Is my ex- girlfriend in a rebound relationship?

[Andas]

If what we had was over why still cling to it, she wanted to fix things too.. but every time that guy appeared she went to him… The problem is that she has like a switch, when she is alone, she understands that she misses me and needs me. But when that guy appears again the switch flips again. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Andas said:

I wouldnt say it these relationships dont last because, most people in my country and older people that i know. Already had kids our age. 

That's fine. Please free yourself then to date women who have integrity, honesty and aren't this dramatic and insincere. 

You seem quite hung up on her but she easily walked away from you to play around. This is what you would consider marrying?

Please rethink your criteria for appropriate GF material. Hooking up with any dude  who happened along any time because she gets "lonely" is not a quality characteristic.

If you free yourself from her you would finally be able to meet quality women. Please raise the bar as far as who you date. 

[glows]

1 hour ago, Andas said:

No there was no cheating, when i was working abroad with my friend(we got that work because of my ex's father). We lost our first job, and i told her father about what the agency told us, why they fired us( the reasons were a complete joke). It all started when her father asked the guys at the agency what happened. They told him the reasons, but they were different now:), so he told them to his wife, wife to my ex. I told my ex why they fired us beforehand. But the next day, we had an argument with my ex, because of differing information. she told me that i was worthless, she apologized for saying that, but not for choosing to believe her father over me. Her father forgot to tell, what the agency told us. When i went to sleep i got a call from an unknown number, he introduced himself as a guy that knows me from the past, he told me that she was meeting some other dude at our hometown right now. Even though i knew  she was in another city. I was so fed up and exhausted, that the next morning i deleted her nickname from the messenger and told her i wanted to marry her. But then i went to work, calmed down, and told her(not in accusatory manner) that i got a call this night and that guy told me that you were meeting some other dude. After that it all went down hill.

So no cheating but you got a random call from an unknown man saying your gf was meeting another guy in another city. Can you reconcile this please - do you suspect she cheated or what? Why did it go down hill? 

And realistically here I’m reading you’re still studying and somewhat dependent on your parents, both of you - this is normal for your ages. The problem is potential issue with her father and his contacts. You both got fired from a job that he got for you both but the reasons were bogus. This is confusing and please be realistic if her parents are resentful or don’t like you due to this work issue and getting fired. Not clear exactly what happened.

Then there is this few months guy. Are you actually going to wait for her nice round numbers of 2-3 years when there may be chance to get back together? Is this something you would do and hang on? I noticed in a recent post you’ve started to distance yourself and not check social media and delete her from Snapchat. I think that’s a healthier start to moving on from her. 

About the switch and fear of being alone this phobia or fear probably tops the list for billions of people around the world. People are social creatures. She’s not a unique cookie with hapless psych problems. I do think she is manipulating people into believing she’s a victim and her need plays to people like yourself. You LIKE her needing you so each time she flips the switch it’s not a rational reaction from you to stay or walk away. You react to it like it’s a need. Just figure out why you want to be needed so much. Maybe you have a fear of being alone too. You both seem very similar.

Edited November 18, 2023 by glows

[basil67]

6 hours ago, Andas said:

And i know for a fact that when we are left alone completely like she was, that is when we understand what we want the most, whom we missed the most. I told her to remember what she felt when she was alone.

How do you know this for a fact?   I would suggest that when we are alone or lonely and aren't coping with being alone, we can make bad decisions just to fill the void.  The best decisions are made when we are of sound mind - and she is not currently of sound mind.  

To take a line from The Whitlams song: "There's no aphrodisiac like loneliness"

[Andas]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's fine. Please free yourself then to date women who have integrity, honesty and aren't this dramatic and insincere. 

You seem quite hung up on her but she easily walked away from you to play around. This is what you would consider marrying?

Please rethink your criteria for appropriate GF material. Hooking up with any dude  who happened along any time because she gets "lonely" is not a quality characteristic.

If you free yourself from her you would finally be able to meet quality women. Please raise the bar as far as who you date. 

I will have that in mind. 
The reason ive created this post was to get an opinion if this is a rebound or not. I would be lying if i said that i dont want her back right now, we had really something special in those 3 years, but i am appalled how can someone behave for 3 years like an adult and then do these kinds of things.

Funny thing she told me in those two weeks, she regrets that everything happened in this way, said that she F up everything, the decision to break up, and i think she also meant to get together with that guy as well. But when we met, all the blame shifted unto me again, told me because of the mistake i made she cant look at me the same way, funny because when we got together second time we did have a great time, and even intimacy, she was even sad, because i had to return to the city where i was studying. 

[Andas]

10 minutes ago, glows said:

So no cheating but you got a random call from an unknown man saying your gf was meeting another guy in another city. Can you reconcile this please - do you suspect she cheated or what? Why did it go down hill? 

And realistically here I’m reading you’re still studying and somewhat dependent on your parents, both of you - this is normal for your ages. The problem is potential issue with her father and his contacts. You both got fired from a job that he got for you both but the reasons were bogus. This is confusing and please be realistic if her parents are resentful or don’t like you due to this work issue and getting fired. Not clear exactly what happened.

Then there is this few months guy. Are you actually going to wait for her nice round numbers of 2-3 years when there may be chance to get back together? Is this something you would do and hang on? I noticed in a recent post you’ve started to distance yourself and not check social media and delete her from Snapchat. I think that’s a healthier start to moving on from her. 

About the switch and fear of being alone this phobia or fear probably tops the list for billions of people around the world. People are social creatures. She’s not a unique cookie with hapless psych problems. I do think she is manipulating people into believing she’s a victim and her need plays to people like yourself. You LIKE her needing you so each time she flips the switch it’s not a rational reaction from you to stay or walk away. You react to it like it’s a need. Just figure out why you want to be needed so much. Maybe you have a fear of being alone too. You both seem very similar.

I am alone for the past 3 months, i do not want to repeat her mistakes, because i did a lot of research about rebounding and so on. I know that it will not end well neither for her in her situationship, neither for me if i get into a relationship right now. Without dealing with that package that our relationship left us. Going into another so soon will F things up even more in the future, because now shes gonna have to deal with the pain of two break ups. 

[Andas]

13 minutes ago, basil67 said:

How do you know this for a fact?   I would suggest that when we are alone or lonely and aren't coping with being alone, we can make bad decisions just to fill the void.  The best decisions are made when we are of sound mind - and she is not currently of sound mind.  

To take a line from The Whitlams song: "There's no aphrodisiac like loneliness"

When we are alone we start to sober up. When she texted me again, she was a grown up person again, but when that guy appeared again. It looks like she got drunk again, her arguments to end things again were like a drunk talking, not based on logic, more like on emotions. 
 

I told her- look we learned our lessons, we have feelings, love, emotional connection, we have everything to start anew. Not rushing of course.

she just started saying that everything is broken etc. 

[basil67]

Just now, Andas said:

When we are alone we start to sober up. When she texted me again, she was a grown up person again, but when that guy appeared again. It looks like she got drunk again, her arguments to end things again were like a drunk talking, not based on logic, more like on emotions. 
 

I told her- look we learned our lessons, we have feelings, love, emotional connection, we have everything to start anew. Not rushing of course.

she just started saying that everything is broken etc. 

So on top of all the other personal mayhem she's got going on, she's also got alcohol abuse issues?   And there's a "we" in that sentence, so what's going on with your alcohol abuse that you only start to sober up when you're alone.   For the record, I'm Australian and we don't judge alcohol use likely, but if if alcohol is so intertwined with your lives and decision making, then there's some serious substance abuse issues going on.

That said, even if she does choose you when sober, it doesn't negate the fact that when she's sober, she's lonely and will look to you simply to fill the gap inside her.

With regards to whether or not he's a rebound, it sounds there is a hole deep in her soul and she'd go for any man who will give her company and fun.  She's a trainwreck. If you ever want to have her back, do not do so without her having undergone some serious therapy for her personal issues.   And get it for yourself too

[Andas]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

So on top of all the other personal mayhem she's got going on, she's also got alcohol abuse issues?   And there's a "we" in that sentence, so what's going on with your alcohol abuse that you only start to sober up when you're alone.   For the record, I'm Australian and we don't judge alcohol use likely, but if if alcohol is so intertwined with your lives and decision making, then there's some serious substance abuse issues going on.

That said, even if she does choose you when sober, it doesn't negate the fact that when she's sober, she's lonely and will look to you simply to fill the gap inside her.

With regards to whether or not he's a rebound, it sounds there is a hole deep in her soul and she'd go for any man who will give her company and fun.  She's a trainwreck. If you ever want to have her back, do not do so without her having undergone some serious therapy for her personal issues.   And get it for yourself too

You misunderstood me, when i said sober up, i meant mentally not like from alcohol abuse but rather, sober up from everything that has happened. And then understand what has happened and understand whom you miss the most, what you need the most.

Edited November 18, 2023 by Andas

[semble]

No girl likes a doormat of a guy. Women are wired to be attracted to a man who is strong, protective, confident and independent.

You're letting her call all the shots, you're the puppet and she's pulling the strings. She breaks up, you beg and plead, she tells you it's over, then she gets lonely,  misses you, bored of the other guy, looks you up and there you are ready to be fed like a hungry dog, willing and eager to eat any scraps of old meat tossed your way.

If you want any chance at all of getting her back, then take control of the situation. Stop being so freaking available every time she snaps her fingers.

Let HER know what it's like to be rejected and feel unimportant. She's still got an attraction for you. It might not be too late to turn this ship around.

 

 

 

[Andas]

5 hours ago, semble said:

No girl likes a doormat of a guy. Women are wired to be attracted to a man who is strong, protective, confident and independent.

You're letting her call all the shots, you're the puppet and she's pulling the strings. She breaks up, you beg and plead, she tells you it's over, then she gets lonely,  misses you, bored of the other guy, looks you up and there you are ready to be fed like a hungry dog, willing and eager to eat any scraps of old meat tossed your way.

If you want any chance at all of getting her back, then take control of the situation. Stop being so freaking available every time she snaps her fingers.

Let HER know what it's like to be rejected and feel unimportant. She's still got an attraction for you. It might not be too late to turn this ship around.

 

 

 

While they are together, it is useless to do something right now.  

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Andas said:

While they are together, it is useless to do something right now.  

Do you really want to be the guy she chooses because the other relationship failed?

[Andas]

10 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Do you really want to be the guy she chooses because the other relationship failed?

I am conflicted on this. Right now i do not know anything.

[ExpatInItaly]

If she only wanted you when she alone, then a reconciliation was always going to fail. 

That isn't grounds to get back together. That's simply her wanting attention and comfort because the guy she really wanted (him) wasn't around. You don't appear to be ready to accept what that means. 

9 hours ago, Andas said:

And then understand what has happened and understand whom you miss the most, what you need the most

This is rather arrogant of you. It's not on you to decide what she needs most. You might not agree with her choices, but it's also not up to you to determine what she wants or needs most in her life. You aren't her and cannot speak for her on her own needs. It's time to check your own presumptions and stay in your lane, man. 

[Andas]

10 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

If she only wanted you when she alone, then a reconciliation was always going to fail. 

That isn't grounds to get back together. That's simply her wanting attention and comfort because the guy she really wanted (him) wasn't around. You don't appear to be ready to accept what that means. 

This is rather arrogant of you. It's not on you to decide what she needs most. You might not agree with her choices, but it's also not up to you to determine what she wants or needs most in her life. You aren't her and cannot speak for her on her own needs. It's time to check your own presumptions and stay in your lane, man. 

“Now i feel, whom do i miss being alone”

That was her words, man.

I do not assume anything, when she was alone she did start to understand what she has lost, 3 weeks straight she was crying, because she missed me. She sobered up from everything that has happened, because all of what she has done those past months is not really her. But then again she got distracted from what matters most. I am a family person, she is too. And to get together with a guy who hooked up with 30 girls before her, and left her for a month did not even try to ask her how she was doing. All of that it is not her. 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, Andas said:

“Now i feel, whom do i miss being alone”

That was her words, man.

So? Her actions tell you she wants to be with this other guy. (And for the record, I am a woman) 

4 minutes ago, Andas said:

And to get together with a guy who hooked up with 30 girls before her, and left her for a month did not even try to ask her how she was doing. All of that it is not her.

Actually, it is. She has changed. She is making different choices and now values different things. She's turned into a walking Red Flag herself. You need to let go of the girl you thought you knew. She has grown up into a different young woman and doesn't want the same things as you do any longer. 

You're so focused on convincing us (and yourself) that her new relationship will fail and that it's you she wants that you are neglecting doing the important work of healing and moving forward. 

[Andas]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

So? Her actions tell you she wants to be with this other guy. (And for the record, I am a woman) 

Actually, it is. She has changed. She is making different choices and now values different things. She's turned into a walking Red Flag herself. You need to let go of the girl you thought you knew. She has grown up into a different young woman and doesn't want the same things as you do any longer. 

You're so focused on convincing us (and yourself) that her new relationship will fail and that it's you she wants that you are neglecting doing the important work of healing and moving forward. 

When i returned from abroad, right before the first time we got back together, she told me herself that being with me was good for her, told me she is a family person and that is what she seeks. She did not change, even when we met last time she told me that she has not changed, and it is true because i sat right next to her and saw it with my own eyes.
You are right, people change when we are alone and heal, reflect upon our mistakes. Without doing so, we are doomed to repeat same mistakes.
And no i am well aware that she does not want me right now, but as i've said she got distracted. And i am well aware that even the rebounds can last longer than 3-6 months.
I created this post, to get an opinion of this story whether it is a rebound or not, i am still unsure. But not to convince the people in this post, or my self.

[ExpatInItaly]

17 minutes ago, Andas said:

I created this post, to get an opinion of this story whether it is a rebound or not

No, it's not a rebound. 

A rebound is for the broken-hearted when they're trying to fill the void left by their ex, usually after getting diumped. That isn't what is going on here, nor the reason she hooked up with him to begin with. 

As I said before, that doesn't mean they will last. But it's not a rebound. 

[Andas]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

No, it's not a rebound. 

A rebound is for the broken-hearted when they're trying to fill the void left by their ex, usually after getting diumped. That isn't what is going on here, nor the reason she hooked up with him to begin with. 

As I said before, that doesn't mean they will last. But it's not a rebound. 

On the other hand, when she was alone and when we met, she was hurting. You cant get over somebody by going under somebody. i would say that it is grass is greener, based upon when she said i need to meet new people, and nobody is getting married there (she meant their relationship). But then again, day later she told me that they are not that long together, so nobody is talking about getting married yet :DD. Eh, it is always uncertainty with her, she does not know what she wants, she has some sort of expectations, and yes i believe she considers me as a second option.
She became a walking red flag for both of us, me and that guy. It is so annoying that she can tell me how she feels, tell me about her problems, tell me the whole story and say the truth. In other words she allowed herself to be vulnerable with me, she trusts me , but not that other guy. She is scared to even tell him about what happened, that she has feelings for me too or anything that happened, he doesnt even know that we met that evening.

[ExpatInItaly]

Look, it's been a month and she hasn't been in touch.

Going around in circles about their relationship or your former relationship doesn't seem to be serving any purpose for you. Is it? 

[Andas]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

Look, it's been a month and she hasn't been in touch.

Going around in circles about their relationship or your former relationship doesn't seem to be serving any purpose for you. Is it? 

i wouldn't expect that she would reach out to me in a month.

but yes you are right.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Andas said:

i wouldn't expect that she would reach out to me in a month.

but yes you are right.

She might not reach out ever again. You have no idea. She might dunp him and fall in love with someone else altogether. 

The point is, you need to stop tormenting yourself by seeking out confirmation bias and ruminating. It isn't helping you and hasn't changed anything in the last month. 

What are you doing to help yourself move on from her? 

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, Andas said:

i wouldn't expect that she would reach out to me in a month.

That's good. Please stay no contact and leave her and her BF alone.

If you want to convince yourself she's making a mistake and she'll regret it and come back to you that's ok. It's a common, albeit unhealthy way to assuage your ego during a breakup.

You seem to be trying to prove to yourself and anyone who will listen that it's not really over, you're better than her BF and she'll be back. 

As long as you're not contacting her or harassing her, you can believe whatever you want to believe to make yourself feel better and get through it. 

Edited November 19, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Andas]

7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

She might not reach out ever again. You have no idea. She might dunp him and fall in love with someone else altogether. 

The point is, you need to stop tormenting yourself by seeking out confirmation bias and ruminating. It isn't helping you and hasn't changed anything in the last month. 

What are you doing to help yourself move on from her? 

Knowing her, she cant stay away from texting an ex, it happened in the past. Even thou their relationship was very toxic. As to dumping him, you are right, even if she will have feelings or pain of our breakup, because that is what happens when you have not healed and went into a relationship, nobody guarantees that she will consider to return.  

[ExpatInItaly]

24 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What are you doing to help yourself move on from her? 

And what about this?