5 year relationship in trouble

[tjpal641]

 

So I have been in a 5 year relationship. Me I'm 35 my gf is 38. I live alone and she lives with her parents. We both suffer from extreme anxiety and depression issues. I personally don't have any friends and not much of a family. So she's really all I have and I depend on her for my mental well being. Which I know isn't healthy I'm working on that. She is very family oriented and has some friends but mostly just hangs out with me or her family. I haven't been involved much with her family due to social anxiety and it has taken its toll on our relationship. Her parents aren't very fond of me due to my lack of participation in there lives. I have been wanting to get a place with her for a long time and when brought up she tends to get very stressed. Recently I found out she found a place moved in and kept it a secret from me. Her reasoning for keeping it a secret from me was she was afraid I would be upset because of how bad she knew I wanted it. Her reason for not finding a place with me was due to my lack of interest in participating in family events. For information sake her family are very kind and I never had anything against them I just tend to be very nervous in social situations and can be very awkward. To help try and repair things I separately spoke to her father and mother and apologized for my absence and explained why. I recently been making a bigger effort to be more involved and she seems to be responding very positively. Where I have question is when she moved I asked her what I could change in order to better the relationship and she gave me a list of things. When she asked me I honestly couldn't think of anything I wanted to change about her. Not saying she's perfect there's a qualities I dont like but I do at the same time cause that's who she is. So in a way she is perfect cause that's who I love. My question is should I change who I am in order to help the relationship or am I looking at it wrong that it's not changing it's imporving myself. 

Thank you

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, tjpal641 said:

 Her reasoning for keeping it a secret from me was she was afraid I would be upset because of how bad she knew I wanted it. Her reason for not finding a place with me was due to my lack of interest in participating in family events. 

Yes unfortunately agree, she's tiptoeing out of the relationship because she thinks you're incompatible but too fragile to tell you honestly that she doesn't want to live together.

Focus on your own wellbeing and mental and physical health.  

[ShyViolet]

Your relationship is on extremely shaky ground if she moved to a whole different address and kept it a secret from you.  If your mental health is this fragile, what are you doing to work on it?  Are you in therapy?

[giotto]

Are you two still acting as boyfriend-girlfriend? If you think she is right about the things you need to improve on, then do that. It seems to me that she thinks you are not ready to share a house/flat together. That said, she should have been upfront with you about getting a place for herself. Not a great way to go about it.

[basil67]

9 hours ago, tjpal641 said:

My question is should I change who I am in order to help the relationship or am I looking at it wrong that it's not changing it's imporving myself. 

I think we owe it to ourselves and our partner to be the best person we can be.  

Are you both seeing psychiatrists for your extreme anxiety and depression?

[tjpal641]

So yes we are still together and she is currently on medication and seeing a doctor. I am just on medication but am also currently looking to speak to someone. She says she can't see herself with someone who doesn't participate as much with her family. Which I completely understand which is why I'm working to make things right and be more participant.

[Els]

How much participation is she expecting from you with her family, and how much are you doing?

[tjpal641]

I would say be with her family at least once or twice a week. I would say I spend at this point in the relationship 50/50 alone and with her and her family.

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry but if you have been together for 5 years & she moved then lied to you about where she lives & with whom, knowing you wanted to live together, that is a HUGE red flag.   How could you ever trust that anything she says is true after that?