cma1 Posted December 26, 2023 Share Posted December 26, 2023 (edited) My partner and i have reconnected again after a break of around 3 years or so He seems to be much more balanced, nicer and seemed to be apologetic N acknowledged that he was rather nasty and not very appreciative of me before which i appreciated He acknowledged how when he drinks he becomes very verbally nasty and verbally aggressive and has no filter. Since we got back together he hasnt drank and its been ok Yes there are things and quirks that we are still adjusting to and discovering about each other but on the whole we are able to communicate about things in a positive manner and everything be ok However this past couple of days because of the festive period he had some drinks again, and the old horrible nasty kf has reappeared And i hate it I cannot deal witg confrontation I cannot cope with feeling belittled and like i am trapped in a load of verbal diarrhoea from him. But its like how can i not have a festive drink and he cant without it causing an issue, and upset yet one minute it is all fine and controls then all of a sudden its like a switch has been flipped and he changes and i really dont want to be around this person. The thing is we have already made the plans for him to move in with me by the end of next month. He has already given notice on his house and everything is in motion Dont get me wrong the lovely nice kf im looking forward to having live with me, but the things he says to me when he is the bad kf plays on my mind, like i asked him if he was looking forward to today as its our first Xmas that weve spent together as a couple, as ive been so looking forward to it for weeks and weeks, yet hr He coldly so no not really He said he just wakes up and takes each day as it is and then thinks to himself at the end of it 'did i enjoy that'? I just dont get it??? I dont understand how someone can think in that manner. It just comes across as cold and shallow especially when he knew how much today meant to me Im just at a loss. Im 43 and i just think to myself stop being so bloody fussy and shut up moaning and be grateful i have someone as i have been single for soooo long and just long to be loved so perhaps i just need to man up Edited December 26, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted December 26, 2023 Share Posted December 26, 2023 Obviously he has a drinking problem, he's probably an alcoholic. He can't "enjoy a nice drink." Drinking is like flipping a switch, you said so yourself. If you don't like being verbally abused etc. you need to let this guy go for good. Please DO NOT have him move in. He can rent a different place. I'm serious. What you are seeing now that you are newly reunited is him on his "best" behavior. It will get worse fast. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 26, 2023 Share Posted December 26, 2023 1 hour ago, cma1 said: he had some drinks again, and the old horrible nasty kf has reappeared. be grateful i have someone as i have been single for soooo long Please do not let an abusive problem drinker move in with you. Please examine why you are this lonely and desperate. And almost feel grateful for the abuse. Things have not changed. There's no bad (what is kf?) and good. He's still the same abusive alcoholic. Please get information help and support for yourself: https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/ Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 26, 2023 Share Posted December 26, 2023 Go to an Al-Anon meeting. It's a support group for people who love alcoholics. They will help you understand why you are considering putting up with his addiction. It will also help you become strong enough to say no & walk away for good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cma1 Posted December 26, 2023 Author Share Posted December 26, 2023 He woke in a fowl mood, without directly saying it was all my fault he said that I 'encouraged it' because I went and got more drinks because we had ran out, however may i add when I did this it was because we only had had a couple of beers each and I purposely hadn't bought any more thinking that would be sufficient, but at the time he was acting ok, not being bad and we were having fun, so when he said in a roundabout way that we could have done with getting more in than we did, being the people pleaser that I am I made sure I got some more to 1.make him happy and 2. Carry on having a great time as we were... yes looking back now I probably shouldn't have, however he is nearly 10 years older than me and I don't want to have to mother him and tell him what to do...? I thought it was going OK... but yeh I'm disappointed again today at his lack of taking ownership of his own behaviour and basically saying its down to me for getting more... am I right to be feeling this way? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 26, 2023 Share Posted December 26, 2023 (edited) 1 hour ago, cma1 said: I don't want to have to mother him and tell him what to do...? his lack of taking ownership of his own behaviour and basically saying its down to me for getting more. Unfortunately you have the classic alcoholic and enabler relationship. Mothering is part of that. So is supplying him with alcohol and him blaming you for his drinking. Please reflect if you want a drinking buddy or a relationship. Edited December 26, 2023 by Wiseman2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted December 26, 2023 Share Posted December 26, 2023 Do NOT have him move in with you! I’m not sure why you would go down this road. He obviously can’t handle drinking. It’s HIS problem. seriously - I would end it! this is advice from a recovering alcoholic. He will make your life miserable! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cma1 Posted December 26, 2023 Author Share Posted December 26, 2023 As a recovering alcoholic there is hope then that he could stay permanently off the booze if he makes that choice to then? Because when he's not drinking he's great and everything is fine and there are no issues Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted December 26, 2023 Share Posted December 26, 2023 Has he admitted he’s an alcoholic? what has he been doing to be sure he doesn’t start drinking again? Since he did start drinking again - you should NOT move him in! he should be doing many many things to find out why he drinks - and how to not drink again. you are taking on a LOT of baggage by seeing him again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cma1 Posted December 26, 2023 Author Share Posted December 26, 2023 He says he's not an alcoholic because he doesn't NEED a drink and can go weeks/months without one, the problem is when he does have one he doesn't know when to stop and goes to the extreme. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted December 26, 2023 Share Posted December 26, 2023 And that’s the problem. do you not see that? this will be your life if you continue… a roller coaster - never feeling safe - always wondering when the next drinking bender will be. does he work? Can he support himself? How old is he? Link to post Share on other sites
Author cma1 Posted December 26, 2023 Author Share Posted December 26, 2023 Early 50s yes he works, our main intention of moving in together was to help one another financially with the cost of living crisis and that financially it makes more sense to run the one household together than 2 separately. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 26, 2023 Share Posted December 26, 2023 Nothing has changed from 3 years ago. It was just hidden. His drinking and anger will appear again and again if you move him in with you. You should have let sleeping dogs lie. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted December 26, 2023 Share Posted December 26, 2023 Go ahead then - since you are so intent on making this happen. know that you sacrifice your safe space = home. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 26, 2023 Share Posted December 26, 2023 5 minutes ago, cma1 said: Early 50s yes he works, our main intention of moving in together was to help one another financially with the cost of living crisis and that financially it makes more sense to run the one household together than 2 separately. You can always get a renter if it's a financial move. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 26, 2023 Share Posted December 26, 2023 6 minutes ago, cma1 said: He says he's not an alcoholic because he doesn't NEED a drink and can go weeks/months without one, the problem is when he does have one he doesn't know when to stop and goes to the extreme This is why it's referred to "Alcohol Use Disorder" rather than "alcoholic". Problem drinking is precisely what you are describing. He has difficulty controlling drinking and it's affecting several areas of his life . You seem to be in denial because his moving in would help you financially. However you would Both have to cease all alcohol consumption and commit to sobriety. Please read up for some info, help and support: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/alcohol-use-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20369 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted December 26, 2023 Share Posted December 26, 2023 18 hours ago, cma1 said: The thing is we have already made the plans for him to move in with me by the end of next month. He has already given notice on his house and everything is in motion You need to cancel those plans now. It will be much, much worse to have to get out of the situation when you are already living together. 18 hours ago, cma1 said: Im just at a loss. Im 43 and i just think to myself stop being so bloody fussy and shut up moaning and be grateful i have someone as i have been single for soooo long and just long to be loved so perhaps i just need to man up No, no and NO. At 43 years old you should know that it's irresponsible and foolish to let a verbally abusive alcoholic man move in with you. Ok fine you've been single for a long time and you want someone in your life; that doesn't mean that you settle for a verbally abusive alcoholic. Do you hear yourself? It's better to be single then to be with someone dysfunctional. 17 minutes ago, cma1 said: He says he's not an alcoholic because he doesn't NEED a drink and can go weeks/months without one, Who cares that he goes weeks/months without doing this? Just because he doesn't do this all the time doesn't mean it's not a serious problem. Even if things are ok for a couple months, this will always happen again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cma1 Posted December 26, 2023 Author Share Posted December 26, 2023 Please do not think for a second that financial gain is the only reason, it is the single reason for it happening so soon, but above all else I want to be with him because I love him with all of my heart and when we broke up the first time around I never truly got over him and always thought of him often, I see us being back together again as fate and I want to help him Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted December 26, 2023 Share Posted December 26, 2023 2 minutes ago, cma1 said: I see us being back together again as fate and I want to help him You CAN'T "help" an alcoholic!! If they do not admit the problem and make the effort genuinely from themselves to change and become sober, you can't do it for them. You are going to learn this the hard way if you don't face reality. You sound determined to make some bad decisions here. It's only your life that you are messing up if you choose to do so. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted December 26, 2023 Share Posted December 26, 2023 (edited) You can’t do it for him! and since he doesn’t think it’s a problem you can only expect more of the same bad behavior. why can’t he continue being in his own place? You shouldn’t move him in! please get professional help for your codependency issues. More than that - why did you ask us if you intend to ignore advice from people who have experienced this first hand? Edited December 26, 2023 by S2B Link to post Share on other sites
Author cma1 Posted December 26, 2023 Author Share Posted December 26, 2023 I'm sorry, I didn't mean any offence I'm reaching out because I value different perspectives and I am honestly taking them all on board. I know I have code pendency issues and I am currently working with myGP on seeking further help Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted December 26, 2023 Share Posted December 26, 2023 23 minutes ago, cma1 said: I see us being back together again as fate and I want to help him When he moves into your place and starts drinking again and turns into an abusive nightmare, will that be fate too? Or will that be the outcome of moving in with someone who you already know to be abusive? Loneliness isn't an excuse for making a very foolish decision. He's just crossed a boundary and shown you that nothing has changed with him, he's still the same nasty little abuser he always was, and now he knows that you'll put up with it the same as you did before. The only person who can help him is himself. Give him the gift of a wake-up call for Christmas, tell him he'll have to find somewhere else to live. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cma1 Posted December 26, 2023 Author Share Posted December 26, 2023 I really am appreciating everybody's straight up advice, thank you to you all x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 26, 2023 Share Posted December 26, 2023 Why can't you tell him that because of the events that took place this week that you no longer feel comfortable having him move in with you? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cma1 Posted December 26, 2023 Author Share Posted December 26, 2023 That does sounds like a good way to discuss matters going forward doesn't it Link to post Share on other sites
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