Awkward

[Alpacalia]

Okay so this is really weird. My ex from my twenties, well, he reaches out to me every few years just to see how I am doing. I haven't spoke with him in several years but I am still friends with his Dad on social media because me and his Dad always got along really well. In any event, my ex just reached out to me on LinkedIn. He said he tried to reach out to me on the social media platform I am on but his wife blocked him somehow (long story I guess).

Anyway, we greet each other and ask about each other's health but then he makes a really strange comment. He says his Dad is mad at him that he never married me which is odd because I broke up with him because I wanted to be single.

That his Dad loves me so much and that he loves me too obviously but it’s been so long and he thinks the last time we spoke I got angry at him and he thinks he was inappropriate because he tried at the time to warn me against the man I was dating at the time and he apologized saying he didn’t mean to make me feel uncomfortable. 

I didn't really know how to respond to this because it caught me off guard. I reassured him that I wasn't angry at him and that I appreciated his concern for me, but I also let him know that I had moved on and was happy with my life. He seemed relieved and just said he was glad to hear that.

It's been almost a decade since we last spoke I've had no contact with his family. I also am afraid of this strange thing with his ex's wife blocking me and him still reaching out to me? I really don't want to be pulled into any weird triangle with a man I used to know and his wife. But at the same time, my ex, while we dated at least, was a wonderful boyfriend but I just fell out of love with him and it didn't work out.

He is asking for my telephone number and address which I haven't given to him. He said he wants to send me a Christmas card and send me pictures of his kids. I didn't mention I have a BF because I don't want him interfering. The last time we spoke which was ages ago, I was dating someone that he knew from when he was younger and he had nothing nice to say about him.

Edited December 2, 2023 by Alpacalia

[basil67]

Ugh, an unwanted ghost from the past.   Sorry you're having to deal with this.  And I'm so pleased that you didn't hide behind the "I've got a boyfriend" response.  Women shouldn't need to mention the existence of a boyfriend to enforce a boundary with another man.

My best advice is to say something along the lines of "It's been nice to have a chat, but I prefer to leave the past in the past. I'm sure you understand.  Good luck with your future".   And then block him (assuming you can block him on LinkedIn)

That said, I am a little confused about his dad.  You say that you've had no contact with his family, but there's also something about you still being friends with his dad.  If you are still friends with his dad, it's probably better to drop that too as it seems he's stirring things up with your ex.  But if I've misunderstood, and you're not in contact with his dad, this is good.

 

[Alpacalia]

26 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Ugh, an unwanted ghost from the past.   Sorry you're having to deal with this.  And I'm so pleased that you didn't hide behind the "I've got a boyfriend" response.  Women shouldn't need to mention the existence of a boyfriend to enforce a boundary with another man.

My best advice is to say something along the lines of "It's been nice to have a chat, but I prefer to leave the past in the past. I'm sure you understand.  Good luck with your future".   And then block him (assuming you can block him on LinkedIn)

That said, I am a little confused about his dad.  You say that you've had no contact with his family, but there's also something about you still being friends with his dad.  If you are still friends with his dad, it's probably better to drop that too as it seems he's stirring things up with your ex.  But if I've misunderstood, and you're not in contact with his dad, this is good.

I just stopped replying. He just wrote me several long paragraphs and I just chose not to read it or respond. With his Dad, he's on my social media. Just the typical happy birthday posts and stuff. His Dad did message me a few years ago, he's a retired State Trooper and Chief of Police and he noticed on my social media that I was moving and he just wished me safe travels thru messenger and we briefly chatted. But that was like 5-6 years ago.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

My ex from my twenties, well, he reaches out to me every few years. It's been almost a decade since we last spoke I've had no contact with his family. 

Sounds like he wants to stay in touch since your connected on LinkedIn and social media friends with his father.

It's good you didn't give him your phone or address. Just tell him, "nice catching up, Merry Christmas to you and your family" and leave it alone. 

If you think it's weird remove him as a connection from LinkedIn he won't be notified, it's silent (especially if there's no professional reason to have him on there) and discontinue being social media friends with his family. 

Edited December 2, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Alpacalia]

He has sent me several long winded messages since yesterday after I stopped replying. This morning he sends me a short message "See what I mean … poof you’re gone."

Which, I didn't really appreciate and is not fair and said as such. Anyway, I hate to be so short with him because he was a really good boyfriend and we parted on good terms after all was said and done.

So, kept my responses very, very brief otherwise he'll go on a word tangent.

Hopefully my reply left very little room for unnecessary conversation, "It was nice hearing from you. Hope you’re doing well."

[Alpacalia]

Alright this is getting really bizarre.

I wished him well and thought that would be the end of it. I came back from Barre and there is another barrage of messages.

Curiosity finally got the better of me and I read them. He went on this long tirade about how he had to except the relationship was over and that he hopes I wasn't mad at him.

I'm like, what the heck are you talking about. We broke up because I wasn't in love with you anymore, not because of anything you did, my feelings unfortunately just faded and I had to practically beg for you to leave me alone while you were sitting there crying for me not to end it.

He keeps asking me to give him my contact info and that he can give me a "secret email."

He's also saying he doesn't want us to drift apart and that he is so afraid that this will be the last time we talk and that I am going to disappear and he'll never be able to speak to me again.

I haven't talked to him in years and he just springs up during random times. I feel like I was just mind screwed and the good image of him that I did have completely faded after that unnecessary weirdness.

He sent me an invitation on linked, I accepted, and then he hits me with all this cray cray. I should have just left that darn invite alone. I went back and forth for a bit with him. Eventually I told him that I don't want to keep rehashing the past and I have moved on. What a odd and frustrating experience.

It makes me sad because I thought we would be able to be cordial/friendly since we shared good times but this is so not cool. It's like he's trying to guilt me into feeling bad for breaking up with him and make me question my decision.. I wish him well but this is just over the top. Lesson learned, don't accept friend requests from exes.

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I haven't talked to him in years and he just springs up during random times.

You can very easily delete him as a contact from LinkedIn as well as disconnect, unfollow, delete and block him and his people from all your social media.  There's really no reason to stay in touch if you think he's being creepy.

You could just reply "happy holidays to you and your family, I'll be spending them with my BF, take care". Then block him. 

[Alpacalia]

I did. Done and done. ✔

[Alpacalia]

OK I need to bit of an outside perspective. Sorry to hash this again.

My ex from my twenties reached out to me via LinkedIn a couple days ago. We exchanged a few messages but some of the messages he wrote me made me feel quite bad about myself and I removed him. At first, I admit, the things my ex said were quite negative, but I feel something is going on with him and of course I hope that he is okay.

I did not remove his father from my social media. His father and I had not exchanged any messages for several years.

This morning his father reached out to me on social media twice. The last time asking for my email address. I haven't responded yet. 

I feel like responding to his father is a slippery slope. I thought my ex and I ended on decent terms all those years ago but some things he said to me seemed misplaced and hurtful.  

However, I never thought he was a bad person and I always respected his father. 

I feel like the best approach is to not reply to his father's messages. Maybe his father is just checking up on me and there's no harm in that, but my gut feeling is that there may be something going on with my ex and somehow I'm being looped into it.

[Wiseman2]

49 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

his morning his father reached out to me on social media twice. The last time asking for my email address.

He can get that from his son. Makes no sense.  Why not delete and block this ex and ALL his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps if he's as creepy as you suggest? Please review your social media and privacy settings. Perhaps it's time to clean out the dead weight? 

[Alpacalia]

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He can get that from his son. Makes no sense.  Why not delete and block this ex and ALL his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps if he's as creepy as you suggest? Please review your social media and privacy settings. Perhaps it's time to clean out the dead weight? 

No, his son doesn't have my email address. My ex asked for my personal information via Linkedin and i said no.

I believe that my ex is trying to go through his father now to reach out.

I think my ex is going through something and I empathize. I felt the words he said to me initially after he reached out were quite misguided and a lot to digest.

I think I'm just going to tell his father that it's just not appropriate and wish his son well for me.

His father has never taken it upon himself to insert himself so I wasn't exactly sure what the heck was going on.

Thanks for the help. 👍

[MsJayne]

My take is that either,  a) for him you were The One and maybe his wife knows that because over the years she's heard, from both him and his father, how wonderful you are, or b) he uses your name to taunt his wife because he gets off on provoking jealousy. Either way you're smart to cease contact with him because it all does sound pretty weird. Wanting to send you pics of his kids and trying to open a conversation with you about your past relationship is definitely him trying to start 'something'. Maybe he's going through divorce or planning to, maybe his wife's seriously ill, maybe he's planning to murder her. Whatever it is, trying to inveigle himself into your life again, and so desperate that he's involved his dad, is weird. Maybe ask him how his wife feels about him contacting a past love and then cease all contact . 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, MsJayne said:

My take is that either,  a) for him you were The One and maybe his wife knows that because over the years she's heard, from both him and his father, how wonderful you are, or b) he uses your name to taunt his wife because he gets off on provoking jealousy. Either way you're smart to cease contact with him because it all does sound pretty weird. Wanting to send you pics of his kids and trying to open a conversation with you about your past relationship is definitely him trying to start 'something'. Maybe he's going through divorce or planning to, maybe his wife's seriously ill, maybe he's planning to murder her. Whatever it is, trying to inveigle himself into your life again, and so desperate that he's involved his dad, is weird. Maybe ask him how his wife feels about him contacting a past love and then cease all contact . 

Yeah. I know the holidays are hard for him because he lost his mother when he was younger a few years before we dated so maybe this is stirring up some memories for him.

After having thought about it, I do think this may just be him reaching out to me during a tough time. But who the hell knows. It just put me in a very uncomfortable spot. This all happened in the span of a couple days after he reached out to me on LinkedIn. Of course my head was spinning a bit. People change over the years .....so I can't rely on what he might have been like during our 20's.

I'm glad I removed him and wished him well and I did tell his father that I trust that his father understands that it's not my place to be in contact with his son and that I wished him well. I just wanted to be polite. It's out of respect for his father because he's someone I truly admired and I'm sure this is tough spot for him too. I have no clue.

If it were a simple "Happy Holidays how's it going" then no biggie. But he went into this speech about how I was back then (and not in a good way...it was actually pretty mean) and how hard it was for him to move on and that he had to and hoped I wasn't mad at him. I'm like, uh ....Happy Holidays to you too buddy was the only thing I could think of after reading that.

Anyway, a little bit of grace and yadidadida and wished him well.

Thanks for your response!

Edited December 3, 2023 by Alpacalia

[ShyViolet]

Nah, it sounds like definitely not a good idea to give him or his father any of your contact info.  He is acting a little crazy and you should keep your distance.  

[Alpacalia]

Geez. Right after I posted this he messaged me on LinkedIn again after I removed him and was clear that I wasn't interested in maintaining contact. I hate the whole blocking thing if I can't resolve it civilly but I guess the suggestion to block is the right one. 

I just think he is going through something. I admit at first when he said mean things to me I was annoyed but then I stopped and thought about it. I realized that he's not acting like himself and something must be bothering him. He's usually a very kind and caring person, so his behavior is out of character. I know that everyone goes through tough times and it can affect our behavior, so I'm trying to be understanding and supportive. But, he has to find someone else other than an ex to talk to or to vent to.

Edited December 4, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

 he messaged me on LinkedIn again after I removed him and was clear that I wasn't interested in maintaining contact. I'm trying to be understanding and supportive. 

How can someone message you on LinkedIn if they are not a connection? You can block on LinkedIn. Please be honest with him and say "happy holidays to you and your family, I'll be spending them with my BF" then block him. You're not his therapist and the sooner you set him free the better. 

[ShyViolet]

14 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I know that everyone goes through tough times and it can affect our behavior, so I'm trying to be understanding and supportive.

Nah, it is not your job to be understanding and supportive to an ex from decades ago who is violating your boundaries, acting crazy and making you uncomfortable.  It's your job to look out for yourself and trust your gut.  Something is very off with him.  At this point I would just block him everywhere.

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

  At this point I would just block him everywhere.

Agree. LinkedIn is for colleagues, alumni, professional and academic connections. It's unclear why you have an ex you haven't spoken to for a decade on there. 

[Alpacalia]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How can someone message you on LinkedIn if they are not a connection? You can block on LinkedIn. Please be honest with him and say "happy holidays to you and your family, I'll be spending them with my BF" then block him. You're not his therapist and the sooner you set him free the better. 

I don't know how someone can message on LinkedIn if they're not a connect but that's what he did.

And I just blocked him now.

7 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Nah, it is not your job to be understanding and supportive to an ex from decades ago who is violating your boundaries, acting crazy and making you uncomfortable.  It's your job to look out for yourself and trust your gut.  Something is very off with him.  At this point I would just block him everywhere.

I'm with you. I empathize in my mind's eye but that's it. The extent of his messages were all about us and how much he's missed me and thinks about our relationship all the time and he is afraid that I won't ever talk to him again and it makes him sad. I hope that he can eventually move past whatever is causing him to act out and find some peace.

[Alpacalia]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. LinkedIn is for colleagues, alumni, professional and academic connections. It's unclear why you have an ex you haven't spoken to for a decade on there. 

Because he LinkedIn requested me a couple of days ago for the first time. I didn't see the harm in accepting it at the time as I had no idea he would send me a barrage of messages. I had not spoken or heard from him in several years. 

[Lotsgoingon]

You can be direct and sensitive: look, I wish you well, but I'm not really comfortable establishing social media connections with an ex of mine who is now married. Just put it like that. 

Now, he's definitely interested--or else he wouldn't have talked about how he left things and how his dad is still mad at him. Of course, I might be totally wrong, but those are the kinds of words that try to gently open the door to romance. Totally deniable. I was just passing on how much my dad liked you.

My guess: he's going through a tough time in his marriage, and lots of folks reach out to exes when they hit a tough spot in their marriage. Doesn't always mean they want to rekindle things or have an affair. I had a married ex reach out to me during a really tough time in her marriage, but we had been friendly on and on for a while. I sensed she just needed to talk to me and she got through this period of her marriage (when her husband had started a new venture that required both of them to work 20 hours a day). She did no real flirting with me. And I don't think we talked about our romantic past at all.

I see no reason why you need to add this guy to your life or even your social media life .

[Alpacalia]

Thanks!

I tried that but to no avail. I did not want to block his Father because his father has never inserted himself like this before and has always been pleasant and certainly not asking me for my personal info on behalf of his son.

I deactivated my social media this morning, his father messaged me twice this morning then proceeded to call me via messenger and I had enough. It felt so uncomfortable and invasive.

Hopefully whatever is going on will pass.

I have no idea what the father's motive is in all this but I explained that his son is crossing boundaries and talking about our relationship like it was yesterday which is not cool especially considering he is married. 

[Lotsgoingon]

You can politely (and firmly--even nervously) tell the father I am uncomfortable with talking to your son, who is a married man. Period. 

No need to avoid this kind of talk. 

[Alpacalia]

I said that already, period.

I am not sure how many times I have to repeat myself to his son or his father. Short of saying, leave me the ******* alone. If someone says no, I will not give you my personal information nor will I engage in conversations with regard to our past relationship nor do I want any further contact and they choose to disregard that and still contact me you are crossing the line and I shouldn't need to educate someone on that.

Don't understand what is so hard to understand about that.

[Acacia98]

You're a lovely person Alpacalia: I mean, the fact that you are able to find it in your heart to empathize with someone who is violating your boundaries in this way is exceptional.

But I feel angry on your behalf. This guy is disrespecting you. As has already been pointed out, you are not his therapist. And I don't want to sound melodramatic, but I think he is emotionally unstable and potentially dangerous. I'm glad you have blocked him. Please continue doing everything in your power to protect your privacy.

Edited to add:

You may ultimately want to block his father too (if you haven't already done that). I may not know anything about the two men, but something seems to be off where both of them are concerned. 

Edited December 5, 2023 by Acacia98