advice on getting him to propose

[ou812]

Okay please give it to me straight up!!!

 

I am 35 - he is 40

I have a 10year old girl - he no kids - never married (i was never married too)

 

we have been dating 2 years now

He tells me he is afraid of marriage - like it should have already happened tohim - he feels he is too old for it now also too old to ever have a child.

 

He loves my daughter - they are very close.

 

He is a bit jealous of my ex -he always brings up the bond i will have with him forever because of our child.

 

We broke up recently but got back together - he was depressed without me - he said.

 

He knows i want to get married - he told me to take it day by day please he said

I know he is scared - i also know he loves me

 

How do i get him to think positive about marriage?

all his friends are divorced and unhappy.

all my friends are still married and great.

I dont know what to do --- please help me!!!!

[slubberdegullion]

How do i get him to think positive about marriage?

You can't get him to think anything. You can only influence him. What or how he thinks is completely internal to him.

 

But regardless, it already sounds like you have a really strong bond, and the fact that he and your daugher have also bonded is a real plus.

 

So before you go about trying to change his mind, there's one question that you must answer first: Why do you want to get married?

[ou812]

Oh he and my daughter 100% love each other ...

 

How can I influence him then???

 

I know i sound desperate but i am !!! I really want to married -

I love him - he is my best friend

we share commmon goals in business

our families all love one another

oh so much - i really want us to be a family.

what can i do ? Sometimes he shakes and sweats when we talk about it.

Now all he will say is " one day at a time , pressuring me makes me want to not do it even more "

 

I think i will not bring it up till the new Year - so that will be like over 2 months ? What do you think?

I really need help! Please i am going crazy !!!!

[Outcast]

You aren't listening. You CANNOT 'influence' him or in any way put feelings into him he does not have.

 

It's actually kind of pathetic, IMHO, that a 40-year-old man is 'scared' of marriage. Are you really sure he's a great deal?

[slubberdegullion]

I really want to (be) married

But why, exactly? What is different about the state of marriage than you are in now?

Sometimes he shakes and sweats when we talk about it. Now all he will say is " one day at a time , pressuring me makes me want to not do it even more "

Take the hint here. He's being very clear to you, so bringing it up again and again will only drive him away.

[slubberdegullion]

It's actually kind of pathetic, IMHO, that a 40-year-old man is 'scared' of marriage. Are you really sure he's a great deal?

Funny, I think it's a bit pathetic that she's so insistent on it. But hey, that's just a guy's opinion...

[NightsInWhiteSatin]

Now don't be harsh, it's not pathetic that she's insistant on it. Marrying someone is officially making them your family and promising to be there forever and work through any problems that you both have which when you're in love you want to make that commitment and youre excited and happy so it's ok to be over eager or try to help sway your partners fears. There's no bad intentions there. Just try not to go too far or it'll push him away.

[ou812]

Hey peeps ,

I understand i sound desperate - i think i even posted that .

Please dont refer to me as "pathetic"

 

I am looking for thoughts on how to make him think positive about marriage . Not to be put down.

thanks

[ou812]

thanks Nightinwhitesatin,

its hard to not bring it up - but i guess i have to set my mind to it. Also i have read things like - dont be so avail - stop cooking and cleaning for him - do these things work?

[slubberdegullion]

I am looking for thoughts on how to make him think positive about marriage . Not to be put down.

No offence was intended. Sorry if it came out that way.

[ou812]

no problem slubberdegullion !

[slubberdegullion]

no problem slubberdegullion !

Thanks!

 

I'm still a bit confused, however: What is it about the state of marriage that is different than where you are now, and what do you expect to change once vows and rings are exchanged?

[ou812]

Basically - i really want us to be a family. In my mind , a marriage , would make it more real.

We dont live together - its me who wont - we see each other alone every weekend and once or twice during the week with my daughter.

Like for instance , last night he went home after work and goes to this resteraunt/bar after work with his divorced buddies. They are all in their 40's.

I just want us to be a real family. Why does he always go to this place with his friends? for goodness sakes they all act like they are 20 years old...

Can you teach an old dog new tricks???

I wish he thought more positive about a family unit. When he does come over here when i have my daughter - i always have a meal ready for him. and when i stay with him at his house on the weekends , i always clean his place and do all his laundry.

I do this so he can see the difference between a bacholar lifestyle and a family one. I dont know -

what else can i do ? its been two years and i am tellin you he is scared.

But when we were broken up for a couple of weeks - he cried and kept saying No other woman will love me as much as you - and i miss (insert daughter name) sooo much ....

So we got back together and now he keeps saying this "day by day" lecture.

[Audrey1]

The truth is simple. When a man WANTS to marry you, he will. Until he wants to, there isn't much you can say or do other than accept the present situation you are in, or leave. There is no such thing as "convincing" a man to marry you. And even if you could, would you really want to?

[bunnzy]

It sounds like you are acting too much like a mum for him.

 

I know you are just trying to be domestic goddess, but have fun and loosen up. Go out on dates. Hang out with his friends. Ask your daughter what she thinks of your relationship. Concentrate on living your life, making your relationship the best it can be, making yourself a better partner, and parent and he will follow your lead and your example. Just dont nag.

 

Good luck

[MakeMeBeautiful]

cosmo tips:

 

1. take up extreme sports.

2. take a vacation w/out him

3. go out with our pal rocco

4. make a major independent financial decision

5. Ask him if he's ever been to Guam. Or New Mexico. Or Phoenix. "I hear they have giant lizards there," you might say, toying with your pasta. "I'd like to live where there are giant lizards." By contemplating a big move -- to another city, country, or hell, another apartment

6. Lastly, buy him a compass. Literally pick up a compass at a camping store, and attach a note that reads, "When you figure out where you're going, let me know. I may be here, but I may not. Love, (insert your name here)."

[ou812]

thats a great idea!!!!!!!!!!

i need to plan some like extreme sport vacation alone!!!!!!

 

it would blow him away!

[Tamrick]

I also really want to get married - I'm 26 and he's 31, but I don't think age has all that much to do with it. Fortunately my bf and I can still laugh about it - I'm not going to pressure him too much and nor will I baby him or clean up after him. I do find that when I act more independent - go out alone or tell him I'm busy doing something then he tells me more often that he loves me and wants me. In the end he must make up his own mind. I want children though and will not wait around forever cause I do have a biological clock. You need to decide how much you want to marry him and how long you are willing to wait and then tell him cause it could be a very long wait.

[Chicksfly2]

Hello all,

 

I have been dating boyf for 2 1/2 years and am ready to settle down. He is very family-oriented and has been sheltered most of his life. He knows that I am ready to take the next step and teases me about it everyday. He has not had many girlfriends and still needs time to "have his fun like I did".

 

He's in the military and unfortunately we are across the country (we have been for several months). We cannot live together unless we're married. He recently took us to the mall to look at rings. I was estatic but don't want to push him into anything of course.

 

I guess I just need to know how long it's going to be before we move forward. I feel that I am getting older and our relationship hasn't progressed much. We are in our mid-twenties.

 

Any suggestions from anyone???

[BrideToBe]

Dearest ou812,

 

As a fellow marriage-minded woman, I must say congrats to you for not shying away from what you know to be the most important thing that makes life challenging, fulfilling, intimate and complete - marriage.

 

I know, it's not easy understanding why some men tie the knot and some don't, and I'd like to make it easier on you and on any woman out there who feels "stuck" - not wanting to pressure her man but not wanting the relationship to remain stagnant forever. I should know... my boyfriend proposed to me a month ago - we had been dating for ten months. (Note: we worked together for five months before we started to date).

 

 

From the way you describe your relationship with your boyfriend, it sounds like:

 

a) He's not ready... yet; He spends a lot of time with men whose marriages didn't work, which may be a big factor in his reluctance to marry

b) You're always there for him (Is your nickname "Old Faithful"?)

c) He feels no need to make this arrangement permanent

 

Contrary to what other people have been advising you, there IS something you can do about this lil' problem. In fact, there are many things you can do. In an earlier post you mentioned strategies such as "don't be so available" and "stop cooking and cleaning for him".

 

Bingo.

 

When my now-fiance and I first met and word got around to him that I cook (I work part-time as a pastry chef), he immediately started asking me to cook for him (we happened to live on the same block and he's a typical bachelor... the only things in his fridge are ketchup, mustard and beer). I thought to myself, "this guy has husband potential... I had better not mess this up!". For weeks he kept asking me to cook for him. So finally I thought, "here's my chance to wow him". What did I do?

 

I showed up at the office with a container of stale rice pilaf that had been sitting in my fridge for nearly two weeks. Had it been a day older, it would have developed mould. You should have seen his face when I very sweetly handed him the container, along with a plastic fork and a styrofoam cup of room-temperature apple juice "to wash it down". He forced down the "meal" and mumbled a thank you, and then (for some strange reason) continued to badger me to cook for him. He does it to this very day.

 

Now, in the last ten months that we have been a couple (thus, he has been badgering me to cook for him for a total of one year and three months), I have "cooked" for him on three separate occasions: Once for our 6-month anniversary (grilled cheese), once for his birthday (this time a real feast, the lucky boy), and I once made two pbj sandwiches for a picnic date we had. And that's it. I casually told him I'd rather not do the Domestic Goddess thing unless and until I'm someone's official "Mrs. Domestic Goddess". Does he pout? Yes. But it makes him think I've got a good thing going and he therefore wants to try even harder to "win me over" so that I'll one day put a hot meal in front of him again. (Now that we're engaged I still don't cook for him, but every so often I'll call him up and say, "sweetie, would you like to come over to my place for a hot dinner?" and then proceed to order a pizza. Other times I'll let him take leftovers from my fridge.)

 

Since you've set up a pattern of cooking for him, I must gently suggest you STOP IT RIGHT NOW!! The payoff?

 

1. Less work for you - woohoo! (And more time to spend with your daughter)

2. More respect from him. Suddenly he's not getting "something for nothing", and your efforts become much more valuable in his eyes.

3. He will immediately notice, and will either think to himself, "now that the free ride is over, I don't want her anymore" (in which case, you don't want him either!) or "Uh-oh... something is up. I had better get my act together" (which doesn't equal an instant proposal, but it will make him treat you much better and want you more). In any case, you'll have an instant answer: either he wants you as his woman or he wants you as his housekeeper/chef/mother. (This also goes for the cleaning and laundry thing - you definitely need to ixnay that, pronto. Girl, you are not his laundry wench!)

 

I'm not suggesting you NEVER cook for him. Just stop trying so hard to "please him". Does a man's love come from his stomach? To a large degree, yes. But a man will eat *anything* that's warm and not moving. It doesn't matter whether you made it or had it ordered from "Wong's Takeout". Anything that requires very little thought, energy and effort is perfect. Suggest eating out more. Or hand him a bowl of pretzels (men love pretzels). Or, you can get him to cook for you! (Practice saying, "mmmm, honey, these nachos with cheese whiz are AMAZING!" in a convincing voice.)

 

You've already done a brave and VERY smart thing by not agreeing to live with him before marriage (don't *ever* make that mistake! And to any woman who IS living with a man and can't get him to propose, immediately start looking for your own place. Just tell him you "need a little space" and he'll realize he has to get shaking before he loses you).

 

You don't need to go as far as taking up an extreme sport in order to get him to wake up (unless you want to... in which case, You Go Girl!). Anything will do, as long as you become busier and more interested in what's going on in *your* life. It could be knitting, or candle-making, or mother-daughter Irish folk dancing. Anything. As long as you've got a busy, active life that's interesting *to you*, YOU will become more interesting *to him*. While I was dating my now-fiance, I joined a gym, a jazz ensemble and a synagogue committee, and took up painting (though not all at once). Each time I took on something new, I had more things to talk about and more places to be, and he missed me more and became more interested in me (even though he's not really into jazz music or painting).

 

The "cosmo tips" posted earlier are totally on-target, because they encourage you to live an active, independent life and remind him (subtly) that he's not the centre of your universe. This, ultimately, will make him want to be the centre of your universe!

 

Here are a few more "strategies" I used that any woman can apply (to some degree or another) to the man in her life, in order to get him over that little "hurdle":

 

-I "accidentally" let him overhear me say to a friend on the phone that I was thinking about renewing my apartment lease for a 3-year contract. Even though I was hoping he'd propose within the year, I acted as if my life plans did not revolve around him.

-I dated other people when we were first dating, until he brought up (and insisted on) exclusivity.

-I didn't let him see me at the last minute - he had to have asked me out 1-2 days in advance, which made him miss me when I occassionally turned him down for a date. This is hard, since I live very conveniently down the street from him.

-I didn't always pick up the phone when I was home. (I still don't.) I have voicemail!

-Once in a while I'll go away for a weekend without him. I don't have a lot of money so it's never an exotic weeklong vacation in Bora Bora with my girlfriends; but once every two months or so, I'll casually tell him on a Thursday that I'm going to visit family for the weekend. Then the next day I'll head off to my parents' place (they live an hour and a half away) or my cousin's place (30 minutes east, in good traffic), or visit my uncle's family (5 hours by train). Wherever - the point is that I'm gone for a weekend and he misses me. And when a man misses his woman, that's VERY good for the relationship!!! (I also have a better relationship with my family as a result.) This strategy is especially good when he's been not-so-nice.

-Once when he was 50 minutes (!) late for a date, I wasn't there when he came to pick me up. I waited exactly 30 minutes, then I made other plans and left. I didn't demand he value my time, I didn't get mad, and I didn't scold him. I just later told him, very sweetly, that I wasn't into waiting around for people. Since then he has never been more than 10 minutes late for anything with me (and this guy has a MAJOR lateness problem, so for him it's a big show of effort).

-I didn't (and don't) call very often. Usually when I call it's to return his call. Or I'll call sometimes when I know he's not home and leave a super-short and sweet message.

-Whenever he brought up marriage, children, or "the relationship", I'd act casual and even tease him about "pressuring me for a commitment" or joking, "you should be so lucky". I didn't act marriage-obsessed (even though I am). I acted "ready for commitment, but not desperate".

-I put a limit to our physical intimacy (no sex before marriage). Many women won't have sex with a man until marriage (the ideal situation), or will date a guy for *at least* several months before having sex. This is excellent!! Is it "using sex as a bargaining chip or a weapon"? Absolutely not. It is called valuing and respecting your body, and allowing him to respect you in the process. It is called slowing down the "race to the bedroom" so that he has the time to fully appreciate who you are before getting to be intimate with you. It is viewing sex and sexuality as the ultimate expression of love and commitment between two people - an attitude he will gradually adopt if you allow him the thrill and anticipation of slowly falling for you *before* getting to experience your most intimate, private self. Never, ever, ever sell yourself short in this area. Your sexuality is a G-d-given gift, a thing of beauty, and you should protect its sanctity for the intimacy of an exclusive, loving, committed relationship (marriage, at best!).

 

 

Any of these actions serve to draw him closer to you because they let him know, without pressuring or "talking it over", that:

 

a) you love yourself

b) your time and attention are valuable

c) you don't chase men (they chase you) and you give them their space

d) you are a catch, and any man would be lucky to have you... forever.

 

Finally, only date men who are marriage-minded. If you've been applying the above advice for a few months, and he still says he doesn't want to marry you, listen to him. Tell him it's been fun, and wish him luck. There is someone out there who will want you as his wife, and you shouldn't get held back waiting for someone who has decided not to marry you. You're worth more than that!

 

Wishing you success in your endeavour and lifelong happiness,

 

Shia

 

p.s., I know this has been a long (and very informative) post, but I thought I'd recommend a few books which have helped me tremendously in understanding men and relationships. You must read them, because the wisdom you will gain will help you not only with your boyfriend, but with your future husband and family (and ultimately, yourself). They are:

 

1) "The Rules", by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider (old fashioned, but they work - I know because I did them!)

 

2) "Why Men Love Bitches", by Sherry Argov (a straightforward and hilariously funny "user's manual" on men, and the mistakes women tend to make in relationships)

 

3) "Kosher Sex", by Shmuley Boteach (An illuminating and insightful book about the potential spiritual depth and power of sex, and its place in your relationship)

 

4) "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", by John Gray (the cliche of relationship books, yes, but it's advice from a man, and will show you how to make your relationship solid. Also check out "Mars and Venus on a Date", which shows you how to navigate your relationship through each level, from the very first dates to "commitment time")

[ou812]

Dear Bride to be -

 

I honestly think you just might have saved my life....

another night laying here thinking why wont he marry me , and here i found your reply ---

 

It's a new year and i plan on printing out your post and living a new life.

PS - I am sooooo tired of folding his underwear , i swear ...

and this morning he actually expected me to just clean up his place!!!

Poor old man - LOL!!!

Hope to keep in touch with yah bride to be!!!

[BrideToBe]

Sister, I'm so glad it helped. Let's definitely keep in touch and let me know how things are going with the boytoy, and how he reacts to the "new you".

[befree]

Please go out and buy the book "Why Men Love Bitches". No, it is not about being a bitch, but how to get a man to see you as his dream girl. This book is great for new relationships, married couples and long term relationships. I am not kidding when I tell you I read it in two hours and it changed my life. CHANGE MY LIFE. He treats me better than ever, and he has no idea why.

[ou812]

Thanks befree !!

so far the new year is great! i thought i had all these plans to be more independent, but the truth is i am just much more calmer.

I havent been dwelling on him to make me happy.

I have just been trying to concentrate on me.

 

will def read that book , i had heard about it before.

 

bride to be : If he has noticed , he hasnt said anything yet.

[BrideToBe]

Girlfriend, you need to take more drastic action. Being more calm and less needy is *great*, don't get me wrong, but we're talking about teaching an old dog some new tricks (him, not you!)...

 

Maybe he hasn't said anything but has noticed... you can tell by the way he treats you. Has he been more attentive lately, or more affectionate or loving, or more willing to make time for you? Has he asked you out more, or called more, or offered to help with anything? These are all good indications of his feelings. Any of the above changes would indicate that he's noticed something different in your disposition. If not...

 

Step one: Add something new to your weekly routine. Join a gym, or take up a weekly painting class, or do rock climbing every sunday with your daughter, or be a volunteer storyteller at the library... anything. Schedule it on a day that you normally see him each week (this will make it impossible for him to notice your absence).

 

Do that, and let me know how it goes and how he reacts when you ever-so-casually mention that you can't see him on Tuesdays anymore because you've taken up sculpting. From time to time, gush about how great it's going, how much fun you're having, etc etc. We'll see what he does and take it from there.

 

Good luck!

 

Shia