Good date, but got turned down

[FredEire]

Went on a date tonight which went really well for the most part. Lots of laughing, joking and seemed to be mutual chemistry. She was also complimenting my appearance a lot, saying she liked my eyes etc.

However due to a couple of very negative recent experiences I found myself maybe overthinking things toward the end of the date, forcing jokes etc a little too much. There still seemed to be a really good vibe and I went for a kiss which she didn't reciprocate, said something about waiting and asked why I wanted to kiss her. I didn't make too much of it but replied honestly that I liked her and thought we were having a good time.

It didn't get awkward and we stayed at the bar for a while longer, as we were leaving she mentioned something about us going hiking together as well. I just hugged her goodbye and we went our seperate ways.

After I got home she texted me a question about something we'd been talking about on the date, we chatted for a while longer and I said that I'd had a good time and was going to sleep soon. Interestingly she didn't say how it was for her just "ok! I hope you sleep very well :)"

Probably just a lot of overthinking and maybe bad timing on my end. I guess not everyone is comfortable with a kiss on a first date so it may just have been that rather than disinterest but I'll have to see how it plays out.

I'm thinking if there is a second date I should reel it in a bit and more or less try and give her as much space as possible and see how she reacts.

Thoughts?

Edited December 29, 2023 by FredEire

[Alpacalia]

I am not one to kiss on 1st dates either because that's just me, so her being weirded out by a kiss on the 1st date isn't something to take personally. Next time, try holding her hand walking down the street as a more appropriate way to show interest AND receive feedback, without it getting awkward or putting too much pressure on creating a kiss. If she's interested, *she'll* initiate a kiss.

There's nothing hotter than a man that can show some restraint and not go in for a kiss on the first date. Especially if the situation/person/target is right. Keep it steamy by kissing her thoughts, staying engaged on interesting conversation and asking what her interests are as well! One of the best things you can do is to relax and not overthink things.

It's natural for both parties to be a bit nervous on a first date, so try not to take things too seriously. Are you going to ask her on a second date? 

Edited December 29, 2023 by Alpacalia

[FredEire]

3 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I am not one to kiss on 1st dates either because that's just me, so her being weirded out by a kiss on the 1st date isn't something to take personally. Next time, try holding her hand walking down the street as a more appropriate way to show interest AND receive feedback, without it getting awkward or putting too much pressure on creating a kiss. If she's interested, *she'll* initiate a kiss.

There's nothing hotter than a man that can show some restraint and not go in for a kiss on the first date. Especially if the situation/person/target is right. Keep it steamy by kissing her thoughts, staying engaged on interesting conversation and asking what her interests are as well! One of the best things you can do is to relax and not overthink things.

It's natural for both parties to be a bit nervous on a first date, so try not to take things too seriously. Are you going to ask her on a second date? 

Kissing her thoughts haha I like it.

Yeah sounds like good advice. I'm usually able to judge it and go with the flow quite well but as I said maybe due to nerves from other bad experiences as I mentioned I'm maybe not acting as natural and making things more awkward than they have to be.

There definitely did seem to be interest on her part so yeah I'll definitely suggest we meet up again. Hopefully it didn't make things too weird, let's see.

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, FredEire said:

 she mentioned something about us going hiking together as well. I just hugged her goodbye and we went our seperate ways.After I got home she texted me a question about something we'd been talking about on the date, we chatted for a while longer.

It seems like it went quite well.  Ask her on a second date, maybe the hiking idea and just slow your roll a bit. 

[ShyViolet]

The fact that she texted you after the date and was still talking to you is a good sign, it shows that she is still interested on some level.  You are overthinking things a lot.  Just be yourself and stop analyzing every little thing you are doing.

[ExpatInItaly]

I was expecting to read that she turned you down for a second date. 

But she just didn't feel like kissing you on the first date - which is not unusual. A lot  of us women are not comfortable with that, even if things are going well. Remember that you are a stranger to her, essentially. A kiss can feel more intimate for some, which she clearly was not ready for. 

Ask her out again. See how it goes and try to relax. 

 

[d0nnivain]

You are over thinking it.  Some people don't kiss on a 1st date.  It's good that you respected her boundary.  The fact that she texted you is a good sign.  Go on that 2nd date & see what happens.  

[Alpacalia]

13 hours ago, FredEire said:

There definitely did seem to be interest on her part so yeah I'll definitely suggest we meet up again. Hopefully it didn't make things too weird, let's see.

I think so too! Definitely suggest a 2nd date. She mentioned going hiking following so all positive signs.

[Gaeta]

I will add my voice to the others, she text you afterward, she mentioned an activity, she IS interested. Don't wait too long and start making plans with her for that 2nd date. Doesn't matter if you only have time after the Holidays, ask her now when she's available. Have suggestions ready. 

[princessaurora]

To echo several others, alot of women don't feel comfortable kissing on the first date. I generally didn't myself, but once I got to know the guy a bit better, I was fine with it. If she complimented you, is still in contact with you and talked about things she'd like to do with you, she's definitely open to another date, so like @Gaetasaid, secure it now even if you're busy with the holidays, so she knows you're still interested. 

[FredEire]

Thanks for your thoughts guys we've agreed to meet up on Wednesday so let's see how it goes.

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Thanks for your thoughts guys we've agreed to meet up on Wednesday so let's see how it goes.

That's great. It seems after Covid kissing on the first meeting sort of went out of style. Don't take it personally. The date was a success. Maybe hold hands, arm around her, a hug etc could be a better place to start these days. Enjoy your date!

Edited December 29, 2023 by Wiseman2

[smackie9]

That's great! hope it goes well for you

[FredEire]

She actually seemed to be dropping hints to do something with her on NYE but I agreed to visit a friend who lives a good distance away earlier in the day. Seemed quite disappointed and just replied "ah ok" when I told her I was going to be away.

Anyway I'm available when I'm available. Let's see what happens.

[Alpacalia]

13 minutes ago, FredEire said:

She actually seemed to be dropping hints to do something with her on NYE but I agreed to visit a friend who lives a good distance away earlier in the day. Seemed quite disappointed and just replied "ah ok" when I told her I was going to be away.

Anyway I'm available when I'm available. Let's see what happens.

I don't think that should matter much. It's not like Wednesday is weeks away. People typically have plans already for NYE. You're good! Have fun on your date. 😃

[ZA Dater]

Overthinking in my view is one of the biggest problems with dating. Sounds like things went pretty well, go for the second date but even then maybe do not kiss and see if she makes any sort of move.

[FredEire]

So we went on the second date, I think everyone here was correct in their assessment that she just prefers a slower pace. We didn't kiss this time either but there was a lot of holding hands etc which she initiated.

In general it was a good date. I get on quite well with her and find her physically attractive, and we talked a bit more about our life experiences and preferences etc. She admitted she tends to be a bit jealous which wasn't great as it was a big issue in my last relationship but it's not a total deal breaker for me either as long as there's open communication.

However I didn't feel too much in the way of excitement/butterflies on this date even compared to the first. It's a little bit frustrating as it seems like I may be attracted to impossible/volatile situations and turned off by something potentially solid.

Anyway I've decided to to try and not overthink too much, it's a second date and she's decided she wants to take it very slow anyway so it's probably a good pace to see where things go while being honest if it becomes clear its not for me.

 

 

Edited January 3 by FredEire

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, FredEire said:

It's a little bit frustrating as it seems like I may be attracted to impossible/volatile situations and turned off by something potentially solid.

It's ok to try a third date to rule out nerves or asses attraction. She seems interested so see what happens. 

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, FredEire said:

However I didn't feel too much in the way of excitement/butterflies on this date even compared to the first. 

Don't go by that. That can change, It did for me once. And it was magical. 🤤

[Gaeta]

16 hours ago, FredEire said:

She admitted she tends to be a bit jealous

That's how people often ends up in the same type of toxic relationship. If she tells you she's the jealous type on your second date take it as she is warning you ahead of time...listen! 

You've been in that type of relationship and you were unhappy, why don't you just pass on this one?

I would never date a man that tells me 'he's a bit jealous'.

Edited January 4 by Gaeta

[FredEire]

5 hours ago, Gaeta said:

That's how people often ends up in the same type of toxic relationship. If she tells you she's the jealous type on your second date take it as she is warning you ahead of time...listen! 

You've been in that type of relationship and you were unhappy, why don't you just pass on this one?

I would never date a man that tells me 'he's a bit jealous'.

Yeah I think it gets quite normalised, especially in certain cultures it's seen as part of being affectionate.

But the feeling of walking on eggshells all the time and wondering who you'll be accused of flirting with next is horrible. I could do without that you're right. It's a red flag.

[Alpacalia]

7 hours ago, FredEire said:

Yeah I think it gets quite normalised, especially in certain cultures it's seen as part of being affectionate.

But the feeling of walking on eggshells all the time and wondering who you'll be accused of flirting with next is horrible. I could do without that you're right. It's a red flag.

In what context did she tell you this? That's a bit unusual to blurt out on a date. 

[Alpacalia]

7 hours ago, FredEire said:

Yeah I think it gets quite normalised, especially in certain cultures it's seen as part of being affectionate.

But the feeling of walking on eggshells all the time and wondering who you'll be accused of flirting with next is horrible. I could do without that you're right. It's a red flag.

xxx

Edited January 5 by Alpacalia

[FredEire]

11 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

In what context did she tell you this? That's a bit unusual to blurt out on a date. 

No tbf she didn't blurt it out. We were talking about past experiences and what we value in relationships etc. She asked why my last relationship ended and I said there were some issues with jealousy. I asked if she ever got jealous and she said "a little" but only as part of "normal affection".

Anyway we haven't talked much since the date, maybe it wasn't quite what either of us was looking for. Not the end of the world.

 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, FredEire said:

No tbf she didn't blurt it out. We were talking about past experiences and what we value in relationships etc. She asked why my last relationship ended and I said there were some issues with jealousy. I asked if she ever got jealous and she said "a little" but only as part of "normal affection".

Anyway we haven't talked much since the date, maybe it wasn't quite what either of us was looking for. Not the end of the world.

Sounds like she was communicating it in a healthy way but if you've had issues with it in past relationships better to err on the side of caution.