husband and I are divorcing [merged thread]

[QueenJade]

My husband and I have been together for 7 years and have been married for almost 2 years. We both struggle with depression, in the beginning it was more on his end and the last few years it has been on my end. I would say for the last 2-3 years I struggled with my depression very heavily. I was very closed off, isolated myself, cried a lot, tired, didn't want to do anything, low libido, etc. I unintentionally neglected my husband and the relationship. It was a very dark time in my life and I was too ignorant to get help. My husband would vocalize his concerns and issues, but only after me begging him to tell me what was wrong as he always keeps his feelings bottled up. However when he did they were very downplayed on his end. I would fix the issues at hand but would slowly slip back into old habits. 

Fast forward, I unexpectedly got pregnant. I was starting to come out of my depression at this time. Once I had my baby, I became a SAHM and got pretty bad PPA. My husband, to be honest, wasn't always the most supportive. He was stressed, hated his lack of freedom and would view taking care of the baby as a chore sometimes. We had a long talk and we both acknowledged our behaviors. Things were WAY better and I felt myself becoming myself again. We were getting along great and he seemed happy, or so I thought. 

He started becoming distant and withdrawn, after finally getting it out of him, he expressed that he wasn't happy and that if things didn't change he "didn't know what would happen". This caught me off guard as we were doing very well and I was already making the changes he requested. But I still made an effort and did the things he asked. When I would do these things he would push me away and say things like "why are you doing this?" 

One day he became withdrawn again, after getting it out of him he said that he wasn't happy and he needed space to think about things. There is a coworker that he's worked with for about 2 years who I've always had a bad feeling about. She has a boyfriend but the things she has said to my husband has raised some red flags in my mind. They've been friends but I noticed they were talking more recently and was making me uncomfortable. He knew I was a little insecure about her but continued to talk to her. I asked him if he liked her, and he admitted that he did. He said that him and I have nothing in common anymore and that she does with him. He said he didn't try to develop feelings for her and he was really fighting it hut it just happened. He also said he's been feeling really depressed about it and guilty. He had told me they only talk about work related things and that nothing has ever happened besides him having feelings. 

I got really upset and the next day when he went to work, I made an impulsive decision to look through his computer. I saw that they talk on discord A LOT and were calling eachother for 2-3 hours a night. It was not inappropriate but was not work related. I know this was wrong of me but I had to make sure he was being honest, I asked about her multiple times recently and he always denied it or claimed I was picking a fight. Not justifying but it was a split second decision. He found out and decided that he was divorcing me. He said he doesn't love me anymore. He doesn't want to work on things as he doesn't feel that it will get better. 

I tried for over a week to act like I didn't care. We were getting along great and hanging out as friends. However he made a comment essentially saying how messed up it was that I didn't care about the situation. I ended up breaking down and he got really upset and cried with me. He said he doesn't want to hurt me but he wants to prioritize his happiness. He told me he isn't sure if this is the right decision and if he's going to regret this. 

He claimed he wasn't leaving me for her, but he has been constantly texting her and staying late after work. Anytime I bring her up he gets really defensive and mad at me. I know I'm the one that has ruined the relationship but of course knowing he is leaving me for someone else really really hurts. He says this isn't about her, but I just feel his feelings for her is preventing him from wanting to work things out with me. Now whenever I say he's leaving me for her he doesn't deny it. I told him that they are gonna have such a beautiful love story, like "oh yeah I was married with a baby and she just stayed with her boyfriend even though she wasn't happy and basically cheated on him and now we are together" and he said that there is a lot more "context" and feels as though this is all justified. 

He has also been sending me mixed signals. We've had sex multiple times, he has said that he still has romantic feelings for me and that he feels conflicted. When I brought up the conflicted part he then denies it and says he never said it. He never meant to lead me on. He has also not proceeded with anything with the divorce. He also moved back into the bedroom. I can tell this is really affecting him as he can't sleep at night, he's lost 10 pounds and he has been pretty emotional. He says he will always love me but not in a romantic way (even though again, he's said he has romantic feelings for me still). 

Then a man messaged me and hit on me and he got jealous, but then gets mad when I get jealous of his soon to be girlfriend? 

I feel like whenever I feel like I'm starting to move on he does or says something to rope me back in. But then he turns around and says it's never going to work out. Part of me still hopes he will change his mind, even though I know he won't. 

I don't know what to do. I can't let go of him. If I act emotional, it's wrong. If I act like I don't care, it's wrong. I don't want this marriage to end. I don't know how to move forward. 

Edited January 10 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Weezy1973]

What was his reaction to the pregnancy? You said it was unexpected. Did birth control fail? Having a family is a total life changer and if he didn’t want to start a family clearly he’s not going to be happy with the situation. 
 

Overall it sounds like your marriage is over - or at least will be. It’s not easy to end a long term relationship as there’s a lot of history there and you’re seeing the back and forth. I think it’s fair to ask for the divorce to move forward just so you can get some closure and move on with your life. It sounds like you’ve both moved on at least partially as you’re both flirting or emotionally involved with others. 

[QueenJade]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

What was his reaction to the pregnancy? You said it was unexpected. Did birth control fail? Having a family is a total life changer and if he didn’t want to start a family clearly he’s not going to be happy with the situation. 
 

Overall it sounds like your marriage is over - or at least will be. It’s not easy to end a long term relationship as there’s a lot of history there and you’re seeing the back and forth. I think it’s fair to ask for the divorce to move forward just so you can get some closure and move on with your life. It sounds like you’ve both moved on at least partially as you’re both flirting or emotionally involved with others. 

I haven't flirted with anyone, I just had someone reach out to me but I shut the conversation down as I'm not in any position to entertain anyone. And yes, birth control did fail. He was scared at first but warmed up to it later on. And yeah, I think it is time for this back and fourth, wishy washy crap to end. It is becoming very toxic. He also says it is selfish of me to want him to try and work on our marriage. I just hope he realizes the grass isn't greener and he regrets his decision, just for my own satisfaction. 

Edited January 8 by QueenJade

[d0nnivain]

It does seem like he is leaving you for her.   He's immature.  Becoming a father made him want to rebel because he doesn't want that responsibility & he's acting out by running away.  As much as it sucks, you have to let him go.  Make sure he pays child support but that is about all you can do.  

I'm sorry.  

[Weezy1973]

14 minutes ago, QueenJade said:

I just hope he realizes the grass isn't greener and he regrets his decision, just for my own satisfaction. 

Or maybe it will be better for him, and he’ll find happiness. And maybe you’ll find happiness without him too. That would be ideal for your satisfaction (and his).

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, QueenJade said:

 I just hope he realizes the grass isn't greener and he regrets his decision, just for my own satisfaction. 

Sorry this is happening. It seems you've been unhappy since you got married. Unfortunately it does seem like he's having (at least) an emotional affair.

Please try to focus on logistics. When someone mentions divorce they are threatening to sue you. Please contact an attorney asap for advice, information and support for your specific situation.

Since you are a sahm it would be best to discuss division of martial assets, alimony and child support options with your attorney. 

The best way to get "satisfaction" and let him realize the grass isn't greener is a letter from your attorney outlining division of assets, alimony and child support. 

Please don't try to convince him to stay. Focus on your and your child's well-being and future. Please talk to trusted friends and family about what's going on and possibly a therapist to help you navigate the emotional side of things. 

[QueenJade]

35 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

It does seem like he is leaving you for her.   He's immature.  Becoming a father made him want to rebel because he doesn't want that responsibility & he's acting out by running away.  As much as it sucks, you have to let him go.  Make sure he pays child support but that is about all you can do.  

I'm sorry.  

I do agree that is a big part of it. We got together very young. He feels he has been held back in life by both me and now having our child. He also stated he relied on me for his "happiness" and has mentioned in the past if it wasn't for me he wouldve killed himself. So he definitely has some deep rooted issues. He always has to have someone to make him happy, can't do it on his own. What is making me the most angry is the fact that he is essentially blaming me for this situation and feels it is justified that he leaving me for this woman. 

Edited January 8 by QueenJade

[Els]

1 hour ago, QueenJade said:

He feels he has been held back in life by both me and now having our child

What absolute gall from him. If he didn't want to raise a child, he should have gotten a vasectomy to begin with - especially since both of you have been together for 7 years (so it's not a "I want it in the future but not right now" thing on his part). He's blaming you and his child, while not acknowledging that he himself is responsible for at least 50% of the situation that he's in right now. And instead of responding to the consequences with the maturity of an adult, he's behaving like a teenager, relying on escapism and blaming everyone else for his life.

There's no excuse to be calling another woman for 2-3 hours every day - that is at the very least emotional infidelity, if it hasn't already become physical. I think you should talk to a lawyer ASAP and file for the maximum amount of child support payable, to ensure that he is at least financially supporting his child, if he refuses to be responsible in any other way. Don't let him weasel his way into getting out of this scot-free.

Edited January 8 by Els

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, QueenJade said:

What is making me the most angry is the fact that he is essentially blaming me for this situation and feels it is justified that he leaving me for this woman. 

You can't control his thoughts so let him think what he wants, as long as you know the truth.  Most men who leave their partners for a new woman are never going to admit they left you for someone else.  They are never going to admit doing wrong so just give yourself the closure he can't and move on.

[d0nnivain]

5 hours ago, QueenJade said:

I do agree that is a big part of it. We got together very young. He feels he has been held back in life by both me and now having our child. He also stated he relied on me for his "happiness" and has mentioned in the past if it wasn't for me he wouldve killed himself. So he definitely has some deep rooted issues. He always has to have someone to make him happy, can't do it on his own. What is making me the most angry is the fact that he is essentially blaming me for this situation and feels it is justified that he leaving me for this woman. 

Anger is a more productive emotion than sorrow so use it. 

If you genuinely think he is going to kill himself get him some help.  Call 911 or family to have him involuntarily committed.   My EX committed suicide & his son who is now an adult with a child of his own is still messed up by his dad's death.  

Your guy will have problems until he learns that he is the only one in charge of his happiness and happiness can't come from someone else.  

[MsJayne]

I'm not surprised you ended up sinking into a depression once you got involved with him, he sounds like a vacuum of immaturity and self-absorption. My advice is go see a family lawyer and find out your financial position and then get that divorce rolling. He's manipulative, selfish, and immature. Let his other woman have him all to herself, she'll soon find out that she's got a big man-baby on her hands, especially when you go for his jugular in a divorce and she has to listen to him endlessly whining about how unfair it all it is. From there it'll only be a matter of time before he starts making her the reason he doesn't end it all, dumping his other crap on her, and, surprise, surprise, she'll likely end up suffering from depression. He's toxic, just save yourself and your child. 

[Jaden]

I'm sorry this is happening. Don't let him manipulate you so he can have it both ways. He wants you when he wants you, but doesn't want to make it work and will go to his coworker because she's his desire at the time. He's immature and wants to live free even though marriage and having a child isn't about always doing what you want. It's a responsibility and has to have both parties tend to it. 

Dont be physical with him, work on your self worth and self-esteem, take care of yourself even though it can be easy to neglect yourself. Try and find happiness and raise your child, but do not give him an out with raising his child. If someone is going to have an emotional affair and break boundaries, which he did, there's no fixing that. The next time there's an issue in the marriage he'll find someone to have another emotional or physical affair with. Divorce and don't make raising the child easy for him by taking most of the work. He helped create the child so he needs to split being with the child 50/50. If you don't do that, it's as if he never had a child, he used 7 years of your life, and he gets to be single with not any child responsibilities while he gets another girlfriend. He gets off scotfree if you don't hold him to a high standard. He'll complain and guilt trip you, but you have to have a spine and be firm. 

 

Much love, hope things will work out.

Edited January 9 by Jaden

[StarlightMoon]

Husband and I have been together for 7 years, married almost 2 years. We have a 9 month old baby together. We both have struggled with our mental health and we both never sought help. 

I came out of my depression about six months ago. Things were going well, or so I thought, and my husband expressed he wasnt happy anymore. After working on our relationship, he ended up coming to me again and expressing he isn't sure what he wants. After an argument, he said that he wants a divorce. 

It has been about 3 weeks and it has been a Rollercoaster of emotions. Some days we are very friendly, some days we are depressed, some days we barely talk, other days we hang out all day. 

Since this has happened, we have had sex about seven times. It has been crazy, passionate sex that I dont think we have ever had (we are eachother's first) We are both constantly horny. We haven't done anything in regards tondivorce and my husband is pretty firm on it. He was sleeping on the couch but a few days ago decided to come back to the bed (not sex related) 

But we both agreed that we aren't using sex to try and bring back our marriage, just a stress relief and because we know how to get eachother off. But I will honestly say it has been the best sex of my life. However I do notice after every time we have sex he acts a little distant the next day. We both don't explicitly ask for it, it kinda just happens. 

Last night we went for 3 rounds. We've never gone more than one round. We even cuddled and talked after. Now for some reason I am having hope. He always said sex makes him feel closer to me. I'm not assuming anything, but now after that night he has been a little distant with me. I can tell this whole divorce situation in general has been really effecting him as he's lost 10 pounds and tosses and turns a lot at night.

Idk what to do. I really want to move on, but part of me feels like he is conflicted. I still keep holding onto a little bit of hope. Every time I feel like I'm done, something happens to rope me back in. He's not intentionally doing it, but when we spend time together it just feels right and like old times. But I'm sure I'm the only one that feels this way. 

Any advice? I really want to just distance myself from him but it's just been really hard. Whenever I act like I don't care, it upsets him. But when I get emotional or talk about our situation, it also upsets him. And I personally don't know what to do. 

 

Edited January 10 by StarlightMoon

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, StarlightMoon said:

. After an argument, he said that he wants a divorce.  We haven't done anything in regards tondivorce and my husband is pretty firm on it. 

Please suggest marriage therapy. What are the real reasons he's threatening divorce?  Is he abusive in other ways? 

If he continues to be "firm" on it, please privately and confidentiality consult an attorney for information support and advice for your situation. Do not tell him and do not threaten divorce.

Threatening divorce is basically abusive because you're threatening to sue the person. Either he's your husband or your adversary in a lawsuit.

Make him decide instead of putting up with this "rollercoaster". Please talk to trusted friends and family about what's happening. Perhaps privately and confidentiality consult a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Do not tell him. 

[StarlightMoon]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please suggest marriage therapy. What are the real reasons he's threatening divorce?  Is he abusive in other ways? 

If he continues to be "firm" on it, please privately and confidentiality consult an attorney for information support and advice for your situation. Do not tell him and do not threaten divorce.

Threatening divorce is basically abusive because you're threatening to sue the person. Either he's your husband or your adversary in a lawsuit.

Make him decide instead of putting up with this "rollercoaster". Please talk to trusted friends and family about what's happening. Perhaps privately and confidentiality consult a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Do not tell him. 

It's partially my fault, my depression took a toll on our relationship and I unintentionally neglected him. But he also struggles with depression so we both played a part. Even after coming out of that and working on our relationship, he carries a lot of resentment. He claims he doesn't feel in love with me anymore and that we grew apart. He also isnt sure if me changing is permanent or if I will slip back into old habits. He wasn't sure if he wants to stay with me and risk not ever being happy or leave and regret it. And I suggested marriage counseling but he refuses. Even therapy for himself he has always refused. 

He has decided, but his actions speak otherwise. 

Will also like to add the rollercoaster is from both of us. 

Edited January 10 by StarlightMoon

[BaileyB]

10 minutes ago, StarlightMoon said:

And I suggested marriage counseling but he refuses. Even therapy for himself he has always refused. 

Well then, there is nothing to work with here… you continue as you have been, or you file for divorce. Those are your two basic options, at this time. 

Just because your husband doesn’t want to seek help doesn’t mean that you can’t seek an individual counsellor for yourself (if you haven’t already done so). That would be the single best decision that you could make for yourself and your child - your future, your child’s future, and the future of your marriage depend in this moment on your willingness to seek support to determine what is in your own best interest and that of your child. Forget your husband, you need to decide what you want for yourself/for your marriage and for your child. From there, you can begin to plan and proceed…

As to the question why are you having sex right now? Why do ex’s have sex after a relationship has ended - because it’s familiar? because they are grieving the loss of the relationship? because they are sad and lonely and seeking comfort? IDK. I do hope that you are using protection because the last thing that you want to happen is an unplanned pregnancy as your marriage is potentially ending. 

Best wishes.

Edited January 10 by BaileyB

[StarlightMoon]

18 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Well then, there is nothing to work with here… you continue as you have been, or you file for divorce. Those are your two basic options, at this time. 

Just because your husband doesn’t want to seek help doesn’t mean that you can’t seek an individual counsellor for yourself (if you haven’t already done so). That would be the single best decision that you could make for yourself and your child - your future, your child’s future, and the future of your marriage depend in this moment on your willingness to seek support to determine what is in your own best interest and that of your child. Forget your husband, you need to decide what you want for yourself/for your marriage and for your child. From there, you can begin to plan and proceed…

As to the question why are you having sex right now? Why do ex’s have sex after a relationship has ended - because it’s familiar? because they are grieving the loss of the relationship? because they are sad and lonely and seeking comfort? IDK. I do hope that you are using protection because the last thing that you want to happen is an unplanned pregnancy as your marriage is potentially ending. 

Best wishes.

I was in therapy but stopped but plan on going back due to this situation. As for myself, I'm not sure what I want. Part of me knows I need to move on, that it is very unlikely my husband will want to reconcile. But then the other part of me doesnt want to let him go. It changes daily, it's really annoying to be honest. It would be easier if he wasn't sending me mixed signals. I feel like sex is also causing him to feel confused/conflicted which is why he distances himself after. I feel like he's really fighting the urge to stay with me. Which in hindsight, should make me want to leave. I shouldn't want to be with someone that does not want to be with me.

Edited January 10 by StarlightMoon

[BaileyB]

Sex confused everything. Agree.

You are very conflicted, and rightfully so. Which is why the single best thing you could do for yourself right now is to go back to counselling. Glad to hear that is your plan. My best advice - take your husband out of the equation. You know what marriage to him is like, assume that it will be more of the same going forward because he is doing nothing to improve his situation… and decide what you want for yourself and your child. 

[StarlightMoon]

I just don't know how to let myself let go. Every single time I start to not care and accept the situation, I end up going back to pining after him and wanting him back. This is just so hard. I feel so weak and pathetic. 

[Wiseman2]

39 minutes ago, StarlightMoon said:

He has decided, but his actions speak otherwise. Will also like to add the rollercoaster is from both of us. 

If he were not threatening divorce, would it still be a "rollercoaster"?  That you're both still attracted and having sex is definitely confusing when someone wants to sue you to dissolve the marriage. Please consult an attorney for information support and advice. 

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, StarlightMoon said:

This is just so hard. I feel so weak and pathetic. 

Divorce is not easy. Ending any relationship is hard - whether you are distancing from a relative because they are toxic, or ending a friendship because it’s one sided, or ending a marriage because it’s unhealthy. I think it’s an unrealistic expectation that it would not be hard, that you would not have second thoughts, that you would not go back before finally making the decision to walk away, etc… the negative self talk is self defeating - stop doing that. I would encourage you to show yourself some kindness and seek some support to help you to make this life altering decision. It’s a big decision. It’s a hard decision. You can not do it without the support of a counsellor, a lawyer, a friend, your mother… It’s ok to not know what you want to do, but you do need to figure it out so that you can make the decision that is best for you and feel confident about that decision. 

[StarlightMoon]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If he were not threatening divorce, would it still be a "rollercoaster"?  That you're both still attracted and having sex is definitely confusing when someone wants to sue you to dissolve the marriage. Please consult an attorney for information support and advice. 

Honestly, no. It hasn't been really since this came about. But I agree. 

[StarlightMoon]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

Divorce is not easy. Ending any relationship is hard - whether you are distancing from a relative because they are toxic, or ending a friendship because it’s one sided, or ending a marriage because it’s unhealthy. I think it’s an unrealistic expectation that it would not be hard, that you would not have second thoughts, that you would not go back before finally making the decision to walk away, etc… the negative self talk is self defeating - stop doing that. I would encourage you to show yourself some kindness and seek some support to help you to make this life altering decision. It’s a big decision. It’s a hard decision. You can not do it without the support of a counsellor, a lawyer, a friend, your mother… It’s ok to not know what you want to do, but you do need to figure it out so that you can make the decision that is best for you and feel confident about that decision. 

Unfortunately the decision is up to him. If he wanted to reconcile, I would. He wants to divorce. But again his mixed signals and conflicting feelings are just complicating this. But yes, my mom has definitely gotten an ear full! 

Edited January 10 by StarlightMoon

[BaileyB]

17 minutes ago, StarlightMoon said:

Unfortunately the decision is up to him. If he wanted to reconcile, I would.

Well then, you have made your decision to stay in the marriage. 

I would suggest that is a hard way to live your life - waiting for other people to make the decisions. No wonder you are miserable. How long are you prepared to stick this out until he decides whether he wants to file for divorce or stay in the marriage? 

[StarlightMoon]

13 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Well then, you have made your decision to stay in the marriage. 

I would suggest that is a hard way to live your life - waiting for other people to make the decisions. No wonder you are miserable. How long are you prepared to stick this out until he decides whether he wants to file for divorce or stay in the marriage? 

Yeah you are completely right. I don't know why it is so hard to make the step forward. Again, I think it is because part of me is holding onto some hope and that if I initiate the divorce process that I will ruin any chances of reconciliation. I am definitely not thinking clearly or logically, this has all been a lot for me. 

Right now I'm working towards detaching myself from him and the relationship so I can proceed with the next steps.