Boyfriend hasn't proposed but wants to tell others we are engaged

[CuriousA]

My boyfriend is going to a school reunion with his old classmates and wants to tell them he is engaged but the reality is he didn't even propose to me yet… I (30 F) has been in a relationship for a bout a year now with (32 M)

I've been in an on-again, off-again relationship with this guy for nearly a year. We actually batched things up after a three-month break in December, and I made it clear that we needed to see where the relationship was headed. He told me multiple times that it had been a year and that we should get married.   
 
Fast forward- We had planned to meet on New Year's Eve, and I got dressed up, makeup and everything , but he cancelled at the very last minute. I was furious, but he explained that he had a panic attack and couldn't drive anymore, and that he had all this planned and wanted to propose under the fireworks, which sounded very thoughtful and romantic.

I felt terrible for getting angry at him, so we batched things up, and I told him again that I don't mind a ring, but I don't think we're ready for marriage yet, at least not from my perspective. He told me last night that he is meeting some of his school friends for a reunion this weekend and that he is just going to tell them that he is already engaged and that he is getting married shortly... I'm confused and honestly don't know what to make of it. How would you explain the reasoning behind what he said?

Edited January 3 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
clarify title

[Alpacalia]

His panic attack and last minute cancel is some anxiety or hesitation about taking a step towards marriage.

It also seems to me like he may have some external pressures, such as his friends getting married, that are causing him to feel the need to rush into a commitment and tell people that he is already engaged.

I would view this as a cautionary and question if he truly wants to get married for the right reasons or if it's just because he feels pressured or wants to fit in with his friends.

Edited January 3 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

34 minutes ago, CuriousA said:

I got dressed up, makeup and everything , but he cancelled at the very last minute. I was furious, but he explained that he had a panic attack   He told me last night that he is meeting some of his school friends for a reunion this weekend and that he is just going to tell them that he is already engaged and that he is getting married shortly... 

Sorry this is happening. On/off relationships are fraught with unresolved incompatibilities and conflicts combined with an unhealthy attachment and lack of other opportunities. Especially if you're only dating a year and there's this much turbulence. 

He seems unreliable and unstable.  It's bizarre he cancels things last minute and even more bizarre that you're not invited to this reunion, not engaged and he's telling you this lie he's going to relate to them. 

Please reconsider his mental stability and propensity for excuses lies and strange behavior. 

Please trust your instincts. You're right to be angry at last minute cancellations, not being invited places and crazy lies he's telling.

Please reflect if cutting your losses to prevent more headaches and heartaches may be the best thing for you. 

 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, CuriousA said:

He told me last night that he is meeting some of his school friends for a reunion this weekend and that he is just going to tell them that he is already engaged and that he is getting married shortly... I'm confused and honestly don't know what to make of it. How would you explain the reasoning behind what he said?

He's the only one who really knows and I assume you asked him why he's planning on doing this.  What did he tell you?

 

[CuriousA]

15 minutes ago, basil67 said:

He's the only one who really knows and I assume you asked him why he's planning on doing this.  What did he tell you?

 

He didn’t really answer but rather sidelined the question. This is my personal opinion I kinda felt like he wants to show his friends that he is making progress in his life as well if that makes sense 

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, CuriousA said:

He didn’t really answer but rather sidelined the question. This is my personal opinion I kinda felt like he wants to show his friends that he is making progress in his life as well if that makes sense 

That's it, except it's a lie.

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, CuriousA said:

He didn’t really answer but rather sidelined the question. This is my personal opinion I kinda felt like he wants to show his friends that he is making progress in his life as well if that makes sense 

I think you nailed it.  Question is, are you comfortable with the lie?  If not, have you told him? 

Edit: And could it be that his planned proposal was related to him wanting to show others that he's making progress?  

Edited January 3 by basil67

[CuriousA]

6 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I think you nailed it.  Question is, are you comfortable with the lie?  If not, have you told him? 

Edit: And could it be that his planned proposal was related to him wanting to show others that he's making progress?  

That’s the only way I could see it. I’m trying to psychoanalyse it and give benefit of the doubt but it’s proving to be hard especially when I never said I’m ready to get married now and always stated that we need wait and see how things go

[basil67]

I think that rather than psychoanalyse it, you need to have a discussion about your mismatched timelines.  And if you're not comfortable having the discussion, then that's yet another sign that he needs to know where you stand. 

Be practical

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, CuriousA said:

That’s the only way I could see it. I’m trying to psychoanalyse it and give benefit of the doubt but it’s proving to be hard 

It seems like a ruse to throw you off the track of why he's not inviting you. 

By tossing out this carrot and stick, it takes the focus off the real issue of not inviting you (his supposed fiancee) to this reunion and introducing you to his friends.

It seems like he's trying to keep the relationship a secret because of whoever else will be there, but throwing this out there to obscure that. 

[MsJayne]

He's manipulative, unreliable, and has mental health issues. He also sounds like he lies a lot, to himself as well as other people. Standing you up on NYE is bad enough, but then guilt-tripping you with some horse-s**t about planning a proposal under the fireworks......he's full of it. Just the fact that he feels he needs to lie to people at a school reunion should make you slam the brakes on. 

[CuriousA]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like a ruse to throw you off the track of why he's not inviting you. 

By tossing out this carrot and stick, it takes the focus off the real issue of not inviting you (his supposed fiancee) to this reunion and introducing you to his friends.

It seems like he's trying to keep the relationship a secret because of whoever else will be there, but throwing this out there to obscure that. 

To be honest I don’t it’s that kinda reunion where a plus one is given and am very sure that he is not keeping it a secret cuz his family members already know about me and I hear them in the background sometimes when we talk and also spoke to his best friends. I think what am most afraid is his drive towards getting married and on top of that my instincts are telling me that he might not be the one. Now I did tell him in a subtle way how I feel and made very clear about how unsure I am which kinda makes the whole engagement more bizarre 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, CuriousA said:

 I don’t it’s that kinda reunion where a plus one is given 

This makes no sense. Ask him why he won't invite you. As far as his outrageous lies and empty promises and standing you up, please reflect if someone this unstable and unreliable is a good fit for you. 

[ShyViolet]

There are so many problems with this, I don't even know where to begin.  This guy sounds like a mess.  The fact that he told you he is going to lie to people at his reunion is not even nearly the biggest red flag here.

Why are you even talking as if you plan on getting engaged with this guy AT ALL?  Do you not see what a terrible decision that would be?  You've been with this guy for only a year, but that year has been on again/off again with a lot of problems throughout, even including a three-month break.  So the truth is, you haven't even been with him a year.  Why on earth would you even entertain his thoughts of getting engaged?  This whole thing sounds crazy.

Just because he keeps pushing this idea of getting engaged doesn't mean you have to go along with it.

9 minutes ago, CuriousA said:

I think what am most afraid is his drive towards getting married and on top of that my instincts are telling me that he might not be the one. Now I did tell him in a subtle way how I feel and made very clear about how unsure I am which kinda makes the whole engagement more bizarre 

This is your common sense talking.  You shouldn't be getting engaged to this guy.

[ShyViolet]

2 hours ago, CuriousA said:

I’m trying to psychoanalyse it and give benefit of the doubt but it’s proving to be hard especially when I never said I’m ready to get married now and always stated that we need wait and see how things go

It's time for you to start taking control of your own life and not let other people's craziness rule you.  You sound like you have been very passive.  You know you aren't even comfortable with the idea of getting engaged to him, so TELL him that.

[Alpacalia]

Do you really think that you're boyfriend would stand you up on New Year's Eve, make you think it was over, and then come back and lie about being engaged? It seems highly unlikely and pretty cruel.

That seems more like an excuse rather than a legitimate reason. I think that he might just be trying to impress his old classmates by telling them that he is engaged and getting married, whether it is true or not. Even if he was planning on proposing to you on New Year's Eve, it seems a bit odd that he would make a big announcement to his school friends before actually asking you. It also raises the question of why he hasn't actually proposed yet, if he has been talking about marriage for a year now.

Edited January 3 by Alpacalia

[CuriousA]

16 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

There are so many problems with this, I don't even know where to begin.  This guy sounds like a mess.  The fact that he told you he is going to lie to people at his reunion is not even nearly the biggest red flag here.

Why are you even talking as if you plan on getting engaged with this guy AT ALL?  Do you not see what a terrible decision that would be?  You've been with this guy for only a year, but that year has been on again/off again with a lot of problems throughout, even including a three-month break.  So the truth is, you haven't even been with him a year.  Why on earth would you even entertain his thoughts of getting engaged?  This whole thing sounds crazy.

Just because he keeps pushing this idea of getting engaged doesn't mean you have to go along with it.

This is your common sense talking.  You shouldn't be getting engaged to this guy.

OMG .. you actually caught that one right , it has not been even a year cuz there is no way on earth am counting those 3 month break and I did say the same but he was like for me we weren’t broken up yet even if we weren’t in touch .. crazy 

[MsJayne]

2 hours ago, CuriousA said:

my instincts are telling me that he might not be the one

There's no 'might' about it. I'm seeing you on the day of your wedding, you're on your way to the church looking a million bucks, and your phone rings. It's him, he's a no show, he's having a panic attack. 

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

It also raises the question of why he hasn't actually proposed yet, if he has been talking about marriage for a year now.

It's not that he has been talking about it for a year now.  They have only been together less than a year.

OP, if he did decide to propose one of these days, I hope you would have the sense to say no.  This sounds like a very problematic situation.

2 hours ago, CuriousA said:

OMG .. you actually caught that one right , it has not been even a year cuz there is no way on earth am counting those 3 month break and I did say the same but he was like for me we weren’t broken up yet even if we weren’t in touch .. crazy 

This guy sounds like he has an on again/off again relationship with reality.  So he's basically gaslighting you and telling you that you weren't broken up for three months out of the past year.... even though you know that you were.

[MsJayne]

39 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

This guy sounds like he has an on again/off again relationship with reality.

😂

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

It's not that he has been talking about it for a year now.  They have only been together less than a year.

So what? That's not the point. The point is that he is talking about marriage and telling other people that he is engaged, which is really bizarre.

[IrinaM]

This is bizarre.

I kinda think the whole, "I'm going to tell people we are engaged" thing is more to placate you after standing you up on NYE. Like, "don't worry babe, I know I stood you up on NYE with a flimsy excuse, but I'm totally serious about us. I'm even going to tell my old buddies that you're my fiance! You won't be there for that of course because you aren't invited, but I'll refer to you in third person as my fiance, isn't that exciting?"

Also ime men don't really consider "being engaged" as some sort of step forward into adulthood, or look-how-far-I've-come thing.

[d0nnivain]

He doesn't actually want to marry you.  He wants to save face at the reunion.  He thinks at this stage in his life he should be more settled so his plan is to lie to his former classmates. 

A year in -- with a break up make up cycle -- and him carelessly cancelling plans for NYE after you put in a great deal of effort -- even if he did pop the Q you need to think long & hard about your answer.  1).  You are right.  You two haven't been together long enough & you're not ready.  2).  He has debilitating anxiety which he's not addressing & which will negatively impact your relationship and 3).  His default response to stress is to lie.   None of that adds up to a reliable partner.  

[stillafool]

15 hours ago, CuriousA said:

To be honest I don’t it’s that kinda reunion where a plus one is given and am very sure that he is not keeping it a secret cuz his family members already know about me and I hear them in the background sometimes when we talk and also spoke to his best friends. I think what am most afraid is his drive towards getting married and on top of that my instincts are telling me that he might not be the one. Now I did tell him in a subtle way how I feel and made very clear about how unsure I am which kinda makes the whole engagement more bizarre 

I don't think Wiseman was talking about keeping you secret from his family but secret from someone who will be at the reunion and that is why you weren't invited. I don't think you have to worry about his timeline for marriage because he's not ready to marry you, it's just talk and probably more lies.

[Gaeta]

14 hours ago, CuriousA said:

am very sure that he is not keeping it a secret cuz his family members already know about me and I hear them in the background sometimes when we talk and also spoke to his best friends.

Wait....and you have never *met* his family?? They *know* of you after nearly a year dating but you were never invited over to meet them, you were not invited to b'day parties, holidays, Thanks Giving? Has he met your family?

Sweet pea listen to me, this guy is a joke! If you marry this guy (I don't want to call him a man) you will regret it for the rest of your life. A husband is someone you should be able to rely on, trust, someone that has your back, someone with integrity who respects his word, someone who introduce you to the world as his girlfriend. The man in your life should  NOT be some teen-man that goes in and out of your life and lies through his teeth. 

This is a new year, it's time to get rid of this teen-man and go find yourself a real trustworthy, strong reliable new boyfriend. They exist, they're out there!