Should I let go or wait?

[TomasKr]

Hello everyone,

I am stuck in a strange situation. 6 months ago I have met an amazing woman through work. We immediately clicked, had amazing conversations and suddenly I found myself liking her. At that moment she was considering divorcing her husband and even got separated. She has been separated ever since and has many times told her H about upcoming divorce. We started bonding and following her separation and decision to divorce suddenly found ourselves spending tons of time together, becoming best friends and passionate lovers. It was intense feelings, yet we felt calm, understood and secure in each other's presence. Had some many fun and lasting moments, talked about future together. After several great months first cracks started showing up in her decision to divorce as she started to doubt herself. My W left me, thus I thought this is just a normal nostalgia stage as I experienced something from my W when she was initiating divorce. However, lately she has started contacted her STBXH once again and strongly reconsidering R. We tried to end things multiple times during the last month, however we keep finding ourselves back in each other hands. I always thought I want a person who chooses me fully and wanted to actually let her work on her R. She also wanted to give him another chance as he promised to change his previous toxic behavior and start treating her right, showing empathy and loving treatment. Yet, not even days passes and we keep coming back to one another. Either to spend fun time together or either have heartfelt conversations about us, this situation, other things in life. It seems that every time we try to end things, we only comeback even stronger. Our emotional connection becomes deeper and eventually it leads to even better physical connection. 

She is struggling right now what to do and whom to choose. It bothers me so much to see her crying and being unable to either recommit to marriage or finally end it. Even this week she told me she simply can not lose me and it tears her apart. We are still quite young (both in late 20's) without any kids, I am single right now. We talk openly about this whole situation and we are supporting each other deeply. We see each other almost everyday and almost not a day passes without a laugh and a deep conversation about life.

I understand that this is unfavorable situation and I feel guilty to have caused this damaged. I keep burying myself for the damage I caused her and her spouse. I really tried to let her go and refocus on myself, but somehow I also can not simply lose her. I still consider her my best friend and lover. I am truly lost what to do at this point. 

Have anyone found themselves in similar situation? Any advice what would be the best course of action? In one article, I have read that the most respectful thing would be to let her go and let them work on their marriage. Either it will crumble or reconciliation will happen without my interference. Only this might destroy me, especially if after weeks/months she comes back again stating that she misses us...

Please help with your kind advice. I am ready to face harsh truth if you want to criticize me. I am truly ashamed, guilty, yet I feel deep friendship and feelings for her. 

Thank you.

[Wiseman2]

44 minutes ago, TomasKr said:

 I have met an amazing woman through work. She has been separated ever since and has many times told her H about upcoming divorce. 

Sorry this is happening. Do you see each other daily at work? Does she live with her husband? 

Unfortunately you are a shoulder to cry on, free therapist and substitute spouse at the moment. Your relationship is about their relationship even though you may talk about how you're going to ride off into the sunset together.

Since you seem quite invested, reflect if you are happy being in the periphery. Keep in mind, unavailable people choose other unavailable people. Try to do some soul searching.

In the meantime if she starts crying on your shoulder about her husband, suggest she go to a qualified therapist and marriage therapy, rather than dragging you through their troubles. 

[TomasKr]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Do you see each other daily at work? Does she live with her husband? 

Unfortunately you are a shoulder to cry on, free therapist and substitute spouse at the moment. Your relationship is about their relationship even though you may talk about how you're going to ride off into the sunset together.

Since you seem quite invested, reflect if you are happy being in the periphery. Keep in mind, unavailable people choose other unavailable people. Try to do some soul searching.

In the meantime if she starts crying on your shoulder about her husband, suggest she go to a qualified therapist and marriage therapy, rather than dragging you through their troubles. 

Thank you for your comment. Yes, we see each other daily and have to communicate several times during the day.

I was actually quite available to my other partners in the past. This is strange and untouched territory for me, perhaps that I the reason why I am unsure how to act.

She is doing qualified therapy, but quite hesitantly. We are discussing it back and forth, but she decided to do it with after receiving lots of support from my side. 

Edited November 20, 2023 by TomasKr

[S2B]

Do not see her alone until her divorce is finalized. 
it may never be finalized.

stop talking to her about her personal life!!! She should be discussing everything with her husband - not you.

Edited November 20, 2023 by S2B

[BaileyB]

This is exactly why it’s not a wise decision to date someone who has recently ended a relationship/marriage - there is a lot still to resolve, and in this case… there is a lot of unfinished business. 

My advice, tell this woman to contact you when the divorce papers are signed. Until then, you need to find the strength ti walk away.

if it’s meant to be, it will be. But, as you’ve learned, separation is not divorce. Until she has filed for divorced and signed the papers, she is not available to be in a relationship with anyone. Full stop. 

[aurorat]

As per math data model demonstrated here :https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FKtw-PiQH2A  The most stable relationship might be to choose some one less perfect than expected?

[Progress99]

I'm currently in an almost identical situation as you are. Met at work, she struggles with making a decision as to who to "choose", states she is in love with me and I'm everything her H isn't, and she has been unhappy in her relationship for a very long time. She had talks about her needs not being met with her H but it seems like nothing changed between them as projected yet she still struggles with making a decision. Recently, she disclosed to her H that she was having an affair with me. Her family pressured her into working things out with him even though deep inside this isn't the decision she wanted to make for herself. She ended things with me as she "wants" to work things out with him and is fully aware that this can go either way. My suggestion is move on and implement NC immediately. This is survival at this point, if this is meant to be then nothing will stop it. 

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, Progress99 said:

Recently, she disclosed to her H that she was having an affair with me. Her family pressured her into working things out with him even though deep inside this isn't the decision she wanted to make for herself.

I’m assuming that she told you this and unfortunately, you don’t actually know it to be true. What do you know to be true? You know it to be true that she is capable of lying to and betraying a man. If she has been lying to her husband, you really should assume that she is also capable of lying to you. 

Unfortunateky, this kind of thing is very typical in affairs. She is not happy in her marriage, so she makes the passive/conflict avoidant decision to have an affair rather than to fix the problems in her marriage or make the decision to divorce. Likewise, she has made the decision to work on her marriage, but she tells you that it’s not the decision she wants to make, she was pressured by their family. 

She is a grown adult and as a grown adult, she has the capacity to make her own decisions. Don’t believe for a moment that she isn’t making the best decision for her at this time. Unlikely that she will be honest with you because she is so obviously conflict avoidant. 

As an example, there are women who come on this board and swear that their affair partner didn’t really want to get married - his girlfriend really wanted to get married, or it just seemed like it was expected, and then… it was all planned and he didn’t feel that he would back out - even though, he knew it wasn’t what he wanted. What’s more, women swear that their affair partner didn’t want to have a child with his wife, she really wanted a baby and he couldn’t say no. And then, she really wanted another and he couldn’t say no. 

Mature adults make their own decisions and don’t blame shift in this way. These kind of statements are the kind of thing married people say when they are trying to explain the fact that their words don’t match their actions. And, when someone’s words don’t match their actions - believe their actions.
 

5 hours ago, Progress99 said:

She ended things with me as she "wants" to work things out with him and is fully aware that this can go either way.

I think she has made her choice. This may still go “either way,” but I think you need to think long and hard before taking her back, should she turn up on your doorstep again. 

Edited November 22, 2023 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

On 11/20/2023 at 3:55 PM, TomasKr said:

We are discussing it back and forth, but she decided to do it with after receiving lots of support from my side. 

Please withdraw your "support". How can the other man "support" her decision to try to work on her marriage? It worked when you were both having an affair and on equal footing.

But now that your wife left you, the fun of lying, sneaking, deceiving etc is gone. She doesn't want a relationship, she wanted an affair. 

Please free yourself from this. It's difficult because this is a workplace romance. However you were ready willing and able to leave your marriage but she is not. 

[Progress99]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

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If she has been lying to her husband, you really should assume that she is also capable of lying to you. 

She has proven to be capable of being a lot of things and telling the truth is certainly not her forte. 
 

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Don’t believe for a moment that she isn’t making the best decision for her at this time. Unlikely that she will be honest with you because she is so obviously conflict avoidant. 

She is saving herself and no one else, it's a personally trait I've seen in her in the short amount of time that I spent with her.

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I think she has made her choice. This may still go “either way,” but I think you need to think long and hard before taking her back, should she turn up on your doorstep again. 

At this point if feels as if I've dodged a bullet, but when and IF she turns up it would be extremely interesting to hear what she has to say. 

 

Edited November 22, 2023 by Progress99

[BaileyB]

Great quote on instagram - you are not fully grown up until you know how to communicate, apologize, be truthful, and take accountability without blaming someone else…

2 hours ago, Progress99 said:

when and IF she turns up it would be extremely interesting to hear what she has to say. 

It would indeed, but it won’t really matter if you have decided that you are done with this drama. It sounds to me like you have already made the decision. 

[TomasKr]

19 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please withdraw your "support". How can the other man "support" her decision to try to work on her marriage? It worked when you were both having an affair and on equal footing.

But now that your wife left you, the fun of lying, sneaking, deceiving etc is gone. She doesn't want a relationship, she wanted an affair. 

Please free yourself from this. It's difficult because this is a workplace romance. However you were ready willing and able to leave your marriage but she is not. 

Apologies for the confusion. I am only supporting her in her decision to do personal counselling. Basically work on herself.

I did not leave my W for this relationship. I was divorced some time before this connection began. Basically when I started this I was single and this woman was the only on my radar.