Is my mum the reason I'm still single?

[RandallHare]

My sister, 39, myself, 36, and my brother, 34, are all still single despite our age!

I think there's something wrong with our upbringing. For the entire family to be still single despite our age, something must be wrong somewhere.

Actually, before I noticed this, I could observe just how my mum tells me things.

When I was 16, I had a love interest with a funny girl. My mum said, why are you so crazy on her, she's too dark!

At aged 20, I had a huge crush on another girl. Mum said she's too small.

The list goes on and on and on. The girl is too pretty. The girl is too short. The girl is too far away. The girl is too smart (or too busy with studies).

And then, she would pair me with girls I'm not comfortable with, just because these ladies have a good family background and are accomplished women in their own right. But I'm bored with them. 😐

I don't want to listen to my mum anymore!

[Weezy1973]

Do you still live with your mom? Why do you feel like you need to please your mom with your relationship choices? Have you talked to your siblings? Do they feel the same way? Is your dad in the picture at all?

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, RandallHare said:

 she would pair me with girls I'm not comfortable with, just because these ladies have a good family background and are accomplished women in their own right. But I'm bored with them. 😐

Do you work? Have your own place, car, friends, hobbies, interests? There's no reason at 36 for your mother to be involved in your dating life. 

Is your mother divorced widowed or unhappily married? Does she work? It seems like she is living vicariously through her adult children because her own life lacks satisfaction. 

You're responsible for cutting the apron strings. Just keep your dating life to yourself. 

[RandallHare]

11 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Do you still live with your mom? Why do you feel like you need to please your mom with your relationship choices? Have you talked to your siblings? Do they feel the same way? Is your dad in the picture at all?

*I still live with my mum

*I don't feel the need to please my mum, but she's always the first one I talk about my relationships with.

*I haven't talked to my siblings about it. I think it's awkward.

*My father has the same opinions as my mum's.

[RandallHare]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you work? Have your own place, car, friends, hobbies, interests? There's no reason at 36 for your mother to be involved in your dating life. 

Is your mother divorced widowed or unhappily married? Does she work? It seems like she is living vicariously through her adult children because her own life lacks satisfaction. 

You're responsible for cutting the apron strings. Just keep your dating life to yourself. 

*Yes, I work.

*I have everything except own place. I don't want to rent.

*She's married, but I don't think she's happy.

*She's retired.

[RandallHare]

I could sense that my parents want me to marry someone they would be proud of. @_@ 

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, RandallHare said:

I have everything except own place. I don't want to rent.

This is your decision and entirely in your control. Unfortunately you may have difficulty dating if at 36 you choose to live with your parents. 

[Weezy1973]

23 minutes ago, RandallHare said:

*I still live with my mum

This is why she has an outsized influence. Moving out asserts your independence from your parents. Being able to take care of yourself and not rely on your parents will also have the knock in effect of making dating relationship choices for yourself instead of worrying what your parents think.

[d0nnivain]

Move out & stop talking to your mother about your relationships.  Until you do this you will remain single.  

[RandallHare]

I can't move out yet. It's in our culture to remain with families until after wedding day. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, RandallHare said:

I could sense that my parents want me to marry someone they would be proud of.

Are you scheduled for an arranged marriage? Is parental approval important in your culture/religion? 

If so, do you have a choice of who you date? Are you dating women from your own background who understand that you live at home until marriage? 

[glows]

You’ll probably have to date within your own culture and listen to your mother then about your dating choices. Alternatively I’m sure there are professional match makers from your culture who can discuss what your options are and you can have your mother as part of the decision process. I’m assuming marriage is a family decision in your culture and you’re frustrated with your mother’s nitpicking. 

A professional match maker is going to be looking at your whole profile and not just one or two things. He/she is also going to tell you if you or your mother’s expectations are too high or completely unrealistic. 

Your mother may also be afraid of living alone or being abandoned and she sabotages opportunities for her children to move out and make their own life. I don’t know what her issue is but most parents think their kids are hotter than fresh bread and other people are not good enough. They get over that as they learn to accept their children’s choices. 

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, RandallHare said:

I can't move out yet. It's in our culture to remain with families until after wedding day. 

Then I’m guessing it’s in your culture for your parents to have a major influence on who you date and marry. Two sides of the same coin.

How come the first time you said you lived with your parents it was because you didn’t want to pay rent, and now you’re saying it’s your culture?

Either way basically you’re pulling the classic issue - “I want things to change, but I’m unwilling to change what I’m doing.”  Your choice.

[Els]

36 is about 18 years too old to be blaming your parents for your dating life. If you're single and you don't want to be, that's on you.

I come from a culture where people typically live with their parents until their wedding day, too. I thought it was ridiculous, so I didn't. You are acting like you're in prison and "have" to do this or that, but in reality the only person holding you back from doing what you want to do is yourself. If you move out at the ripe age of 36 and your parents "don't approve" (of you moving out, or of your partner, etc etc), so what? What can they do? They can voice their upset, sure, and you respond patiently and smile and just keep doing what you're doing. Odds are, they'll get over it. Mine did. So did my husband's.

And here's a little secret - the more you allow your parents to control your life, the more they will try to do so. On the other hand, if you stop allowing it, there will be conflict at first, but eventually they will come around, and they will actually begin to respect you more as an equal adult.

Stop blaming other people for your life and take control of it.

Edited November 27, 2023 by Els

[Versacehottie]

I'd say it's playing a part in the reason you are still single!!  I sort of understand perhaps a cultural pressure and at the same time if your mom is the first person you run to when you like someone new and then she tears that choice down, it's not productive to your happiness. 

The first thing I would do is stop running to your mom with your new dating stories/prospects. Just decide on your own and get some traction and some alone time with that person...meaning the two of you should decide if there is something there before you mention it to other people (and they weigh in!!!). You would have more of a bond and a true idea if the person is right or not for you if you handle like this. I think this is a good idea no matter the culture or family (or friends) dynamic. 

Keep in mind that as long as it's gone on and as long as you've enabled it, it's going to be a little rough to change things. Your mom will probably rebel (like a role violation that happens in family dynamics)...You have to stay strong and I agree with the others: if you are not willing to change anything, then there is no point in complaining.You have to be willing to change to get change. 

[semble]

I'd say that yeah, it's time to stop listening to your mom.

Go play this song. It's called "Captain Jack" by Billy Joel.

Saturday night and you're still hangin' around
You're tired of livin' in your one horse town
You'd like to find a little hole in the ground
For a while
Mmm-hmm

So you go to the village in your tie-dye jeans
And you stare at the junkies and the closet queens
It's like some pornographic magazine
And you smile
Ooh-oh-ho

'Cause Captain Jack will get you high tonight
And take you to your special island
Captain Jack will get you by tonight
Just a little push and you'll be smilin', woah-ho-woah
Oh, yeah, yeah

Your sister's gone out, she's on a date
And you just sit at home and masturbate
Your phone is gonna ring soon, but you just can't wait
For that call
Ooh-oh-ho

So you stand on the corner in your new English clothes
And you look so polished from your hair down to your toes
Ah, but still your fingers gonna pick your nose
After all
Ooh-oh-ho

And Captain Jack will get you high tonight
And take you to your special island
Ah, Captain Jack will get you by tonight
Just a little push and you'll be smilin', oh-ho-oh
Oh yeah, yeah

So you decide to take a holiday
You got your tape deck and your brand new Chevrolet
Ah, but there ain't no place to go anyway
And what for
Ooh-oh-ho

And you've got everything but, ah, nothing's cool
They just found your father in the swimming pool
And you guess you won't be going back to school
Anymore
Ooh-oh-ho

But Captain Jack can get you high tonight
And take you to your special island
On Captain Jack you can rely tonight
Just a little push and you'll be smilin'
Oh-woah-woah-oh
Oh yeah, yeah

So you play your albums and you smoke your pot
And you meet your girlfriend in the parking lot
Ah, but still you're aching for the things you haven't got
What went wrong
Ooh-oh-ho

And if you can't understand why your world is so dead
Why you've got to keep in style and feed your head
Well, you're twenty-one and still your mother makes your bed
And that's too long
Ooh-oh-ho, woah, woah yeah

Captain Jack will get you high tonight
And take you to your special island
Ah, Captain Jack will get you by tonight
Just a little push and you'll be smilin'

Well now, Captain Jack will get you high tonight
And take you to your special island
Ah, Captain Jack can make you die tonight
Just a little push and you'll be smilin'

[mark clemson]

10 hours ago, RandallHare said:

 she would pair me with girls I'm not comfortable with, just because these ladies have a good family background and are accomplished women in their own right. But I'm bored with them.

I don't want to listen to my mum anymore!

 

Yes. The women you're attracted to are not the ones your mom feels are "right for you" so continuing to listen to her (including in your own unconscious decision making) isn't going to work. If it was me, I'd ignore the nagging and do what's actually right for me. It will help if you are independent and have your own place.

Your mom may not be happy, but if she makes a fuss perhaps respectfully point out that trying to do it her way resulted in you being single at 36, so it's time to try something different.

[MsJayne]

Your mother sounds like a very controlling and interfering woman. So, yes, if keeping on her right side is important to you, she's the reason you're still single and looking like you're staying that way. No woman deserves an interfering, overbearing mother-in-law. Your sister is the one I feel most sorry for, 39 years old and still single and living with parents. Have you ever considered doing something really wild like telling your mother to butt out of your private life? Because that's what she needs, though it sounds like someone should have told her where to go a very long time ago. 

Edited November 28, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Foxhall]

14 hours ago, RandallHare said:

I think there's something wrong with our upbringing. For the entire family to be still single despite our age, something must be wrong somewhere.

I see something similar to this in my own family or extended family,

I dont know there can be a few reasons- one you get afraid of ever making a mistake and hence you stat forever in the rut,

you get comfortable too and just the homebird mentality becomes impossible to leave behind, you dont really want to leave the childlike scenario behind

the parents are becoming elderly and breaking away becomes even more difficult

I would not put the blame on parents (well maybe only to a small extent)- the ones I am thinking off they are certainly not happy that there are no grandkids popping up,

I dont think the issue is terminal though- it just takes a change in mindset and when you realise what your have been missing- the company of a suitable woman or whatever- you can find that spark again- the spark within yourself I mean really is the first step to getting out of the rut.

 

 

 

 

[RandallHare]

11 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Then I’m guessing it’s in your culture for your parents to have a major influence on who you date and marry. Two sides of the same coin.

How come the first time you said you lived with your parents it was because you didn’t want to pay rent, and now you’re saying it’s your culture?

Either way basically you’re pulling the classic issue - “I want things to change, but I’m unwilling to change what I’m doing.”  Your choice.

 

Actually, there are many reasons. It just so happens that the first one that automatically crops up is that I don't want to rent.

Aside from the two, I have other reasons.

One is that my sister is hilarious, I still want to spend more time listening to her. Every day is literally a sit-com with her.

Another reason is our himalayan cat. I love Maxxie so much. We have the same birthday so he is too special for me. Leaving the house means leaving Maxxie because it's my sister who takes care of him. If I take Maxxie with me, my sister and I will fight. We actually bought Maxxie half and half, after all.

I wish I can post Maxxie's picture but I don't know how...

 

[RandallHare]

12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you scheduled for an arranged marriage? Is parental approval important in your culture/religion? 

If so, do you have a choice of who you date? Are you dating women from your own background who understand that you live at home until marriage? 

*Luckily, we don't have arranged marriages anymore

*Yes, parental approval is important

*I have a choice.

*Everyone my age still live with parents. The only ones who don't are married or are living in another city.

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, RandallHare said:

Actually, there are many reasons. It just so happens that the first one that automatically crops up is that I don't want to rent.

Aside from the two, I have other reasons.

One is that my sister is hilarious, I still want to spend more time listening to her. Every day is literally a sit-com with her.

Another reason is our himalayan cat. I love Maxxie so much. We have the same birthday so he is too special for me. Leaving the house means leaving Maxxie because it's my sister who takes care of him. If I take Maxxie with me, my sister and I will fight. We actually bought Maxxie half and half, after all.

I wish I can post Maxxie's picture but I don't know how...

Working out our life is all about priorities.  At this point, your sister and the cat are more important to you than having a girlfriend.  This is why you're single.

Why don't you take care of the cat?

 

Edited November 28, 2023 by basil67

[RandallHare]

11 hours ago, glows said:

You’ll probably have to date within your own culture and listen to your mother then about your dating choices. Alternatively I’m sure there are professional match makers from your culture who can discuss what your options are and you can have your mother as part of the decision process. I’m assuming marriage is a family decision in your culture and you’re frustrated with your mother’s nitpicking. 

A professional match maker is going to be looking at your whole profile and not just one or two things. He/she is also going to tell you if you or your mother’s expectations are too high or completely unrealistic. 

Your mother may also be afraid of living alone or being abandoned and she sabotages opportunities for her children to move out and make their own life. I don’t know what her issue is but most parents think their kids are hotter than fresh bread and other people are not good enough. They get over that as they learn to accept their children’s choices. 

 

My mum's expectations are not unrealistic, but combining them with my own, makes everything unrealistic.

My mum wants someone who is accomplished and who belongs to a family with good background.

As for myself, I need someone I'm attracted to and with whom I have good chemistry.

This is proving to be too difficult.

[glows]

3 minutes ago, RandallHare said:

 

My mum's expectations are not unrealistic, but combining them with my own, makes everything unrealistic.

My mum wants someone who is accomplished and who belongs to a family with good background.

As for myself, I need someone I'm attracted to and with whom I have good chemistry.

This is proving to be too difficult.

What does accomplished mean to your mother? What does attractive mean to you? Are you finding it difficult being attracted to women of your own culture? 

Are you also accomplished and attractive?

[RandallHare]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

What does accomplished mean to your mother? What does attractive mean to you? Are you finding it difficult being attracted to women of your own culture? 

Are you also accomplished and attractive?

I think she wants someone with a good profession.

Attractive to me means easy on the eye. 

I don't actually find it difficult.