Broke up because she (25/F) was friends with some past dating app matches. Unsure if I (27/M) was too hasty

[LostInHisOwnWorld]

Was dating a girl for about 2 months. She was new to the city and we were pretty much smitten from the first date. Very lovey-dovey, lots of physical chemistry, she texted me a lot and even told her friends about me. After a long period of dating struggles, I was on cloud nine.

But the last time she stayed over, I noticed her checking her phone and getting texts from a guy, offering to bring her some stuff. I remembered the dude's name from a previous conversation about a date she'd been on before me that didn't work out, so this set off alarm bells.

I didn't bring it up in person because I felt awkward, but I text her afterwards and asked if there was another guy. She admitted that she still talked to some guys she'd been on dates with in her old city and the current one, but that they were just friends and she had no interest in them. They text each other regularly.

We back-and-forthed a bit, but eventually I just said that her staying friends with guys she had met on dating apps made me uncomfortable since we were in a relationship. She said what I said was reasonable but that one of these guys had helped her out a lot since coming to the new city, and she wasn't happy having to cut contact with him. She also felt that we'd known each along enough for me to trust that she was taking our relationship seriously.

I told to her think about it and let me know. The next day, she text me saying that she didn't see this working out. I said that's fine and wished her good luck.

Since then, I've had mixed feelings. I really don't think talking with these guys was appropriate... But we got along really well and she had never once been secretive with her phone and I never caught her in a lie. She was very open about her friendships with these men, and now I wonder if I'd acted hastily, and whether I should have waited and maybe even met some of these dudes to get a feel for their intentions...

Would like some stranger's opinions on this situation. Thanks.

 

tldr - Was dating a girl for 2 months but discovered she was still texting and even hanging out with some past dating-app matches. She swore it was strictly platonic and felt I didn't trust her, but I stuck to my boundary and we eventually ended things. Starting to wonder if I'd been too hasty about it.

Edited November 20, 2023 by LostInHisOwnWorld

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, LostInHisOwnWorld said:

But the last time she stayed over, I noticed her checking her phone and getting texts from a guy, 

Did you ever have the exclusive conversation? If she's still talking to and meeting guys from dating apps it seems like you are not exclusive. She may not be sleeping with them but let's face it, she's still on dating apps and chatting and seeing with various men. 

[LostInHisOwnWorld]

To clarify, yes, we did have the exclusivity talk after our first few dates. We both agreed to it.

[d0nnivain]

It's too late now.  

I'm generally with you that keeping EXs around is a bad thing.  Here if you trusted her I think meeting the guy friend 1st would have given you better info about the nature of their relationship.  If it really was simply platonic that might have been OK but he may have been an orbiter, helping her & hanging around in the hopes that she would figure out he's the One.  

You will never know for sure now so go back to your gut.  Let her go.  Move on.  

[Gaeta]

You are not wrong or right. It's your right to not want a girlfriend that chats with men she met before you but you have to live with the consequences or losing potentially good partners.

My best friend of 15 years is a man I met on a dating app. We went for a coffee and hit it off as 'friends'. Him & I never kissed or even hold hands, we established right there at the table we did not fit the profile for a relationship but could be friends. Him & I supported each other through thick and thin over the past 15 years. We witnessed our children grow into adulthood, rejoiced for each other new relationship and cried on each other's shoulder when our heart got broke, and it got broken several times over the years. 

Maybe you were denying her that type of friend. 

[LostInHisOwnWorld]

Maybe. I dunno... I have been dumped for another guy before, so I definitely have some insecurities.

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, LostInHisOwnWorld said:

Maybe. I dunno... I have been dumped for another guy before, so I definitely have some insecurities.

So you need to take care of that because it will poison your future relationships.

I was cheated on in my last relationship and l don't see cheating everywhere. One cheater does not make all men cheaters. 

You were dumped and you survived and moved on. If it happens again you will survive and move on again. It's part of life.

[Alpacalia]

I agree with Gaeta, it is ultimately up to you whether you are comfortable with her continuing to communicate with these men. If it is a deal breaker for you, then it is ultimately for the best that the relationship ended.

This girl may have just been looking for genuine friendship with these men. It's different because she met these men through a dating app, but it doesn't necessarily mean that her intentions were romantic. In any case, she was being open and honest with you about her friendships with these men and wasn't trying to hide anything.

So if you do decide to give the relationship another chance, it may be worth considering trusting her and possibly even meeting some of these men to see for yourself that their relationship is purely platonic. But ultimately, it is up to you and what you are comfortable with in a relationship.

[Maldives]

I think what you have found out through this was that she valued the friendship of these guys more so over the relationship with you so it's a no brainer no you were not hasty at all. She actually walked away from you it's not like you gave her an ultimatum. 

[an0nym0us123]

11 hours ago, LostInHisOwnWorld said:

Maybe. I dunno... I have been dumped for another guy before, so I definitely have some insecurities.

Been there done that, and guess who I was dumped for? The guy she was "just friends" with.

You did the right thing, and it's not insecurities about the past, it's you've developed the internal strength to enforce your boundaries no matter the cost. All I'd say is you were a little muddled about how you went about it, better to have told her straight that you don't tolerate your partner messaging "past dates", rather than say you are "uncomfortable", makes you look unsure of yourself.

These guys who are helping her out have only one thing in mind, don't be fooled. She had them hovering around incase they were needed which is disrespectful to you and your relationship. 

It was a bit of a no win situation for you once you discovered this, if she had agreed to stop talking to them you would have been labeled controlling. 

I hope you find someone who doesn't feel the need to chat with her past or present tinder matches.

 

 

[ZA Dater]

Depending on how attracted you were to here and how much you enjoyed spending time with her, yes in my view you were perhaps hasty and clearly did not trust here to be simple friends and I can understand that. Ultimately a decision like this is neither good nor bad but rather taken in the context of past experiences.

If this sort of scenario does not work for you, then yes you made the right decision.

[Acacia98]

Honestly, if a guy I was dating mentioned that he texted and hang out with women (plural) he'd met on a dating app and they were all just platonic friends, I'd wish him well and move on. I can totally understand meeting one or two platonic friends from the dating setup, especially if you're new in town and don't have too many opportunities to meet people in general. But anything more than that starts to look like a pattern... I'd think that my guy was in the habit of collecting orbiters. Of course, I might be wrong. But I would be able to live with that. 

Edited November 21, 2023 by Acacia98

[Ami1uwant]

On 11/20/2023 at 3:44 PM, LostInHisOwnWorld said:

Maybe. I dunno... I have been dumped for another guy before, so I definitely have some insecurities.

I’ve said this before in other threads….men and women can meet thru a dating site and be platonic friends.

 

you can find out after a few dates that they are not a good fit for you but are good and decent people.  Why no relationship…(1) don’t feel the attraction, (2) different points in life, (3) disagreement on key things like religion, wanting kids, diet types, where. you want to be in 20 years, (4) some things you don’t want in a spouse but don’t care if a friend does this or is like/ into  this.

[Wiseman2]

On 11/20/2023 at 6:03 AM, LostInHisOwnWorld said:

the last time she stayed over, I noticed her checking her phone and getting texts from a guy, offering to bring her some stuff. 

If she's lying in bed with you scrolling through dating apps, it may be time to rethink the relationship. 

[glows]

It’s not like she can’t have male friends. It’s more or less an unspoken rule for the most part not to be cavorting and chatting with ex dates and slightly distasteful doing so from the same app or dating site you both met on. I thought this was common sense and basic decency, courtesy and respect for the one you’re dating or in a relationship with. 

You’re just too different and don’t see things the same way. I doubt you’d have felt any better after meeting him. You handled it very maturely without telling her what to do or sounding controlling. You both disagreed, never lied or manipulated one another and you respectfully went your separate ways. Very sorry it didn’t work out.

[Alpacalia]

I think the issue is it's multiple men she is friends with off dating apps, the offering to bring stuff over to her house, and the constant texting.

I recently became reacquainted with someone that I had been on one date with over a year ago (met not through a dating app) and our contact is very brief, not often and (1000% don't have any romantic chemistry), however I can see how it can be construed as inappropriate to others because it was someone I had a slight history with. While I see the benefit of the doubt and such - I do understand why it may be a "boundary/limit" that you are not comfortable with.

In real life - dating apps are not considered a 'friend making' app or social media and that is essentially why you (and others) set the same limits. Some people however choose their friends over their partner, and I think you using your judgement on what it was could be seen as appropriate. The reality is you are allowed to set boundaries, and her response is a split of the reaction you will get... some people will understand right off the bat, some people will fight the boundaries. Sounds like she did the latter.

It also sounds like she's overly chatty with these men 24/7. It's one thing to remain friends with past flames especially since she's relatively new to town, but it's sounds like she was on the apps well before you met and even the names of current suitors were being thrown around prior to you becoming official. Most people would consider heavy chatter with past flames chatting. That is where I would have a harder time getting over it as it's just too much activity, energy and involvement with past flames along with the fact there's just too many exes overextending themselves not just as friends but potential competition by trying to buy their way close to her.

Edited November 22, 2023 by Alpacalia

[an0nym0us123]

On 11/22/2023 at 2:56 AM, Ami1uwant said:

I’ve said this before in other threads….men and women can meet thru a dating site and be platonic friends.

 

you can find out after a few dates that they are not a good fit for you but are good and decent people.  Why no relationship…(1) don’t feel the attraction, (2) different points in life, (3) disagreement on key things like religion, wanting kids, diet types, where. you want to be in 20 years, (4) some things you don’t want in a spouse but don’t care if a friend does this or is like/ into  this.

Some people are okay with their partner having exs as friends or people they went on dates with. Others wouldn't be happy about it and entitled to walk away if they so chose. 

Once upon a time I might not have minded myself but over time I hardend my attitude to it, in the ops position I would have left as well. 

There is a good chance if the OP was acting the same way his ex would have flipped

[Alpacalia]

26 minutes ago, an0nym0us123 said:

There is a good chance if the OP was acting the same way his ex would have flipped

Yea, you're probably right. There was a "Friends" episode ..my favorite show.. (oh, Matthew Perry ) where Rachel befriended her male co-worker and Ross was super jealous. So Ross arranges a play date for his son and a stripper that has a child that he met at a bachelor party and Rachael gets jealous... so in a way that kind of validates what you're saying.

Edited November 24, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Gaeta]

Someone you met on a dating app and brfriended is not an ex. 

An option would have been to accept she made a real friend out of that but the other orbiters had to go.

OP: are you and her still talking?

[smackie9]

You know what, it doesn't matter. If you felt uncomfortable about it, and it goes against what you believe in then this relationship wasn't for you, plain and simple. Stick to your values, and keep looking.

[Ami1uwant]

7 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Someone you met on a dating app and brfriended is not an ex. 

An option would have been to accept she made a real friend out of that but the other orbiters had to go.

OP: are you and her still talking?

For Me over the years of online I had made friends with people ( not all  dating sites) and met them in person. One person I met online was a traveling nurse who I talked to quite a bit. When she finally settled down near where I was living ( she had a bunch of friends in the area). We got together but it was purely friendship related. 
 

I have dates with people where we have gotten along great but we had some fundamental difference ehrn it comes to having a relationship that is a non issue in friendship.
 

I have a belief that you have a window of opportunity to start a relationship. If that passes by, trying to start one is very difficult and risky.

[Lotsgoingon]

On 11/21/2023 at 11:31 PM, Alpacalia said:

I think the issue is it's multiple men she is friends with off dating apps, the offering to bring stuff over to her house, and the constant texting.

Totally this!