Girlfriend forgave me for sending sketchy messages; I don't know if I deserve it.

[perincomporableoften]

Hi all, first time here, could really use some counsel. 

During the first month of my partner and I's relationship, I sent some arguably sketchy messages to a friend on IG. This friend was putting up posts on their story about sending foot pics to guys. This friend is also married. I'm not into feet at all, but I feel it is important to bring up that I do find this friend attractive. I also found her sending these pics while in a relationship to be exciting. I think I found it exciting because it's something I would have liked to go after if I was single; however, I knew I couldn't fully pursue it because of my relationship. Still, I was curious to see if this friend was screwing around on their partner; I thought that was still a juicy, scandalous thing to talk about and that it could be talked about innocently enough to prevent me from crossing the line. I sent the following message: "You're so nice to these horndogs". She responded: "sad thing is, I know the guys, they're pretty young". I responded: "They have no shame". That's really as far as it went. 

At the time, I didn't really think much of the exchange. I did panic a little after I sent the message, because I was afraid I might have crossed the line, but I figured that because I didn't intend to sext with her, I was ok. I might have come close to crossing the line, but I didn't. I didn't say anything to my partner at the time because I thought I did nothing wrong, then I promptly forgot about the incident for the following four months. 

Four months later, I woke up one morning, obsessively anxious about the incident. I let my partner know about it at that point. I didn't tell her the part about finding the whole potential affair exciting (I was ashamed to admit I found that exciting), but I did tell her that I find this friend attractive and that I was afraid I had flirted with her. I showed her all the messages. She said "I don't think you were flirting/cheating but, if you were, just don't do it again". Her attitude very much seemed to be "we've had four months of a great relationship, I'm not throwing it away over one potential [mistake]". 

That conversation happened three months ago. I still can't let myself off the hook for what I did. I know I wasn't trying to sext with this person, but I do feel bad I sent them the message. I knew I was attracted to them; I probably should not have put myself in a position where something worse could have happened. 

Do you all think I deserve forgiveness? What are your general opinions about the incident described above?

Edited December 11, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
langauge

[NuevoYorko]

You're much more likely to wreck your relationship due to obsessing about this thing that happened in the first month than because of the thing itself.  There is nothing "wrong" about finding someone or their feet attractive.   Yes, you were flirting with impropriety by engaging about it but you stopped yourself from going anywhere further. 

If you are happy in your relationship you OWE it to your partner to accept her "forgiveness" and leave that whole thing behind you.  If you feel like making a big deal about it with her she might determine that you really are kind of stuck on the whole thing.  That would be an actual problem.

[CaliforniaGirl]

It happens -- maybe not sending messages but being attracted to other people. She has probably felt the same way about someone else once or twice. If you can't let this go you might want to wonder why. Are you sure you're all-in for this relationship? If so, let it go.

[basil67]

As problems go, I think this is pretty benign and I'm not sure why you can't move past it.  Is it perhaps you wouldn't be so forgiving if she'd done similar with a guy?

Generally speaking, how good are you at forgiving yourself for mistakes.  We all make them, but the trick is to learn from it and move on

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, perincomporableoften said:

I showed her all the messages. She said "I don't think you were flirting/cheating but, if you were, just don't do it again". Her attitude very much seemed to be "we've had four months of a great relationship, I'm not throwing it away 

Unfortunately it seems like you're not ready to settle down. Reflect why after just 16 weeks dating you decided to spell this out to her? Testing? Permission? Hoping she would pull the plug?  If you have anxiety and guilt in general or about your fantasies, perhaps explore that with a therapist. 

[Alvi]

I don't see flirting in your messages OP. I don't know why you are having so much guilt over almost nothing. I think the problem here is that you subconsciously want to break up with your GF (or rather have have her break up with you). That was you are going to be set free and be able to pursue this married woman who may or may not be cheating on her partner. Otherwise, you would not be obsessing over something so insignificant month later or confessing to your GF about finding this woman attractive. I think that you need to re-evaluate things  and reach really deed inside your soul to see if you are actually ready for a long term committed relationship with your GF. Do her a big favor and let her go her go if you have any doubts. Either get yourself together and be all into this relationship with your GF or get out. Sorry. Unfortunately you can't have it both ways unless she is OK with opening things up. Which I don't think she is. You sound like obsessed about that other woman so why are you with your GF?

9 hours ago, perincomporableoften said:

That conversation happened three months ago. I still can't let myself off the hook for what I did. I know I wasn't trying to sext with this person, but I do feel bad I sent them the message. I knew I was attracted to them; I probably should not have put myself in a position where something worse could have happened. 

How many times have you said that you haven't sexted this woman? Ok, we believe you. Just block her and have it over and done. Who cares how that other woman feels or if she knows that you are attracted to her? Or end things with your GF and try to get it on with that other woman.

9 hours ago, perincomporableoften said:

She said "I don't think you were flirting/cheating but, if you were, just don't do it again". Her attitude very much seemed to be "we've had four months of a great relationship, I'm not throwing it away over one potential [mistake]". 

I think you would sign in relief is she actually ended things with you, right? This is what you want, for her to end things. I don't think you GF realizes the extent of how much you are obsessing over this other woman. She thinks it's nothing, a little slip, but it is not, is it? You don't have to answer it here, but come on, be honest with yourself. 

[perincomporableoften]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately it seems like you're not ready to settle down. Reflect why after just 16 weeks dating you decided to spell this out to her? Testing? Permission? Hoping she would pull the plug?  If you have anxiety and guilt in general or about your fantasies, perhaps explore that with a therapist. 

Wiseman, thank you for the response. 

The way I was raised, and I mention this in my response to Alvi, was basically that any contact even resembling the possibility of cheating was sinful and wrong. I panicked a bit here; I wanted her to have a full idea of what I did, because I believe she deserved that. It could have affected our relationship; I didn't want us to move forward unless she knew the full extent of what happened. 

I wasn't testing to see if I could get away with anything by showing her; I just felt like she needed to know because I thought I made a mistake that endangered our relationship. 

[perincomporableoften]

25 minutes ago, Alvi said:

I don't see flirting in your messages OP. I don't know why you are having so much guilt over almost nothing. I think the problem here is that you subconsciously want to break up with your GF (or rather have have her break up with you). That was you are going to be set free and be able to pursue this married woman who may or may not be cheating on her partner. Otherwise, you would not be obsessing over something so insignificant month later or confessing to your GF about finding this woman attractive. I think that you need to re-evaluate things  and reach really deed inside your soul to see if you are actually ready for a long term committed relationship with your GF. Do her a big favor and let her go her go if you have any doubts. Either get yourself together and be all into this relationship with your GF or get out. Sorry. Unfortunately you can't have it both ways unless she is OK with opening things up. Which I don't think she is. You sound like obsessed about that other woman so why are you with your GF?

How many times have you said that you haven't sexted this woman? Ok, we believe you. Just block her and have it over and done. Who cares how that other woman feels or if she knows that you are attracted to her? Or end things with your GF and try to get it on with that other woman.

I think you would sign in relief is she actually ended things with you, right? This is what you want, for her to end things. I don't think you GF realizes the extent of how much you are obsessing over this other woman. She thinks it's nothing, a little slip, but it is not, is it? You don't have to answer it here, but come on, be honest with yourself. 

Alvi for some reason my initial response to you didn't save. It was very similar to what I told Wiseman2 though. To sum up what I initially said, I don't want to pursue this married woman. I don't have any romantic attraction to this married woman; I'm not about to give up the connection my partner and I have for a virtual sexual fling. 

It's not even that I'm obsessed with the woman; I'm obsessed with the fact that I did something that could have hurt my girlfriend. I'm her boyfriend; I'm not supposed to hurt her. I'm supposed to be the best person in her life; I'm not supposed to do things tha could put her in harm's way. 

No, I would not sigh in relief if she ended things with me. I would be distraught. I think the guilt of destroying the best thing that's ever happened to me would haunt me; I would have nobody but myself to blame. 

[perincomporableoften]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

As problems go, I think this is pretty benign and I'm not sure why you can't move past it.  Is it perhaps you wouldn't be so forgiving if she'd done similar with a guy?

Generally speaking, how good are you at forgiving yourself for mistakes.  We all make them, but the trick is to learn from it and move on

Thank you for your response. Yeah, I think some of this definitely is "I don't see how she could let this go, because I don't know if I would let this go in her place". 

I'm not great at forgiving myself for mistakes, I carry around a lot of self-blame/self-doubt. 

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, perincomporableoften said:

Im not great at forgiving myself for mistakes, I carry around a lot of self-blame/self-doubt. 

There is a book called: "Escaping Toxic Guilt: Five Proven Steps to Free Yourself from Guilt for Good". Please Google it. 

[ExpatInItaly]

This seems like an effort to sabotage your relationship. 

You need to reflect on whether you are actually ready for this sort of commitment. You don't seem to be. 

[smackie9]

This guilt seem rooted somewhere in your past. I'm no counsellor, but I know guilt is hard to deal with. You just can't "Let it go/forget about it" It truly eats at you. I suggest you find some therapy/a safe place to express this stuff with a professional. It will lighten the load way faster than keeping it to yourself.

[MsJayne]

The problem is not your texting with Foot Woman, the problem is Foot Woman herself. I would be more embarrassed and ashamed about following an attention-seeking airhead on IG than I would about sending an innocuous message to her. My solution would be to stop following airheads on social media. 

[ShyViolet]

Your obsession with this is irrational and you are being completely overdramatic about this.  The amount that you are beating yourself up for something that didn't even mean anything is really unhealthy and not normal behavior.  You took a tiny, minuscule occurrence that most people wouldn't give a second thought about and you are magnifying it times 1,000 in your mind.

The messages sound pretty benign and not even like actual flirting.  You didn't make a "mistake"; nothing actually happened.  You said some words to a woman through IG messages.  Not even particularly flirtatious words.  But your irrational mind has taken a tiny, virtually insignificant thing and blown it up into an imaginary catastrophe.

On 12/11/2023 at 9:00 PM, perincomporableoften said:

I'm not great at forgiving myself for mistakes, I carry around a lot of self-blame/self-doubt. 

Yes, to an extreme.  You are not going to be able to have a healthy relationship until you recognize how unhealthy your behavior is, this obsession with beating yourself up for "mistakes" that are not even actual mistakes.  You need to do some real self-reflection and get some professional help.

[bloomingcat8451]

So, my partner defines cheating as “something you feel like you need to hide, usually an attempt to connect with and/or flirt with someone who isn’t me”. 

 

Recently, I was a bit intoxicated, mindlessly scrolling IG. A classmate of mine had changed their IG profile picture to appear to be them, scantily clad. My intoxicated brain saw the change on their story bubble and read that is “they’re scantily clad in their story, I wanna see” so I clicked on the story, impulsively and without really thinking. There was nothing untoward on said story. 

 

I feel awful now. I’m afraid I cheated. I don’t know what to do. Please help. I didn’t connect with this person; I was a bit intoxicated and dumb and impulsive but I wasn’t trying to do anything. I’m still worried though. 

[BaileyB]

If you had no contact with this person, you didn’t cheat. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, bloomingcat8451 said:

So, my partner defines cheating as “something you feel like you need to hide, usually an attempt to connect with and/or flirt with someone who isn’t me”. Recently, I was a bit intoxicated, mindlessly scrolling IG. 

 How long have you been dating? How old is your partner? Does your partner police your social media? Why are you afraid of viewing social media? How is your relationship overall? Whatever is happening, please don't use being drunk as an excuse. Is your GF excessively jealous or insecure? 

Edited December 25, 2023 by Wiseman2

[basil67]

8 hours ago, bloomingcat8451 said:

So, my partner defines cheating as “something you feel like you need to hide, usually an attempt to connect with and/or flirt with someone who isn’t me”. 

I disagree with your partner's definition.  I would say that this is "an attempt to cheat"  Not actually cheating.  

Further, from what you describe, you weren't even trying to connect or flirt with the woman who's profile you saw.  So there wasn't even an attempt on your part.   And really, we shouldn't need to share everything we do.  Honestly, if what you were looking at was on IG, then it wasn't exactly rude stuff.  

All that said, what is YOUR view on all of this?  Do you agree with your partner and hold her to the same standards?  Or do you think your partner is taking this a bit too far?  It's OK to question our partner's beliefs.

[d0nnivain]

You didn't cheat.  You looked at a social media post.  Calm down.  Put it out of your mind.  Go love your SO.  

[perincomporableoften]

15 hours ago, basil67 said:

I disagree with your partner's definition.  I would say that this is "an attempt to cheat"  Not actually cheating.  

Further, from what you describe, you weren't even trying to connect or flirt with the woman who's profile you saw.  So there wasn't even an attempt on your part.   And really, we shouldn't need to share everything we do.  Honestly, if what you were looking at was on IG, then it wasn't exactly rude stuff.  

All that said, what is YOUR view on all of this?  Do you agree with your partner and hold her to the same standards?  Or do you think your partner is taking this a bit too far?  It's OK to question our partner's beliefs.

This is a good point, OP. 

Edited December 26, 2023 by perincomporableoften
Typographical errors.

[bloomingcat8451]

15 hours ago, basil67 said:

I disagree with your partner's definition.  I would say that this is "an attempt to cheat"  Not actually cheating.  

Further, from what you describe, you weren't even trying to connect or flirt with the woman who's profile you saw.  So there wasn't even an attempt on your part.   And really, we shouldn't need to share everything we do.  Honestly, if what you were looking at was on IG, then it wasn't exactly rude stuff.  

All that said, what is YOUR view on all of this?  Do you agree with your partner and hold her to the same standards?  Or do you think your partner is taking this a bit too far?  It's OK to question our partner's beliefs.

I think this only bothers me because I wouldn't have done this if I was sober. Thoughts can't be helped; I would've still been like "ooh I kinda wanna see her with less clothes on", but I would have had the sobriety to be like "dude, probably shouldn't do that". 

[Alpacalia]

So maybe it's not so much about whether it's cheating or not (still debatable), if you were so far gone to where you were oblivious of what you were doing. You can't control the impulse when intoxicated. Sounds like your body was moving but your mind wasn't like...there. It's one thing to do something stupid when you're sober (don't we all!), but when you do it while wasted and incoherent that's a different story.

Randomly clicking on someone's story while intoxicated isn't on the same level as trying to connect with someone and flirt with them. Cheating is a conscious and deliberate act. To which point, is there a reason you clicked on the picture? Was it something you’re into? In my opinion, no, randomly clicking on a story doesn't mean you're into someone. You were just drunk and, in your words, mindlessly scrolling. I don't think it's something you should feel terrible about or confess to your partner, unless you have reason to believe that you have deeper underlying feelings for this person.

In the future, be mindful of your actions while under the influence of alcohol and try to avoid situations that may lead to potential misunderstandings with your partner.

[smackie9]

Be mindful and don't do it again....forgive yourself.

[bloomingcat8451]

8 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

So maybe it's not so much about whether it's cheating or not (still debatable), if you were so far gone to where you were oblivious of what you were doing. You can't control the impulse when intoxicated. Sounds like your body was moving but your mind wasn't like...there. It's one thing to do something stupid when you're sober (don't we all!), but when you do it while wasted and incoherent that's a different story.

Randomly clicking on someone's story while intoxicated isn't on the same level as trying to connect with someone and flirt with them. Cheating is a conscious and deliberate act. To which point, is there a reason you clicked on the picture? Was it something you’re into? In my opinion, no, randomly clicking on a story doesn't mean you're into someone. You were just drunk and, in your words, mindlessly scrolling. I don't think it's something you should feel terrible about or confess to your partner, unless you have reason to believe that you have deeper underlying feelings for this person.

In the future, be mindful of your actions while under the influence of alcohol and try to avoid situations that may lead to potential misunderstandings with your partner.

Yeah you hit on it well. I might have had a small inkling of "maybe not a good idea" in the moment but my brain overrode it pretty quickly. I wouldn't say I was oblivious, but I definitely was not fully in control. I felt like I had to see the impulse through, in other words. If I was sober I would have fought that urge successfully. 

[smackie9]

as they say, nothing wrong with looking at the menu as long as you don't order anything. We all look and admire....if we didn't we would be dead.