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Pain, finality, and closure on my recent whirlwind fling


seany25

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TL;DR = 7 years after we first met, we had had sex... and now I want even more

Over the weekend I (37M) met with a gorgeous blonde (37F) for dinner after matching last week on Tinder.

Full disclosure, we did have 1 date about 7 years ago, but soon afterwards, things fizzled out; to my absolute frustration. On the first date, we got a little hot and heated. First in her car, and then we went back to mine for a little more privacy (we were very public), but, after some playful fun on my bed until she orgasmed, we decided to wait until the following weekend to have full sex, with the expectation that the anticipation would make it even more explosive. Unfortunately, as I said, it never happened, and it was my hugest loss in terms of one of those situations you look back on and re-run things in your head and come to the realisation that you missed the boat.

Anyway, we met up at a neutral location; a restaurant and cinema complex. I was already parked in the car park and she pulled up beside me. We got out and shared some pleasantries and went right into the restaurant. Had dinner, and some interesting conversations about work, our plans, conspiracies, the universe, and some cute kisses over the table.

After dinner, we walked towards our cars and we got into her jeep. We chatted a little bit, then I leaned over and pulled her in for a kiss. After a few minutes of this, she suggested we get into the back, which we promptly did. From here, we had passionate sex for about 90 minutes.

We are almost exactly the same age, and she is the epitome of a little blonde bombshell. We plan to meet for more of the same and we considered it a warm-up of things to come. I do hope there is more to come, but even if there wasn't, I'm feeling somewhat content that this little blonde babe showed up to relieve me of a craving I've carried for a long time. The reason this whole story is so profound is because, as well as the 7 year background story, this is without a doubt the hottest woman I've ever been with and my mind is blown at what a nymphomaniac she also happens to be.

To conclude, I decided I would love to pursue something more serious with this girl. She is the sexiest most gorgeous woman I've ever been with and we are on the same wavelength with consideration of our intellectual interests and stuff like that. If things work out from here we should be able to see each other most weekends (we both have growing up kids who are getting more independent and so we have a bit more freedom) ((to clarify, we are also both single)). I have a few ideas in the back of my mind as to how I will try and go about this; mostly revolving around playing it cool and not going straight to asking her for exclusivity after just a few dates. The last thing I want to do is get all soppy and mess it all up, but I'm just very aware that as far as a serious relationship goes, she is pretty much my perfect woman. So, I'd be an utter fool not to try and give this one my all 💖

Any tips or advice on how to approach this? I know it probably becomes a little more complicated because we have already had sex, or some might see it as being potentially easier since you can't get closer than being fully intimate with each other. I'm thinking the best, or at least a good moment to raise it would be right after such intimacy. Although I'm not saying I'd be raising this any time soon, certainly not this side of Christmas. That would be way too soon.

We're supposed to meet this weekend but she hasn't text back in 24 hours. I know that comes across a tad needy but I think that even though we did deal with the unfinished business the other day, I'm starting to feel like it has opened the door to a whole new desire, that I now want even more of her. If she doesn't text back, should I just wait until Friday and be like hey, we still on? I feel stupid saying this out loud.

She came back into my life less than 10 days ago, we met on one of those days for less than 4 hours, and she has totally rocked my world... I'm glad we met up and got intimately acquainted, and I should be happy with that, but now I can feel a burning lust for her growing inside 🔥

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52 minutes ago, seany25 said:

we both have growing up kids who are getting more independent and so we have a bit more freedom. We're supposed to meet this weekend but she hasn't text back in 24 hours. 

Sounds like it's going well, just stay in touch and keep the date for the weekend and keep dating. When you're ready, have the exclusive talk because you're already physical with each other. Try to let her know you're looking for a relationship, not just hooking up. 

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18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sounds like it's going well, just stay in touch and keep the date for the weekend and keep dating. When you're ready, have the exclusive talk because you're already physical with each other. Try to let her know you're looking for a relationship, not just hooking up. 

Thanks yeah it feels like it's going well and it has been going well with the plans we're making and stuff. I think I'm just worried about this ending up being a total one-off, and even though I'm appreciative and thankful for the 7 year desire being quenched, if we were never to meet again, I'm going to be left just as thirsty as before, perhaps even more than before now that I've had a taste 😄

I hope she gets back to me before the weekend because if she doesn't I'm going to worry. But either way, we'll know by Sunday if we did indeed meet again 🚀

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1 hour ago, seany25 said:

Thanks yeah it feels like it's going well and it has been going well with the plans we're making and stuff. I think I'm just worried about this ending up being a total one-off, and even though I'm appreciative and thankful for the 7 year desire being quenched, if we were never to meet again, I'm going to be left just as thirsty as before, perhaps even more than before now that I've had a taste 😄

I hope she gets back to me before the weekend because if she doesn't I'm going to worry. But either way, we'll know by Sunday if we did indeed meet again 🚀

I’d be wondering why this fell apart 7 yrs ago.

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24 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

I’d be wondering why this fell apart 7 yrs ago.

Nothing bad happened. It just fizzled out. We live a fair distance from each other. Also, kids were younger. So I'd put it down to timing, mostly.

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Ooh la la! Sounds spicy.

Nobody likes being without the secure comfort of that special spark of human chemistry. But before you wrap up for the season be sure to set your intentions for upcoming dates and perhaps revisit how you both see what you want so that the right expectations can be had.

And try avoiding or eliminating the use of describing them as a 'bombshell.' They're a person, with a lot of individual character and attributes. Nevertheless it looks like fireworks have been set off for you and I'm happy she's got you feeling this warm and flushed. It's a lot of fun-- and so what. Imagine what other of life's great offerings could feel this phenomenal. You're welcome 💞

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It sounds like this is mostly about sexual attraction and sexual chemistry for you, which is great.  Nothing wrong with that.  But be honest with yourself about that and don't let yourself get carried away with unrealistic expectations.  You really need to rein yourself in and think a little more clearly.  This is a woman you've gone on two dates with, 7 years apart.  You barely know this woman, certainly not well enough to know if she is your "perfect woman" or if an exclusive relationship is in the cards. It sounds like the main thing you know about her is that you're sexually attracted to her.

 At this point in dating is about just getting to know the person, finding out whether this is someone you would be compatible with for a relationship.  You shouldn't be thinking about "having the exclusivity conversation" when you've gone on two dates.  Maybe you'll get there with her, but you don't know that yet.  You are getting carried away with infatuation.  But you also need to know the difference between infatuation and compatibility for a serious relationship.  

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It could go either way. She might have had her fill and is keeping her options open since she hasn’t texted you back in 24 hours. You probably hit the nail on the head that this is lust more than anything else at the moment. Calling her perfect is a bit premature. 

Men seem to be over the moon when they meet a woman who has high sex drive. For women, they see it and deal with it all the time.. usually 10/10 of the time. Continue planning your dates and show her you’re more than just a good sex partner. Connect emotionally and ask her what her interests are so it’s a bit more multifaceted.

How far do you live from one another? Who travels to who? 

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36 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

It sounds like this is mostly about sexual attraction and sexual chemistry for you, which is great.  Nothing wrong with that.  But be honest with yourself about that and don't let yourself get carried away with unrealistic expectations.  You really need to rein yourself in and think a little more clearly.  This is a woman you've gone on two dates with, 7 years apart.  You barely know this woman, certainly not well enough to know if she is your "perfect woman" or if an exclusive relationship is in the cards. It sounds like the main thing you know about her is that you're sexually attracted to her.

 At this point in dating is about just getting to know the person, finding out whether this is someone you would be compatible with for a relationship.  You shouldn't be thinking about "having the exclusivity conversation" when you've gone on two dates.  Maybe you'll get there with her, but you don't know that yet.  You are getting carried away with infatuation.  But you also need to know the difference between infatuation and compatibility for a serious relationship.  

A 7 year “itch” ?

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Your question is confusing. You do the same with her as you do with anyone whose hair is brown or black or green or blue. Simply take the next step, which is asking her out again. Period!

Once you've gone out again, you can assess how things are going and evaluate both her feelings and your own. Don't assume that just because one date was great, everything will automatically be perfect. After that meeting, take some time to reflect on what you want to do next and proceed accordingly.

It seems like you're getting ahead of yourself, and I'm concerned that you might be projecting qualities and similarities onto her without being sure of her level of interest. Have you received a response to your text?

Here's a tip, offered without criticism: You've been referring to this woman as a "blonde bombshell." However, it's important to remember that women with blonde hair who are very attractive come in a wide variety of personalities, just like anyone else. Getting to know her should involve more than just focusing on her appearance. She might identify strongly with a particular religious faith or have a unique family background, ranging from alcoholism to humanitarianism. She might not even consider herself beautiful or may have had negative experiences due to stereotypes associated with her blonde hair. 

The more you emphasize her physical appearance, especially the blonde aspect of it, the less you show the necessary curiosity about who she truly is as a person. Don't lose sight of the fundamental truth: you don't know her. After only two dates in seven years, you have limited insight into her character. She could have a complex background, including past wounds and pain, which can significantly impact her behavior in a relationship. Your role partly involves understanding whether her past experiences allow her to be the kind of partner you're seeking. Remember, people can fake confidence and social skills for an extended period before revealing their true selves. You can speed up the process by maintaining curiosity and self-awareness, but it can be challenging when you're being hit hard by the infatuation chemicals. 

It appears that you're in awe of spending time with someone so beautiful, but I advise you to slow down, my friend. It's not even clear whether she wants to go out with you again.

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7 hours ago, seany25 said:

and we are on the same wavelength with consideration of our intellectual interests and stuff like that.

Do you recognise that this half sentence is the only part of this whole post where you're not talking about her as a sex object?   You even finish it by only talking about your lust for her rather than wanting talk with her again.  This isn't the way to attract a girlfriend

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1 hour ago, basil67 said:

You even finish it by only talking about your lust for her rather than wanting talk with her again.

This stood out to me as well. 

You are obviously very googly-eyed over her looks but you say very little about what you like about her as a person. Be careful that you're not letting lust carry you away too much, OP.  

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8 hours ago, seany25 said:

. I think I'm just worried about this ending up being a total one-off

Why don't you stay in light touch and tell her you're looking forward to seeing her this weekend?

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I think you need to ask yourself why it fizzled out 7 years ago and have a good look why this happened, yes you have had sex and yes it appears she is physically attracted but to say you are on the same intellectual wave length after two dates, not sure you really know her well enough to say that.

If I were you I'd concentrate on connecting with her intellectually, ultimately you can ask this question of 20 people and you will get varying replies but it seems to me you are betting everything on things progressing with her, I'd advise you to not do this because the disappointment will be very profound if it does not work.

At the same time enjoy the moment and really do not worry if she does not respond quickly.

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So this is a 37yo woman you've met twice, seven years apart, and, both times, she's had sex on the first date, albeit not intercourse in the first instance, and in her car in the second. 

I'm not convinced that she's looking for a LTR.

 

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I've done a fair bit of travelling over the years and had a good number of experiences meeting girls in hostels and hooking up etc. Some of them were really wonderful experiences drinking dancing and chatting all night, which usually ended up in slightly awkward albeit fun sex.

Some of these I felt we may have been an item had the setting been different, and I was upset to notice a pattern of ghosting or very brief answers from girls who'd seemed totally into me the night before.

After a while though I stopped taking it personally as I realised they'd probably had as much fun as I had but wanted to let a holiday fling be a holiday fling. Nowadays if something similar happens I wouldn't message anything more than "Hey had a great time last night, best of luck on the rest of your trip".

Sometimes people really are just passing ships in the night, so I wouldn't take it personally if that's all it was for her, as good as your experience may have been.

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32 minutes ago, FredEire said:

I've done a fair bit of travelling over the years and had a good number of experiences meeting girls in hostels and hooking up etc. Some of them were really wonderful experiences drinking dancing and chatting all night, which usually ended up in slightly awkward albeit fun sex.

Some of these I felt we may have been an item had the setting been different, and I was upset to notice a pattern of ghosting or very brief answers from girls who'd seemed totally into me the night before.

After a while though I stopped taking it personally as I realised they'd probably had as much fun as I had but wanted to let a holiday fling be a holiday fling. Nowadays if something similar happens I wouldn't message anything more than "Hey had a great time last night, best of luck on the rest of your trip".

Sometimes people really are just passing ships in the night, so I wouldn't take it personally if that's all it was for her, as good as your experience may have been.

Yes..sometimes people are passing ships just having a good time at the moment.

 

you could have the affair style of thing as inn “up in the air” or the conference/ national meeting NSA type of thing between you and a work friend who work in different areas.

 

but for other times—and I’ve heard many stories on this from books, magazines, etc— where the heat of the moment one night stand occurs and the woman is “ not thst kind of girl” and withdraws from the relationship or she knows a lot about the person already and can separate sex from relationship.

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18 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Ooh la la! Sounds spicy.

Nobody likes being without the secure comfort of that special spark of human chemistry. But before you wrap up for the season be sure to set your intentions for upcoming dates and perhaps revisit how you both see what you want so that the right expectations can be had.

And try avoiding or eliminating the use of describing them as a 'bombshell.' They're a person, with a lot of individual character and attributes. Nevertheless it looks like fireworks have been set off for you and I'm happy she's got you feeling this warm and flushed. It's a lot of fun-- and so what. Imagine what other of life's great offerings could feel this phenomenal. You're welcome 💞

Thanks for all the responses. There are a couple of common themes running throughout, so I'll write one big response instead of quoting individually!

I appreciate I'm currently wallowing in some form of lust-fueled afterglow and this is affecting my rational thought process. Yes, I'm getting carried away thinking about potential future scenarios. My lust is affecting the way I have spoken on here; of course I'm attracted to more than just her looks. As I said, she is physically the most attractive woman I've ever been with, but she is so much more than that. She's intelligent, funny, a great conversationalist, open-minded, and ambitious, but mix all that with the mesmerizing sex appeal she has, and, yes, I'm drooling.

She came into my life for just a few hours and set my desire on fire. How it played out is literally like a fantasy story, so obviously I'm going to further fantasise about making this into more. I am delighted to have had this experience with her and that now I have this amazing memory, but the idea of it remaining just a story is upsetting. Even if we weren't going to get married and live happily ever after and all that stuff, at the very least I would like to create 100 more of these stories. I crave more intimacy with this woman. We even said it was only a warm-up, so if we didn't do anything again then I'd be back where I was before with more unfinished business 🔥😄 (albeit now in a better position than before, having fulfilled that desire with her once). Ps. We live about 50 miles away and met halfway.

I have texted good morning 2 days in a row now with no response. If it's a case where she's doing it on purpose to make me want her more, it's working 🫠 I'm worried she won't get back to me... which is what happened after the first time we met, for whatever reason. If she doesn't get back to me and it was a one-off then I'm sure I'll be able to find humour in being "used" but again, then I'm once more left holding that burning lust for her. Or maybe she is testing to see how much I want her? To see if I'll let it fizzle out after her going quiet for a few messages? (I don't plan on doing that, but how many times should you text with no response).

Yes, I am getting ahead of myself, and I'm trying to reign myself in. I've lost out on love before, so it's not like it's my first time being through something like this. However, this is more profound than any before because of the wild passion I experienced on Saturday! I do not want to live my life only experiencing that kind of afternoon once in a while. I thought I had had the best sex of my life up until a few days ago, but now my expectations have been shot into orbit. The bar has been set, as have my standards for women. I know the advice is to "never compare past loves/girls to a new girl" etc etc. but if I were to get into a relationship with a less spontaneous woman with a lower sex drive, I would always be comparing it to the excitement this girl brings/brought. In fact, I will probably always make comparisons, whether it's a full relationship or not.

This is certainly a more interesting dilemma than the first time around, but given that we have now been so intimately connected, I hope this might have increased any desire she has for me and the connection we have, and in turn, that it raises the chance of us making more sparks fly🎉

Now I don't know if I should text good morning again tomorrow since she has not replied to me. It should be easier to communicate after sex, but sometimes it's more complicated. Or am I making it complicated? Why do I feel like I'm having to play a game? I want to text her and ask her how her week is going, but then what if she doesn't reply to that? Then I'll feel kinda f**ked, because, if she didn't reply and then I contact her at the weekend assuming that we're still on, I will feel a bit awkward because she'll have already not replied multiple times. Oh my goodness I'm overthinking and panicking now 🫠

This is fun 😄

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You have texted her two days in a row with no response?

Dude, that means she's not interested in seeing you again. She had her fun. She might not want a relationship, she might just want to play around. Heck, you could be a fling on the side of a relationship with another guy.

If a person doesn't respond to us, they don't want to respond. She's not being held captive somewhere. She's not interested in going any further. She is not "too busy" to call. She's in her late 30s. She wouldn't be playing games of not replying to you--if she were interested, she'd respond by saying she had a good time with you and looks forward to seeing you again. And if she isn't playing a game, then you need to stay away from her--totally immature. 

I hear you on how you feel about all the great qualities you see in her (which are only from a glance I remind you!)

You write: She's intelligent, funny, a great conversationalist, open-minded, and ambitious ...

All you know at this point is that She SEEMS BASED ON TWO DATES TO BE intelligent, SEEMS BASED ON TWO DATES TO BE  funny, AND SHE APPEARS TO BE a great conversationalist, SEEMS open-minded, and COMES OFF AT QUICK GLANCE AS ambitious ... And remind yourself this: none of what you describe means she is capable of a serious relationship. All these impressions are simply valid for going on to a third date--not one bit more. 

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11 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

I think she's playing with you.

If she was/is, what would be the best response, given the complexity of the circumstances? I know some might not see it as complex, but I feel like it is. I mean, if I had not been so passionately intimate with her, I wouldn't crave her so much, but now that I have, I do.

4 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You have texted her two days in a row with no response?

Dude, that means she's not interested in seeing you again. She had her fun. She might not want a relationship, she might just want to play around. Heck, you could be a fling on the side of a relationship with another guy.

If a person doesn't respond to us, they don't want to respond. She's not being held captive somewhere. She's not interested in going any further. She is not "too busy" to call. 

Well, the texts were just a good morning. There ware no questions or prompts to reply. Just good morning babe. But yeah, I get ya. Unless something massive came up, which would be understandable. However, right up until the last text she sent we had been discussing what we'll do this weekend. So, one second we're planning then BOOM, she no longer wants to see me? I find that hard to accept.

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54 minutes ago, seany25 said:

Thanks for all the responses. There are a couple of common themes running throughout, so I'll write one big response instead of quoting individually!

I appreciate I'm currently wallowing in some form of lust-fueled afterglow and this is affecting my rational thought process. Yes, I'm getting carried away thinking about potential future scenarios. My lust is affecting the way I have spoken on here; of course I'm attracted to more than just her looks. As I said, she is physically the most attractive woman I've ever been with, but she is so much more than that. She's intelligent, funny, a great conversationalist, open-minded, and ambitious, but mix all that with the mesmerizing sex appeal she has, and, yes, I'm drooling.

She came into my life for just a few hours and set my desire on fire. How it played out is literally like a fantasy story, so obviously I'm going to further fantasise about making this into more. I am delighted to have had this experience with her and that now I have this amazing memory, but the idea of it remaining just a story is upsetting. Even if we weren't going to get married and live happily ever after and all that stuff, at the very least I would like to create 100 more of these stories. I crave more intimacy with this woman. We even said it was only a warm-up, so if we didn't do anything again then I'd be back where I was before with more unfinished business 🔥😄 (albeit now in a better position than before, having fulfilled that desire with her once). Ps. We live about 50 miles away and met halfway.

I have texted good morning 2 days in a row now with no response. If it's a case where she's doing it on purpose to make me want her more, it's working 🫠 I'm worried she won't get back to me... which is what happened after the first time we met, for whatever reason. If she doesn't get back to me and it was a one-off then I'm sure I'll be able to find humour in being "used" but again, then I'm once more left holding that burning lust for her. Or maybe she is testing to see how much I want her? To see if I'll let it fizzle out after her going quiet for a few messages? (I don't plan on doing that, but how many times should you text with no response).

Yes, I am getting ahead of myself, and I'm trying to reign myself in. I've lost out on love before, so it's not like it's my first time being through something like this. However, this is more profound than any before because of the wild passion I experienced on Saturday! I do not want to live my life only experiencing that kind of afternoon once in a while. I thought I had had the best sex of my life up until a few days ago, but now my expectations have been shot into orbit. The bar has been set, as have my standards for women. I know the advice is to "never compare past loves/girls to a new girl" etc etc. but if I were to get into a relationship with a less spontaneous woman with a lower sex drive, I would always be comparing it to the excitement this girl brings/brought. In fact, I will probably always make comparisons, whether it's a full relationship or not.

This is certainly a more interesting dilemma than the first time around, but given that we have now been so intimately connected, I hope this might have increased any desire she has for me and the connection we have, and in turn, that it raises the chance of us making more sparks fly🎉

Now I don't know if I should text good morning again tomorrow since she has not replied to me. It should be easier to communicate after sex, but sometimes it's more complicated. Or am I making it complicated? Why do I feel like I'm having to play a game? I want to text her and ask her how her week is going, but then what if she doesn't reply to that? Then I'll feel kinda f**ked, because, if she didn't reply and then I contact her at the weekend assuming that we're still on, I will feel a bit awkward because she'll have already not replied multiple times. Oh my goodness I'm overthinking and panicking now 🫠

This is fun 😄

I don't mean to be a bummer but if you've been left on read two days in a row I don't think you'll be hearing back from her. I have a policy of never double texting as it seems really desperate and doesn't give any breathing space to reply, definitely don't triple text.

You definitely seem to be way carried away considering what it actually was at the time being - a hook up. I don't think it ever helps to be this overinvested although I know it's hard not to be when it hits you. I put up a thread recently about a girl I went on one date with before I went away for two months, obsessed over the whole time I was away and then the whole thing went up in a puff of smoke within an hour once I was back, when we went on a very bad second date.

All in all you had a great time with her according to yourself so if you don't hear back from her try and just take the win and appreciate it for what it was. Maybe also ask yourself why you get over invested and infatuated with someone you barely know. Old family issues, lack of confidence etc. It may help you in the future

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20 minutes ago, FredEire said:

I don't mean to be a bummer but if you've been left on read two days in a row I don't think you'll be hearing back from her. I have a policy of never double texting as it seems really desperate and doesn't give any breathing space to reply, definitely don't triple text.

You definitely seem to be way carried away considering what it actually was at the time being - a hook up. I don't think it ever helps to be this overinvested although I know it's hard not to be when it hits you. I put up a thread recently about a girl I went on one date with before I went away for two months, obsessed over the whole time I was away and then the whole thing went up in a puff of smoke within an hour once I was back, when we went on a very bad second date.

All in all you had a great time with her according to yourself so if you don't hear back from her try and just take the win and appreciate it for what it was. Maybe also ask yourself why you get over invested and infatuated with someone you barely know. Old family issues, lack of confidence etc. It may help you in the future

If it were just some girl I got a number from and had not had any physical intimacy with then yeah, I'd easily let it slide and delete her, but this isn't just any girl. Obviously, I can't just keep texting with no reply, but I do need to make sure it's done (if it is) by trying again for the weekend (that we have planned).

I think in this case, the high investment from me is the overall fantasy. I got to experience a literal fantasy I've held for a long time, with the exact object of my desires. As far as I was concerned, that ship had sailed all those years ago and the chances of it ever happening were extremely slim to none. However, somehow the fantasy eventually found its way and came true in a sensational fashion, and now I would love to continue the fantasy. Like a drug, I'm hooked.

Add to this the fact that she's the hottest woman I've ever had sex with, and surely it's understandable why I crave her - I'm thinking if I can manage to get a girl so beautiful interested enough to have sex with me for a once-off, then I should be able to get a girl that hot for something more permanent.

If it does turn out to be a once-off then yeah, I can comfort myself with the memory and who knows? Maybe she'll even come back to me now and again for more once-offs. I would be more than cool with that 😄

I seriously hope I'm just being paranoid and I come back here with a happy ending on Sunday.

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1 hour ago, seany25 said:

Now I don't know if I should text good morning again tomorrow since she has not replied to me.

No, don't text her again. You have tried twice. A third time is going to make you look desperate.

1 hour ago, seany25 said:

It should be easier to communicate after sex, but sometimes it's more complicated.

It is easy - when both parties want the communication to continue. It seems she is drawing some sort of line in the sand with you without coming out and directly telling you to step back. 

Don't message her again. If you don't hear from within a couple days, assume that the weekend is off. 

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