Retroactive jealousy, insecurity, how to move on and enjoy this great thing we have

[Charles34]

I am a 34 year old male who came out of a 7.5 year relationship in February of this year. I was engaged and unhappy for a long time and we ended things fairly amicably and went our separate ways but it was still very difficult for me as we had a house, animals together etc. I wanted kids and she was strongly leaning towards not wanting them. We basically became friends with very little intimacy or passion, so I still have issues relating to this, and in the relationship before that I was cheated on so I know I probably have some issues that I have worked through but still need to further as well. I have a pretty good job, physically fit, decent head on my shoulders and feel that I have a lot to offer as a partner.

Fast forward a few months and doing some healing, I meet a beautiful 28 year old woman, we click very strongly right away. Great conversations, excellent chemistry. Go on a first date and stay for hours and hours and, plan another date a couple days later and the rest is history now almost five months later we hang out probably 4-5 days a week, sometimes more. We have both met each other's families and get along very well. The physical passion is incredible, like nothing I have ever experienced before. We are intimate nearly every time we are together, often multiple times, I know the relationship is fresh and new but its still better by far than anything I've experienced prior, for both of us she has also stated. We do fun things together, have similar interests, things are pretty great.

So my question is this.. I found out through social media just browsing around about a month after we began dating, that years prior she had had a relationship with a woman in her early 20s. I was a little surprised as we had asked each other briefly about our histories and she kind of brushed this aside and didn't mention it. So I just asked her about it, long story short I find out she has dated both men and women, been with more men than women, but longer things with women, probably 4-5 women since high school (high school is whatever I know) but she says maybe at one point she identified as bisexual, that she thinks sexuality can be fluid to some degree but does not identify as that anymore and wants to be with a man, have kids, always knew she wanted to be with a man. She also told me some very heavy things trauma related she had been through with a couple men in her late teens which could definitely have played a role and shaped her journey, things she hasn't told anyone before. I do not take that lightly and have been very supportive of this trauma, as I have also dealt with some heavy things as well and we both work in mental health related fields. I am not a judgmental person and like to think that I am very accepting and hopefully open. I have never dated someone to my knowledge at least who has openly dated both men and women. She told me at one point she maybe was interested in men and women 75-25, but now its like 95 percent plus men. As a heterosexual male I didn't really know a person's preferences could shift to that degree, but I understand every person's journey is different.

My question is for some reason I have had a bit of a hard time accepting that she has been with women and experience a bit of retroactive jealousy towards this and I know it is not rational but I come with my own insecurities from previous relationships and life experiences, that am I enough for this beautiful, intelligent girl and that maybe she will want to be with a woman again, things that I obviously couldn't give her. I have mentioned this to her to some degree, she tells me she knows what she wants she figured her journey out and has never felt even close to how she feels with me before. I know I should move on, I want to. I have a past as well, I have been with more partners than she has, it is just the dating both men and women thing that has stuck with me cause if she genuinely wants a woman, I can't give her that obviously. Although she says she has figured out what she wants and it is me.

She says she has felt  mostly mediocre and I have made her feel things she’s never experienced or known possible. She wants me, wants a family with me. Things I want. How do I enjoy this great thing. I have a past two everyone does, I have been with more partners than she has. 
 

Basically I would just like any tips or advice on how to get my sh*t together as I have dealt with OCD in the past and don't want to let a potentially amazing thing go, over some internalized biases or ideas that I am not enough for her. She has told me she wants monogamy, said she experienced mostly mediocrity in the past in general and I've made her feel things she never knew she even could. For some reason in my head I feel like she downplayed the dating women thing (at first she definitely did but eventually filled me in on it as I was genuinely curious who I was falling in love with, but she was very patient and also said she noticed I was far less interested in her history with men, as we both discussed our histories some, while also realizing she didn't owe it to me to tell me.) Any advice on my situation? I want to just let this go and enjoy this amazing relationship we have developed, I like her family, she likes mine, we have a great thing going. I just want to feel like I am enough, as she has told me. I realize this is a me problem, not a her problem and why I have turned to Reddit for some advice.

My question basically is How do I move on and just enjoy this relationship, which I do most of the time but not focus on my insecurities? I want this relationship and her. How do I not focus on her past, before she even knew me?

TLDR- Partner and I have an amazing relationship so far, connecting deeply on an emotional and physical level, she was hesitant to bring up dating women in the past, says she doesn't want that, how do I move forward and let go of insecurities and trust that I am enough and let go of feelings of retroactive jealousy

Edited November 23, 2023 by Charles34
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[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, Charles34 said:

 I meet a beautiful 28 year old woman, we click very strongly right away we hang out probably 4-5 days a week, sometimes more. she says maybe at one point she identified as bisexual, that she thinks sexuality can be fluid to some degree 

Hi long have you been dating? It seems like a bit too much too soon. Try to slow down. This will give you time to come down to earth and reflect on her situation and what your gut feelings about it are. 

[Charles34]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Hi long have you been dating? It seems like a bit too much too soon. Try to slow down. This will give you time to come down to earth and reflect on her situation and what your gut feelings about it are. 

We have been dating/ together for five months now. 

[Weezy1973]

Agreed - part of the issue is how fast this is moving. You’re really still in the honeymoon stage and don’t really know each other well enough yet to be planning family and future together. Likely your traumas have caused some insecure attachment behaviors, which includes your retroactive jealousy etc. 

Best thing is just be completely honest. Even show her this post. Tell her all the things you’ve told us, but make sure you own it. This has nothing to do with her and everything to do with you. 
 

And slow down. You’re still just at the infancy of getting to know each other.

[Charles34]

1 minute ago, Weezy1973 said:

Agreed - part of the issue is how fast this is moving. You’re really still in the honeymoon stage and don’t really know each other well enough yet to be planning family and future together. Likely your traumas have caused some insecure attachment behaviors, which includes your retroactive jealousy etc. 

Best thing is just be completely honest. Even show her this post. Tell her all the things you’ve told us, but make sure you own it. This has nothing to do with her and everything to do with you. 
 

And slow down. You’re still just at the infancy of getting to know each other.

Thank you for the reply. We have talked about this several times and she’s been quite up front about her past, what she’s looking for etc.  the very first time we discussed histories she was not upfront about it but she said she was put on the spot and has been very honest and patient since then. I want to move past it and make it work. 

[Weezy1973]

23 minutes ago, Charles34 said:

. I want to move past it and make it work. 

Then you have to explore why your insecurities exist on the first place. You’re telling yourself a story that is invoking fear. What is the story?

Ultimately it comes down to realizing that whatever happens in this relationship, you’ll be fine. You’ll survive. It doesn’t cause any kind of permanent “damage”. It just wasn’t meant to be. 
 

All this is best accomplished through therapy.

[Charles34]

52 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Then you have to explore why your insecurities exist on the first place. You’re telling yourself a story that is invoking fear. What is the story?

Ultimately it comes down to realizing that whatever happens in this relationship, you’ll be fine. You’ll survive. It doesn’t cause any kind of permanent “damage”. It just wasn’t meant to be. 
 

All this is best accomplished through therapy.

I think what scares me about dating someone who has been with women is that as a man, maybe she would be unfilled with me or seeking something I can't give her, or change her mind as to what she wants again. Although she has unwavered and been very into me and we have great passion, intimacy, and a lot of fun together. Just the idea of her wanting something I can't give her bothers me, even if it may not be entirely rational. 

[glows]

I’ve shied away from a lot of labels but if I had to describe my sexuality now later in life looking back at my decisions I’m clearly bisexual. I can relate to your girlfriend and have heard the same thing you’re saying multiple times in more than one relationship. Ironically it’s always men who were insecure. I could not crack this or understand why or where this comes from. I did go on to enjoy a marriage and then divorced for other reasons but my ex spouse fully embraced all of me and never so much as asked or cared about my past that others have before. 

Im just here to tell you your feelings are valid and I hope your girlfriend is open with you but you’ll need to get to a secure place yourself in this relationship to understand that love at the end of the day is still love. It doesn’t just up and leave because you have different body parts. There are sensational stories in the media of relationships ending and partners leaving due to a sex change or change in sexuality but you both have to build that trust and not let outside fears affect you so badly that you don’t appreciate one another. 

It doesn’t sound like you trust her and natural also at 5 months. My only advice is stop living in perpetual fear, take a leap of faith where warranted and see where this takes you.

[Weezy1973]

18 minutes ago, Charles34 said:

, maybe she would be unfilled with me or seeking something I can't give her, or change her mind as to what she wants again.

All of this could happen regardless of her past.

[NuevoYorko]

2 hours ago, Charles34 said:

 My question basically is How do I move on and just enjoy this relationship, which I do most of the time but not focus on my insecurities? I want this relationship and her. How do I not focus on her past, before she even knew me?

Unfortunately, there are no "how to" tips that anyone can give you,  even a skilled therapist.  It will be a matter of doing some real work which will take time and commitment.

You feel how you feel and you can't learn "how to" not feel a certain kind of way.  You will need to get to the bottom of why things which do not affect you about another person's life have power over how you feel.   

You can learn some behaviors that will help you not wreck your relationship or, even more importantly, not be emotionally hurtful towards another person because of your own issues.   

Actual therapy will be the thing to commit to if you want to learn how to "not focus on your insecurities."  

Edited November 23, 2023 by NuevoYorko

[BaileyB]

My advice, there is no anxiety if you chose to live in the moment. Anxiety and worry only exist if you are focused either on the past (which you are) or on the future (which you are). If it was me, I would focus a little more on being mindful, living in the moment - there are lots of resources online and a counsellor would also help. 

Your mind is always going to wander to these kind of thoughts… being mindful is actually as simple as noticing when your mind wanders, stopping the thought, and bringing your focus back to the heat and now. A mantra may be helpful, to remind yourself to stay focused on the positive, here and now. 

IDK - what kind of strategies have you used in the past to manage your OCD? Time to go back to those tools and use them again…

[BaileyB]

9 hours ago, Charles34 said:

I think what scares me about dating someone who has been with women is that as a man, maybe she would be unfilled with me. Just the idea of her wanting something I can't give her bothers me, even if it may not be entirely rational. 

My anxiety and worry decreased a lot when I made my peace with the fact that there were things in this life that I could not control. And, whether she decides that she wants to be with a woman again is not something you can control. 

The anxiety you are feeling, the jealousy and insecurity, is your attempt to protect yourself from losing this relationship/being hurt in the future. It gives you the false illusion that you can somehow control the future - you can’t. 

The only choice/control that you have here is to decide whether she is a risk worth taking - because, every single relationship, no matter how wonderful the other person appears, is a risk. And, if you decide it’s a risk worth taking - you also need to decide that you will be able to deal with whatever comes in the future… 

In cognitive behavioural therapy, you are asked - what is the worst case scenario? Worst case scenario here is that she decides she wants to be with a man or woman - the relationship ends and… you know what, you deal with it. You have already dealt with the end of one long term relationship - what makes you think that you won’t be able to deal with it, if it happens again? 

This is life - relationships are risky, some go the distance while others do not, we all make the best decisions we can with the information that we have at the time, and come what may, we deal with it. 

My suggestion, you need to accept that there are things that you do not control, try to live in the moment, and have faith that come what may - the good and the bad - you will get through it… 

I hope it works out for you. Best wishes.

Edited November 24, 2023 by BaileyB

[Charles34]

On 11/23/2023 at 3:09 PM, glows said:

I’ve shied away from a lot of labels but if I had to describe my sexuality now later in life looking back at my decisions I’m clearly bisexual. I can relate to your girlfriend and have heard the same thing you’re saying multiple times in more than one relationship. Ironically it’s always men who were insecure. I could not crack this or understand why or where this comes from. I did go on to enjoy a marriage and then divorced for other reasons but my ex spouse fully embraced all of me and never so much as asked or cared about my past that others have before. 

Im just here to tell you your feelings are valid and I hope your girlfriend is open with you but you’ll need to get to a secure place yourself in this relationship to understand that love at the end of the day is still love. It doesn’t just up and leave because you have different body parts. There are sensational stories in the media of relationships ending and partners leaving due to a sex change or change in sexuality but you both have to build that trust and not let outside fears affect you so badly that you don’t appreciate one another. 

It doesn’t sound like you trust her and natural also at 5 months. My only advice is stop living in perpetual fear, take a leap of faith where warranted and see where this takes you.

Thank you for the reply, I think my main insecurities stem from the fact in my last relationship which lasted a long time we had a severe lack of intimacy, and the relationship before that I was cheated on. I have never been with someone who has dated both men and women before so I guess it's also new waters to navigate. She has been with more men than women, roughly 2-1 in ratio but had longer relationships with a couple women in particular when she was younger. I just want to be enough for her, and she says she has felt her sexuality shift and that it can be fluid in nature and she wants a man, a future with a man etc. We have had an incredible connection in our five months so far together, I know it is new, but the intimacy is fantastic, the communication and connection is great, she says she has never felt that before with anyone. So I think I need to just get out of my own way and enjoy it day to day and try my best to live in the present.. Any advice would be greatly appreciated from your perspective. Thanks 

[Charles34]

On 11/23/2023 at 2:01 PM, Weezy1973 said:

Then you have to explore why your insecurities exist on the first place. You’re telling yourself a story that is invoking fear. What is the story?

Ultimately it comes down to realizing that whatever happens in this relationship, you’ll be fine. You’ll survive. It doesn’t cause any kind of permanent “damage”. It just wasn’t meant to be. 
 

All this is best accomplished through therapy.

I think the insecurities exist because I had severe lack of intimacy in my last long relationship, a problem that I have never experienced before. The relationship before that I was cheated on, so I am sure I carry some of these issues forward. For some reason I have focused on her past with women, far more than her past with men, even though she's been with roughly twice as many men as women. I just feel like if she wants that I can't give her what a woman can obviously. But she tells me she's never felt like she has with me before, we have amazing intimacy, connection, communication, fun together, I have met all of her family, she has met most of mine etc. I know it is still early, but I want to get past these issues because 9/10 times and days together we are so good. I have never dated someone who has been with males and females before, so I guess its new water to navigate, but I want to trust her that she knows what she wants, I have no reason to doubt her. She says she wants a man and monogamy and I've made her feel things she didn't know she was capable of feeling, that she has felt mostly mediocre in the past, so I need to realize why would she be wasting her time and mine, and just enjoy the present. Any further advice would be appreciated. Thanks 

[glows]

4 hours ago, Charles34 said:

Thank you for the reply, I think my main insecurities stem from the fact in my last relationship which lasted a long time we had a severe lack of intimacy, and the relationship before that I was cheated on. I have never been with someone who has dated both men and women before so I guess it's also new waters to navigate. She has been with more men than women, roughly 2-1 in ratio but had longer relationships with a couple women in particular when she was younger. I just want to be enough for her, and she says she has felt her sexuality shift and that it can be fluid in nature and she wants a man, a future with a man etc. We have had an incredible connection in our five months so far together, I know it is new, but the intimacy is fantastic, the communication and connection is great, she says she has never felt that before with anyone. So I think I need to just get out of my own way and enjoy it day to day and try my best to live in the present.. Any advice would be greatly appreciated from your perspective. Thanks 

If I can be very frank with you both of you are going too deep into her past. Please stop. It’s self destructive to your present and future together and you’re overanalyzing details that have zero bearing on her feelings for you now. You’re assuming you may not be good enough - you will have to pull yourself together and be more confident in yourself because this is extremely unattractive. She will eventually dump you and then it will complete the self-fulfilling prophecy you may have in your head that people leave you all the time like the way your exes cheated or hurt you with lack of intimacy. It is draining and inappropriate for a new partner to have to keep reassuring you because of YOUR issues. Just stop with all this over the top analysis of her past or her sexuality.

Take your time. Get to know her. If you don’t like her break it off. Don’t wait passively for someone to end an unenjoyable relationship or crumble to bits here overanalyzing her past relationships. Yes definitely live in the present.

Edited November 25, 2023 by glows

[Charles34]

20 minutes ago, glows said:

If I can be very frank with you both of you are going too deep into her past. Please stop. It’s self destructive to your present and future together and you’re overanalyzing details that have zero bearing on her feelings for you now. You’re assuming you may not be good enough - you will have to pull yourself together and be more confident in yourself because this is extremely unattractive. She will eventually dump you and then it will complete the self-fulfilling prophecy you may have in your head that people leave you all the time like the way your exes cheated or hurt you with lack of intimacy. It is draining and inappropriate for a new partner to have to keep reassuring you because of YOUR issues. Just stop with all this over the top analysis of her past or her sexuality.

Take your time. Get to know her. If you don’t like her break it off. Don’t wait passively for someone to end an unenjoyable relationship or crumble to bits here overanalyzing her past relationships. Yes definitely live in the present.

Thank you for the reply. I am trying my best, I know it is irrational. She has definitely shown she is very into me, and we've had a lot of fun and enjoyed each other's company and had 10/10 intimacy. I just need to get out of my own way, you are definitely right. I am usually a pretty confident guy, so feeling this hard and actually being into someone ( unlike just going through the motions with my ex for several years) has been scary but also exciting. I feel like she downplayed that side of her when we initially talked about it, it just made me feel like maybe now that she's getting a bit older she's settling for a guy cause its easier or whatever, but if she didn't want to be with me, I am sure that she wouldn't. I am trying very hard to make her happy, I don't bring these issues up with her, when we are together I have been doing a good job of enjoying the moment, but sometimes my mind wanders, and I picture if she would like secretly prefer to be with a woman. Thanks again. 

[Charles34]

24 minutes ago, glows said:

If I can be very frank with you both of you are going too deep into her past. Please stop. It’s self destructive to your present and future together and you’re overanalyzing details that have zero bearing on her feelings for you now. You’re assuming you may not be good enough - you will have to pull yourself together and be more confident in yourself because this is extremely unattractive. She will eventually dump you and then it will complete the self-fulfilling prophecy you may have in your head that people leave you all the time like the way your exes cheated or hurt you with lack of intimacy. It is draining and inappropriate for a new partner to have to keep reassuring you because of YOUR issues. Just stop with all this over the top analysis of her past or her sexuality.

Take your time. Get to know her. If you don’t like her break it off. Don’t wait passively for someone to end an unenjoyable relationship or crumble to bits here overanalyzing her past relationships. Yes definitely live in the present.

from your perspective as someone who identifies as bi at least to some degree, you think a woman could be totally happy with a man? You say you were married, did you find yourself longing for the same sex, or would it be comparable to a heterosexuals woman potentially desiring another man? 

[glows]

54 minutes ago, Charles34 said:

Thank you for the reply. I am trying my best, I know it is irrational. She has definitely shown she is very into me, and we've had a lot of fun and enjoyed each other's company and had 10/10 intimacy. I just need to get out of my own way, you are definitely right. I am usually a pretty confident guy, so feeling this hard and actually being into someone ( unlike just going through the motions with my ex for several years) has been scary but also exciting. I feel like she downplayed that side of her when we initially talked about it, it just made me feel like maybe now that she's getting a bit older she's settling for a guy cause its easier or whatever, but if she didn't want to be with me, I am sure that she wouldn't. I am trying very hard to make her happy, I don't bring these issues up with her, when we are together I have been doing a good job of enjoying the moment, but sometimes my mind wanders, and I picture if she would like secretly prefer to be with a woman. Thanks again. 

Just stay on track with your relationship and focus on who she is as a person. Is she a good person someone you see a future with, is she reliable and trustworthy, do your goals and beliefs match or are compatible. I don’t know why you think she’s downplaying her past. It’s obviously going to be awkward telling a current partner details about past relationships. People don’t want to hurt their current partner waxing poetic about exes and these types of convos should be limited and within reason. The more you keep digging for info about her past the more and more weird it gets and then you think she’s downplaying or hiding parts of herself. Don’t let this ruin a good thing. Good you’re not letting this dominate your conversations or time together.

Unless there’s something really strange or you just can’t add up pieces of her story or get a clear idea of what she’s about this is too much overthinking. I’d give it a month or two to decide whether you can trust this person as you’ve already dated 5 months. If you still don’t trust her then end this and move on and date someone you can trust.

58 minutes ago, Charles34 said:

from your perspective as someone who identifies as bi at least to some degree, you think a woman could be totally happy with a man? You say you were married, did you find yourself longing for the same sex, or would it be comparable to a heterosexuals woman potentially desiring another man? 

Absolutely not. I was 100% in love with my ex husband from beginning to end and even some time after. I never once fantasized or thought about other men or women. I was very much deeply in love with the person. As far as I know he was confident in that as well and did not ever bring up my past or ask questions whether I was thinking about same sex. I think you’ve been traumatized by the cheating of your ex and it’s getting mixed up with this bisexual issue.

[Charles34]

1 minute ago, glows said:

Just stay on track with your relationship and focus on who she is as a person. Is she a good person someone you see a future with, is she reliable and trustworthy, do your goals and beliefs match or are compatible. I don’t know why you think she’s downplaying her past. It’s obviously going to be awkward telling a current partner details about past relationships. People don’t want to hurt their current partner waxing poetic about exes and these types of convos should be limited and within reason. The more you keep digging for info about her past the more and more weird it gets and then you think she’s downplaying or hiding parts of herself. Don’t let this ruin a good thing. Good you’re not letting this dominate your conversations or time together.

Unless there’s something really strange or you just can’t add up pieces of her story or get a clear idea of what she’s about this is too much overthinking. I’d give it a month or two to decide whether you can trust this person as you’ve already dated 5 months. If you still don’t trust her then end this and move on and date someone you can trust.

Absolutely not. I was 100% in love with my ex husband from beginning to end and even some time after. I never once fantasized or thought about other men or women. I was very much deeply in love with the person. As far as I know he was confident in that as well and did not ever bring up my past or ask questions whether I was thinking about same sex. I think you’ve been traumatized by the cheating of your ex and it’s getting mixed up with this bisexual issue.

I think you are right. It really messed me up for a while, then my last relationship created a whole new string of issues due to a severe lack of intimacy. So far my new girlfriend and I have incredible sex, she says its the best she's ever had and I believe it, we are both very into each other. I need to focus on the present and future and not look backwards, I really appreciate your time. I am well aware this is a me issue. I am also a very accepting person and non judgemental, I work in mental health, but I possibly had preconceived notions about what it means to be bisexual, or at least never really thought about it.. since I have been falling for this girl so hard I can't help but picture her intimately with women and enjoying it more than being with me, even though she has told me this is not the case.  Thank you for your words of wisdom. I know if I just let this relationship go over my insecurities, we could be giving up a potentially great thing. We had an amazing night together last night with her mom and her moms boyfriend, everything feels so good, just need to move forward.

[Charles34]

5 minutes ago, glows said:

Just stay on track with your relationship and focus on who she is as a person. Is she a good person someone you see a future with, is she reliable and trustworthy, do your goals and beliefs match or are compatible. I don’t know why you think she’s downplaying her past. It’s obviously going to be awkward telling a current partner details about past relationships. People don’t want to hurt their current partner waxing poetic about exes and these types of convos should be limited and within reason. The more you keep digging for info about her past the more and more weird it gets and then you think she’s downplaying or hiding parts of herself. Don’t let this ruin a good thing. Good you’re not letting this dominate your conversations or time together.

Unless there’s something really strange or you just can’t add up pieces of her story or get a clear idea of what she’s about this is too much overthinking. I’d give it a month or two to decide whether you can trust this person as you’ve already dated 5 months. If you still don’t trust her then end this and move on and date someone you can trust.

Absolutely not. I was 100% in love with my ex husband from beginning to end and even some time after. I never once fantasized or thought about other men or women. I was very much deeply in love with the person. As far as I know he was confident in that as well and did not ever bring up my past or ask questions whether I was thinking about same sex. I think you’ve been traumatized by the cheating of your ex and it’s getting mixed up with this bisexual issue.

Probably about a month in we had a bit of a history talk, not too in depth but I just asked if she'd dated girls, initially she said "a couple 3 somes a long time ago" downplaying it for sure, and then I saw from a very old social media post she was tagged in that she clearly had a relationship with a girl. She did tell me about it after I inquired just out of curiosity, then asked if shed dated other girls and she said there's been a few and we discussed it and she said she has dated both but wants to be with a man, and always knew even then she wanted to end up with a man. She definitely downplayed it at first, she said she was put on the spot and I believe that and don't hold it against her whatsoever as we've had some good conversations since. She also has some serious trauma through her late teens with a couple guys so maybe that shaped her journey as well, maybe not. Either way she is a great girl and she makes me feel really special and I really want this to work. 

[glows]

It sounds like she lied at first. I don’t know why she lied saying a couple of threesomes when she later mentioned she was in a relationship with at least one woman and dated a few. 

People lie or omit things at the start of new relationships because they don’t want to be misunderstood or hurt their chances with someone new they’re seeing(believing they might be judged negatively perhaps). She shouldn’t have lied to you at the start but it’s also an odd question to ask if she’s dated girls/other women. It’s very direct and can be felt as suddenly invasive if she’s not used to that. I think her lying put you on edge and understandably so (I’d be annoyed at first) but I also think your question was kind of edgy and she might not have been ready for that. Either way you both seem to have straightened out the truth/facts about dating history and hope you can both let the past rest. 

Im glad you both had a lovely time this week and have many more enjoyable days full of nothing but love and laughter to come. Just love one another and focus on each other as people, be kind and always honest and generous with your love. This was so nice to read. 

[Charles34]

1 hour ago, glows said:

It sounds like she lied at first. I don’t know why she lied saying a couple of threesomes when she later mentioned she was in a relationship with at least one woman and dated a few. 

People lie or omit things at the start of new relationships because they don’t want to be misunderstood or hurt their chances with someone new they’re seeing(believing they might be judged negatively perhaps). She shouldn’t have lied to you at the start but it’s also an odd question to ask if she’s dated girls/other women. It’s very direct and can be felt as suddenly invasive if she’s not used to that. I think her lying put you on edge and understandably so (I’d be annoyed at first) but I also think your question was kind of edgy and she might not have been ready for that. Either way you both seem to have straightened out the truth/facts about dating history and hope you can both let the past rest. 

Im glad you both had a lovely time this week and have many more enjoyable days full of nothing but love and laughter to come. Just love one another and focus on each other as people, be kind and always honest and generous with your love. This was so nice to read. 

Thank you very much for your advice and words of wisdom. Ultimately I just want to be enough for someone and I am normally a pretty confident guy who likes to think I have a lot to offer a potential partner. Just need to work on myself and live in the present. So thank you.  I know I will be okay whether this relationship goes on or if it ended life goes on. 

[flitzanu]

i think one thing being overlooked here, is, you're concerned about her wanting to leave you for another woman, but she can just as easily leave you for another man.

 

may sound silly, but i'd suggest you watch an older movie called Chasing Amy, as it does (comically) touch on your particular hangups.  maybe it will help give you a different perspective.