My boyfriend's actions don't match his words?

[Tazscoot]

Can't believe I'm resorting to posting on a forum about this, but I don't know who else to turn to and I'm just at such a dead end. I need some 2nd opinions on whether I really am the issue here and I do apologise if it's scatter-brained and long, I'm not in the best head space right now 😪

My boyfriend (31M) and I (25F) have been together for almost 7 years. I love him to bits and he says he does too, but we have had some rough patches along the way with an issue that seems to rear its head every so often. I will bullet point a few facts to make it clearer as it is quite complex.
- He has always been someone who very much needs space and I can completely understand that as I'm the same, but he didn't introduce me to his friends for 2 years and I had to continuously ask to meet them in order to be introduced to them (he also wouldn't meet my friends or family and put it down to anxiety). 
- I also have anxiety and depression and suffer with a lot of health issues, but I still wouldn't not meet my partner's family after multiple years together, anxiety or not. It's something that's a given that you just do when you love someone.
- His friends would come over weekly and I had to sit in the bedroom whilst they play games etc in the living room. I wasn't allowed to join in or be in the living room.
- He often wants to go out with his friends (which is fine), however he's never enthusiastic or can be bothered to go out when it's just us. He never initiates it or is fussed when I bring it up.

He very much focuses on me being the issue and him needing space, saying I'm too dramatic and guilt trip him whenever he wants to do something by himself. The issue I have isn't him doing things by himself, it's that we don't do anything together. We live together and work from home together (in separate rooms, I don't see him as we're both working), and I have to do all the cooking/cleaning/washing with no help. 
We aren't intimate and his sex drive seems non-existent ever since about 6 months into the relationship. I can count on 1 hand how many times we've had sex in 6 years. It's been 9 months since he's even touched me, previously been a 2 year period of no intimacy too. I've tried talking to him so many times to try to figure out what's up and I can't even find any similar scenarios online from other people asking for advice for this as their period of abstinence is usually just a month or a couple of weeks. I feel like I've been so so patient, I haven't pressured him, I've tried so many times to talk to him about how I feel and nothing seems to change despite him saying it's him and he's sorry but appreciates the patience, yet won't address the issue and get help for it or puts up excuses as to why.

Whenever I try to discuss these issues about not spending quality time together (yet he jumps at the opportunity with anyone else), it always comes back to me being the issue and him needing more space (despite never really spending time together anyway). 

Another example is tonight, I wouldn't mind if he went out to his mates for a boy's night if we actually had some quality time too, or even if he just made the effort for once and bought me some flowers or something off his own back. I surprise him with little things he loves and little notes all the time and it's just never reciprocated and doesn't seem appreciated at all.

I'd consider his friends my friends aswell - we all talk, have the same sense of humour, we buy eachother gifts for birthdays/christmas etc. But just because I'm a girl, I'm not allowed to join in on their games nights. I just want him to initiate doing something together once in a while so it's like he makes the effort and actually wants to spend time with me rather than it appearing to be me making all the effort. 

If I suggest doing something, he says we can't afford it, or he's too tired, or has a lot of work to catch up on, or asks what do I want to do. It's always up to me and his reasoning is he just wants to get it done with to make me happy when that's not the point. There's always some sort of excuse. 
If his friend asks him to do something, he will jump at the chance and make time without excuses.

I try to think about it from his side, but after living with a disability and being excluded from things my entire life, I just find it so hard to fathom not including someone if they're free to go too. If I were in his position and my partner was free too, knowing they're feeling a bit down, I would absolutely include them and try to make them feel a bit better. I strongly believe in the more the merrier and often leaving someone out intentionally just seems to alien to me. I always try my best to include him in anything I do with my friends and they always ask for him to come too, but it's just a chore to him. 
He's adamant his friends like me and that he loves me so much, but his actions don't follow cue.

I've tried talking to him about this so many times and he just seems to focus on the him needing space side of it and I try so hard to accommodate, but the bit that never changes is the fact we don't seem to do much together at all and that's why is upsets me when he picks to do all these things just with his friends. We've never been on holiday. Never been to the beach. Never had any sort of getaway. Basically never intimate. Barely left the town we live in. I feel like I make all the effort and he just would rather play video games unless it involves other people. I try so hard to make everyone happy, and to treat everyone how I'd like to be treated. I try to go above and beyond for others to make them smile, make the effort and put time into thoughtful gifts. A friend recently got a new flat, I made a hamper full of things he needed from us both and spent ages wrapping it all up for him, but my partner didn't want me to come with him to see the new place and to give the give so I never got to see him open it or anything and my boyfriend got all the thanks. 

I'm not looking for credit, but I do feel like I put a lot of effort and love into doing things for people and trying to help wherever I can, but get treated like this in return.

I think I know the answer here in terms of what I should do, but I just wanted to reach out for some validation really to see if I really am being dramatic, unreasonable and very clingy. 
Thank you for reading and I'm sorry it's so long 😔

[basil67]

I got to the end of the first paragraph and already knew that I would have left this guy in the dust long ago.  And then I started the second paragraph and was further appalled.  Honey, why on earth do you love a man who behaves like this towards you?  

What are the complexities of you leaving?   If you're living in his home, you can pack your bags today.   But if you're named on the lease, (or heaven forbid, own the dwelling with him) it may take a bit longer.   But you need to start making plans to leave.

Edited December 15, 2023 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, Tazscoot said:

 I also have anxiety and depression and suffer with a lot of health issues, His friends would come over weekly and I had to sit in the bedroom whilst they play games etc in the living room. I wasn't allowed to join in or be in the living room.

 

Sorry this is happening. Please stop waiting on him or his friends. Let him do his own shopping, cooking, cleaning laundry, etc. 

Please do not hide in your bedroom when his friends are there. It's your home and you have access to all of it at all times. 

Unfortunately it seems like an abusive relationship were he makes ridiculous rules, stonewalls and isolates you and treats you like the live in help.

Please take care of yourself and only yourself and your physical and mental health. Do you have friends and family nearby? Please talk to trusted friends and family about what's going on. Especially locking you in the bedroom like a prisoner. 

Please read up on abusive relationships and reach out to domestic violence agencies for information support and advice. 

[stillafool]

 Why, at the age of 25 and single, are you putting up with no respect, no love, no appreciation, no sex and no life with a man.  7 years?  Really?  This guy does not love you and his actions prove it every day.  Think higher of yourself and learn to love you more than him.

[ShyViolet]

Why on earth have you been putting up with this for so long?  Why haven't you moved out a long time ago?  You are way too young to be wasting your time in this dead relationship.  Is your self-esteem really this low that you would allow someone to treat you like this and just not say anything?  He's not going to change.  There is no fixing this relationship.  You need to move out, like within the month.  At age 25 you should be out having fun, dating multiple people, experiencing things.  This is just sad.  Get rid of this guy and then do some serious work on your self-esteem.

[d0nnivain]

This man doesn't love you enough to put in ANY effort.  

We teach people how to treat us & over the last 7 years you taught him that it's OK to ignore you & not value you.  Granted, when this started you were a teenager & didn't know any better but now this is unacceptable.  Sadly after 7 years the dynamic is ingrained & will never change. 

You can stay in this sexless "relationship" where you will always be a second class participant if you like or you can walk but do not think it will get better. In time it will probably get worse.  

[NuevoYorko]

You did not post one single positive thing about this guy or your relationship.   It sounds like the dregs of hell.

Why are you in it?

[glows]

He doesn’t respect you. Sadly I suspect the crowd of friends he hangs with also treat women the same way. If he keeps wanting space I think he’s referring to you stopping altogether. Stop trying so hard and stop trying to be part of his life. He doesn’t want you to be part of his life in the way that you want to be and not in the same way that you’re making him part of your life with your friends and family. 

If I had to guess he’s not interested in being with you but too cowardly to end the relationship. He wants you to do it and take that on the same way you do all the chores and make all the effort in the relationship. Even in a break up he makes no effort because he knows he doesn’t have to. You are the one who wants more so to his mind, you do it. He checked out a long time ago.

[MsJayne]

Absolutely agree with everyone above, and I'll add this - your BF is a self-absorbed, ignorant gronk and the only person he cares about is himself. You give, give, give, and he takes, takes, takes. I'm not surprised you have anxiety and depression. I wouldn't even give him the courtesy of a goodbye, I'd just leave while he was out of the house, but before I left I'd collect up all his gaming paraphernalia and drown it in the bath. Give this loser permanent space, he's had you since you were 18 and wasted enough of your life.

[jdesey]

one phrase for you.. actions speak louder than words.