Lotsgoingon Posted January 9 Share Posted January 9 (edited) OP, I'm seeing your responses. I really appreciate them. Just check gut first. Go to lists only if gut says a LOUD yes. Give someone three dates at the most--if a LOUD yes doesn't kick in without the list, then move on. These days literally people say, "I enjoyed meeting you. You seem like a really good person. But unfortunately I don't see us as a good romantic fit." Lots of people get tripped up by not wanting to say, "I just don't like you that way." Well, focusing on a good fit eases the strain and is very respectful to the other person. [ ] Edited January 9 by a LoveShack.org Moderator commercial link Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 9 Share Posted January 9 Here's how I see it. All you've essentially done in this thread is talk about yourself and how you're LITERALLY not emotionally connected to, and not in-love with, your partner. That is ALL you've said here. How you have this partner that worships the ground you walk on but it's worth nothing because you don't feel anything for him. That's it. It's pretty frightening to witness someone just go on and on and on about how drowned they are in their own thoughts rather than get to the bottom of all of this. Rather than question what causes those thoughts to so completely soak you. There's nothing for me, or anyone, to empathize with - we can't empathize because we don't feel what you feel - if something feels 'off' its incredibly myopic to essentially say 'all other considerations be damned' without actually, actively identifying what those considerations are so someone can actually see or feel this "magical" connection. From every post that you've made, if you had nothing else to say but you're just not in love with this person and that is IT, that should be enough for you to leave. Enough for YOU to decide. If you're looking for others' permission or approval or something else, that is where you're making your mistake. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Temporary33 Posted January 9 Author Share Posted January 9 1 minute ago, Lotsgoingon said: OP, I'm seeing your responses. I really appreciate them. Just check gut first. Go to lists only if gut says a LOUD yes. Give someone three dates at the most--if a LOUD yes doesn't kick in without the list, then move on. These days literally people say, "I enjoyed meeting you. You seem like a really good person. But unfortunately I don't see us as a good romantic fit." Lots of people get tripped up by not wanting to say, "I just don't like you that way." Well, focusing on a good fit eases the strain and is very respectful to the other person. If you can get past the profanity, this is the very best article I've seen on deciding whether or not to go forward with romance. It's extremely thoughtful. The bottom line is any "tie" or mixed feelings are a signal to NOT go forward. A couple is going to run into all kinds of serious stressors as time moves on, but the initial spark and the bonding of the spark and the memory of the spark help people navigate those challenging times. It's one thing to start with clear passion and then let it turn into friendship over the years (with some spark lingering around). It's another thing entirely to start only with friendship. https://markmanson.net/f***-yes Interesting comment as I usually don’t trust my gut on the first couple of dates (unless of course my gut screams “CREEP” or “WEIRDO”). My gut and my hormones have been known to intermingle 🙂. I am a scientist and hence, the mind always lead first. The one person I had a very deep connection with did not start off with a spark (or even a gut rumble) on the first date. As a matter of fact, I was quite indifferent for the first few dates. Why did I keep going? I am of the belief that we should give the other person a chance and keep going on those dates until our mind (or gut) says “no”. In this case, I am glad I did. Over time, as I got to know him, I realized how quick witted he is and how we shared the same sense of weird humour. At that moment, the connection developed. As the months and years went by, his ability to discuss whatever insane and archaic topic I brought up deepened that connection. We were emotionally and intellectually intertwined. He is a good man but was he as great of a partner as my current? By all means, no! Does this mean that my current partner is better suited for me. No. We are all different people with different needs. The weight we place on those needs may not make sense to others but it is what makes us happy. I will be definitely check out the foul mouth titled article. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Temporary33 Posted January 9 Author Share Posted January 9 15 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: Here's how I see it. All you've essentially done in this thread is talk about yourself and how you're LITERALLY not emotionally connected to, and not in-love with, your partner. That is ALL you've said here. How you have this partner that worships the ground you walk on but it's worth nothing because you don't feel anything for him. That's it. It's pretty frightening to witness someone just go on and on and on about how drowned they are in their own thoughts rather than get to the bottom of all of this. Rather than question what causes those thoughts to so completely soak you. There's nothing for me, or anyone, to empathize with - we can't empathize because we don't feel what you feel - if something feels 'off' its incredibly myopic to essentially say 'all other considerations be damned' without actually, actively identifying what those considerations are so someone can actually see or feel this "magical" connection. From every post that you've made, if you had nothing else to say but you're just not in love with this person and that is IT, that should be enough for you to leave. Enough for YOU to decide. If you're looking for others' permission or approval or something else, that is where you're making your mistake. I am not looking for others’ approval and I have mentioned in numerous responses now (including to your own posts) that a lot of the commentaries are valid and correct. I am with the wrong person and I should leave. I have stated that I care very much for this person and I am riddled with guilt of having to hurt him. I am grateful for him and for our relationship. I have tried to leave but, without going into the personal details, I had been convinced to stay but the nagging “should I leave” never goes away. It sounds like you have been offended by one of my posts and, if that is so, I apologize. People come on this forum to ask for help because they are usually in pain and turmoil. Often in such cases, the posts are all about them because they can’t see beyond their confusion and hurt. Just so you know, I have appreciated the responses and have made every attempt to respond to those that have posted to my inquiry. About 6 hours ago, I sent a message to the organizer of the forum letting them know that the forum has been very helpful. Since I now know what I must do, I asked how to turn off the ability for people to comment and to delete my initial post. This way people won’t be wasting their time assisting me when I have come to a personal conclusion (with the help of those on this forum). Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted January 9 Share Posted January 9 7 hours ago, Temporary33 said: I have told him numerous times he needs to be with someone who will love him the way he deserves to be loved. I can't give him what he wants. Well, that's kind of none of your business. It's not appropriate to tell other people what they need / want / think / feel even ONE time. Telling him numerous times gives the impression that you're kind of rubbing his nose in the fact that you have zero feelings for him. You are the one who came here with the issue. If it were just fine with you to be in a relationship with no connection to the person besides a good opinion of their character, you would not be posting about it would you? 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted January 9 Share Posted January 9 (edited) 1 hour ago, Temporary33 said: I a. Just so you know, I have appreciated the responses and have made every attempt to respond to those that have posted to my inquiry. About 6 hours ago, I sent a message to the organizer of the forum letting them know that the forum has been very helpful. Since I now know what I must do, I asked how to turn off the ability for people to comment and to delete my initial post. This way people won’t be wasting their time assisting me when I have come to a personal conclusion (with the help of those on this forum). Thank you. All the best moving forward with your decision, OP. I get that you feel guilty about hurting him. But hurt is part and parcel of this messy business of living and loving. You can't completely shield anyone from it. The best that you can do is be sincere and thoughtful. And I think you are both of those things. The other thing is this: If you don't hurt him by ending the relationship soon, you will hurt him even more deeply by ending the relationship later when he's gotten even more comfortable or, in the worst-case scenario, by treating him with resentment or even cheating on him. Hurting him now by ending the relationship is probably the kindest thing you can do in the big picture. I promise you that he has his own emotional struggles to deal with (which are informing how he reacts to your desire to end things). And that is something he needs to do. You must trust that he is grown-up enough to be an adult. Don't infantilize him by staying to insulate him from hurt. I suggest that when you do break up, you make the breakup about the fact that this is not working for you. Don't make it about what's best for him. Doing the latter would just give him a reason to try and persuade you that it's his decision. Edited January 9 by Acacia98 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 9 Share Posted January 9 (edited) 7 hours ago, Temporary33 said: . It is not always about “wanting your cake and eating it too.” Wiseman2, if you had read all my previous responses, No one imploring you to stay or go. But you keep repeating that "he's not the right man". I never mentioned "cake and eat it too". But if you feel my replies are not lofty enough for you, I will refrain from trying to assist in your discussion. Edited January 9 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 9 Share Posted January 9 8 hours ago, Temporary33 said: I am not looking for others’ approval and I have mentioned in numerous responses now (including to your own posts) that a lot of the commentaries are valid and correct. I am with the wrong person and I should leave. I have stated that I care very much for this person and I am riddled with guilt of having to hurt him. I am grateful for him and for our relationship. I have tried to leave but, without going into the personal details, I had been convinced to stay but the nagging “should I leave” never goes away. It sounds like you have been offended by one of my posts and, if that is so, I apologize. People come on this forum to ask for help because they are usually in pain and turmoil. Often in such cases, the posts are all about them because they can’t see beyond their confusion and hurt. Just so you know, I have appreciated the responses and have made every attempt to respond to those that have posted to my inquiry. About 6 hours ago, I sent a message to the organizer of the forum letting them know that the forum has been very helpful. Since I now know what I must do, I asked how to turn off the ability for people to comment and to delete my initial post. This way people won’t be wasting their time assisting me when I have come to a personal conclusion (with the help of those on this forum). Thank you. What reason do you suspect that I [am] 'offended' by one of your posts? I have not expressed any anger or hurtful language in what I've written. So again, I don't understand where this is coming from. You have no reason to apologize. As I've said, clearly enough in part: You do not have to excuse or apologize for, justify, explain, rationalize, anything to a group of people who don't know you, who *CAN'T know* you in such a context which by nature is spared learning what really is the case. You had a thought: "I am no longer in love" Which is simply not as big a deal as you think and it doesn't matter that there are only a few "irreconcilable" differences. That's still relatively dramatic language for a neutral, easily correctable and natural part of life. Guilt is internal, no one can fix that for you. It's entirely your own doing. What do I think? I've read what you've said and I've asked you questions and you've re-iterated about 'being off' with your partner is of utmost importance - which is really nothing helpful to YOU. If you can't move from that - despite every poster telling you this is the wrong relationship for you - then that's really only your own problem, isn't it? Why hold onto the guilt? Is that from your partner or is it entirely of your own doing? Whatever, again, could possibly matter as significantly as your guilt and your not feeling in love any more? I am not sure if you want any kind of a realistic connection. You want "that" connection and prove to yourself that you deserve it. Fine. Guess what? You do deserve it. But it isn't from your current partner on their terms - it's from you! You have to give that to yourself by your own terms and by freeing up space to do that and learn how to see that and nurture that side of yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 9 Share Posted January 9 17 hours ago, Temporary33 said: At some point, I must let go even if it means stabbing him in the heart and the possibility of regrets for me down the road. I'm glad you've decided that you will leave. You're not "stabbing anyone in the heart". He will be fine. Just do it as kindly as you can, and he will grieve for a while and then heal and move on, as we all do. Better now than later - and surely you must know that if connection is important to you, the end is inevitable. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted January 9 Share Posted January 9 14 hours ago, Temporary33 said: I have stated that I care very much for this person and I am riddled with guilt of having to hurt him. I am grateful for him and for our relationship. I have tried to leave but, without going into the personal details, I had been convinced to stay but the nagging “should I leave” never goes away. Feeling bad about the hurt that the breakup will cause the other person is not a good or valid reason to stay. Breakups are usually painful. No one enjoys them. But they are a necessary part of life. Feeling guilty about hurting him is just not a valid reason to stay. The band aid has to be ripped off. And the longer you delay that inevitable ripping off of the band aid, the worse you are making it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted January 9 Share Posted January 9 Honestly you will be doing him a great service by moving on. If he has an opportunity to be in a relationship with a person who has feelings for him and who is there because of those feelings combined with a high opinion of his character, he will be a happy man. Meanwhile you are free to look for someone who inspires feelings in you as well. I'm surprised that you are ready to take what this "therapist" has said seriously. Since you have experienced feelings for another person already in your life, you are obviously capable of it. So I can't figure out where they were coming from with the suggestion that you are incapable of "normal" human emotions. Anyway, leaving this relationship will cause discomfort for sure but will ultimately be a win/win. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lisa Posted January 9 Senior Moderators Share Posted January 9 Thread closure requested by OP Link to post Share on other sites
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