itsdinaah Posted January 11 Share Posted January 11 I (29F) have been seeing this guy (34M) for 5 weeks but we talked for 2 weeks before meeting. Our dates usually last about 4-5 hours. 1 hour of dinner and then we spend hours talking. We have also been intimate since date 2, he calls me pet names and has gifted me a few things. I know his family’s names and his dynamic with his siblings. We had the exclusive talk after the first date. Outside of dates our main method of communication is texting. I asked him a couple of days about the status of where this was going and now I feel more confused. The conversation: Me: I wanted to be sure we’re on the same page. Are we moving towards a relationship or is just casual? Him: We are in some type of relationship. Me: Friends with benefits or a situationship? Want to adjust my expectations accordingly. Him: Gotcha. Let me ask you this, what’s your expectation? Me: I honestly have no expectations anymore. Just enjoying things until they eventually end. Him: I see. Are you trying to jump into an official relationship? Me: I’m taking things as they are and not forcing anything. Thank you for the clarity. Then I wished him a good night. He texted me the next day asking how I was doing and I didn’t really give as much to the conversation. I’ve been slowly pulling my energy back because I feel like he’s leading me on. Not sure how I should handle it moving forward. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 11 Share Posted January 11 This conversation was a whole exercise in talking without actually saying anything. So, I can't advise how to handle it because you didn't say what you want. And he's probably shaking his head in confusion too. Though you did say you're expecting it to end, so that suggests you are not interested in a future with him....but if that's the case, why start this non conversation? My advice would be to figure out what you want and clearly communicate it to him so that you can find out if you're on the same page. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 11 Share Posted January 11 (edited) 13 minutes ago, itsdinaah said: Me: I honestly have no expectations anymore. Just enjoying things until they eventually end. It would seem if this were true you wouldn't have asked him about where you two were headed and to define it. You would just enjoy going with the flow, is probably what he is thinking. Edited January 11 by stillafool 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SlimShadysWife Posted January 11 Share Posted January 11 I feel like you didn't say what you truly wanted and now you're in your feelings. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 11 Share Posted January 11 (edited) 39 minutes ago, itsdinaah said: .we had the exclusive talk after the first date. Me: I honestly have no expectations anymore. Just enjoying things until they eventually end. Agree it's very confusing. You seem to be doing well and are exclusive so it's unclear why you want a crystal ball as to "where is this going" particularly after just dating about 40 days. You're in the getting to know each other stage, not the define the relationship stage. Please relax and allow yourself the opportunity to get to know each other and allow things to evolve more naturally, rather than relationship talks via text. Even more confusing is your "no expectations" text after basically asking him what this is. Especially confusing is the doom and gloom "enjoying things until they end" part. Are you uncomfortable in the relationship? Edited January 11 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 11 Share Posted January 11 I tend to think that unless you're on the overly anxious side, 5 dates and hours of talking should result in progress rather than more vagueness. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted January 11 Share Posted January 11 You gave him the opportunity to take the lead and he didn't take it. In your text exchange you asked him a clear question, and he deflected by asking what your "expectations" are, the subtle implication being that "expectations" are a relationship crime. He follows that up by insulting you with his question asking if you're "trying to jump into a relationship". You've spent enough time together that there's no "jumping" involved, you're merely looking for clarification as a form of self-preservation. I think you're right to back off, he sounds manipulative. Trust your perception and act on it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
wtm78 Posted January 12 Share Posted January 12 13 hours ago, basil67 said: This conversation was a whole exercise in talking without actually saying anything. So, I can't advise how to handle it because you didn't say what you want. And he's probably shaking his head in confusion too. Though you did say you're expecting it to end, so that suggests you are not interested in a future with him....but if that's the case, why start this non conversation? My advice would be to figure out what you want and clearly communicate it to him so that you can find out if you're on the same page. Ya I agree. It's confusing to me what's it u want from it as well. Perhaps you need to figure out and know what you want and communicate directly Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 12 Share Posted January 12 Why did you lie to him? It's not true you have no expectations with such questions after 5 dates. I think he turned the question around because he was probably afraid of scaring you away by answering he wants a serious relationship after 5 dates. You're not going anywhere in life by hiding the truth. Who cares if he tells the truth or not, YOU tell the truth, you will meet someone genuine by living your life truthfully. You should have said what you wanted. If it scares him away than so be it. You handle it by telling him the truth. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 12 Share Posted January 12 (edited) You weren't clear but the response he gave was dismissive. Like it was just a simple question that he wanted to get out of the way quickly. His response was not very reassuring and it seems like he wants to keep things casual. Edited January 12 by Alpacalia 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 12 Share Posted January 12 The guy had the exclusive talk about the 1st date, I don't think that's indicative of someone looking for casual. Maybe I am watching too much Big Bang Theory these days but I can see this guy just being happy he's dating someone and he's afraid to say the wrong thing and scaring her away. AND, he was right to be cautious, OP was serving him a Sh&t test. His answer was proper when he said they were in some type of relationship, that's exactly what it is after 5 dates - a type of relationship. He did text her the following day. He did not bail or ghost. OP would have liked a more dynamic exchange BUT she's the one who said Just enjoying things until they eventually end. Why would anyone waste their time with OP? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted January 12 Share Posted January 12 I definitely see this as a s**t test that the guy failed. OP - if you are not willing to lay out there what YOU want, then DO NOT try to manipulate a conversation like this. Short relationship, you are having sex, you are exclusive, he gives you gifts and calls you pet names. That is where it's at. What more are you looking for? A promise for the future? You are still getting to know each other. Though I will warn you that this type of "fishing expedition" is a pretty good way to stop someone from continuing on the "getting to know you" path. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 12 Share Posted January 12 (edited) Exclusively sleeping together is not the same thing as exclusively being in a relationship. I can understand her wanting to make sure they were on the same page. After 5 weeks I don't think its unreasonable to poke at what he meant by "some kind of relationship". He could have responded by saying, "yes, I'm into you and I can see this going somewhere." Instead he essentially says "we are in some kind of relationship". Which feels incredibly vague to begin with. I don't see anything unreasonable about her question. However, how the conversation was handled could have been more productive. Edited January 12 by Alpacalia 3 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted January 12 Share Posted January 12 (edited) 1 hour ago, Alpacalia said: He could have responded by saying, "yes, I'm into you and I can see this going somewhere." Instead he essentially says "we are in some kind of relationship". Which feels incredibly vague to begin with. I don't see anything unreasonable about her question. I think it was way too much of a "loaded question" and the man would be likely to be immediately on high alert. Look at the title of this thread. "Not sure how to end it." Look at the choice of words: "Just enjoying things until they eventually end." Sure doesn't sound enjoyable to me ... sounds very tense and fraught with potential landmines. Anyway, if the OP is not willing to state what she is wanting out of this right now, at this moment - put her own expectations / requirements directly on the table - why should the man be? She took a completely passive approach, but told him that she is going to "adjust her expectations" depending upon his response. In any case, they are not compatible. There are many people who are willing to let things unfold and other people who want a defined commitment very early on. I think that those two types will not survive the "getting to know you" phase. But still, I don't think that there are that many (mature) people who are ready to declare a commitment after 5 weeks. Edited January 12 by NuevoYorko 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 12 Share Posted January 12 21 hours ago, itsdinaah said: I The conversation: Me: I wanted to be sure we’re on the same page. Are we moving towards a relationship or is just casual? Him: We are in some type of relationship. Me: Friends with benefits or a situationship? Want to adjust my expectations accordingly. Him: Gotcha. Let me ask you this, what’s your expectation? Me: I honestly have no expectations anymore. Just enjoying things until they eventually end. Him: I see. Are you trying to jump into an official relationship? Me: I’m taking things as they are and not forcing anything. Thank you for the clarity. Then I wished him a good night. He texted me the next day asking how I was doing and I didn’t really give as much to the conversation. I’ve been slowly pulling my energy back because I feel like he’s leading me on. Not sure how I should handle it moving forward. No, you led yourself on. You told him you have no expectations and are just enjoying things until they end. Then he asks if you're looking to get into a relationship, and you confirm you are taking things as they are. So why is it the next day when he contacted you, you were so angry you didn't give conversation and decided you were going to pull away? Is it because you want commitment, and he didn't offer it? If that is what you want don't try to play the cool girl, just be honest and tell the man what you want and expect. Otherwise, you'll be viewed as immature, and he will see red flags. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author itsdinaah Posted January 12 Author Share Posted January 12 You guys were all right. I was being a coward by not expressly saying what I wanted. However, I felt like his response 20 hours ago, MsJayne said: You gave him the opportunity to take the lead and he didn't take it. In your text exchange you asked him a clear question, and he deflected by asking what your "expectations" are, the subtle implication being that "expectations" are a relationship crime. He follows that up by insulting you with his question asking if you're "trying to jump into a relationship". You've spent enough time together that there's no "jumping" involved, you're merely looking for clarification as a form of self-preservation. I think you're right to back off, he sounds manipulative. Trust your perception and act on it. This is why I responded the way I did truthfully. He was being a bit wishy washy and skirting around just saying what he wanted which seemed more casual. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author itsdinaah Posted January 12 Author Share Posted January 12 You all were right, I was being a coward by not expressing what I actually wanted. So I texted him the next day telling him I wanted a relationship but it felt like he wanted something casual. His response was "I don't want just causal and at the same time I'm not trying to jump into an official relationship right away." Then he claimed he said before that he wasn't ready for a relationship but I went through the initial messages and that's not what he said at all. "I'm looking to see if I find someone that I can vibe with and we are compatible and possibly have a connection to build up something more and go from there." Either way I just think we weren't compatible and were on different timelines so I ended it. It gives me an idea of what I went wrong and how to better communicate/express my needs and boundaries early on. Thank you all so much! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author itsdinaah Posted January 12 Author Share Posted January 12 3 hours ago, Alpacalia said: Exclusively sleeping together is not the same thing as exclusively being in a relationship. I can understand her wanting to make sure they were on the same page. After 5 weeks I don't think its unreasonable to poke at what he meant by "some kind of relationship". He could have responded by saying, "yes, I'm into you and I can see this going somewhere." Instead he essentially says "we are in some kind of relationship". Which feels incredibly vague to begin with. I don't see anything unreasonable about her question. However, how the conversation was handled could have been more productive. The exclusively sleeping together and exclusively being in a relationship is the confusing part to me. But probably just means I should hold off on the intimacy until I get the label of a relationship. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 12 Share Posted January 12 1 minute ago, itsdinaah said: The exclusively sleeping together and exclusively being in a relationship is the confusing part to me. But probably just means I should hold off on the intimacy until I get the label of a relationship. Probably. Good for you dumping him and staying true to your boundaries. If he wasn't ready for a relationship then he should have been clear and told you at the outset, not pretended he'd give it a go and then act hot and cold. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 12 Share Posted January 12 37 minutes ago, itsdinaah said: He was being a bit wishy washy and skirting around just saying what he wanted which seemed more casual. That's exactly what you did first. Where is your accountability? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author itsdinaah Posted January 12 Author Share Posted January 12 7 minutes ago, stillafool said: That's exactly what you did first. Where is your accountability? I'm taking accountability for the way I didn't communicate what I wanted but his response wasn't clear either. We both of us didn't effectively communicate until the conversation the next day. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 12 Share Posted January 12 At the end of the day I think that how you did or didn't verbally communicate what you wanted isn't the issue here. The situation is, he's not looking for more than what you have now. He's keeping you in an "undefined zone" and, quite frankly he's not sure what you both are. So, this person is saying everything and not saying anything. It's like the equivalent of him saying "We are in a room" and then you asking "What kind of room are we in?" Him replying, "The same one you're already in last night." So then you're supposed to infer you're still in that same room. He's been clear as mud. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted January 12 Share Posted January 12 (edited) 2 hours ago, Alpacalia said: Why not? People all have different experiences and different definitions of what they are looking for. She went and put what she is and is not willing to accept on the table and drew a line in the sand. That was her line to draw and she did it. Good for her for doing that. She didn't, though. Well ... what she DID say was the opposite of drawing any lines in the sand except confirming that she is A-OK with things as they are. Quote Him: I see. Are you trying to jump into an official relationship? Me: I’m taking things as they are and not forcing anything. Thank you for the clarity. Thus, my complaint. If she wanted an official relationship, this would have been a great time to say so rather than act like she's cool with whatever and then be mad. Edited January 12 by NuevoYorko 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 12 Share Posted January 12 2 hours ago, itsdinaah said: I just think we weren't compatible and were on different timelines so I ended it. It's good you made a decision to end it if things didn't feel right to you. In fact you wouldn't have had this text talk if things were going well and you were secure, confident and comfortable in the relationship. However please realize labels mean absolutely nothing. Talk is cheap. Please keep your eye on the actions and behavior and general gut instincts rather than meaningless labels. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted January 12 Share Posted January 12 Ok I'm caught up now, glad you ended it since you feel that you're incompatible. In the future - I agree, if you want to be in a formal relationship it's not a bad plan to wait longer for sex. Lines are very blurry when you're exclusive, and sexual, and affectionate ... not quite sure what the difference would be if it had a label, unless the label came with a ring. Also, I would like to suggest that conversations like the one you shared here would be better had face to face rather than via text. Good luck going forward. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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