Every time I call the guy I'm talking to, I get a phone call from his ex the next day

[stillafool]

Answer her phone call and then tell him about it.  You can even ask her why is she calling you.  That isn't stirring up drama.

[Alpacalia]

33 minutes ago, sanrioalice said:

She’s calling me through her own phone number because we exchanged phone numbers a few years back but it was before him and I were back in contact

What prompted the exchange of phone numbers? Were there previous interactions or a friendship between the two of you?

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that she is 1) jealous and 2) still has feelings for him.

How come the man you're dating got involved now and not back then? High school was so long ago, right? Now that they are back single and they have a child, things can get messy if a 3rd wheel comes in. It's 100% about them two and you are the intruder. She's not in a public relationship, it's a relationship only on paper or in her head. This is messy no matter how he puts it.

His ex-girlfriend still has feelings for him and she might be using their child as the excuse to call. She might be civil in-person but as soon as you start calling him, you ruffle her feathers. She's probably hurt that he's now in a new potential relationship, and especially hurt that he hasn't dis-involved friendship with you after he left her.

Mentally, the biggest problem with exes is that he assisted in creating a child with her and has to deal with her for at least 17 more years. Whether you like it or not, mothers think about what's best for their child and will use the child for some leverage and control. Being that they broke up and he is now dating you, that control in her field, is no longer her world. She might be the type that wants control.

Yes, you should be concerned because this can be a red flag. If you really want to pursue things with him, you should have a talk with him. It's essential that he is clear with his boundaries and possibly him calling her regarding the type of relationship they have. It would best when your relationship is private for the first few months. 

As for her tracking his call logs, that is definitely a breach of privacy and she should not be doing that. Again, this is something that he should address with her. You don't know the ins and outs of their relationship or if they are still hooking up. Who knows?

For all you know she's giving up the "I'm the baby mama" vibes to create turbulence and just wait until things don't work out between the two of you. The easiest method to resolve this weird stuff happening right now is to chat with her and ask her why she's been calling and what specifically has targeted the attention on you when you call him.

Edited December 28, 2023 by Alpacalia

[NuevoYorko]

18 minutes ago, sanrioalice said:

I’m afraid if I pick up it would  stir up drama

The whole thing seems like nothing but drama.  I mean ... now that you've clarified, you have been "talking to" the guy for ONE MONTH and you hardly see each other.  Certainly not "dating" or in any kind of relationship.

She probably knows somehow that you and he have reconnected on this very casual and peripheral level, and maybe feels like reconnecting with you too.

These are people you knew in high school, were never close with in real life, and have just been "FB friends" for years.  That doesn't mean a lot.

[Gaeta]

47 minutes ago, sanrioalice said:

I’m afraid if I pick up it would  stir up drama..my thoughts are either she could be warning me about something or just something else. At the same time I don’t want to keep that from him so I feel like I’m between a rock and a hard place. Do I answer her and not tell him or do I tell him about her contacting me..this is my problem..

You give this man and this pseudo-relationship too much importance over your own well-being. 

This is not about creating drama, this is about looking out for yourself. 

You answer her, see what she has to say, then you decide if it's something you share with him. He's a talking buddy you owe him nothing at this point but you owe *yourself* to not close your eyes when something comes your way.

YOU telling him about this without first answering IS creating drama. For all you know she might just be working on a high school reunion. 

[ShyViolet]

54 minutes ago, sanrioalice said:

I’m afraid if I pick up it would  stir up drama..my thoughts are either she could be warning me about something or just something else. 

Well if she wants to "warn" you about something, why wouldn't you want to know what that is...

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, sanrioalice said:

 her and I were always mutuals on social media. A couple of years back I had given her my phone number because she asked for it 

If you already know each other, are connected on social media and you have each other's contact info, why wouldn't you take her calls?  Return her call and ask what's up. Only she knows why she's trying to reach you. 

[stillafool]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Only she knows why she's trying to reach you. 

You know, this is true.  Your boyfriend probably has no idea,  pick up the phone and ask her.  Are you afraid she's angry with you for seeing him or something?

[sanrioalice]

8 hours ago, stillafool said:

You know, this is true.  Your boyfriend probably has no idea,  pick up the phone and ask her.  Are you afraid she's angry with you for seeing him or something?

Yeah that’s exactly why I’m afraid to answer. Just from what I know of their history, it was pretty messy. I just don’t want any conflict with her but I guess I need to just suck it up and answer next time she contacts me..

[sanrioalice]

4 hours ago, S2B said:

Answer her call - only say hello. See what she talks about but don’t respond to her chatter. Do NOT fill any silent moments. Make sure to put the conversation ONLY in her court. Maybe at the end say “it would be ideal if you don’t contact me again”. 

I would have to wonder if he is on the same phone plan as hers? She must see his call history.

 

This is a great idea, I’ll do this next time she calls me. I’ll just let her do the talking. They must be, I think it’s strange she checks his call history in general. I want to ask him about that also but I’m not sure if it’s my place since him and I are still new

Edited December 29, 2023 by sanrioalice

[sanrioalice]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you already know each other, are connected on social media and you have each other's contact info, why wouldn't you take her calls?  Return her call and ask what's up. Only she knows why she's trying to reach you. 

I’m just afraid that she’s going to start conflict with me when I answer but I will answer when she calls next so I can get some answers. 

[sanrioalice]

9 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Well if she wants to "warn" you about something, why wouldn't you want to know what that is...

That’s very true, I’m going to bite the bullet and just answer next time she calls

[sanrioalice]

9 hours ago, Gaeta said:

You give this man and this pseudo-relationship too much importance over your own well-being. 

This is not about creating drama, this is about looking out for yourself. 

You answer her, see what she has to say, then you decide if it's something you share with him. He's a talking buddy you owe him nothing at this point but you owe *yourself* to not close your eyes when something comes your way.

YOU telling him about this without first answering IS creating drama. For all you know she might just be working on a high school reunion. 

You’re definitely right, I’ve been stressing myself out way too much when this relationship barely started. I’m going to answer next time she calls, hoping for the best. Thank you 

[sanrioalice]

9 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

The whole thing seems like nothing but drama.  I mean ... now that you've clarified, you have been "talking to" the guy for ONE MONTH and you hardly see each other.  Certainly not "dating" or in any kind of relationship.

She probably knows somehow that you and he have reconnected on this very casual and peripheral level, and maybe feels like reconnecting with you too.

These are people you knew in high school, were never close with in real life, and have just been "FB friends" for years.  That doesn't mean a lot.

Yeah that’s very true, it’s definitely a lot for something that’s barely new and not serious at all yet. Yeah I wouldn’t say we’re dating that’s why I’ve been so confused as to why she’s calling me and checking his call history. Especially since she’s in a relationship of her own that seems pretty serious

[sanrioalice]

9 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

What prompted the exchange of phone numbers? Were there previous interactions or a friendship between the two of you?

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that she is 1) jealous and 2) still has feelings for him.

How come the man you're dating got involved now and not back then? High school was so long ago, right? Now that they are back single and they have a child, things can get messy if a 3rd wheel comes in. It's 100% about them two and you are the intruder. She's not in a public relationship, it's a relationship only on paper or in her head. This is messy no matter how he puts it.

His ex-girlfriend still has feelings for him and she might be using their child as the excuse to call. She might be civil in-person but as soon as you start calling him, you ruffle her feathers. She's probably hurt that he's now in a new potential relationship, and especially hurt that he hasn't dis-involved friendship with you after he left her.

Mentally, the biggest problem with exes is that he assisted in creating a child with her and has to deal with her for at least 17 more years. Whether you like it or not, mothers think about what's best for their child and will use the child for some leverage and control. Being that they broke up and he is now dating you, that control in her field, is no longer her world. She might be the type that wants control.

Yes, you should be concerned because this can be a red flag. If you really want to pursue things with him, you should have a talk with him. It's essential that he is clear with his boundaries and possibly him calling her regarding the type of relationship they have. It would best when your relationship is private for the first few months. 

As for her tracking his call logs, that is definitely a breach of privacy and she should not be doing that. Again, this is something that he should address with her. You don't know the ins and outs of their relationship or if they are still hooking up. Who knows?

For all you know she's giving up the "I'm the baby mama" vibes to create turbulence and just wait until things don't work out between the two of you. The easiest method to resolve this weird stuff happening right now is to chat with her and ask her why she's been calling and what specifically has targeted the attention on you when you call him.

A few years back she messaged me on FB and said we should catch up and asked for my number. We texted briefly just saying what we’ve been up to and all that. I would t say we had a relationship but more like occasional like ones post plus we both know him and we have mutual friends.

 

Thank you for this advice, truly. This gave me an entirely different perspective on things. I’m going to talk to him about it, staying quiet won’t give me answers. I will answer the next time she calls as well

[Acacia98]

It's great that you've decided to take the bull by the horns.

Just a piece of advice for the future. If something like this ever happens again and you choose to keep quiet because you feel uncomfortable talking to the guy about it or answering the woman when she phones, then you're basically admitting to yourself that they are the couple and you are the interloper. In that scenario, it's best to just walk away.

Also this guy's general lack of availability except on the days when you aren't available is suspect. I think I'm beginning to see how he contributed to the drama between him and his ex.

[Gaeta]

8 hours ago, sanrioalice said:

why she’s calling me and checking his call history

That's a huge assomption based on nothing. She might be calling because he tells her he's just talked to you and that reminds her she needs to talk to you about xyz.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, sanrioalice said:

A few years back she messaged me on FB and said we should catch up and asked for my number. 

Dial her number and say "Hi it's sanrioalice,  I see you tried to reach me, what's up?". That will solve the entire problem because this man you're talking to has no idea why she's contacting you.

The way you phrased it that his "ex" (but really your acquaintance) is mysteriously calling (maybe randomly) makes it seem like you believe something strange is going on that this man should explain you. Is that the case?

Edited December 29, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Alpacalia]

9 hours ago, sanrioalice said:

A few years back she messaged me on FB and said we should catch up and asked for my number. We texted briefly just saying what we’ve been up to and all that. I would t say we had a relationship but more like occasional like ones post plus we both know him and we have mutual friends.

 

Thank you for this advice, truly. This gave me an entirely different perspective on things. I’m going to talk to him about it, staying quiet won’t give me answers. I will answer the next time she calls as well

I see.

Yes, next time pick up and see what she says. It's odd that she seems to call each time following when you've spoken with him and that she is not leaving a message.

[stillafool]

9 hours ago, sanrioalice said:

I’m just afraid that she’s going to start conflict with me when I answer but I will answer when she calls next so I can get some answers. 

If she does, ask her "What is the problem?, you're with somebody else and have moved on, why do you care?", then tell her "I'd appreciate it if you don't call me again."  Don't be afraid of her.

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

It's odd that she seems to call each time following when you've spoken with him and that she is not leaving a message.

If they talk often of course it seems she calls after they talk.

[Alpacalia]

20 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

If they talk often of course it seems she calls after they talk.

Which 'they'? I'm confused now, lol.

OP and this man? Or OP and this woman?

It seems that based on what was written, the relationship between OP and this woman isn't close enough for frequent contact. If she's calling every time after you (OP) talk to the man you're seeing (whether it's actual dating or just talking) and not leaving a message, it raises questions.

Even if he's just chatting with his ex on that particular day, it's still odd. Once in a while might seem coincidental, but if she keeps calling the day after (without leaving a message) each time, it raises concerns. I'd be about 98% convinced she's checking the phone logistically to see who he's in contact with or possibly right beside him when OP calls. This behavior might suggest they're still romantically involved.

It may or may not be nothing. But if you notice this happening, and/or it is actively bothering you, buzzing your alarm bells/annoying you. Ask about it.

Who knows, the ex may be feeling that it's odd that you're talking to her ex following their split and that you're the one who initiated it. Maybe she feels you encroached on her ex and that's why she called you?

We're only speculating here anyway unless you find a a tactful way of asking her why she called you the day after and if anything's wrong. It could be just be chance or coincidence at best. Or it could even be out of curiosity. Maybe she just called for the sake of being nosy and wanting to know who is calling her ex.

Edited December 29, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Gaeta]

10 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Which 'they'? I'm confused now, lol.

Sowwy 

I mean if OP and this man talk often, when this other woman calls OP of course it may appear as if she is always calling after OP and this man have a call.

I think there is a little touch of paranoia in OP. 

[mark clemson]

Sometimes, part of "compatibility" is "baggage". How much of a problem this weird Ex actually is remains to be seen, but I'd keep an eye out for her if you intend to date.

Some people look for ways to keep themselves "relevant" in the other person's life rather than making a more logical and practical clean break to the extent possible. It likely shows her ego has been stung by the break up, etc. Sometimes these folks escalate things if it appears their former love interest might be moving on - even more of a blow to their ego when the other person successfully finds a new person to be happy with, etc.

Edited December 29, 2023 by mark clemson

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Sowwy 

I mean if OP and this man talk often, when this other woman calls OP of course it may appear as if she is always calling after OP and this man have a call.

I think there is a little touch of paranoia in OP. 

So you feel it's coincidence? It could be.

The thing I don't get is that it doesn't seem like you and this woman are friends that connect on a regular basis. I would assume if you did, you would answer when she calls. That's what makes it seem odd and intentional to only call after you and the man have been talking.

[MsJayne]

Respond to her call next time and find out what she wants, or call her back and ask her. It's interesting that you mention their relationship was "messy" and you think she might be calling to warn you about something. If that was the case and what she had to say was true, (for instance, if he's abusive in intimate relationships), she'd be doing you a huge favour. Or, if it's not true, he needs to be informed that she's trying to interfere in his life. Or she might just think that if you're going to be a part of their child's life then it would be good if you were more in contact so that child-related stuff could run smoothly.