Ugh. my life lol

[Timjag]

Oh boy

So I have quite a high profile job with a very specialist skill set, a younger staff member ask me if she could learn from me in her spare time, I mentor people a lot and enjoy it I’m (male) 48 she 28. Well it was all going fine and dandy till one day she smelt amazing and I fell for her (sheesh) before that I didn’t have any feelings for her, but the smell, and it wasn’t perfume/deodorant it was something far more primitive. It was like getting hit over the head or a lightning bolt.

 

So what did I do? Well… nothing. I’m a very responsible adult. She’s 20 years younger than me, I’m in a position of responsibility above her, we worked together. I don’t actually have time for a relationship even if she wasn’t younger than some of my t-shirts

We clearly have a connection, she keeps bringing me food we talk all the time it’s nice you know..?

 

she’s asks me to stop by her new work at Christmas so I do, she’s there with some dude, this is my new boyfriend she says. I’m relieved in a way, great he her own age. Whatever

 

then she sends me a message saying let’s meet up for late food, very flirty and needy. Man I don’t know what to do. If I say “yeah kiddo ya got me” to her she’s probably gunna get weirded out and I’m gunna look like the dirty old man, possibly…? 
 

if we didn’t work together, if she’s been 5 years older I’d have asked her out. But now I’m feeling like a schmuck

I guess I’m writing this down to get it out of my system, I know all the should and shouldn’t about such things. I know that the imaginary saints are looking down and saying “you did the right thing 😇”

 

but damn do I want to [sleep with her............] Lol! I mean I…could… seducer her….? I mean I could…. But I’ve been here before, I caused all sorts of hell to break out from a not too dissimilar situation many years ago, when I was younger and more selfish.
 

LOL 

Edited December 25, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, Timjag said:

She's asks me to stop by her new work at Christmas so I do, she’s there with some dude, this is my new boyfriend she says. I’m relieved in a way, great he her own age. 

It's great she introduced you to her BF. Hopefully that will set appropriate boundaries. Are you in a relationship or seeing anyone? Perhaps it's time to find someone single available and interested?

[Timjag]

*I’m probably making too light of this I’m pretty depressed about it, wanted some other folks opinions  

[Foxhall]

1 hour ago, Timjag said:

So I have quite a high profile job with a very specialist skill set, a younger staff member ask me if she could learn from me in her spare time, I mentor people a lot and enjoy it I’m (male) 48 she 28. Well it was all going fine and dandy till one day she smelt amazing and I fell for her (sheesh) before that I didn’t have any feelings for her, but the smell, and it wasn’t perfume/deodorant it was something far more primitive. It was like getting hit over the head or a lightning bolt.

 

Id probably say make the most of this situation while you still can,

From your post your not married or anything, so why not- dont look a gift horse in the mouth.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Timjag said:

 I’m in a position of responsibility above her, we worked together. I don’t actually have time for a relationship 

It's seems like you have it under control and are keeping it professional. 

[Timjag]

Yeah, as much as it pains me (and it really does I’ve had a lot of misery in my life lately, financial, death of my pops, unstable living atm, bunch of other grim stuff life and death stuff… this really got the adolescent “it’s not fair” thing going inside me)  it’s the right thing to do, women do not need drooly older guys affecting there work it’s extremely depressing part of working life that women have to put up with that s*** at the best of times, I’ll get over it 

[Timjag]

27 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

Id probably say make the most of this situation while you still can,

From your post your not married or anything, so why not- dont look a gift horse in the mouth.

Aw man this like having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. Lol.

 

 

Edited December 25, 2023 by Timjag

[Foxhall]

Yes, well most people in real life would say (I think) that I am a nice guy, however there is the devil in me especially for the type of situation you describe,

I will not encourage you any further though- clearly there are a few risks

 

[Timjag]

7 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

Yes, well most people in real life would say (I think) that I am a nice guy, however there is the devil in me especially for the type of situation you describe,

 

 

I’m a sucker for situations such as these. Lol. 
 

*I will not encourage you any further though- clearly there are a few risks*

 

awww darn just as I was getting all het up

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, Timjag said:

 I’ve had a lot of misery in my life lately, financial, death of my pops, unstable living atm, bunch of other grim stuff life and death stuff… 

Sorry this is happening. Please reach out to friends, family and health professionals for support. Unfortunately being around titillating nubile pheromones isn't going to solve these problems, even if it's a temporary distraction. 

[Timjag]

Oh I didn’t think it would be a fix, I’ve had too much time in recovery to not know what my brain is up to!

 

it’s was just a bunch of self pity really, it’s actually helping to laugh about it here

[Alpacalia]

You're taking her friendliness and normal colleague interactions, and interpreting them as "flirty." This is a common mistake people make when they're sexually or physically attracted to someone - they read too much into simple interactions, assuming that the attraction is mutual. And sometimes, sure, it is - but often, it is not. It sounds like you have a lot of awareness around the potential problems with pursuing a relationship with this coworker. To protect your professional reputation and maintain boundaries, it's generally recommended to avoid romantic or sexual relationships with colleagues, especially if they are in a subordinate position or significantly younger than you.

You need to resist these thoughts and temptations and continue to be a responsible adult. You have a high profile job and a specialist skill set, which means others are looking up to you and counting on you for guidance and professionalism.

What you are feeling is natural, but it is just a physical attraction and nothing more.

[MsJayne]

If there was no professional connection I'd say go ahead and scratch that itch as long as she's genuinely giving you the come-on and it's not just you misinterpreting female attention, but as you're work colleagues and she's so much younger I'd be very careful, the flirty young chick batting her eyelashes at you and jiggling her boobies in your face will be the same young chick who reports you if things don't go her way. Also, if she was interested it's unlikely she would introduce you to her boyfriend . 

[Timjag]

I’ve decided that I’m actual mental and bad for women anyway, so I’m giving up on the whole idea. This was where I stood with myself before I got that connected feeling, I do think she likes me in that way but our age gap is crazy wide. Apparently she’s seeing this guy because her friend thinks it’s good for her. Whatever. However bad he is he won’t be as bad for her as I am.

The one thing I will say is this. When we connect with each other. Ie we click, it’s something magical whether it becomes romantic or the beginning of a deep friendship, it’s not to be dismissed or explained away, it’s the thing that makes us human and it’s a glimps of the godstuff within us all. There are miles of word written on attraction and love but none of them will properly explain what it is, in fact it’s often pushed away and belittled by relationship guides.

to truly read it you need to turn to the great works of fiction and poetry eg Flaubert and Rimbaud and then you might get closer.

even if your connection lasts one night in a bar, or a vacation, do not dismiss it, it changed you 

 

take care folks  

 

[Alpacalia]

I feel ya. I've felt that before, it certainly changed my life at the time too. Maybe one day your connection will lead to something more and the age gap can be ignored. But if you're saying that you're no good for yourself or anyone else then you gotta keep searching for what is right for you. Have patience little grasshopper, and it will come.

[Timjag]

It won’t. That’s why I’m a Buddhist. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Timjag said:

. Apparently she’s seeing this guy because her friend thinks it’s good for her. Whatever.However bad he is he won’t be as bad for her as I am.

It's great you can recognize she is not flirting with you whatsoever and acting completely appropriately given her position.

It's also great you recognize this is an unrequited crush, maybe midlife crisis, maybe loneliness, etc.

The important thing is that you're not acting on it, have insight and the wherewithall not to ruin your career or make a fool of yourself. 

[Alpacalia]

27 minutes ago, Timjag said:

It won’t. That’s why I’m a Buddhist. 

That's why you've chosen to be Buddhist? So this woman just wants to be friends with you and really likes talking to you as a mentor & acquaintance, correct? So nothing really wrong with that. But the signals she is giving you is messing you up. And you have to remember you are older and a much different space then she is in her life. Maybe she has a good relationship with her Boyfriend.

Edited December 27, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Mercedes7]

I think she is aware you are attracted to her and probably on some level enjoys the power this gives her, knowing she is able to impact someone over her at work this way.  Women are aware (generally) when they have this kind of impact / power over a particular man. But as noted above, it is amazing how often men perceive the attraction as mutual because of their own bias. 

Agree with MsJayne....the work aspect makes even this 'friendship' very problematic.   I would distance myself from her at this point even as a 'friend'.

 

 

 

 

 

[basil67]

3 hours ago, Timjag said:

The one thing I will say is this. When we connect with each other. Ie we click, it’s something magical whether it becomes romantic or the beginning of a deep friendship, it’s not to be dismissed or explained away, it’s the thing that makes us human and it’s a glimps of the godstuff within us all. There are miles of word written on attraction and love but none of them will properly explain what it is, in fact it’s often pushed away and belittled by relationship guides.

Back in the 80's one of my supervisors (a man who did not appeal to me) wore an aftershave which made me swoon. It was very confusing having my brain know that I wasn't attracted and yet I was horny.  He didn't wear it the next day and it all went back to normal. 

It's not magic, it's just scent.  Your connection isn't real.  It's just the work of good perfumery

 

[Timjag]

That’s just dumb, she uses dove I know the smell it wasn’t that. Anyway she’s been in touch again asking to meet her for late night food… hmmm she’s left our place so she doesn’t work for our company anymore…

21 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

That's why you've chosen to be Buddhist? So this woman just wants to be friends with you and really likes talking to you as a mentor & acquaintance, correct? So nothing really wrong with that. But the signals she is giving you is messing you up. And you have to remember you are older and a much different space then she is in her life. Maybe she has a good relationship with her Boyfriend.

No that’s not the reason but my inability to have a good relationship is why I am a Buddhist, 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Timjag said:

 she’s been in touch again asking to meet her for late night food… hmmm she’s left our place so she doesn’t work for our company anymore…

She has a BF, no?

[Wiseman2]

On 12/25/2023 at 6:38 PM, Timjag said:

Yeah, as much as it pains me (and it really does I’ve had a lot of misery in my life lately, financial, death of my pops, unstable living atm, bunch of other grim stuff life and death stuff… this really got the adolescent “it’s not fair” thing going inside me)  it’s the right thing to do, women do not need drooly older guys affecting there work it’s extremely depressing part of working life that women have to put up with that s*** at the best of times, I’ll get over it 

It's not that uncommon. Please see if this helps:

https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/what-is-unrequited-love

[Alpacalia]

19 hours ago, Timjag said:

No that’s not the reason but my inability to have a good relationship is why I am a Buddhist, 

Ah, I see. So instead of swiping right, you chose to swipe inwards and find inner peace and enlightenment. Not a bad choice, my friend. Zen is the new Tinder.

[basil67]

22 hours ago, Timjag said:

That’s just dumb, she uses dove I know the smell it wasn’t that

You do know that women can start wearing perfume right?   I go through stages where I don't wear it for quite some time and then start again.