say all this and then come to the conclusion that the problem is that you don't turn your wife on during sex. It's pretty clear to everyone else that she's depressed and miserable, so the lack of sexual arousal is a symptom of that. Climate/weather makes a big difference to people. Personally I don't mind cold and grey so much, but I loathe hot and humid, and I really struggled when I had to live in hot and humid places due to H's career. The best thing you can do is to focus less on sex, and encourage her to talk to a therapist and to make friends in NYC. Also, you should see a marriage counselor together. What do the two of you do for fun? Do you plan date nights (or date afternoons on the weekend, if nights in NYC are too cold to go out)? Do you have any joint hobbies, any events you could attend together? Edited January 16 by Els 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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