My girlfriend asked me what was my highlight of 2023. Her answer upset me. Am I over reacting?

[lovers]

My (32M) gf (33F) who I have been dating for about 6 months decides to ask me what was the highlight of my year 2023. I say it was meeting her. Then I asked her what was her highlights then she gives off two examples that has little to do with me. I was upset. I responded with angry emoji to her response. Then she totally ignores it and responds to another question. She talks about her goals for 2024 which doesn't include me at all.

So I decide to give her a little taste of her own medicine tell her my actual 2023 highlights was something else. Then she gets upset like oh so meeting me was your highlight was a joke? Im like nah im just kidding thats because you didn't include me in yours with angry face emoji. Then she side steps the question saying I did I said it was going to the concert was a highlight which is a famous band we went together and I gave her a side eye emoji. it felt like a weak cop out response. I tell her goodnight. She responded with just laughing it off. 

Im pretty pissed off because I gave her a pretty big hint. I mentioned multiple times about it and directly told her. All I got in response was side stepping the question and laughing it off. To me her answers were very revealing. I am not high on priority list at all. Not once did she mention me in her highlights nor her future goals. She mentioned she likes to feel secure in a relationship and here she is dismissing my feelings. Which is interesting because I feel she was the one love bombing me. First one to call me baby, wanting to video chat all the time, and all that jazz while i was more hesitant. This makes me question the relationship and if I even see a future with her. Feel like I am wasting my time. Am I over reacting? What do you guys think?

Edited January 1, 2024 by lovers

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, lovers said:

. I was upset. I responded with angry emoji. Im like nah im just kidding thats because you didn't include me in yours with angry face emoji. I tell her goodnight.Im pretty pissed off because I gave her a pretty big hint. 

How often do you see each other?  Why weren't you together rather than texting?

Her question sounds quite generic but yours was a loaded question because you had a specific answer in mind.

28 weeks is a good time to reasses how things are going and if you're compatible. In this case communication has devolved into snark with angry emojis and juvenile banter.

Perhaps step back, talk in person, but with realistic expectations and without oblique references to "highlights" and loaded questions. 

Edited January 1, 2024 by Wiseman2

[lovers]

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How often do you see each other?  Why weren't you together rather than texting?

Her question sounds quite generic but yours was a loaded question because you had a specific answer in mind.

28 weeks is a good time to reasses how things are going and if you're compatible. In this case communication has devolved into snark with angry emojis and juvenile banter.

Perhaps step back, talk in person, but with realistic expectations and without oblique references to "highlights" and loaded questions. 

she went on vacation to visit her family which is why she wasn't with me for new years. 

[Acacia98]

Are you reacting to to this discussion alone, or is there a history of actions that makes you feel like you're not a priority?

[Gaeta]

Angry emojis and taste of her own medicine! Really? Not very adult of you.  This was simply a misinterpretation of the question and you turned it into a vicious fight. One thing for sure there is not much love, patience and understanding in this relationship, maybe that's why it's not the highlight of her year.

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, lovers said:

Am I over reacting?

Yes, the whole conversation sounds very high school to me. Her first response to the questions was insensitive, and your reply was passive aggressive. First fight of the New Year… 

[d0nnivain]

You are so overreacting.  Arguing over text is also such a bad move.  With text you miss all the non-verbal cues in a real conversation.  Emojis don't cut it. 

If you were upset, fine.  Your reaction was your reaction but text was the worst format to fight.  When you mentioned that your highlight was meeting her, that was her cue to at least acknowledge how kind / wonderful your response was.  She mis stepped there but since it was NYE is there any chance she had been drinking before you two had this text conversation?  If so, her perception was probably off.  

I also don't quite get why you went straight to angry, by-passing hurt.   To me that is telling & kind of scary, like you have an anger management problem.  

At 6 months your relationship is still fairly new.   Genuine goals are personal & don't involve another person.  What did you want to hear that her goal was, to marry you?  To get to know you better?  If the latter, how can that be more important than whatever personal thing she mentioned?  She has zero control over you so you can't be her goal.  Priorities aren't really an inflexible linear ranking.  They shift.  I'm sure you were in the top 10 even if you weren't # 1.  A good partner has to be a whole person, comfortable in their own skin, & a fully functional individual before they have enough to share with a relationship.  Without that all you have a is a co=dependent mess.   

I don't think you are wasting your time but she might be.  For you to want to throw away the last 6 months over this single insipid fight tells me you don't have the fortitude to sustain a long term healthy relationship.  You are not willing to meet the other person half way & address issues in a mature way -- meaning face to face with a proper discussion, not over texts.  If you have any prayer of fixing this you need to figure out what set you off in such an over the top way.  You need to be vulnerable & tell her how hurt you were & why.  Hopefully she will be mature enough to want to work to repair things.  If she's not, if she still glosses over it or invalidates your feelings, then yes, this has no future.  

[Els]

Having such charged conversations over text is an incredibly stupid idea. It's far too easy to miss nuances of voice, facial expressions, body language, etc. To question a relationship of 6 months over a text indicates that you aren't ready for a serious relationship to begin with. For chrissakes, just table the discussion and then bring it up in a mature and civil manner when you are talking face to face.

[d0nnivain]

@lovers

After I answered I read back through your posting history.   You haven't had a LTR since you were a kid.  You are quite sensitive to remarks by co-workers.  Based on some childhood trauma & past bullying you have a chip on your shoulder which created a bit of a persecution complex.  All of that plays into why you reacted the way you did to what should have been a light hearted get to know you discussion.  

In a relationship the other person is going to disappoint you occasionally.  As long as it wasn't intentional, it's an opportunity for growth.   I really hope you can find a way to talk to your GF in person when she gets home.   You can't let this fester.  You also can't fix it over text.  To get past it you must acknowledge your hypersensitive reaction & share some of the reasons for that with your GF.  If you don't share your triggers with her, she is more likely to inadvertently set one off again.  Plus when you identify them, you will have a better sense of whether behavior was deliberate or it's just something that bugs you. 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, lovers said:

What do you guys think?

I think your commuication style is incredibly immature and passive-aggressive. 

I also think you were looking for a fight because you've already decided she doesn't appreciate you. You have got to calm down and grow up. 

[NuevoYorko]

I actually got pissed off reading this.  At YOU.   For the same reasons everybody else has already stated.

 

[MsJayne]

8 hours ago, lovers said:

Am I over reacting? What do you guys think?

Hard to say, because we don't know the history of your relationship. Being as you stated first that meeting her was your highlight it should have been pretty obvious that it was a leading question aimed at mutually acknowledging the importance of the relationship, so I would take her response at face value. If it left you feeling that you're not particularly important to her I'd guess that you were already feeling insecure before this exchange, and that's probably what motivated you to fish for reassurance in the first place. Maybe that's what you should be considering rather than your GF's response to a question that could be misinterpreted, (texting lacks the cues which verbal or face-to-face conversation allows, such as voice tone, eye contact, facial expression, speech speed, etc), but that probably wasn't. Probably best not to rely on texting and emojis as a means of accurate self-expression. 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, lovers said:

she went on vacation to visit her family which is why she wasn't with me for new years. 

That's ok. But the loaded questions are the problem when you don't really want an answer except for one you staged. Let the dust settle. Talk in person when she's back and see what both of your expectations are for this situation. 

[basil67]

10 hours ago, lovers said:

and here she is dismissing my feelings.

You didn't communicate your feelings - all you did was send a couple of rude emojis.   All credit to her for not reacting to such childish behaviour.  

[lovers]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

You didn't communicate your feelings - all you did was send a couple of rude emojis.   All credit to her for not reacting to such childish behaviour.  

I did i said you didn't include me in your highlights at all. she said i mentioned one of my highlights was watching this band which is like a cop out answer. We watched a band together 

[lovers]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's ok. But the loaded questions are the problem when you don't really want an answer except for one you staged. Let the dust settle. Talk in person when she's back and see what both of your expectations are for this situation. 

I would feel like its not genuine at that point. Her response or lack of it was very revealing to me. Even after I hinted and directly told her that she was a highlight of mines she still didn't include me at all. She just laughed it off. People like to feel secure in a relationship and she mentioned how she wants that to me at one point, but here I don't feel secure at all. Its interesting, considering she was the one who shows affection first saying baby and heart emojis. Makes me feel all that was a facade. 

Mentioning it to her and her acting different now won't feel genuine. If she would change I would feel like she is lying at that point and just trying to please me. I mean she was the one who asked me that question first then proceeds to give vague answers to my responses and hardly any acknowledgement of my existence with her highlights and her future plans..... Just very revealing to me. 

Edited January 1, 2024 by lovers

[Alpacalia]

Are you a man or are you a moose? What made you think that giving her a "taste of her own medicine" was a mature or reasonable response? Your girlfriend told you directly what her highlights were for the year 2023, and instead of accepting her response, you chose to get upset and play games. It's also concerning that you seem to have a "tit for tat" mentality in your relationship. Just because your girlfriend didn't mention you in her highlights does not automatically mean she doesn't prioritize you or see a future with you.

Why do you feel like you are "not high on [her] priority list" just because she didn't mention you in her answer? It's possible that she has other highlights and goals that are important to her, and that doesn't mean she doesn't value or prioritize you. Going to a concert is a memorable experience, and it doesn't have to involve you to still be significant to her. And why does her response of laughing off your reaction automatically make you think she is dismissing your feelings? It's possible she didn't take your reaction seriously because it seemed like an overreaction to a simple conversation.

[basil67]

12 minutes ago, lovers said:

I did i said you didn't include me in your highlights at all. she said i mentioned one of my highlights was watching this band which is like a cop out answer. We watched a band together 

This is a rehashing of what happened, not an expression of feelings.  

Expression of feelings would start with the statement "I feel [ ] when I noticed that time with me didn't make your favourites list"   And hopefully the [ ] would contain something like "hurt" or "confused" rather than "angry" or "pissed"

 

Edited January 1, 2024 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, lovers said:

I don't feel secure at all. Its interesting, considering she was the one who shows affection first saying baby and heart emojis. Makes me feel all that was a facade. 

Talk about what you both want out of this when she gets back. She didn't pass your s-test. If you feel this insecure in the relationship based on the "wrong" answer to one trick question, maybe it's time to reevaluate how happy you are in the relationship. 

[basil67]

7 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

 Genuine goals are personal & don't involve another person.  

Indeed.  If my husband asked me what my goal is, I'd say it's to improve my urban landscapes and watercolour technique.   And I reckon his would be to improve at his golf.   

A goal which involves a partner needs to be discussed and agreed to with each other, and really only needs to be made if there's improvement which should happen.  Perhaps a goal for the two of you would involve exploring ways to improve your communication

 

Edited January 1, 2024 by basil67

[NuevoYorko]

Frankly, you are coming off as far too insecure, with a tendency to be manipulative about it,  to be relationship material at this point.  You might want to let this one go before it all gets worse.

 

[ShyViolet]

Are you the kind of person that everything has to be about YOU?  

I think you are being really ridiculous about this.  If she is your girlfriend, and chooses to stay with you, then it's implied that she values the relationship and wants to be with you.  She doesn't have to make her answer to this question all about you.  It is perfectly normal for her to talk about other things that were highlights of her year.

You sound extremely immature and insecure.  If you would let an otherwise good relationship get ruined over something this silly, then she is better off without you.

[lovers]

21 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Are you the kind of person that everything has to be about YOU?  

I think you are being really ridiculous about this.  If she is your girlfriend, and chooses to stay with you, then it's implied that she values the relationship and wants to be with you.  She doesn't have to make her answer to this question all about you.  It is perfectly normal for her to talk about other things that were highlights of her year.

You sound extremely immature and insecure.  If you would let an otherwise good relationship get ruined over something this silly, then she is better off without you.

I think you are forgetting the trigger. She asked me what my highlight of 2023 was I mentioned meeting her. Then I asked about her highlight which my feelings about her wasn't reciprocated. Then I proceed to double down and mention to her about it she was inconsiderate and laughed it off. When I mentioned my 2023 highlight was something else then she says oh so I wasn't your highlight? My feelings aren't being reciprocated and it shows genuinely how she feels about me. Feels like a one sided thing. I mean that would make many people feel a bit insecure and question the relationship. 

How would you feel if you said I love you to your spouse and they dismissed it or didn't even acknowledge it? Saying they love something else. I reckon you wouldn't be too happy about that 

Edited January 1, 2024 by lovers

[Ami1uwant]

9 minutes ago, lovers said:

I think you are forgetting the trigger. She asked me what my highlight of 2023 was I mentioned meeting her. Then I asked about her highlight which my feelings about her wasn't reciprocated. Then I proceed to double down and mention to her about it she was inconsiderate and laughed it off. When I mentioned my 2023 highlight was something then she says oh so I wasn't your highlight? My feelings aren't being reciprocated and it shows genuinely how she feels about me. I mean that would make many people feel a bit insecure. 

Without knowing her responses it’s hard to say yes or no to this…..I think mom beating cancer might top meeting you.  

 

how often do you see each other face to face.

[Alpacalia]

15 minutes ago, lovers said:

I think you are forgetting the trigger. She asked me what my highlight of 2023 was I mentioned meeting her. Then I asked about her highlight which my feelings about her wasn't reciprocated. Then I proceed to double down and mention to her about it she was inconsiderate and laughed it off. When I mentioned my 2023 highlight was something else then she says oh so I wasn't your highlight? My feelings aren't being reciprocated and it shows genuinely how she feels about me. Feels like a one sided thing. I mean that would make many people feel a bit insecure and question the relationship. 

How would you feel if you said I love you to your spouse and they dismissed it or didn't even acknowledge it? Saying they love something else. I reckon you wouldn't be too happy about that 

Well you're right, the trigger of the conversation does change things. Had you not been passively trying to bring up your feelings and instead had a more direct conversation about it, then her response might have been different.