My girlfriend says she is depressed and has become very distant and is shutting down on me. I feel angry and don't know what to do.

[justaguy12345]

A little backstory: We met on facebook 9+ months ago - she lives in a different country (we are both from that country, but I don't live there.) Her family are friends/neigbors of some family I have back home, and that is how we came to know each other at first and start talking. (We both had mutual friends of some of my cousins on Facebook.)

After about 5 months of talking online, which by the way - we completely connected right away online and everything was really great. Probably the happiest and most healthy relationship I had ever been in. I flew back home to meet her in the summer. I was there 2 weeks, we met and it was incredible. There was no awkwardness of the first time meeting each other. Straight way that night it's like we picked up where we left off through texts and calls and immediately clicked together in person. We really made a deeper connection and both agreed to continue the relationship long-distance when it was my time to leave. 

It's been about 3-1/2 months since, and for the first 2 months since returning, things were still great. We were in constant communication, talking on facetime, texting, playing games together, sending each other pictures - all the things that I think you need to make the long-distance thing work. 

Sooo, starting about 1-1/2 months ago - she told me that she got some bad news that her mom has been diagnosed with cancer, and that she is going to need chemotherapy treatment. She is very close with her mom, and another thing about her is that she actually had lost her dad  as well the year before, before we had known eachother. 

Because of this, she told me she was feeling very down and that she may be feeling depressed. Well, it's been 1-1/2 months since and the change in her is very noticeable. She has become extremely distant from me. I've tried everything to let her know that I am there for her, and that she should talk to me and that I want to help her through whatever she is dealing with. But she refuses to open up. She won't communicate, she barely even texts me anymore. When I text her, I get short responses and often takes her 1-3 hours to respond. She hasn't so much as called me on the phone not one time in the last 2 months. Every conversation feels transactional. Now it's gotten to the point where even calling her - she doesn't answer and tells me the next day that she was sleeping. 

I've become worried because it feels like what was a very healthy relationship is suddenly turning into a very unhealthy one. A couple of weeks ago we talked about this, and she asked if I was upset with her and I explained that I can't understand why she won't talk to me, why she is being so distant - and she basically told me that it has nothing to do with me, that if she had a problem with me she would tell me. She says it's just with everything in her life, she has become cold and distant. 

I don't know what to believe anymore. My mind is thinking a million things - on the one hand I want to have empathy for her and believe her that this is just something that she has to go through and I should support her the best I can. On the other hand I'm wondering if maybe she is manipulating me and looking for a way to end the relationship. I even thought if it's possible that she is cheating on me, and I hate this kind of thinking because it makes it very easy to self-sabotage a relationship this way. But I don't know what to do anymore. I'm losing my patience and my frustration is growing by the day. How should I best approach this? 

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, justaguy12345 said:

 -she lives in a different country.  After about 5 months of talking  I flew back home to meet her.  about 1-1/2 months ago - she told me that she got some bad news that her mom has been diagnosed with cancer, and that she is going to need chemotherapy treatment. 

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately distance relationships can be lonely isolating and frustrating.  In this case she needs to attend to her mother and whatever stress is going on with that. 

Sadly there's nothing you can do because she just doesn't seem to have the time or presence of mind at the moment to invest in a distance situation. 

[NuevoYorko]

Please try not to express your anger and frustration at her.   She has a lot on her plate emotionally with the loss of her father, and  potentially life threatening illness of her mother.   I think it's quite self absorbed of you to spin this to be about her possibly trying to manipulate you for some reason.  I mean ... like she is making up the death of her dad and the illness? 

I doubt that she has anything to offer to you in the "romantic" sense at this time.   She would need support without any strings attached and you can't offer that.

 

[Acacia98]

If you genuinely care about her, see if you can help direct her to someone who is qualified to help her: a mental health professional. Also, see if you can find out from your relatives and her other friends if there are other ways in which she can be supported. She's struggling and needs help.

Beyond that, she clearly doesn't have the energy to keep the relationship going. That's perfectly understandable. She's just trying to keep her head above water. So if she's not comfortable leaning on you and you find it frustrating keeping things going, let the relationship fizzle out.

[BaileyB]

I will just share, when my mom was diagnosed with cancer and going through treatment, it felt like a dark cloud had cast a shadow over my life. The world became a really lonely and sad place. Nothing else mattered - I would meet people on the street who would ask kindly “How are you doing? What’s new?” and I wanted to respond, “My mom is dying. Nothing else matters.” I withdrew from friends and work to be with my family. I was emotionally exhausted. I don’t know that I would have had the energy to keep a relationship going at the time. I suspect that she just does not have the time or the energy to do anything more than she is doing. My mom passed away six months to the day of her diagnosis, and it was over a year before I even considered dating again. 

The kindest thing you could do for her right now is to give her some time and some space. Let her know that you are there for her, but don’t put any more demands on her at this time… if you do, she is likely to walk away. 
 

Edited December 21, 2023 by BaileyB

[d0nnivain]

You may love her but she has too much going on to deal with some long distance BF.  Her mother is dying & you are in a different country. She can't cope.  You asking anything of her at this point is too much.  She knows how to get in touch with you & if she wanted you she'd reach out.  She isn't reaching out because she's barely holding it together & doesn't even have the energy to vent / cry.  It may be that she's hold back a dam.  

Unless you can actually move back to her country & physically do things like laundry, cook food etc. there is nothing you can do from afar.  Even if you could move back if she doesn't want you there you can't intrude on her family in their time of crisis.  A couple of chats & two months of fantasy fun doesn't make you family, helpful or welcome right now. 

Yes, what I just said is harsh but you need some cold truths to better understand where you fit in her world right now -- & that is on the outside.  Sorry.  

[ExpatInItaly]

She isn't able to have a relationship at this time, OP. That much is very clear. 

It's time for you to back off graciouosly and let her go. She's got much bigger things to worry about right now. This is not about you, so don't make it about you. I know you're disappointed but you can't do anything for her and you can't change this. 

 

[glows]

I think the first thing that stood out to me is your presumption that you can “help” her. It’s spoken like a person who has never seen cancer or terminal illness firsthand. There is nothing you can do to help. You wanting more out of the relationship and acting frustrated is you being a burden and selfish. I get this sucks for you but a ldr is the last thing anyone needs or wants because you’re just not around. You can’t give her a hug. You can’t see if she’s eating well or bring her food. You’re not there to just sit with her in the silence if she can’t talk. You want her to talk and in times like this talking is the LAST thing someone grieving wants to do. 

That you suspect her of possibly cheating really drives home the idea of how little you understand what’s happening and if she is aware you suspect of her of that or it’s even slipped out from you I’m not surprised if she’s irritated with you and doesn’t want to be near you. I’m very sorry you’re on the receiving end of this and way out as an outsider in another country. The honeymoon bubble popped and this is real life. It doesn’t get more real than this facing death. 
 

Edited December 23, 2023 by glows

[ShyViolet]

On 12/20/2023 at 7:50 PM, justaguy12345 said:

I've become worried because it feels like what was a very healthy relationship is suddenly turning into a very unhealthy one.

It's not an "unhealthy" relationship, it's a relationship that's over.  She just doesn't have the mental clarity to be honest with you and properly break up with you.  But she is obviously not in a place where she can be in a relationship and meet your needs.  Don't waste your energy being angry, there is no point to that.  You can't force her to be the happy, loving person that she was before.  This relationship is over so just face reality and let her go.