Sexless marriage

[SadMamaTo3]

Hello all. I am a 36 yo mother and quasi-wife to a 46 yo man. I say “quasi” because he has never asked me to marry him, yet calls me his wife and talks about our future wedding. 
 

We have had a tough go of it. I believe he has an avoidant attachment style, whereas I have an anxious attachment. When we first got together I was much more secure and confident. He was very romantic, affectionate, communicative, and everything I wanted in a partner. Then we had our first child.
 

The sex stopped when I was about 5 months pregnant. At first it was because I had expressed that it was uncomfortable, he is a very large man and I am small, it was just not very comfortable. Then the sexlessness continued after I had given birth, and has been less than 5 times a year for over 3 years. 
 

And yes, I was consistently letting him know I wanted sex, trying to initiate it, dressing sexy just for him in our home, sending flirty texts, pictures, EVERYTHING I could think to do. He didn’t reciprocate or would just say “I’m tired”. 
 

One time it picked up SIGNIFICANTLY and we were back to doing it every night (or more) for a few months, and I became pregnant again (even though I had a copper IUD). 
 

So here I am, 9 months postpartum and he still doesn’t want anything to do with me unless it’s random butt slaps or squeezes. We do not go out on dates, in fact our anniversary was months ago and nothing was done. I expressed that I would like to do something and it’s always met with excuses and him telling me that I’m being too emotional. 

I’ve begun working outside the home and going back to the gym. I feel empty inside when I think of him. He pretends like everything is fine, even though he knows I’m hurting due to a complete lack of intimacy. 
 

I’ve signed us up for couple’s counseling, and I’m trying to be hopeful but it’s so hard and scary to think he may not WANT to change. That he will just let me keep slipping away. 
 

What else can I do? I’ve been crying all day because last night he got angry at me for being sad about all this. 

[Wiseman2]

53 minutes ago, SadMamaTo3 said:

here I am, 9 months postpartum and he still doesn’t want anything to do with me unless it’s random butt slaps or squeezes. ’Ive begun working outside the home and going back to the gym. I feel empty inside when I think of him. 

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been together? How old are the children?. Do either of you have physical or mental health issues?

How is the rest of the relationship? Are there arguments about finances? Leisure time?  Household responsibilities or childcare?

It's great you're going back to work. Please see a physician about possible postpartum issues and overall it physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Please speak to the therapist privately and confidentiality first. 

You could try couples counselling but it seems you're not sure why he's shutting you out and uninterested in intimacy. Unfortunately you may not be able to "change" or fix him. But getting to the root of the issues would help.

Does he have health problems such as ED, excess drinking, depression or are you worried he's having sex elsewhere or overusing porn? 

[basil67]

You say that he's a very large man.   I'm not sure if you mean tall and muscled or obese.  But if it's obesity, this could very likely be the cause of his lost libido, both in lowered testosterone and body image.   Either way, a trip to the doctor would be beneficial for him.

That said, I realise that you're here with a problem and this is what you've focussed on.  However I wonder how you feel about him in general.  Do you still love him?  If so, what makes him a great guy who's worth of your love?  Serious question

[SadMamaTo3]

I’m getting ready for work so I will be able to give a more thoughtful, thourough reply afterwards. 
 

I have ADD and possibly ASD, and I have been diagnosed with PPD, and an anxiety disorder. I am in individuals therapy and have been on and off since I was young. 
 

Not worried he’s cheating, just may not be interested in sex or in me physically. To be fair he may be scared of getting me pregnant again as the last two times we have been on birth control. And three children is PLENTY. 
 

Basil- he is just large, 6’4” and 200 lbs. His testosterone levels came back as normal when he was tested. He claims not to look at porn or masturbate. 
 

Why do I love him? Well there’s many “reasons” but I want love to be a verb. Even on his worst day I want to still choose him. I’m just heartbroken that it doesn’t feel like he’s choosing me. 

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, SadMamaTo3 said:

To be fair he may be scared of getting me pregnant again as the last two times we have been on birth control.

There is a solution to this - he can get a vasectomy. So while this is a valid concern… there is a solution. Most everyone continues to have sex after they have finished having children with the use of the right birth control. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, SadMamaTo3 said:

The sex stopped when I was about 5 months pregnant.. We do not go out on dates, in fact our anniversary was months ago and nothing was done. I expressed that I would like to do something and it’s always met with excuses and him telling me that I’m being too emotional. 

Unfortunately this has nothing to do with testosterone levels or fear of pregnancy.  This has to do with a disconnect in your relationship. Please understand that it's not about whether you are attractive or not, even though that seems to be a concern.

Do you ever get time away from the children?  For example do either of you have friends and family nearby who could help out? 

Perhaps you're overwhelmed with the newborn and all the mom and dad responsibilities and exhaustion? 

[SadMamaTo3]

44 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

There is a solution to this - he can get a vasectomy. So while this is a valid concern… there is a solution. Most everyone continues to have sex after they have finished having children with the use of the right birth control. 

He got a vasectomy after our third, but refuses to call to get the results from his first check up, and refuses to go give them the second specimen as a follow up.

I got pregnant while on the pill, and another time with a copper IUD (that was only a year old). So he may have a legitimate worry, but also be using it as a convenient excuse.

[SadMamaTo3]

45 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately this has nothing to do with testosterone levels or fear of pregnancy.  This has to do with a disconnect in your relationship. Please understand that it's not about whether you are attractive or not, even though that seems to be a concern.

Do you ever get time away from the children?  For example do either of you have friends and family nearby who could help out? 

Perhaps you're overwhelmed with the newborn and all the mom and dad responsibilities and exhaustion? 

Thanks for your response. I believe I am attractive, my concern is that he no longer finds me attractive. It doesn’t matter if the entire world thinks I’m Angelina Jolie gorgeous if my own husband doesn’t care to touch me. 
 

We rarely get time away. We also do not make it a priority. I got tired of making all the plans and I am still waiting for our anniversary date (that he was supposed to plan) that was supposed to be 4 months ago. 
 

Wr have his mom close by, but she is my grandparents age, and has been having a tough go of things herself lately. We also have my sister but she is not someone we trust our children with. His siblings are close by too but they have their own children. 
 

Baby #3 isn’t a newborn anymore and frankly, he’s the easiest child except that he has to be held more often and I’m breastfeeding. He is an amazing baby, sleeps through the night, is generally happy, great eater, very curious and strong. 
 

I have asked my man if he’s stressed because of work or finances or family life, and he just puts on a happy face and says everything is fine. He is ridiculously optimistic on the surface, and then periodically he will have a meltdown. 
 

One time I expressed my desire to know him better, on a deeper level, and he said “maybe I don’t even know myself that way.” Which I think is the crux of the issue. How can he possibly express his likes and dislikes when he  hasn’t explored every nook and cranny of himself? 
 

I’m the kind of person who is always striving to know myself, others, and the world better. I thirst for knowledge, and he doesn’t share that with me. He is happy to have his nightly beers, watch football, and just chill. There’s nothing wrong with that, btw, it’s just not me and not what I thought I was getting when I met him. When I met him he traveled for work, we talked endlessly about current events, politics, we watched nature documentaries and discussed them. We had passionate sex!!! 
 

That’s what I thought I was getting in a partner. 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, SadMamaTo3 said:

He is happy to have his nightly beers, watch football, and just chill. 

It seems he's comfortable just coasting along.  It seems like he tunes you out in favor of beer and sports.

Even though you enjoy all this self exploration, it can be a turn off to be probed with deep philosophical discussions when you just want to relax. Perhaps you're missing adult company and stimulation, so it's great you went back to work. 

How long has he had the "nightly beers" habit?  Unfortunately you seem to be in a mom and pop rut.  What type of "periodic meltdown" does he have and why?

[SadMamaTo3]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

 

How is the rest of the relationship? Are there arguments about finances? Leisure time?  Household responsibilities or childcare?

 

We rarely have arguments. Mostly because he refuses to argue and I do not press most issues. 
 

Every time I suggest we make a budget and get control of our finances he shuts me down. He says “I just need to work more”. I’ve tried to explain it every single way I can think of, and he just refuses to see why we may need a budget. 
 

He is the breadwinner and I stay home with our baby during the day. Our older two go to school during the day. I don’t really trust people with my children because of my own abusive childhood. Not sure how reasonable that is, but it’s prevented my children from being abused this far so I am not willing to budge too much on that. 
 

He used to do quite a bit of housework but rarely does now. I told him it’s not fair that I have to do everything even though he’s home in the evenings, and today he did everything on the list (he told me to make it). So obviously I’m very happy in that regard, I just hope things continue to improve. 
 

I wrote him a letter and read it to him so I wouldn’t be so emotionally charged, and he just said “okay honey. We’ll go back to therapy.” And gave me a kiss on my forehead. I don’t think he’s purposely hurting me, but the result is the same; I’m hurting and alone in our relationship. 
 

I try to wrap my mind around how he became this way, and after getting to know his mother it makes sense. She was proud that she rarely held him as a baby. Proud that he was “blanket trained”, and would play by himself quietly for hours even as a very small child. His father wasn’t around and was very cold when he was around. 
 

When my children cry around his mother she tells them to stop it, and downplays their feelings. You can imagine that goes over like a lead balloon. 

[SadMamaTo3]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems he's comfortable just coasting along.  It seems like he tunes you out in favor of beer and sports.

Even though you enjoy all this self exploration, it can be a turn off to be probed with deep philosophical discussions when you just want to relax. Perhaps you're missing adult company and stimulation, so it's great you went back to work. 

How long has he had the "nightly beers" habit?  Unfortunately you seem to be in a mom and pop rut.  What type of "periodic meltdown" does he have and why?

Nightly beers pretty much since I’ve known him. The first couple years of our relationship he traveled for work so I didn’t know that he drank nightly. 

The periodic meltdowns seem to be after I have a legitimate concern and try to have a conversation with him. 
 

This is going to sound terrible but the last time was when I was pregnant. He left work early to go have drinks with his work buds, but didn’t let me know even though I was his ride. I was getting the kids ready to get in the car when he comes in the door, obviously drunk. This was the second time he’d done this. After the first time I said “I’m so glad you had fun with X and Z at the pool hall, I just wish you’d let me know next time so I don’t have to stop making dinner and get the kids ready, etc, just to find out we don’t have to get you.”   
 

He pressed me for more reasons why he should have to tell me and I said, “What if there’s an emergency (he has elderly parents, we live near a nuclear power plant, and we live close to a flood zone) and I go to your work to get you but you’re not there?”

He began berating me about all the things he hold in instead of telling me when they happen (seriously every complaint in the last year that he can think of). 
 

He has a meltdown about once every year and a half or so. In between that you’d think he crapped rainbows and cupcakes that’s how positive he is. Whereas I am the worrier, the planner, the thinker. 
 

I do not pepper him with philosophical questions, I know better than that. I keep things light and bright until I need to have a serious conversation with him, and then he just sits there like a rock and says “I need to process this.” But we never come back to the conversation. He just ignores it and hopes I will drop it. 

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, SadMamaTo3 said:

We rarely have arguments. Mostly because he refuses to argue and I do not press most issues. 

Please try not to nag him this much about money. Especially if he is supporting all of you.  Perhaps try to stop criticizing him, his mother, his upbringing, his finances, his intelligence, etc.  Even though you're unhappy about a lot of things, please step back. He's seems to be trying to keep the peace because you are complaining a lot.  Sorry to say but you sound very angry and contemptuous of him as well as emasculating.

Edited December 13, 2023 by Wiseman2

[SadMamaTo3]

1 minute ago, SadMamaTo3 said:

He pressed me for more reasons why he should have to tell me and I said, “What if there’s an emergency (he has elderly parents, we live near a nuclear power plant, and we live close to a flood zone) and I go to your work to get you but you’re not there?

Forgot to add that the next time him and the guys wanted to leave work early he said to them “I have to ask my lady first.” And when he told me that I said, “I never said you needed my permission. I just requested that you let me know I didn’t need to get you from work.”

And he sat there, mouth hanging open looking confused, as if he was trying to translate my words in his mind. 
 

Many times it really feels like we’re speaking different languages. 

[SadMamaTo3]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please try not to nag him this much about money. Especially if he is supporting all of you.  Perhaps try to stop criticizing him, his mother, his upbringing, his finances, his intelligence, etc.  Even though you're unhappy about a lot of things, please step back. He's seems to be trying to keep the peace because you are complaining a lot. 

With all due respect; I am complaining here. I do not complain to him “a lot”. I am a human being with thoughts and feelings and a desire to better my relationship. 
 

You are here to help people, supposedly, so why assume I am always complaining and criticizing him just because I am explaining my situation?? How is that helpful of you?? 

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, SadMamaTo3 said:

. In between that you’d think he crapped rainbows and cupcakes that’s how positive he is. Whereas I am the worrier, the planner, the thinker. 

Perhaps try to relax a bit. He seems overly laid back but he seems to care about you and the family. Perhaps he's just trying to avoid confrontation. It's understandable you're feeling shut down and hurt about that, but the only person you can change is you. Maybe soften up on being the taskmaster.

Sorry if you don't appreciate my help but it seems like maybe take a deep breath and start appreciating him and all the good things about your family and relationship. 

[mark clemson]

It's clear something is missing (a few things actually). People change over time, and someone who is "perfect" early in a relationship may slowly change (as do you) and no longer be as good fit. One element of this is that people can have relative hyper- and hypo-sexual "phases" during their lives. So if he is (or has become) a low-drive man, it's possibly you saw him (and started LT with him) at his "very best" in terms of libido.

Have you considered trying couples' counseling? There may be some thorny issues to discuss that he is avoiding bringing up. I'd say it's worth a shot. It MIGHT also be the case that "this is who he is" now and you are "stuck" with him so to speak. Not sure what's best to do if you can't work on the relationship to help make yourself happier/ensure your needs are met. The unfortunate reality is that one has only so many options.

Edited December 13, 2023 by mark clemson

[stillafool]

16 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Maybe soften up on being the taskmaster.

This can lower a man's sex drive for you significantly.

[stillafool]

16 hours ago, SadMamaTo3 said:

You are here to help people, supposedly, so why assume I am always complaining and criticizing him just because I am explaining my situation?? How is that helpful of you?? 

Since this is a public forum, we are all here not to necessarily help because we aren't professionals in that area.  That is what therapy is for.  We are here to offer our opinions which you may find helpful.

[Els]

Unfortunately it sounds like sex isn't the only issue here. There seems to be a loss of affection, intimacy and love in general, and sex is only one of the symptoms.

Sorry if I missed it, but did you eventually manage to get him to MC? The therapist might be able to help both of you get to the root of this and try to work out solutions. Also, did he actually want to have children? Not blaming you at all (if he didn't want kids, he should've gotten snipped earlier, so it's on him), but based on what you've said, is it possible that that could be causing resentment to brew in him?

Edited December 13, 2023 by Els

[FMW]

On 12/12/2023 at 7:38 PM, SadMamaTo3 said:

I’m the kind of person who is always striving to know myself, others, and the world better. I thirst for knowledge, and he doesn’t share that with me. He is happy to have his nightly beers, watch football, and just chill. There’s nothing wrong with that, btw, it’s just not me and not what I thought I was getting when I met him. When I met him he traveled for work, we talked endlessly about current events, politics, we watched nature documentaries and discussed them. We had passionate sex!!! 

For him, being the breadwinner for a family of 5 is stressful and when you express your dissatisfaction it probably makes him shut down.  Given the way you describe how his mother was/is, that's not surprising.  Dealing with people at work all day can make anyone appreciate some quiet and peace when they get home.

For you, being a full-time mother and homemaker is stressful and you look to him to share the household burden, as well as give you attention and affection.   You are ready to have adult interaction and support after a day managing kids and household issues on your own.

Your current life is nothing like it was when you met and were free and single without obligations to a spouse or children.  Neither of you are getting what you thought you signed up for.  But you love each other and have built a family together.  It's up to you both to work at understanding where the other is coming from and to grow together - not apart. Take small steps to try and reconnect.  Express your appreciation for what he does for the family, show affection with non-sexual touching, holding hands.  Smile at him more.  Help him remember the connection you had at the beginning.  Show him things can still be fun and that the two of you are a team.

He of course owes you the same.  It's not fair, but unfortunately it's probably up to you to initiate change in how you relate to each other. He seems to be retreating (including his lack of interest in sex) with the current state of things.  Relate to him where he is right now, not how things used to be or how you wish they were.  

 

[SadMamaTo3]

16 hours ago, stillafool said:

This can lower a man's sex drive for you significantly.

You are quoting another poster’s false assumption based on one comment I made where I said I made a list, and specified that my husband ASKED me to make a list. 
 

I am not the taskmaster. 

[SadMamaTo3]

13 hours ago, Els said:

Unfortunately it sounds like sex isn't the only issue here. There seems to be a loss of affection, intimacy and love in general, and sex is only one of the symptoms.

Sorry if I missed it, but did you eventually manage to get him to MC? The therapist might be able to help both of you get to the root of this and try to work out solutions. Also, did he actually want to have children? Not blaming you at all (if he didn't want kids, he should've gotten snipped earlier, so it's on him), but based on what you've said, is it possible that that could be causing resentment to brew in him?

We have an upcoming appointment for MC. He agreed to go, and we have gone in the past but we stopped because he got a new job and we were doing “better”. The truth is, we didn’t utilize her services properly and instead treated it like a venting session about all the other craziness going on (outside of our relationship). It has been a very tumultuous year for our extended family.

Yes, it could be that he is resentful over having children. When we first got pregnant we were not together long term and we’re not planning on having children together. I was on birth control so it took us both by surprise. I gave him the option of completely walking away, and he chose to stay and make a family. Obviously, we can still grow resentments even about things we knowingly chose. That’s something he would have to explore within himself. 

[SadMamaTo3]

56 minutes ago, FMW said:

For him, being the breadwinner for a family of 5 is stressful and when you express your dissatisfaction it probably makes him shut down.  Given the way you describe how his mother was/is, that's not surprising.  Dealing with people at work all day can make anyone appreciate some quiet and peace when they get home.

For you, being a full-time mother and homemaker is stressful and you look to him to share the household burden, as well as give you attention and affection.   You are ready to have adult interaction and support after a day managing kids and household issues on your own.

Your current life is nothing like it was when you met and were free and single without obligations to a spouse or children.  Neither of you are getting what you thought you signed up for.  But you love each other and have built a family together.  It's up to you both to work at understanding where the other is coming from and to grow together - not apart. Take small steps to try and reconnect.  Express your appreciation for what he does for the family, show affection with non-sexual touching, holding hands.  Smile at him more.  Help him remember the connection you had at the beginning.  Show him things can still be fun and that the two of you are a team.

He of course owes you the same.  It's not fair, but unfortunately it's probably up to you to initiate change in how you relate to each other. He seems to be retreating (including his lack of interest in sex) with the current state of things.  Relate to him where he is right now, not how things used to be or how you wish they were.  

 

Yes, I definitely try to practice gratitude in every aspect of our lives. I thank him for everything he does, including going to work. It may not come across here but I am a very sweet and loving woman who is just at her wits end. I’m usually smiling, cracking jokes, laughing at his jokes. I’m not as serious as I’m portraying myself here.
 

I support him in his hobbies, I make sure he can sleep in on weekends by taking the kids out of the house, or to another part of the house to play. I make his favorite foods for his lunches, make sure he can park in the garage so he doesn’t have to scrape ice and snow off his vehicle before work, etc etc. 

I really try so hard to make his life easier. I believe he tries to make my life easier too in his own ways. 

[SadMamaTo3]

1 hour ago, FMW said:

For him, being the breadwinner for a family of 5 is stressful and when you express your dissatisfaction it probably makes him shut down.  Given the way you describe how his mother was/is, that's not surprising.  Dealing with people at work all day can make anyone appreciate some quiet and peace when they get home.

 

Yes I can see that being the breadwinner is stressful. Even though I don’t work much I still bring in about 1/4 the income from dividends and my part time job. And he does things around the house. I feel like we’re on the same team except when I need to discuss more serious things. Then I get stonewalled and shut down, no matter how I try to approach the conversation. 

[Weezy1973]

To me it’s pretty clear he’s dealing with stress and likely anxiety. The beers and football is an attempt to relieve those temporarily. If I’m hearing you right, your children have been unplanned, and having kids is absolutely life changing. Couples very often report a decline in happiness after having kids. I can tell you that being a stay at home parent is as much a full time job (and more) as anything so basically you both are just working all the time. And you have, if I understand correctly zero support. So it’s just the two of you trying to make this work, likely exhausted both emotionally and physically. Something has to give, and for him it seems like it’s his libido.