What does he mean and what should I do?

[xbelieve]

Hello, I am having a lot of trouble to understand what people really mean especially in the dating area. I am hoping some of you could help me understand so I can decide what I should do. Sorry if my story is quite long.

So a while ago I (F) had a party at work (100+ people) and at the end of the evening I have kissed with one of my direct co workers (M) after spending the whole night together laughing and talking. I also invited him to stay over and sleep on my coach (legit) because he had to walk far when going with public transport. He declined and told me it was not a good idea to come with me and that he liked me enough to first drink coffee. The next day he invited me for coffee the following day. In the mean time there have been some text messages but not many. These text messages had kisses and shy smiley faces in them.

We met at his house to have drinks (non alcoholic). I stayed there for 4 hours and we also kissed. During kissing he called me beautiful and smiled a lot. When kissing we eventually laid down on the couch. I used a joke to get off of him and just talk further since I am not interested in sex so soon. We also talked about us not being interested in one night stands or emotionless sex. He even said he had a period he thought he might have not been interested in sex (asexual) at all. This was all during a good conversation. He even said he might wants to do other work in a few months and made some comments/jokes about couples which he ended by saying ''these are things you shouldn't say so soon''.

Somewhere in the middle of the meet up things just changed. This was after all of the above. We just talked but he barely looked at me. The conversation was very one-sided he was only talking about himself and (for me) not in a nice way. He basicly only said things that would turn somebody off by telling them this kind of stuff on a first date but said he just wanted me to have a honest and clear picture about him. He also made a comment about his ex being smoking hot (like a 9) and that he still doesnt understand what she wanted with someone like him (like a 6). He also told me that I am not his type (looks). I joked a few times that it looked like he wanted me to leave as soon as possible and he joked that most people already would have ran away by now.

During this awkward one-sided 'conversation' we also talked about when to leave. He looked at the time and said half an hour or something. Yet we stayed together for an hour and a half.

At the end we walked towards our cars (he was going somewhere else) and his car was one stair further down. He just stopped at the stairs on my floor and said ''I have to go one more down''. I actually figured he would walk me to his car. After that he hugged me and said see you on monday. We then awkwardly stared into each others eyes untill someone came in the garage. He then said ''I am not a public guy'' and left.

After the meet up I had a strange feeling and didnt know what to think. Later that day I asked him if he had done the thing he would do that night. We didnt really talk much after. Two days later I asked him to come drink something at my place and he replied that he would like that but he felt like I was having more feelings for him than he had for me since his feelings weren't mucht yet. He also said it could still happen but he just wanted to be honest. I replied that I didnt know where his response was coming from and that it was not the case. I also asked him if it was a polite way of rejecting me. He answered ''oh I am sorry I misunderstood shall we leave it at this for now?''. Since we are coworkers I asked what he meant and said his rejection was too subtle for me (if it was). He then replied he might have been more clear and that at this moment he only wants to drink something as friends but that he would understand if I wanted to keep things more professional. I said to him that that was not the case, that I had fun and really wanted to go for drinks as friends. After that he just made a stupid joke off topic which I didnt really reply to because I thought it was a bit weird. He also said he was punished for his clumsy choice of words and had a stomach ache. I wished him good luck with that. A few hours later I asked him if the stomach ache was going better and I made a stupid joke related to his. He replied the next day saying ''haha''.

At work nothing has changed, before everything we didn't really speak at work and we still don't. Side note: we work from home most days. The only day we go to the office he didn't show.

Can someone please help me explain what he meant and what I should do next? I am not in love or having many feelings I am just interested in seeing if we are compatible. Being friends is also on my list (most of my friends are male). I just don't want to be the idiot that texts him or invites him as a friend while he might just tried to be polite.

[stillafool]

He was making it more than clear to you that he is not interested in a romantic relationship with you.  What you should do next is nothing.  He's not interested.

[NuevoYorko]

Please be ready to accept that a great many interactions you have with men will go nowhere.  There won't be anything to decipher or understand - they just - went nowhere.  

I think you only actually had one on one dealings with this fellow two times.  Nothing came of it.  His behavior was crystal clear that he doesn't want to pursue anything.

You will be doing yourself a great service if you learn to just cut your losses and move on when it's obvious that the other person is not interested, even if you are.  Don't be looking for hidden clues.  There won't be any.

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, xbelieve said:

 Two days later I asked him to come drink something at my place and he replied that he would like that but he felt like I was having more feelings for him than he had for me since his feelings weren't mucht yet. 

Sorry this happened. It seems like he would have hooked up but doesn't want a relationship or anything else. Be glad he was straight forward about that rather than stringing you along. 

He's not interested in what you're interested in. Please be polite and professional at work and respect coworkers boundaries.

Please avoid him and delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. That will help you move forward and refocus on men who are interested in dating you and who you don't work with. 

Edited December 22, 2023 by Wiseman2

[basil67]

2 hours ago, xbelieve said:

Somewhere in the middle of the meet up things just changed. This was after all of the above. We just talked but he barely looked at me. The conversation was very one-sided he was only talking about himself and (for me) not in a nice way. He basicly only said things that would turn somebody off by telling them this kind of stuff on a first date but said he just wanted me to have a honest and clear picture about him. He also made a comment about his ex being smoking hot (like a 9) and that he still doesnt understand what she wanted with someone like him (like a 6). He also told me that I am not his type (looks). I joked a few times that it looked like he wanted me to leave as soon as possible and he joked that most people already would have ran away by now.

And after this, you're still interested?   @xbelieve you really need to raise your standards

[Alpacalia]

Both of you sound incredibly awkward around each other and he sounds odd but also I think he is trying to put you nicely in the friend zone.

Edited December 23, 2023 by Alpacalia

[ShyViolet]

I don't know how you could possibly think you still have a chance with this guy.  He's not interested in you and he was pretty clear about that.  There's nothing you need to do.... move on.