Yung Kyoo Posted December 23, 2023 Share Posted December 23, 2023 I am currently in a relationship with my girlfriend that has a baby almost 6 months old. Right off the bat I set a boundary that what she and her ex discuss isn't my business and that I am available to talk about anything she has concerns or wants input on. The ex is wanting to get back with her due to the child that they have but they broke up because he was caught cheating and has hurt her in multiple ways. She told me she is done with him but because of the child they co parent in her room with a single bed. She swears nothing is going on and trust her when she says that but I can't help but not trust the ex not to pull anything. I figure its normal for someone in this situation to feel jealous/anxious or concerned, I've been silently dealing with this. I care for my girlfriend deeply and I trust her just not the ex. I know co parenting is good for the baby but does it have to include sleeping in the same bed? as cold as it sounds If I was her I would have the ex sleep on the floor or on an air mattress or do that myself. Am I overreacting? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted December 23, 2023 Share Posted December 23, 2023 If this is her living situation, you should not consider her to be single. You can do so much better than this! Tell her that you're not interested in dating someone who's still sleeping in the same bed as her ex. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 23, 2023 Share Posted December 23, 2023 (edited) 4 hours ago, Yung Kyoo said: . I know co parenting is good for the baby but does it have to include sleeping in the same bed? How did you meet? How old is she? Are they married or just living together? Acting as a couple living together as a family and sleeping together is not "coparenting". It's living as a family unit. He's not her ex if they are living together as a family and sleeping together as a couple. She is not ready to date and it seems more like she's cheating on him. Step far away from the situation. Edited December 23, 2023 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted December 23, 2023 Share Posted December 23, 2023 Mind blows me that men would beleive stories like this. Please move on and let them figure out their couple's problems. * Don't date recently single women * Don't date women still living with ex 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 23, 2023 Share Posted December 23, 2023 7 hours ago, Yung Kyoo said: She told me she is done with him but because of the child they co parent in her room with a single bed. Why are you dating a woman with a six month old baby who is still sleeping in the same bed as the child’s father? Seriously. As my mother would say, “give your head a shake.” You don’t want to start a relationship with this woman - she has got a whole lot to sort out in her life before she is ready to be in a relationship with another man… like buying her own bed. Finding her own home. Developing a custody schedule. Among many other things… Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 23, 2023 Share Posted December 23, 2023 7 hours ago, Yung Kyoo said: they co parent in her room with a single bed. Wait, what? What kind of "co-parenting" model is this? OP, come on, man. That's not co-parenting and you know it. Please don't be willfully blind to the very obvious here. She is playing you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Yung Kyoo Posted December 23, 2023 Author Share Posted December 23, 2023 I need to elaborate that they do not live together and the ex goes to college, but when he comes to visit his daughter he stays at her house with her mother. the co parenting is only when he is in town and since its the holidays its so far everyday. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 23, 2023 Share Posted December 23, 2023 2 minutes ago, Yung Kyoo said: when he comes to visit his daughter he stays at her house with her mother. They do not have another bed where he can sleep? Or a sofa? Or the floor? Or he can not stay with his parent? Or a friend? Or at a motel? Really - the only place for him to sleep is with his ex, the mother of his child - your new girlfriend? I don’t think so… Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 23, 2023 Share Posted December 23, 2023 Co parenting should be him having set times to pick up his baby and take him/her for visitation time. Not staying over sleeping in the same bed. 2 adults in the bed with a little baby is dangerous anyway. If she broke up with her ex due to his cheating she still may have feelings for him too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Yung Kyoo Posted December 23, 2023 Author Share Posted December 23, 2023 I have been doing google searches and it seems there is 2 ways to co parent an infant at night, either have the baby in a crib next to them or in the bed but I think in the bed is more dangerous so I assume its a crib beside the bed. bottom line its called rooming in or room sharing with mix results on baby sleep. I am with you on the hotel or other bed or somewhere else besides, beside my girlfriend. I just don't know what I am supposed to do since I believe nothing is going on and I don't trust the baby father because she has told me when they talk he is always trying to get back with her. I realize if I was to stay i have to deal with him for at least 18 years with no parental rights to the child. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Yung Kyoo Posted December 23, 2023 Author Share Posted December 23, 2023 I'm just thankful the baby is 6 months so I can suggest her to go to the doctor to see if the doctor will say you don't need to rooming in or room share with the baby anymore. Then if it still continues after she is told its no longer needed, I have my answer. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 23, 2023 Share Posted December 23, 2023 (edited) 11 minutes ago, Yung Kyoo said: it seems there is 2 ways to co parent an infant at night, either have the baby in a crib next to them or in the bed but I think in the bed is more dangerous so I assume its a crib beside the bed. That’s not coparenting - that’s called cosleeping. This sounds to me like her boyfriend has gone away to college. She has found a companion while her boyfriend is away - convenient for her that you are not too concerned when he comes home to visit for the holidays. 11 minutes ago, Yung Kyoo said: I just don't know what I am supposed to do since I believe nothing is going on You can’t be serious… Edited December 23, 2023 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted December 23, 2023 Share Posted December 23, 2023 It sounds like she’s cheating on him with you, OP. She’s still with her ex. I don’t think the baby even realizes whether one parent isn’t there. I don’t remember which parent picked me up or was around me more when I was 6 months old. Do you? Absolutely ridiculous that they need to be in the same room. Good coparenting is when a truly separated couple makes sound decisions over the child’s well-being. Their situation sounds chaotic and makes no sense at all. Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted December 23, 2023 Share Posted December 23, 2023 You can't possibly be serious. This woman is still basically with her ex. She only had a baby with him 6 months ago, they have a relationship that can't be cut off because they are parents to this infant together. It's bizarre that you would want to get involved in this messy and complicated situation. Your time would better be spent finding a woman to date who is actually single and available, and not tied down with all this baggage. 1 hour ago, Yung Kyoo said: I'm just thankful the baby is 6 months so I can suggest her to go to the doctor to see if the doctor will say you don't need to rooming in or room share with the baby anymore. Then if it still continues after she is told its no longer needed, I have my answer. Don't waste your time, this has absolutely nothing to do with it. It's not about going to the doctor and asking the doctor if the baby needs its parents co-sleeping with it. I'll save you the trouble: co-sleeping is NEVER recommended by pediatricians, it increases the risk of SIDS. All infants can sleep in their own crib. That's what any legitimate doctor would say. So the situation has absolutely nothing to do with that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 23, 2023 Share Posted December 23, 2023 2 hours ago, Yung Kyoo said: I'm just thankful the baby is 6 months so I can suggest her to go to the doctor to see if the doctor will say you don't need to rooming in or room share with the baby anymore. How they function as a couple and parents is their business. Even if he is out of town for studies,they are still parents acting like a couple. Please step back and reconsider the relationship rather than trying to rearrange 3 lives to suit your wishes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted December 23, 2023 Share Posted December 23, 2023 Run run run….far away from this for too many reasons to list here 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 24, 2023 Share Posted December 24, 2023 (edited) Co-parenting means making decisions about the child together; splitting the costs & having equal time with the child. It does not mean spending time with the child together except for a few minutes at the exchanges. Alone in her room with a single bed is not co-parenting but it may be trying for child # 2. What you describe is co-sleeping. You don't have a relationship. You are being made a fool of. Sounds like he went off to college & left them. If he's around you don't count. Edited December 24, 2023 by d0nnivain Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted December 25, 2023 Share Posted December 25, 2023 OP, let's go with your belief that she's not cheating on you. Even in that scenario, the appropriate boundaries don't exist between her and her ex. Also, if the baby is only 6 months old, how much time could have elapsed since their breakup? Surely, she hasn't had the time to put sufficient distance between herself and the relationship, to deal with the hurt, to get to the point where she has healed. And then she's now having to come to terms with the responsibilities and realities of being a mother and figuring out how to have a healthy relationship with the child's father. At exactly what point does she have the time, energy and emotions to invest in a relationship with a completely different man whom she presumably didn't know well beforehand? She may have the best intentions in the world when she says she will not cheat, but she has already made and is continuing to make a series of bad decisions. Right now, her priorities need to be her child and herself. She should set appropriate boundaries between herself and her ex and she really should break up with you. I do not think she has the bandwidth for a committed relationship with anyone at this point in her life. She could, perhaps, manage a casual relationship or a platonic friendship. But she's not going to be ready for a committed relationship until she gets her house in order and enough time has elapsed for her to heal and to establish a stable situation for herself and her child. --- And now let's talk about you. You sound like someone who's looking to settle down in a long-term committed relationship and start a family. Believe me when I say that can only work if the other person has a similar desire and you both have the capacity to invest time, energy, emotions and resources in each other. This woman's capacity to do all of this is currently severely limited, so your relationship is going to be an unequal one, with you putting more into it than you're getting out of it. Don't you think you deserve more than that? I may not know you, but I think you do. I think you deserve to be with someone who creates room in her life for you and who doesn't put you in the position of having to ask her to change the way she deals with her ex. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 25, 2023 Share Posted December 25, 2023 On 12/23/2023 at 4:16 PM, Yung Kyoo said: I'm just thankful the baby is 6 months so I can suggest her to go to the doctor to see if the doctor will say you don't need to rooming in or room share with the baby anymore. T No, no, no. You don't get a say in how she parents her child. You're a new boyfriend and this baby is not yours. If you don't like what's going on, you break up with her. You don't over-step a boundary by trying to involve doctors. On 12/23/2023 at 4:10 PM, Yung Kyoo said: I believe nothing is going on You are being very naive and you are going to get hurt. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Yung Kyoo Posted December 25, 2023 Author Share Posted December 25, 2023 (edited) Sorry all due to the holidays it took me longer to get back to this post. I was supportive of the baby daddy till I wasn't... when I found out later that he didn't want the child in the first place he became absent since the pregnancy. I've been nothing but supportive about their relationship, to the point that i would tell her that its good for the baby not to have a broken home and yet she tells me they are over and she is through with him using the word, indifferent when addressing him. Both thieir families know about me and his parents support my relationship with her. The mom and dad are ashamed of their son saying that they didn't raise him to be pro abortion, they are extremely religious. Edited December 25, 2023 by Yung Kyoo Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 25, 2023 Share Posted December 25, 2023 You are way too involved in another families drama. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 25, 2023 Share Posted December 25, 2023 You can make all the excuses for her (and him) that you want, OP. It doesn't change the bottom line, which is that this woman you are involved with can't offer you a normal, healthy relationship. It would be foolish of you to believe otherwise and continue with this. It won't end well for you, but I suspect you will insist on learning this the hard way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted December 26, 2023 Share Posted December 26, 2023 11 hours ago, Yung Kyoo said: i would tell her that its good for the baby not to have a broken home and yet she tells me they are over and she is through with him using the word, indifferent when addressing him. She has a six month old baby with the guy, she cannot be over and done with him. Her life is closely intertwined with the guy whether she admits it or not. Why would you even want to try to have a relationship with someone who has this messy situation? You are truly kidding yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 26, 2023 Share Posted December 26, 2023 (edited) 12 hours ago, Yung Kyoo said: he didn't want the child in the first place he became absent since the pregnancy. His parents religiosity is irrelevant. This woman you're seeing and her BF still sleep together as a couple with their newborn. Edited December 26, 2023 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 26, 2023 Share Posted December 26, 2023 12 hours ago, Yung Kyoo said: he didn't want the child in the first place he became absent since the pregnancy. i would tell her that its good for the baby not to have a broken home Hopefully you realize the father has to pay child support whether he decides to have visitation rights or not. They are acting like a couple. It's unclear exactly what your role is in their family. Link to post Share on other sites
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