Pain, finality, and closure on my recent whirlwind fling

[seany25]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

My gosh man, 7 years ago? This could be some Guinness World Record long-term infatuation and she also knows it and that's why you may never be a thing... because of timing 🤷

Yeah... I forgot to add in my OP that we did actually match on Tinder during the 2020 pandemic and we were 'planning' to meet up, but after a week or 2 of texting, it fizzled out (I mean I got ghosted). So the fact that I was on the string more than once just made the desire stronger and then to finally have sex with her after all that was like winning the lottery.

I know I come across like I'm putting her on a pedestal and that the advice is always not to do this, but I have put her on a pedestal because she is unlike any other woman I've ever been involved with. Whatever this is or isn't, something about her (probably the mystery and intrigue) will always set her apart from everyone else. I'm cool with that, btw, it's not a negative.

I have had sex with 42 women before her, and even though I have loved and lost throughout that time, I'm experiencing a level of lust I've never felt before 💖🔥

[Alpacalia]

1 minute ago, seany25 said:

Yeah... I forgot to add in my OP that we did actually match on Tinder during the 2020 pandemic and we were 'planning' to meet up, but after a week or 2 of texting, it fizzled out (I mean I got ghosted). So the fact that I was on the string more than once just made the desire stronger and then to finally have sex with her after all that was like winning the lottery.

I know I come across like I'm putting her on a pedestal and that the advice is always not to do this, but I have put her on a pedestal because she is unlike any other woman I've ever been involved with. Whatever this is or isn't, something about her (probably the mystery and intrigue) will always set her apart from everyone else. I'm cool with that, btw, it's not a negative.

I have had sex with 42 women before her, and even though I have loved and lost throughout that time, I'm experiencing a level of lust I've never felt before 💖🔥

42 women? Wowza!

Well, if you were ghosted, that's not good.

[seany25]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you heard from her? Hopefully you'll have another date. If not, it's a good story to remember.  Hopefully it won't be another 7 years to find an attractive woman to date. 

Not yet but I do still hope to!

It won't be 7 years (I hope!) but the bar has certainly been raised.

[seany25]

2 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

42 women? Wowza!

Well, if you were ghosted, that's not good.

42 is low compared to what it should have been! It should have been at least double but when I was young and addicted to party-drugs I missed out on dozens of opportunities that were "on a plate" thanks to my number 1 priority being drugs 🫠 (I don't do drugs any more).

The previous ghosting is why I freaked out when she suddenly went quiet because it's been my past experience with her. Except, this time, at least she gave me a beautiful memory first. She really is sooo enigmatic it's addictive 🥲🫠

It's all just really a peculiar situation. And as emotionally draining as it is, I think I thrive on this kind of pain 🫠😄

[Alpacalia]

41 minutes ago, seany25 said:

42 is low compared to what it should have been! It should have been at least double but when I was young and addicted to party-drugs I missed out on dozens of opportunities that were "on a plate" thanks to my number 1 priority being drugs 🫠 (I don't do drugs any more).

The previous ghosting is why I freaked out when she suddenly went quiet because it's been my past experience with her. Except, this time, at least she gave me a beautiful memory first. She really is sooo enigmatic it's addictive 🥲🫠

It's all just really a peculiar situation. And as emotionally draining as it is, I think I thrive on this kind of pain 🫠😄

You're ripe for 50 Shades of Grey. You deserve to be hurt? Or am I missing something?

The way you talk and obsess over 1 individual sounds like idealized tragic forbidden love more than anything. I really hope that 42 and being too lowball is not your reasoning for taking all this crap. Life is a how you make it. You only got one. Don't waste it chasing the unattainable if you can't love yourself. Obsessing over one person isn't love. It's obsessive.

Really think about why you're putting yourself through this pain, and is it really worth it.

Edited December 8, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

43 minutes ago, seany25 said:

.The previous ghosting is why I freaked out when she suddenly went quiet because it's been my past experience with her. 

Unfortunately it's not looking good if she hasn't responded. It's good you're committed to sobriety.  

[ExpatInItaly]

Have you heard from her? 

 

[FredEire]

8 hours ago, seany25 said:

42 is low compared to what it should have been! It should have been at least double but when I was young and addicted to party-drugs I missed out on dozens of opportunities that were "on a plate" thanks to my number 1 priority being drugs 🫠 (I don't do drugs any more).

The previous ghosting is why I freaked out when she suddenly went quiet because it's been my past experience with her. Except, this time, at least she gave me a beautiful memory first. She really is sooo enigmatic it's addictive 🥲🫠

It's all just really a peculiar situation. And as emotionally draining as it is, I think I thrive on this kind of pain 🫠😄

As someone with a similar body count I actually regret it. I think it contributes to making you flaky, non-committal, unappreciative of others as people, totally unaware what you want from a relationship and less able to hold down a steady one when it does come along.

You also have to be aware the circus is going to roll out of town at some point. We all age and become less attractive at some stage. If your only aim is having a hot woman at your side maybe just focus on making loads of money I guess. But if you you do want some kind of emotional connection it might be worth working on yourself.

Edited December 8, 2023 by FredEire

[seany25]

8 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

You're ripe for 50 Shades of Grey. You deserve to be hurt? Or am I missing something?

The way you talk and obsess over 1 individual sounds like idealized tragic forbidden love more than anything. I really hope that 42 and being too lowball is not your reasoning for taking all this crap. Life is a how you make it. You only got one. Don't waste it chasing the unattainable if you can't love yourself. Obsessing over one person isn't love. It's obsessive.

Really think about why you're putting yourself through this pain, and is it really worth it.

Do you mean I might deserve to be hurt because of the body count itself? Or perhaps it implies that I'm unreliable, or whatever? Bear in mind, it's over the course of 22 years, so this is just slightly less than 2 per year on average. It's not really that high of a number when you space them out. In fact, there was even a period back from 2006-2009 where I was celibate due to having become a recluse as a result of all the heavy drug abuse.

In the grand scheme of things, I'm a better and more valuable person than I've ever been in my life (assets, education, career, goals, etc.), so without getting cocky, I know I'm, at the very least, an above average man. Add to that I am also not average in my spare time (I don't do mundane s*** like watch mind-numbing mainstream TV, for instance), and I possess mountains of personality. I know the girl in question doesn't settle for just anyone. She has been through major s*** in the past with guys, and as a result, she's not the kind of girl to settle for mediocrity. She's the strong independent type. But given that I'm probably 4x better than I was the first time she met me, I'm confused that it's/I'm still not enough. Although it's probably not that at all; she's so mysterious it could be just her thing to give men a piece of her and leave them dying for more 🔥 that's how it feels from my perspective.

I am continuing to work on my life, and I have a lot of plans for the next 5 - 7 years. Even if I don't see her again right away, I think this is an interesting and memorable little bonus chapter of the journey towards my goals 💖

I don't think I'm "putting myself through this pain". Meaning, we can't help how we feel. I can say "I don't care about this", but that doesn't turn off the infatuation and lust like a switch. You strike me as clever and experienced; so I know you know this 😊

[seany25]

47 minutes ago, FredEire said:

As someone with a similar body count I actually regret it. I think it contributes to making you flaky, non-committal, unappreciative of others as people, totally unaware what you want from a relationship and less able to hold down a steady one when it does come along.

You also have to be aware the circus is going to roll out of town at some point. We all age and become less attractive at some stage. If your only aim is having a hot woman at your side maybe just focus on making loads of money I guess. But if you you do want some kind of emotional connection it might be worth working on yourself.

I relate to your perspective somewhat. There have been at least 5 of those girls who were/would have been a brilliant, stable relationship to be in, and they wanted to be in one with me, but I ended them due to minor physical imperfections. One of them I ended it because she was too sexually inexperienced - I ended up regretting that one, because I could have had fun teaching her, but by the time I came to the realisation, she was another guys girl and so I wished her well and promised not to contact her again.

Which brings me to the girl in question. Whilst I only know her and desire her for her physically, and for the little I know of her mentally, the desire she's raised in me is more profound than any other girl I've ever been interested in. And that, coupled with her sudden withdrawal from my life, is what cooks up the infatuation and intrigue.

I am working on myself, however, and one great thing to come from this (not that there's anything bad, aside from potentially not seeing her again) is that my standards are now higher and more solidified than they ever were before.

Essentially, she has left me better than she found me, even though I do crave her.

Edited December 8, 2023 by seany25

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, seany25 said:

 coupled with her sudden withdrawal from my life, is what cooks up the infatuation and intrigue.

Have you heard from her? Try not to live in the past or make up for lost time.  Take care of yourself and your physical and mental health and being the best dad you can be. Even if this fizzles out, you can still meet and date quality women you're attracted to. 

[FredEire]

11 minutes ago, seany25 said:

I relate to your perspective somewhat. There have been at least 5 of those girls who were/would have been a brilliant, stable relationship to be in, and they wanted to be in one with me, but I ended them due to minor physical imperfections. One of them I ended it because she was too sexually inexperienced - I ended up regretting that one, because I could have had fun teaching her, but by the time I came to the realisation, she was another guys girl and so I wished her well and promised not to contact her again.

Which brings me to the girl in question. Whilst I only know her and desire her for her physically, and for the little I know of her mentally, the desire she's raised in me is more profound than any other girl I've ever been interested in. And that, coupled with her sudden withdrawal from my life, is what cooks up the infatuation and intrigue.

Yeah, this is exactly what I'm talking about. It seems you see relationships in a very superficial way. Maybe you can be a millionaire swinger and be happy this way, I was never really sure if maybe some people are but it was never my case, as towards my late 20s I started to feel very jaded and cynical about so many short things with very little feeling attached, most often on my end.

Itay be worth asking yourself what you're really in the dating game for at this point in your life, as I think the way you view things doesn't allow for anything "profound". If that's what you want it may be worth trying to view things a bit differently.

Edited December 8, 2023 by FredEire

[seany25]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Have you heard from her? Try not to live in the past or make up for lost time.  Take care of yourself and your physical and mental health and being the best dad you can be. Even if this fizzles out, you can still meet and date quality women you're attracted to. 

Unfortunately not... Obviously, I'm still delighted that she passed through my life and gave me what is now my favourite personal experience 💖🔥

Of course I'm excited for the future, whatever it may bring. Hopefully, more very hot women! (or one permanent one haha)

[Alpacalia]

27 minutes ago, seany25 said:

Do you mean I might deserve to be hurt because of the body count itself? Or perhaps it implies that I'm unreliable, or whatever? Bear in mind, it's over the course of 22 years, so this is just slightly less than 2 per year on average. It's not really that high of a number when you space them out. In fact, there was even a period back from 2006-2009 where I was celibate due to having become a recluse as a result of all the heavy drug abuse.

In the grand scheme of things, I'm a better and more valuable person than I've ever been in my life (assets, education, career, goals, etc.), so without getting cocky, I know I'm, at the very least, an above average man. Add to that I am also not average in my spare time (I don't do mundane s*** like watch mind-numbing mainstream TV, for instance), and I possess mountains of personality. I know the girl in question doesn't settle for just anyone. She has been through major s*** in the past with guys, and as a result, she's not the kind of girl to settle for mediocrity. She's the strong independent type. But given that I'm probably 4x better than I was the first time she met me, I'm confused that it's/I'm still not enough. Although it's probably not that at all; she's so mysterious it could be just her thing to give men a piece of her and leave them dying for more 🔥 that's how it feels from my perspective.

I am continuing to work on my life, and I have a lot of plans for the next 5 - 7 years. Even if I don't see her again right away, I think this is an interesting and memorable little bonus chapter of the journey towards my goals 💖

I don't think I'm "putting myself through this pain". Meaning, we can't help how we feel. I can say "I don't care about this", but that doesn't turn off the infatuation and lust like a switch. You strike me as clever and experienced; so I know you know this 😊

No, not really talking about your number. That's your business. I do wonder though if you're replacing 1 high with another.

Of course, you can't help who you're attracted to... What I'm thinking is, if you've slept with other women, but only certain ones end up like this... it makes me wonder why. I'm wondering if she's putting you through this, if you're allowing it, or if there's something intrinsically drawing you to her. You keep saying she's "mysterious", but that's just one person's way of saying we're not really sure what the deal is with someone. If we knew, they'd make a lot more sense to us.

Honestly, your lust is 100% on you. But how much you let yourself get pulled into something that can't go anywhere is on you too. You are responsible for how invested you become with her.

Edited December 8, 2023 by Alpacalia

[ExpatInItaly]

7 minutes ago, seany25 said:

Hopefully, more very hot women!

You are hyper-focused on looks. What real qualities are you looking for in a woman?

34 minutes ago, seany25 said:

she's so mysterious it could be just her thing to give men a piece of her and leave them dying for more 🔥

She isn't mysterious. She simply isn't interested in taking this further and doesn't have the courage to tell you that. 

When was your last real relationship? How long did it last? 

[seany25]

27 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Of course, you can't help who you're attracted to... What I'm thinking is, if you've slept with other women, but only certain ones end up like this... it makes me wonder why. I'm wondering if she's putting you through this, if you're allowing it, or if there's something intrinsically drawing you to her. You keep saying she's "mysterious", but that's just one person's way of saying we're not really sure what the deal is with someone. If we knew, they'd make a lot more sense to us.

Honestly, your lust is 100% on you. But how much you let yourself get pulled into something that can't go anywhere is on you too. You are responsible for how invested you become with her.

 

19 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You are hyper-focused on looks. What real qualities are you looking for in a woman?

She isn't mysterious. She simply isn't interested in taking this further and doesn't have the courage to tell you that. 

When was your last real relationship? How long did it last? 

She's mysterious because I've only met her a couple of times and she has blown my mind. She might not even see herself as being mysterious or that she's consciously trying to be mysterious, but my experience of her is. In a weird way, I like it tho.

• My perceived mystery and sexual desire is drawing me to her... as well as the apparent unattainability (wanting what I can't have)
• Looks are obviously important, but an ideal woman should have ambition, intelligence, personality, and to excite me
• I haven't ever had a truly long exclusive relationship, they mostly been long casual situationships at best (I'm sure this somehow speaks to something about me, I just don't know what exactly)

Excitement and looks are obviously the prominent theme with this current girl. I think carrying the "unfinished business" for 7 years makes the current desire stronger; almost as if I don't want to let go of it. And now that we dealt with that business, I want more. I should have left her the other day with zero expectations and took the promise of more fun with a pinch of salt. Although in the back of my mind, based on previous experience with her cutting me off, I already knew we might not meet again 🥲

Edited December 8, 2023 by seany25

[ExpatInItaly]

9 minutes ago, seany25 said:

I haven't ever had a truly long exclusive relationship, they mostly been long casual situationships at best (I'm sure this somehow speaks to something about me, I just don't know what exactly)

Based on what you describe in this thread, you are a thrill-chaser - always looking for the adrenaline of the next high. 

It's not necessarily a bad thing that you haven't had a real relationship, if that's not what you want. However, given that you claim you want something more serious, you need to really reflect on how you are standing in your own way. Being bowled over by looks and caught up in lust is not going to help you find a relationship. It's what will put most women off of you, once they catch a whiff of it. 

16 minutes ago, seany25 said:

an ideal woman should have ambition, intelligence, personality,

And what can you say about this particular woman's qualities here? What is her job? Her hobbies? Her values? Aspirations? 

[FredEire]

22 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Based on what you describe in this thread, you are a thrill-chaser - always looking for the adrenaline of the next high. 

It's not necessarily a bad thing that you haven't had a real relationship, if that's not what you want. However, given that you claim you want something more serious, you need to really reflect on how you are standing in your own way. Being bowled over by looks and caught up in lust is not going to help you find a relationship. It's what will put most women off of you, once they catch a whiff of it. 

And what can you say about this particular woman's qualities here? What is her job? Her hobbies? Her values? Aspirations? 

Exactly. There are some avowed permanent singletons out there who have given up on relationships and just want hassle free single thrills - and good for them, I'm sceptical anyone is really happy with this in the long term but maybe.

But you're in for a shock if you think a relationship is just loads of sex. It's about communication, sharing experiences, managing your seperate lives and your life together, a lot of work in all honesty. I think you have to decide if maybe this is something you don't really want and accept it's not something you are never going to have, or readjust your expectations a bit in order to be more open to it.

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, seany25 said:

 

She's mysterious because I've only met her a couple of times and she has blown my mind. She might not even see herself as being mysterious or that she's consciously trying to be mysterious, but my experience of her is. In a weird way, I like it tho.

• My perceived mystery and sexual desire is drawing me to her... as well as the apparent unattainability (wanting what I can't have)
• Looks are obviously important, but an ideal woman should have ambition, intelligence, personality, and to excite me
• I haven't ever had a truly long exclusive relationship, they mostly been long casual situationships at best (I'm sure this somehow speaks to something about me, I just don't know what exactly)

Excitement and looks are obviously the prominent theme with this current girl. I think carrying the "unfinished business" for 7 years makes the current desire stronger; almost as if I don't want to let go of it. And now that we dealt with that business, I want more. I should have left her the other day with zero expectations and took the promise of more fun with a pinch of salt. Although in the back of my mind, based on previous experience with her cutting me off, I already knew we might not meet again 🥲

I would hate to see how far you've come with everything, all to throw it away over one woman.

 

[ShyViolet]

OP, some people just aren't built for long term monogamous relationships, and you sound like one of those.  You can't seem to stop focusing on sex, sexual attraction, objectifying women, and physical appearance.  That's fine, that is what you are focused on.  Just be open and honest about it.  Some people go through life just having flings, and if you're satisfied with that then good luck.

If you claim that you actually do want a serious, long term relationship, then this shallow mindset of yours is likely to be turning women off.  You might want to reflect on the vibe that you are giving out.

[basil67]

8 hours ago, seany25 said:

But given that I'm probably 4x better than I was the first time she met me, I'm confused that it's/I'm still not enough.

This statement manages to be both entitled and extraordinarily conceited.  The woman barely knows you....and you barely know her.  You can't possibly have the slightest clue what she wants.    But I think it's fair to say that entitlement and conceit are not high on the lists of many women

 

Edited December 8, 2023 by basil67

[CaliforniaGirl]

10 hours ago, seany25 said:

Do you mean I might deserve to be hurt because of the body count itself? Or perhaps it implies that I'm unreliable, or whatever? Bear in mind, it's over the course of 22 years, so this is just slightly less than 2 per year on average. It's not really that high of a number when you space them out. In fact, there was even a period back from 2006-2009 where I was celibate due to having become a recluse as a result of all the heavy drug abuse.

In the grand scheme of things, I'm a better and more valuable person than I've ever been in my life (assets, education, career, goals, etc.), so without getting cocky, I know I'm, at the very least, an above average man. Add to that I am also not average in my spare time (I don't do mundane s*** like watch mind-numbing mainstream TV, for instance), and I possess mountains of personality. I know the girl in question doesn't settle for just anyone. She has been through major s*** in the past with guys, and as a result, she's not the kind of girl to settle for mediocrity. She's the strong independent type. But given that I'm probably 4x better than I was the first time she met me, I'm confused that it's/I'm still not enough. Although it's probably not that at all; she's so mysterious it could be just her thing to give men a piece of her and leave them dying for more 🔥 that's how it feels from my perspective.

I am continuing to work on my life, and I have a lot of plans for the next 5 - 7 years. Even if I don't see her again right away, I think this is an interesting and memorable little bonus chapter of the journey towards my goals 💖

I don't think I'm "putting myself through this pain". Meaning, we can't help how we feel. I can say "I don't care about this", but that doesn't turn off the infatuation and lust like a switch. You strike me as clever and experienced; so I know you know this 😊

 

I'll just say it. You sould so insecure. Who except a teenager keeps an exact count of how many people they have slept with and feel the need to tell other people?

And it's not just that. You seem to feel that if someone is hurting you and if you can't get them then they must be absolutely great. That's total insecurity right there.

I would work on that first. "More" beautiful women won't fix this because the issues aren't about them. You aren't going to be happy until you find out what is making you feel this way. Limerance for 7 years isn't really healthy, either. Or even for 7 weeks, for that matter. You say you're working on yourself to become good enough for these women but once you are good enough for them, unless they absolutely disrespect you afterward by ignoring you, you are going to keep "craving" (your word earlier on) more. If you don't want to be happy that's one thing (some people don't) and if you want excitement and chasing rather than having then disregard what I have just said.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, seany25 said:

I would love to pursue something more serious with this girl

Unfortunately it seems like you're ok with your adventure and she's not responding. It also seems like you don't really want anything "serious", with anyone. Just stories to relive and retell. 

That's ok. It seems like you have a lot of time to make up for. Please focus on your sobriety. Perhaps read up on cross addiction and sex addiction? 

[ShyViolet]

21 hours ago, seany25 said:

 but when I was young and addicted to party-drugs I missed out on dozens of opportunities that were "on a plate" thanks to my number 1 priority being drugs 🫠 (I don't do drugs any more).

 

It's interesting to know that you have a history of drug addiction and I can't help but wonder if you are repeating old patterns.  It almost sounds like you are approaching sex and relations with women in the way an addict would approach drugs.  I wonder if you have replaced drugs with sex in a way.  Always chasing the "high", the adrenaline rush.  Always talking about women/sex in extreme terms as if it's a roller coaster.  Yes it is fun in the short term but ultimately it's not a healthy way to function in dating and it gets less and less cute as you get older.  You're not in your 20s anymore.

 

[FredEire]

11 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

It's interesting to know that you have a history of drug addiction and I can't help but wonder if you are repeating old patterns.  It almost sounds like you are approaching sex and relations with women in the way an addict would approach drugs.  I wonder if you have replaced drugs with sex in a way.  Always chasing the "high", the adrenaline rush.  Always talking about women/sex in extreme terms as if it's a roller coaster.  Yes it is fun in the short term but ultimately it's not a healthy way to function in dating and it gets less and less cute as you get older.  You're not in your 20s anymore.

 

20s is where the damage is done. I have a couple of friends who had triple digit body counts and were also addicted to party drugs and not only did nobody think they needed help they were envied and congratulated.

I'm only 30 now but it's becoming more obvious every year already how bad for them that lifestyle actually was.