stuck1234 Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 (edited) Long story short, my husband of 21 years had a PA 1 1/2 years ago. Since then he's tried to make amends, done everything right & we are going to MC. My main problem is I can't see a world where I am intimate with him again. Our counselor recommended we hold hands, hug, and small kisses. That stuff doesn't really bother me too much..but I really struggle with the thought of anything more than that. Also, our counselor, who gives us homework, is probably going to "assign" us to have sex soon. So, I'm stuck - I don't want to divorce him (fyi we have two kids), but I don't want to have sex with him either - any advice would be most appreciated! Edited January 15 by stuck1234 typo Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 4 hours ago, stuck1234 said: Also, our counselor, who gives us homework, is probably going to "assign" us to have sex soon. This is highly unlikely because the modern definition of consent is enthusiastic participation from both parties. If the therapist tells you to have sex when you don't desire it, you need another counselor. Fact is, if you're not able to be warm or intimate with your husband after 18 months, your marriage is over. It's time to speak to a lawyer 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 4 hours ago, stuck1234 said: our counselor, who gives us homework, is probably going to "assign" us to have sex soon. So, I'm stuck You're not stuck. You don't have to have sex just because some counselor told you to. That is ridiculous and no reasonable professional would expect you to follow through on this if you are not comfortable doing so. 11 minutes ago, basil67 said: if you're not able to be warm or intimate with your husband after 18 months, your marriage is over. It's time to speak to a lawyer I agree with this. You may not want to divorce OP, but you need to be realistic with yourself that this marriags is damaged beyond repair. There is a reason why affairs are often deal-breakers. They hurt deeply and often to the point that it never gets better. And that is okay. It's hard, but you can't always fix what has been blown apart by another person's bad choices. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 4 hours ago, stuck1234 said: , our counselor, who gives us homework, is probably going to "assign" us to have sex soon. Sorry this is happening. Please stop going to this marriage therapist. Please find your own licensed qualified therapist for ongoing support . You need to be able to unpack and sort out how you really feel about the affair. If sex has become revolting since then you can discuss this privately and confidentiality with your own therapist. This therapist seems to want to repair intimacy for your husband's sake, but it seems you're irreversibly turned off. So going through these silly homework exercises seems to merely build more resentment. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 No counsellor should ever suggest a client do something that they don't want to do. Something drilled into all counsellors during their training is, "do no harm". They are also supposed to respect the autonomy of the client and encourage them to make their own decisions about how to move forward. Giving clients homework to do isn't unusual, but it should definitely not include things that distress the client. You no longer trust your husband and your bond has been broken, and not wanting to be intimate with someone you resent is perfectly normal. I'd suggest you consider the competency of your counsellor and whether he/she is 'siding' with your husband. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 There is no other solution than divorce if you're sure you can't have sex with your husband again. The marriage is doomed to fail. I agree to fire your counselor because she's giving you bad advice. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 25 Share Posted January 25 I agree that the damage may be beyond repair. While I can appreciate that you want to keep your marriage, I don’t know that it’s realistic to think that you can keep your marriage if you don’t believe that you have the ability to progress past holding and hugging. Your husband is likely to want more form his marriage - and frankly, you deserve a marriage where you feel safe and content in the physical intimacy that you share with your chosen life partner. It’s one of the best things in life… I’m sorry that you find yourself in this position, and I don’t blame you in any way for feeling like you are unable to be vulnerable to your husband in this way - I can’t say that I would be able to trust in that way again after this kind of betrayal. If you haven’t done some individual counselling, that would be my suggestion. I don’t know that you are really ready for marriage counselling until you are able to heal your own pain - maybe this is the fork in the road where you need to pause the marriage counselling and take care of your own emotional well-being and healing. Best wishes. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 29 Share Posted January 29 (edited) Marriage/staying together boils down to a decision. If neither you nor your husband want to divorce, then I guess your marriage will continue, sex or not. Ultimately you want to ensure that both your needs are met in the marriage; however in your case, IF you're going to continue to stay, you'll need to finish repairing it and/or your feelings first before you can do that. Or live without sex. (Not something I would ask of myself, but sexless marriages are certainly out there.) 18 months does seem like it's starting to become a long-term thing. If your intent is to "find yourself to a place where you can feel ok about having sex with your husband again" as part of your decision to maintain the marriage, I agree with the advice above about seeking individual therapy. Edited January 29 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 30 Share Posted January 30 On 1/15/2024 at 11:30 AM, stuck1234 said: So, I'm stuck - I don't want to divorce him (fyi we have two kids), but I don't want to have sex with him either - any advice would be most appreciated! You are not stuck. You want to punish him. You want him to feel as rotten & unloved as you felt when you found out about his PA. If you can't get past this & have sex again, there is no marriage. You can't stay together for the kids. That hurts them. So fix it or break it off. This limbo thing is not helping you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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