Am I being reasonable in wanting to establish this boundary?

[Jo23]

Hello everyone.

I have a close friend for whom I developed a crush and told her about it this summer. She initially told me it was mutual but then changed her mind the next day and told me nothing could happen between us. We decided to keep being friends. My crush has died down since then and I've told her about it so there wasn't this romantic ghost haunting the friendship.

Lately I've noticed her acting more distant in the messages we've exchanged and nothing really happened to justify it. For the first time since ever, she didn't reply to one of my messages for 2 days (while still replying on a group chat with mutual friends). This really hurt me since I have past trauma with being given the silent treatment by my parents (and she knows it). When she replied, she wrote a very long message about the article I'd sent her, so I don't think she was uninterested per say, but she didn't acknowledge that it took her 2 days to reply.

The thing is I really don't want this to go unnoticed because I don't want it to happen again. I want to be assertive and create a boundary to protect myself. I don't mind if she takes weeks to reply as long as she lets me know she can't reply at the moment. I just don't want to feel like I'm being ignored. What I want to know is if I'm being overly sensitive or if I have all the right to establish this boundary with her. If it's the latter, what do you think is an assertive but gentle way of saying this to her without coming across as needy?

Thank you.

[basil67]

I'm sorry Jo23, while I think it's reasonable to expect a partner to reply as soon as is convenient, I believe it's unreasonable to put a rule on a friend that they must reply promptly.  I understand that you've got past issues with your parents, but she's not your parent and if this parental trauma is popping it's head up elsewhere in your life, then it would be wise to spend more time working on recovering from that.   Of course you don't want to be completely ignored by a friend, but you need to find that line between a person ignoring you vs taking a reasonable amount of time and learning patience.  And in not getting bothered if they missed the message altogether.   

I've also got to say that given she sent a lengthy response, it's likely she waited till she had time to sit down and give you the response you deserved.   I don't believe that she owed you an explanation for a just a two day delay.  As a bonus, you now know that her responses may sometimes be delayed but ultimately she still cares enough to give a solid response when she can.  Hang on to this!

For what it's worth, I check my email about once a week and while I am generally good with messages, I do sometimes miss texts and then find them a day or two later.  To me, if a thing is urgent, that's when a phone call is used.   But I think the brilliance of messages is that they are unobtrusive and as such, can be answered at my own convenience.  Mostly, it's straight away, but sometimes I'm busy doing other things and don't get around to it till later.  

Edited January 6 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

49 minutes ago, Jo23 said:

 told me nothing could happen between us. We decided to keep being friends.  For the first time since ever, she didn't reply to one of my messages for 2 days.

It seems like she's trying to establish boundaries by keeping her distance while staying friends as well as not being text tethered.  Please step back and try not to suffocate anyone.  Perhaps reconsider if staying friends with a crush is not that comfortable. 

[Alpacalia]

You have the right to establish any boundary for yourself but you have to think of it more like a fence around your property. In other words, you can own your own feelings and expectations and enforce healthy boundaries but they are not a means of controlling other people's behavior.

It sounds to me like that is her boundary. She is receptive to being friends which is a beautiful thing. So if you look at it that way, you know it's not a rejection of you.

I just had a thought: maybe she didn't think what you sent her needed a response. I sincerely hope you don't feel like you're being given the silent treatment. That would be bad because I get the impression you genuinely like this friend. 

Consider shifting your perspective to one of a role model, even if you feel it's important she knows how much not replying disappoints you. You are assuming she knows your history about your past issues and I wouldn't assume that. 

There is an expression which is very true "absence makes the heart grow fonder." You don't grow from what you receive, you grow from what you give. Give her room. It's amazing once you realize that it is only in the spaces that two people can evolve.

[Foxhall]

8 hours ago, Jo23 said:

What I want to know is if I'm being overly sensitive

It strikes me that you are being overly sensitive, although ladies I guess have more intimate friendships so what might appear odd to a guy well is more typical of female friendships,

There is probably a little hint in the slightly delayed reply, she is happy to be your friend but maybe not your counsellor, at least not  if and when you feel like it,

I think your lucky enough actually - you have potentially a good friend here but dont spoil it ,by being as you mention yourself, too needy and sensitive.

[d0nnivain]

Your past issue with the silent treatment is triggering you.  Your expectations are also unreasonable.  Don't push for this "boundary."   It's not really a boundary.  It's a power play on your part.  You want your needs & timetable to be primary.  

Edited January 6 by d0nnivain

[Philosopher]

I do think it is acceptable to request messages are replied to reasonably promptly if there is a valid reason for a prompt reply for practical reasons. For example if on Wednesday you message her that you want to meet her sometime on the weekend, I think it would reasonable to request a response by Friday evening at the latest.

With other messages, I think it may be better to accept that she may take her time to reply. If you want friends who reply to your messages quickly, it may be better to seek out friends who reply to messages quickly. 

[ShyViolet]

You are using the word "boundary" wrong.  This is not a "boundary".  You basically want to establish a rule that she's not allowed to take too long to reply to you, because it "triggers" you.  Yeah, this is not how friendships work.  You don't get to set rules like this for friends.  That's ridiculous and controlling.  If her taking too long to reply "triggers" you so much then you are free to stop being friends with her and seek out other friends.