The Dumper Isn't a Bad Person

[BulletDodged]

Just wanted to say, the dumper isn't necessarily a bad person.. Quite often the dumper is in-fact a "Forced" dumper.

 

For example if you are being disrespected, taken for granted & communication with that person, has not resolved the matter, then dumping or walking away from that person is the only option left on the table.

Being a forced dumper, might actually be more painful, than being the person who got dumped.

 

Either way it's a painful situation for both parties.

[basil67]

Of course a dumper isn't necessarily bad.  I mean, does anyone seriously expect a person who's needs aren't getting met for whatever reason to stick around anyway?  

I'm not buying the concept of "forced dumper" though.  I think it's an invented concept used where people want to be seen as a poor sad victim rather than as someone who's sensibly ended a relationship because it needed to end..... Hello!  You've just dumped someone who was no good for you.  Own it your decision to dump them and be proud of it!

[Alpacalia]

Yes, just because someone is the dumper does not automatically make them a bad person.

The reasons for my first two long-term relationships ending are not ones you might expect. It wasn't due to neglect or disrespect, or any clear flaw on their part. Surprisingly, it was simply because I lost all sense of attraction towards them. It was not easy and I went through a lot of inner turmoil and struggled with the decision before ultimately deciding to end things.

However, I have said goodbye to someone because of THEIR hurtful behavior towards me.

With your situation, it sounds like you still loved her, BUT was being treated negatively. It was definitely the stronger, right decision to dump her and not stay in a miserable relationship.

That takes a lot of courage and I am sure it wasn't an easy decision for you.

[BulletDodged]

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

Of course a dumper isn't necessarily bad.  I mean, does anyone seriously expect a person who's needs aren't getting met for whatever reason to stick around anyway?  

I'm not buying the concept of "forced dumper" though.  I think it's an invented concept used where people want to be seen as a poor sad victim rather than as someone who's sensibly ended a relationship because it needed to end..... Hello!  You've just dumped someone who was no good for you.  Own it your decision to dump them and be proud of it!

 

I understand your point.. However often it's not that black & white.

I under you sentiment in saying "end it and be proud of it"

More often than not, we are still in love with that person because they have great qualities too, you still have strong feelings, however you have to go against your feelings & force yourself out of that situation.

 

Dumping someone you still love is very painful.

 

[BulletDodged]

8 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Yes, just because someone is the dumper does not automatically make them a bad person.

The reasons for my first two long-term relationships ending are not ones you might expect. It wasn't due to neglect or disrespect, or any clear flaw on their part. Surprisingly, it was simply because I lost all sense of attraction towards them. It was not easy and I went through a lot of inner turmoil and struggled with the decision before ultimately deciding to end things.

However, I have said goodbye to someone because of THEIR hurtful behavior towards me.

With your situation, it sounds like you still loved her, BUT was being treated negatively. It was definitely the stronger, right decision to dump her and not stay in a miserable relationship.

That takes a lot of courage and I am sure it wasn't an easy decision for you.

 

Walking away from someone who you lost attraction for is I suppose a little easier, than dumpies someone you are highly attracted to, and still in love with, however the unreasonable behaviour leaves you no choice but to walk away.

That is a very painful type of breakup.

Edited December 31, 2023 by BulletDodged

[Wiseman2]

46 minutes ago, BulletDodged said:

 someone you are highly attracted to, and still in love with, however the unreasonable behaviour leaves you no choice but to walk away.

Incompatibilities, deal breakers and irreconcilable differences are actually quite common reasons for ending a relationship.

  Especially things like substance abuse, cheating and other unsustainable behavior. It may be more painful in these instances, not because of attraction or love,  but because of overinvesting and trauma bonds. 

Edited December 31, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Alpacalia]

59 minutes ago, BulletDodged said:

 

Walking away from someone who you lost attraction for is I suppose a little easier, than dumpies someone you are highly attracted to, and still in love with, however the unreasonable behaviour leaves you no choice but to walk away.

That is a very painful type of breakup.

True.

I revealed that not only was I once guilty of causing pain, but I also took a stance against it by leaving a hurtful relationship. Have you ever felt like a villain because of how others treated you and your reactions? Don't let that label stick. Standing up for your own well-being does not equate to being a bad person.

Maybe're you're feeling a touch of survivor's remorse?

[BulletDodged]

26 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

True.

I revealed that not only was I once guilty of causing pain, but I also took a stance against it by leaving a hurtful relationship. Have you ever felt like a villain because of how others treated you and your reactions? Don't let that label stick. Standing up for your own well-being does not equate to being a bad person.

Maybe're you're feeling a touch of survivor's remorse?

 

Well I walked away from someone who was causing me pain, drama, and disrespected me a few times too, nearly cost me my job.

And yes she went on Social Media & played the victim. 

 

Statements such as "No man will ever love me" crazy thing is, I loved her alot, I just couldn't deal with the crazy behaviour anymore.

 

So yes I did feel guilty for a while, felt awful, was even tempted to reach out.. but in the end, I have to save myself First.

 

You can lose yourself, trying to save another person.

[Wiseman2]

38 minutes ago, BulletDodged said:

 I walked away from someone who was causing me pain, drama, and disrespected me a few times too, nearly cost me my job.

You made the right decision ending it. Maybe it's a matter of cutting your losses in this case. Sometimes it's untenable situations like this, sometimes people grow apart, and sometimes it's just not workable such as long distance and other obstacles. 

[basil67]

10 hours ago, BulletDodged said:

 

I understand your point.. However often it's not that black & white.

I under you sentiment in saying "end it and be proud of it"

More often than not, we are still in love with that person because they have great qualities too, you still have strong feelings, however you have to go against your feelings & force yourself out of that situation.

 

Dumping someone you still love is very painful.

 

Sure, but it's still a dumping which is made because you need to end it.  Unless a person is holding you under physical duress to dump them, it's not a "force dump".   It's just a regular breakup.

Back to the topic though, I can't say I've ever heard that dumpers are bad people.  Sure, the dumpee might get heartbroken and complain to all and sundry, but that's just them venting.  If the relationship isn't right for whatever reason, we always have the right to leave and that doesn't make us a bad person.

[basil67]

11 hours ago, BulletDodged said:

Well I walked away from someone who was causing me pain, drama, and disrespected me a few times too, nearly cost me my job.

And yes she went on Social Media & played the victim. 

Statements such as "No man will ever love me" crazy thing is, I loved her alot, I just couldn't deal with the crazy behaviour anymore.

So yes I did feel guilty for a while, felt awful, was even tempted to reach out.. but in the end, I have to save myself First.

You can lose yourself, trying to save another person.

You very much lost yourself in this relationship.  You talk of the crazy behaviour..... well her rant on social media was just more of the same.  I great big flashing "LOOK AT ME!" kind of crazy.  I reckon her acquaintances  would have rolled their eyes reading it.  There was absolutely nothing for you to feel guilty about.   

Trying to save someone else is a fool's errand. People really only change after receiving consequences for their actions, and even then, only if they have the emotional maturity to look at how their actions caused the consequences.  Don't ever lose yourself in trying to save another.