Cheating/paternity fraud

[stillafool]

Does the mistress also attend those functions with her daughter at the in-laws?

[NuevoYorko]

This whole thing is ridiculous.  I'm sorry you're in a pickle, but why do your kids have to know anything about that young woman's parentage?  Since evidently your children have never had anything to do with their fathers' family of origin?   

[Gaeta]

So,  your husband decided to act as a father to a child that is not his, and his family accepted to play the role of being her family. I see nothing wrong with this. It took 2 years for the truth to come out so all of them had already bounded. 

It's NOT your business to tell this young woman that the man she thinks is her father is not her bio father. Only a deeply evil person would do that. 

So your children may know one day that their dad played the role of father to a child that is not biologically his, what's the issue with that? It doesn't mean they need to enter a relationship with that young woman or her mother. 

The fact his family accepted that child as theirs and did not accept yours has nothing to do with that young woman. You think by informing that young woman and everyone involved that she is not his bio child everyone will go < oh sorry we won't be your family anymore> ? 

You have issues, deep personnel issues with your husband's family. Those issues are separate from that young woman. You are just using her as a recipient to poor all of your anger in. I think you have not dealt with his cheating still. 

Edited December 29, 2023 by Gaeta

[mark clemson]

Sometimes it's the most dysfunctional people who gravitate towards each other. Possibly his family liking the Ex and not accepting you is a case of this.

Your husband accepting all this deception and game playing seems to indicate he is "comfortable with dysfunction". Perhaps you are as well. (And I'd note that some level of dysfunction is common if not universal, it's a matter of degree we are talking about here...)

You might research the "Drama Triangle" and see if the dynamics described there seem to apply to you, your husband, the Ex and his extended family, etc.

If it were me and the spouse did not intend to leave part of his inheritance for this "child"/mention her specifically in the will, I think I'd be cautiously and diplomatically seeking some court-admissible evidence relating to this paternity test. Proof that one turned out negative might be helpful to have one day, although what a court considers "proof" and admissible evidence is going to vary by jurisdiction.

[Gaeta]

One does not need to be blood related to inherit de facto. If he acted as a father figure to her, if she bonded with him as such, she may be eligible for an inheritance. There are a number of non-bio fathers who were granted custody of a child over their bio child. The law is not as black & white as it used to be. Bonding makes a strong case in court mowadays.

Why is his death an issue, if he dies, by default,  all goes to OP his wife. 

[NuevoYorko]

On 12/28/2023 at 11:19 AM, Trapdoor919 said:

My kids do not know this child at all. I kept them away because of how angry and mean the child’s mother is.my kids have never met her. 

In this case ... why on Earth do your kids have to know about this young woman?  They don't know their father's family members, and they don't know her, and she is not related to them.  

I'm not grasping why her status is even pertinent to you and your own life, in any way, either.

[MsJayne]

Please correct me if I've misread or misunderstood any of the following points;  Your husband had a thing with the mother of the now-adult daughter before you were on the scene, (or in the very early days of your relationship with him), and was named as the father of this daughter, but another man's name is on the birth certificate. A DNA test revealed that your husband is not the father, but he decided to play along with the father role anyway. The adult-daughter is under the impression that your husband is her father, and she and her mother are so enmeshed in his family that you feel like you're being manipulated and forced to go along with a lie that you know is wrong, as well as being made to feel like you're the outsider. Within this scenario you've been being undermined for X number of years, your husband's family has rejected their biological grandchildren/nieces/nephews/cousins, (your kids), in favour of going along with this lie, and they have no regard for how this impacts your kids or you. 

The mother of the non-daughter is a disgrace, and your husband is a weak and disloyal coward. The daughter herself is at no fault, she's been lied to her entire life. She's not even aware of the role she's played in all of this, or that you and your kids are paying the price for her mother's despicable behaviour. You say your husband has been abusive in your marriage, (I assume you mean other than the fact that he's been undermining you throughout the union),  and his family have rejected your kids, which is also a type of abuse.  So, the daughter needs to be told the truth and shown the proof, and has a right to know who her real father is. The real father also has a right to know he has a daughter. If you choose to be the one who tells her, you can expect to be the target of the whole family's rage, so, depending on whether you want the marriage to continue, (and I cannot think why you would want to stay with someone who has crapped on his biological children so badly - he's condoned his own children being excluded from his family in favour of the cuckoo in the nest and protecting the image of some grubby skank he plonked years ago - massive a*****e), you need to make a plan on how to tackle this in a way that minimises damage to you, your kids, and the non-daughter. Normally I would say it's not your place to tell the daughter the truth, however your kids have been made to pay for long enough, and you must have a lot of anger bubbling away inside you, so it's time for her vile mother to be exposed as the parasite she is. I suggest that before you confront all of this you go see a lawyer and prepare for divorce, because exposing the truth is going to be ugly, and you're going to be labelled the bad guy. But, you're labelled the bad guy already by the sounds of things, so you've got nothing to lose by shoving the truth up everyone's rear. You would probably find rubbing their noses in the truth to be a liberating exercise, as well as a good lesson for your kids about standing up for their rights. 

[S2B]

I may have missed it - but

did he pay child support all those years?

[Gaeta]

30 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

find rubbing their noses in the truth to be a liberating exercise, as well as a good lesson for your kids about standing up for their rights. 

The truth is they bonded over 25 years. She is one of them. My bet is it will bring them closer as a family to protect the non-daughter, who'll be the only victim.

What rights exactly OP's children deserve?  Being accepted by the in-laws? After what l've read the in-laws don't even deserve to have OP's children in their life. These people have never been in OP's children lives, they can't miss something they never had. 

You know the saying: if someone does not want to be in your life ...let them leave. Toxic people are not worth it, even those that are blood related to you. OP's children have her side of the family.

If l were OP l would say F all that and l'd divorce him. I have a feeling though that husband is from a family with money and it motivates her to stick around. My 6th sense think that's what she refering to when she talks funeral, inheritence and her children's rights. 

 

[Wiseman2]

On 12/28/2023 at 6:00 AM, Trapdoor919 said:

Husband cheats with ex lies to me about it for a year. His family became attached & helped raise the child. 

Unfortunately your husband is the problem. It seems he's quite irresponsible and his parents stepped up under the assumption the child was his.

That's not their fault. It seems this woman applied for child support and your husband had DNA testing to get out of paying that.  

It seems you avoid his family for this reason?  You and your children have nothing to do with his mistress or her child, but because of your husband's cheating, lies and irresponsible behavior his parents were tricked into believing this was their grandchild so stepped up and formed a bond with her?

  If your husband is abusive and you can't stand his family, why not consider divorcing him? This will resolve the (unwarranted) issue of his mistress or her child suddenly showing up at his funeral.

It's not your responsibility to inform this young woman of anything. She was victimized by your husband and his lies. 

[NuevoYorko]

I still can't understand why it's important for your kids, the young woman, or anybody, for that matter, to know that your husband  / ex husband is not her bio dad.   Or how it influences your life in any way at all.

[MsJayne]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

My bet is it will bring them closer as a family to protect the non-daughter, who'll be the only victim.

Yes, it could be incredibly traumatising for her, but I don't think she's the only victim because to me it sounds like the non-daughter's mother made it her business to latch on to OP's husband's family, and maybe his whole family's been manipulated by her choice to lie about her daughter's paternity, in which case they're all victims to some degree. Obviously if they've rejected their bio grand-kids there's something very wrong in the family, I'm questioning why they don't have enough love to go around and what other factors influence their attitude. I agree that being exposed as a group who conspired to lie about something so big for so long would very likely send them into a flurry of bond-strengthening shared outrage which would backfire on OP,  so she should only proceed if she's OK with the potential fallout. 

[Gaeta]

On 12/28/2023 at 6:00 AM, Trapdoor919 said:

When we had kids of our own, his mom was hostile & had nothing to do with his bio children

Would you explain why his mother was hostile? What is the story behind this? It takes a lot for a grand mother to disown her grand children.

[mark clemson]

21 hours ago, Gaeta said:

One does not need to be blood related to inherit de facto.

True but this sort of stuff varies a lot by jurisdiction.

Generally, mentioning someone specifically by name in a will/trust is going to count for a lot as it clarifies "intent" of the deceased. Not specifying a "child" (if she counts as one, which she might, depending on jurisdiction, etc) might leave some room for interpretation, depending on phrasing. However, OP would need an appropriate lawyer in her jurisdiction to give accurate advice for her situation.

[stillafool]

16 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Would you explain why his mother was hostile? What is the story behind this? It takes a lot for a grand mother to disown her grand children.

She said it was because she suggested to get a dna test for the girl to her husband, he did it and found out he is not the father.  His mother became angry with her for suggesting it and told her she wanted nothing to do with her kids. (It's really strange because if a mother in law told me that I would never take my kids around her; but OP wants to go to events over there but not if the girl is there.)   OP, if you really want to go to the functions at the mother in laws house just accept that the girl will be there.

 

21 hours ago, S2B said:

I may have missed it - but

did he pay child support all those years?

No.  The girl was proven not to be his.

Edited December 30, 2023 by stillafool

[Gaeta]

12 minutes ago, stillafool said:

His mother became angry with her for suggesting it and told her she wanted nothing to do with her kids

Ya, l find that weird. OP's children are her son 's as well. I can understand she wants nothing with her daughter in law but disowning her son's children....weird. Makes me think we don't have the entire story.

[stillafool]

Just now, Gaeta said:

Makes me think we don't have the entire story.

This is what I've been thinking.  It's hard to believe the mother in law wouldn't want to see her bio grands along with this girl.

[Lisa]

OP hasn't been back for a couple of days.  Probably best to hold off posting until they return