Husband Slept with neighbor I'm shattered, deciding if we divorce or reconcile

[Amanda84]

Early last year, I caught my husband cheating with our neighbor. I was completely broadsided. Never see it coming, we had, or so I thought, a great marriage. Never had infidelity or trust issues. We had a great sex life and communication, everything that supposed to make a strong marriage. 

 I went away for a week, to help a friend. I decided to surprise my husband and return home early so we could spend some much needed time together. I arrive home and find my husband in bed with the neighbor. She wasn't just a neighbor, she was a friend, in our friend circle. So it really was a gut puch of betrayal. 

 This all took place in May 2023. Seven months ago. We have been separated since. In this time, my husband moved out, I remained in the home with our son. The woman he cheated with ended up leaving town, she separated from her fiancee and left her son behind, and she has been trying to convince my husband to divorce me and be with her. He claims to still love me and he isn't with her, as far as I know, I refuse to see him. It hurts too much. I may be WRONG, but I can't look my husband in the eyes. I can't be near him. He sees our son, when our son is a the grandparents, he doesn't come to our home. 

I know I can't go much longer without addressing this collosal issue. But here is a major wrench that has been thrown into the mix. I was sexually assaulted by the other woman's fiancee just before the Holiday, I haven't told ANYONE. I was in the hospital a couple days afterwards, I was checked out, and treated, but I didn't go to the Police. I was intoxicated and I don't have a clear memory. I feel there's just so much going on. I can't get my story straight.

 Our son's had met up to play, he dropped my son off. He seems to blame me for the affair my husband had with his fiancee????!!! I get the vibe that he believes, if I we're a better wife, my husband wouldn't have strayed? He has more than once, since the breakups, made a pass at me. Making subtle comments, commenting on my looks. Things I would ignore. 

I Can't believe he assaulted me. I didn't send any messages, he came on to me and I said no and he forced himself on me. I even recall the remark he made, saying something along the lines of, him doing this to take revenge on my husband.

I am afraid to say anything and my husband finding out. I'm not sure how he will react. Hell, he may be with the other woman and not give a damn. I'm just wondering if I should just file for a divorce, just try and forget about what happened and move on. I don't know if I am in shock, or just numb because of the trauma. I do realize that I am not handling things in a healthy way. I literally feel paralyzed. I have no one to turn to. 

All of my friends are my husbands friends as well. I have no one to confide in that feels safe. My husband and I saw each other for the first time New Years Day. I had a panic attack! I thought he knew what happened, he asked if he could meet me and talk, he heard I was in the hospital, he asked why? I just told him I was sick and I quickly cut the conversation and I left. He has been trying to reach out to me constantly since. 

I know I need to face this head on, but as I said. I feel riddled with fear. I feel hurt by his betrayal. I'm miserable. Please any helpful advice. 

 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Amanda84 said:

 I'm just wondering if I should just file for a divorce, just try and forget about what happened and move on. I have no one to turn to.  I have no one to confide in that feels safe. 

Sorry this is happening. Hopefully you are receiving support and therapy for the assault as well as sorting out the betrayal and separation.

Please stop talking to this neighbor or any people associated with him or his GF. Please only discuss coparenting with your husband and please consult an attorney asap. 

  You can confide in your physical, therapist a support group, rape counselor and your attorney. Anything you say is private, confidential and will provide you with professional help advice support and information. 

Edited January 6 by Wiseman2

[BaileyB]

I hope you have a counsellor. If you do not, that would be my first and only step at this point. 

[S2B]

Do you want to stay with someone who easily cheats on you?

[d0nnivain]

Please report your rapist to the police.  They have resources to help you process.  

You can't reconcile with your husband.  You have never forgiven him & now this other garbage is all mixed up into this.  You already said you can't look him in the eye & you haven't really talked in 7 months.  Communication is the key to working through something like this but you are not communicating.  You shouldn't try to force being with somebody who gives you panic attacks. End it already.  

None of this was your fault.  You didn't need to be a better wife.  Your STBX needed to be a better man & husband.  You getting drunk didn't cause somebody to rape you & it doesn't mean you deserve it.  Your rapist is a criminal. 

Get a counselor since you feel you can't talk to your friends.  

Edited January 6 by d0nnivain

[stillafool]

You were raped not assaulted and it wasn't an affair.  Do not let him get away with it.  When you say you don't have a clear memory of it, does that mean you may have consented to sex because you were intoxicated?  Also did he hurt you to the point you had to go to the hospital?

17 hours ago, Amanda84 said:

I was sexually assaulted by the other woman's fiancee just before the Holiday, I haven't told ANYONE. I was in the hospital a couple days afterwards, I was checked out, and treated, but I didn't go to the Police. I was intoxicated and I don't have a clear memory. I feel there's just so much going on. I can't get my story straight.

You need to go down to the police station and report him and then divorce your cheating husband.

[Alpacalia]

This is just so horrible that this kind of thing has happened to anyone. I can't imagine your pain right now. I'll give you a virtual hug if you'll accept it. But yes, you need to speak to him face to face and tell him exactly how you feel. How angry you are. etc. Just get it out. Cut all ties with these people, including the woman's fiancee. If you want to later investigate pressing charges. Then so be it. If anything, file a report for it so that there is something on file.

[Wiseman2]

On 1/6/2024 at 2:48 AM, Amanda84 said:

. . My husband and I saw each other for the first time New Years Day. I had a panic attack! I thought he knew what happened, he asked if he could meet me and talk, he heard I was in the hospital, he asked why

Your husband moved out and you're coparenting. You've already addressed things. There's nothing to speak to your husband about. He cheated and moved out and you can consult an attorney privately and confidentiality for support information and advice on your situation. 

As far as your neighbor. You were hospitalized so you have all the documentation on the assault. Please speak with a rape crisis center/hotline. They can advice you properly how to manage and help you if you choose to file a police report when you are ready. 

Please don't discuss this further with your husband, neighbors or this group of people. Protect yourself and your children. Only speak to your own trusted friends and family and of course an attorney, a therapist and the rape crisis hotline. 

 

Edited January 7 by Wiseman2

[Amanda84]

I'm no longer in contact with the neighbor. I was in contact because our children are friends. We would talk casually, but I have no problem avoiding him. I am hesitant in pressing charges because he's now all the child has! The mother is no longer in the picture, and it seems she's doesn't have any intentions on returning.

I'm not a messy person when I drink, I just had too much that day, hadn't eaten. I wasn't flirtatious with the man, I think we bonded over our kids,and he was in our friend circle and was quite friendly with my husband and the other husbands in the group. 

I do recall feeling uneasy because he and I were talking about how I manage to just cut my husband off. I am able to do so because I come from not the best child hood, I have suffered a lot of pain from my parents growing up belittling me, and be very disrespectful. And I considered my husband a big supporter of me and someone I felt so comfortable with, let my walls down, I thought he loved me. The moment I found out about the affair I did what I have always one when someone hurts me, I split.

He was telling me he still had contact with his wife, the relationship was awful, there's a lot of animosity between them. He wanted a divorce. He shifted the conversation to him taking me out sometimes, he wasn't being inappropriate,but he was very suggestive in saying he was interested in me. I remember changing the subject. 

I didn't consent to sex with him. I'm sure, I went upstairs to my room to shower and change and sober up and he came into my room while I was getting dressed. Came on to me, made the comments about how if I were better maybe my husband wouldn't have stolen his wife. I asked him to leave, he pissed me off. He grabbed me and I recall him pushing me and I hit my head pretty hard on the footboard of the bed. That's when things get fuzzy, I recall him apologizing profusely, my next recollection is my head hurting, his arm around me, and then later him on top of me, having sex with me. 

 This is what scares me because this gap in my memory, it may cause Police to think of he's Comforting me, had his arm around me, did that lead to sex. I was really drunk. I'm not a hundred percent clear if that is how things played out. What if I did consent to sex, drunk, and it hit me what was going on. I'm married, and I panicked and told him no after. I question myself too, would he really risk everything for sex? Rape?! He's now a single Dad, he's a smart educated man, I don't know if he would be so stupid. He has a good career, he knows his son needs him. He knows it would be the end of I go to the Police. I'm just confused.

I also feel confused because I think maybe my husband knows something. As I said these men were friends, if he is telling people or the guys he slept with me? My husband knew I was in the hospital and he asked in a very strange way, Why. He's been reaching out. I don't respond so I have no clue to what he wants. I don't handle conflict well, obviously. I'm afraid this will get out of control and I cannot deal with anxiety, court, police. It all causes me to have panic episodes. 

I have always just run away, but I know I need to face this, but I am not ready for what may come. My husband has a Really big temper. If he finds out what happened to me. It terrifies me to think. I'm too scared to get the Police involved. Especially since I am so unsure.

[stillafool]

Did you ever say NO when 

56 minutes ago, Amanda84 said:

idn't consent to sex with him. I'm sure, I went upstairs to my room to shower and change and sober up and he came into my room while I was getting dressed. Came on to me, made the comments about how if I were better maybe my husband wouldn't have stolen his wife. I asked him to leave, he pissed me off. He grabbed me and I recall him pushing me and I hit my head pretty hard on the footboard of the bed. That's when things get fuzzy, I recall him apologizing profusely, my next recollection is my head hurting, his arm around me, and then later him on top of me, having sex with me. 

Do you recall telling him NO while this was happening.  How did your husband find out you were in the hospital? Were you admitted to the hospital or you just went to have yourself checked out?

[stillafool]

59 minutes ago, Amanda84 said:

My husband has a Really big temper. If he finds out what happened to me. It terrifies me to think. I'm too scared to get the Police involved. Especially since I am so unsure.

It really has nothing to do with your husband at this point since you are leaving him.  You have to find a way to protect yourself and learn to confront problems head on.  Have you ever been in therapy?

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Amanda84 said:

I'm no longer in contact with the neighbor. My husband has a Really big temper. .

Definitely stay away from your husband and only discuss coparenting. Please let your attorney handle communication with him. As far as the neighbor please also avoid this man.  Please take your time with your family trusted friends and your therapist.

Please don't run to the police without talking to a qualified rape counselor first . It's an extremely confusing situation for victims but you have everything documented.  

Any professional you speak with, therapist, attorney, rape counselor, etc will give you information advice support and help and everything is strictly confidential. This is not a do it yourself situation. There's a lot of support out there for you. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Amanda84 said:

 Ihave always just run away, but I know I need to face this, but I am not ready for what may come. 

Please don't confront either of these men. This neighbor and your husband sound like dangerous men to be around. For all you know, your husband could have paid this creep to rough you up to get even for throwing him out. Especially with the bizarre statements he made during the attack. Please don't trust them. 

Trust your instincts. You should be running away from both of them and focus on taking care of yourself and your child. 

Edited January 8 by Wiseman2

[d0nnivain]

3 hours ago, Amanda84 said:

I have always just run away, but I know I need to face this, but I am not ready for what may come. My husband has a Really big temper. If he finds out what happened to me. It terrifies me to think. I'm too scared to get the Police involved. Especially since I am so unsure.

Just tell the police what you wrote here including your fears.  Ask for rape counseling.  You will be OK if you speak up 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Amanda84 said:

 It terrifies me to think. I'm too scared to get the Police involved. Especially since I am so unsure.

Please speak to a rape counselor first . Once you go to the police it becomes a criminal investigation and you're the complaining witness in a state vs perpetrator case. It's not retractable or in your hands any longer. The police are not counselors. They are there for reporting crimes and arresting suspects. Rape counseling is free and anonymous through their hotline. 

https://www.rainn.org/about-national-sexual-assault-online-hotline

[mark clemson]

On 1/5/2024 at 11:48 PM, Amanda84 said:

All of my friends are my husbands friends as well. I have no one to confide in that feels safe.

Along with several others above I would suggest you strongly consider seeing an experienced therapist of an appropriate type if that's feasible for you.

Edited January 8 by mark clemson

[stillafool]

21 hours ago, Amanda84 said:

As I said these men were friends, if he is telling people or the guys he slept with me? My husband knew I was in the hospital and he asked in a very strange way, Why. He's been reaching out. I don't respond so I have no clue to what he wants. I don't handle conflict well, obviously. I'm afraid this will get out of control and I cannot deal with anxiety, court, police. It all causes me to have panic episodes. 

-Why would this guy be telling others that he had sex with you knowing it was without consent and he could get in trouble?  That is doubtful.

-If you aren't taking your husband's calls how do you know he asked about the hospital visit in a strange way?

-Since you're too afraid to go to the police, what are you going to do?

20 hours ago, stillafool said:

Do you recall telling him NO while this was happening.  How did your husband find out you were in the hospital? Were you admitted to the hospital or you just went to have yourself checked out?

You never answered the above questions either?

[Amanda84]

On 1/8/2024 at 10:52 AM, stillafool said:

-Why would this guy be telling others that he had sex with you knowing it was without consent and he could get in trouble?  That is doubtful.

-If you aren't taking your husband's calls how do you know he asked about the hospital visit in a strange way?

-Since you're too afraid to go to the police, what are you going to do?

You never answered the above questions either?

You would need to ask him those questions. Second question is basically my BIG question of self, just rewritten.

Third. I didn't realize I was obligated to answer questions such as this. No offense, they make no sense. I think I clarified it in my initial comment? No?

[Amanda84]

On 1/7/2024 at 10:48 PM, mark clemson said:

Along with several others above I would suggest you strongly consider seeing an experienced therapist of an appropriate type if that's feasible for you.

Today I reached out for help. My insurance covers behavioral health, it's a start I think to get to the root of a lot of childhood trauma I have suffered. I believe it's the reason I try and run away, I am afraid of feeling the pain. But in the end, I always end up in pain.

Edited January 10 by Amanda84

[Amanda84]

On 1/7/2024 at 4:45 PM, d0nnivain said:

Just tell the police what you wrote here including your fears.  Ask for rape counseling.  You will be OK if you speak up 

Well, I know from past experiences, that's NOT the case. Especially where I live. Dealing with the police over Domestic Violence and Crimes against women is a not easy and your often made to feel like you're the criminal. 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Amanda84 said:

Today I reached out for help. My insurance covers behavioral health, . I believe it's the reason I try and run away, I am afraid of feeling the pain. But in the end, I always end up in pain.

That's a great start. Please keep reaching out for help from professionals. The reason you end up in pain is because you are not running away from danger when you should be.  What happened with your husband and this man has nothing to do with childhood trauma. It has to do with recent trauma. Both the extreme betrayal and the assault.  These men are damaging and you should avoid them. 

[Amanda84]

I've reached out for counseling. I think I have found a professional who may really help.

 I had a initial 45 minute consultation today. I explained what I'm struggling with, and how insane I feel, debating to report a man I believe raped me, because I am concerned what will happen to his child. 

I was reassured that I wasn't crazy, it's important to have concerns for the child, but I need to be concerned about myself first. I never think about myself for first. I have always been weak, in self-care and concerns.

I always tell myself I shouldn't handle my marriage the way I have been, not addressing the infidelity, avoiding my husband. It's how I coped, but it's not sustainable, it's not fair for neither one of us, especially our child. 

My husband has bent a knee to my wishes by moving out, but continuing to pay the mortgage and bills and respecting my space, until I pulled it together, that's not me excusing anything he has done. But he could have easily walked away, made everything difficult. But He is so used to my crazy behavior and how I cope he just went along with it. 

I hope this counseling helps me sort things out. I need this counseling , for clarity before I make any major decisions.

[Amanda84]

I wanted to post a update to my post over a month ago. I appreciate the advice and the constructive criticism offered. I did seek help. I am currently in counseling, I have gone to the Police. The Police report didn't play out well, I now have a Lawyer. I have been back to the hospital because I have been having headaches and neck pain and foggy memory, and it started after the assault and seems to be worse. He did cause me to hit my head really hard, he also strangled me, I found this out from the medical report from that night. I couldn't recall any of this, I didn't remember explaining my injuries. They kept me for observation, because I was strangled and that can cause brain injury. I was encouraged to file charges. 

The response I received from filing a Police, report was absolutely shocking. I was under interrogation. I felt like I was in the wrong, I felt like I was being accused of being a liar. 

I was ashamed and felt revictimized. I do feel I did the right thing by retaining a Lawyer. A few days after filing a report, nothing really was done, he was questioned then basically dismissed. My husband somehow found out and that has opened a whole other bag of worms. 

Today, my husband confronted me, I'm not sure if it's for the reason that everyone (and I mean friends and family )is saying, that it's out of concern, that he is terrified for my safety, that he loves me, and wants to protect me...Why, because my Police report was leaked and someone told him what had happened. 

I have kept to myself and I have quietly Co Parented with my husband, who picks our child up from school and at the grandparents, I have no interactions with him. He is constantly contacting me, through text, and calls, he sends roses and messages through friends and family, wanting to work things out, begging that I meet with him. I just cannot bring myself to face the man. My only response has been, I want a divorce. That has caused him to spiral out of control. 

He had some kind of altercation with the man who sexually assaulted me, because this man has told others that he and I slept together.   My husband confronted me today, he was at our home, alone, when I returned from work.    He asked me to tell him why I was in the hospital. I told him the truth, I told him everything! I told him about the assault and I didn't hold back, I told him as much as I remembered. 

He wasn't angry with me, but I am afraid he will do something crazy. Not to me but to my attacker. I'm feeling guilt because my attacker is a single father now and I hate to think of what will happen to the child if I get him locked up, I am also afraid of not being believed and what the consequences for me will be, if this man retaliates. 

My husband is refusing to leave me alone. I have told him I wanted a divorce. I can't get past his betrayal. I'm not angry with him, I don't hate him. I still love him, but I cannot remain married to him, I can't get the image of him in bed with that woman. 

He's in a guest room and he has been gentle with me. He has been apologizing for the mess he has caused. He came to me in tears. He told me he hated himself for hurting me, he never wanted to hurt me, but he can't get past what has happened to me. That scares me because I feel he is plotting something. 

I appreciate him for being protective but, I need to heal, and I don't know how that is possible at this point. I can't make him leave, this is his house. I feel I have just made everything worse by going to the Police. I was told to have them investigated for leaking my information, and find out who told my husband, but, where we live, the Police department is not going to budge on ratting out their own. I fear retaliation from them if I push the issue. 

I know this is a rant but, I really needed to get this off my chest. I feel more victimized and afraid and confused than ever before. I honestly feel lost!

[Wiseman2]

The police need to interview you thoroughly. It's standard procedure. They need to get information from you and the hospital reports. 

[stillafool]

9 hours ago, Amanda84 said:

I appreciate him for being protective but, I need to heal, and I don't know how that is possible at this point. I can't make him leave, this is his house. I feel I have just made everything worse by going to the Police.

I hope your husband isn't using the rape as an excuse to move back home.  Is there somewhere you can move to so you aren't around him?