Is my ex- girlfriend in a rebound relationship?

[Andas]

My ex-girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me 3 months ago, week after she met a guy at the party, and started dating him, they've even got intimate from time to time. During that time i was working abroad and when i returned she asked to meet up. Told me she has feelings for me and missed me, so we got back together 2 times, we spent time greatly together even got intimate. After every time, she returned to him and after the second, they started the relationship, but got into an argument after a week, so she sent me snaps for 3 weeks, crying saying that she misses me. We started chatting again, she told me that she was alone all that time and she made a mistake, wanted to fix things, not rushing. I presume she thought that everything was over between them, it even seemed that she forgot about him. After a month that guy returned, they've met and we met in the same evening. She told me that after talking to him that everything is alright now between them, he is changing, that he loves her. at the same time telling me that she loves me and has feelings for me, but there is no spark between us everything between us is broken and what is broken cant be fixed, but she does not disapprove of the possibility that after 2-3 years we could get back together. One day later I got emotional and told her that I miss her and love her, and that no one will love and care for her like I did. She said that it was time to let go and that she fell in love with him and got attached to him. Before her this guy hooked up with 30 girls, and she knows it, even told me when we got back together during august that he is not a relationship type, he has red flags, and she knows them, but ignores them. The other guy doesn’t even know what happened during past 3 months. After a week of our meeting, she posted pictures on instagram, two days in a row of herself being all happy and pretty, started liking some relationship quotes etc. etc. 34 days has passed since our meeting and i am in no contact, feeling better right now . Thou i am still trying to make sense if its a rebound or not.

[stillafool]

This girl has no idea who or what she wants.  Your best bet is to tell her to please go with the other guy and be his problem, no longer yours.  You seem more like her rebound than he does.  Get off of this roller coaster and find a girl who only wants you.  This one just needs a man, no matter who it is.

[Andas]

Believe me i would really love to let go, but 3 years.. they were very special for both of us, even she knows that. Nevertheless i am disgusted by her behavior, all this time she seemed like a grown up.  After all that happened, fate still brought us back. And i know for a fact that when we are left alone completely like she was, that is when we understand what we want the most, whom we missed the most. I told her to remember what she felt when she was alone. And i still hope that it is a rebound, because as I've said, they started dating on week after our brake up. And right now it has been a month since they are together again.
Funny thing is that when we met, she said no one is going to get married there, and one day later i asked her why you need him then. She answered that "We have only been together for a short time, so no one is talking about getting married yet"

Edited November 18, 2023 by Andas

[Andas]

I should point out, that she does not post pictures with him.

[ExpatInItaly]

My man, you need to move on. 

She is a mess and does not love you anymore. She might not last with the new guy, but the relationship between you is still well and truly over. She wouldn't have toyed with you like that if she still had any sort of respect for you. 

You need to respect yourself more and work on putting her behind you. 

[Andas]

They wont last, relationships built on lies are doomed to fail.
As to not loving me anymore, when we met she almost cried. And i wouldn't say that there is love between them too, you don't forget somebody for a month if you love them, like she did forget about him. I know she did wrong, i too made mistakes but I've tried.
 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, Andas said:

They wont last, relationships built on lies are doomed to fail.

I agree. But it's also not particularly relevant if their relationship fails. 

3 minutes ago, Andas said:

As to not loving me anymore, when we met she almost cried

But she still broke up with you and has continued to choose him over you. This is not a woman who loves you that way anymore. Crying doesn't mean she wants to be with you. You can have love for someone and still know you don't feel strongly enough about them anymore to go on. That's evidently where she is at. 

6 minutes ago, Andas said:

And i wouldn't say that there is love between them too

Again, this doesn't change anything for you. 

I feel for you, as it's very apparent you're in quite a lot of denial here. Please don't fool yourself into thinking that if they broke up, she would come back to you and stay back. That is not very likely. Her heart and mind are just not there with you anymore. 

[Andas]

I know that it is not guaranteed, that she will come back. But we had a strong relationship, and the break up happened, because of misunderstanding, we went through quite a lot in those 3 years. As i have said that i know it is not guaranteed, she also told me that our book is written when we met. Well.. she told me that several times in the past. And she doesn't realize yet what she has lost.
She admitted to me that she has psychological problems, because she does not know/ is scared of being alone. I also know that if a person does not deal with emotional wounds and feelings alone, and jump into a relationship right after the breakup all of it will reappear. And then she is gonna have to deal with two break ups.
As for me, i am trying not to stay in one place, i workout, read books etc. Trying to grow as a person.

[SurfCity]

What was the misunderstanding? 

How old are you and how old is she? 

Edited November 18, 2023 by SurfCity

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Andas said:

I know that it is not guaranteed, that she will come back. But we had a strong relationship, and the break up happened, because of misunderstanding, we went through quite a lot in those 3 years. 

Sorry this is happening. What was the breakup about?  How old is she? Did you live together? 

What kind of psychological problems? Do she and this guy drink or do drugs together? 

Unfortunately if she chose this guy, no matter what kind of guy he is she seems attached to him. It seems like she was on/off with him cheating on you whenever you were away or there were misunderstandings. 

It's great you're trying to move forward and take care of yourself. Stay no contact and perhaps time will shed some light on things. 

 

[Andas]

I am 22, she is 20. All of it happened when i was abroad working. The reason of the break up was. A broken trust on both sides, but it happened because of misunderstanding. She decided to take 2 weeks break between us but we still texted each other. I begged her to end the break, but she broke up with me. Six days before break up told me that she loves me too, and after 6 days told me that there is no love for me anymore, but when i returned it all changed again 

[Andas]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. What was the breakup about?  How old is she? Did you live together? 

What kind of psychological problems? Do she and this guy drink or do drugs together? 

Unfortunately if she chose this guy, no matter what kind of guy he is she seems attached to him. It seems like she was on/off with him cheating on you whenever you were away or there were misunderstandings. 

It's great you're trying to move forward and take care of yourself. Stay no contact and perhaps time will shed some light on things. 

 

We are both students,
as for psychological problems, it consists of not being alone and scared being alone, no self-love.
What goes for attached to this guy, i would say this attached is based only on infatuation, the guy is a complete opposite of me. She wanted to be alone after breakup, but met him at the party, from there it all went further.
I've stated in my story, that when they got into an argument, she thought that it is over between them, she was completely alone. She started sending me snaps throughout those 3 weeks, crying, but i did not look at them, after 3 weeks she wrote me on messenger that she missed me, and made a mistake, as she wrote "because i understand now in loneliness, what i miss the most". I would say that she even forgot about him.

[Alpacalia]

Fate did not bring you back together - she called you back into her life because she was unsure about the other guy. And when that uncertainty was gone, she chose him - to the extent that she didn't even tell him about you. If it was fate, wouldn't she have done differently? Sure, it's possible that this is a rebound, but at this point, it doesn't really matter.

The reality is that she had a choice, and she chose him.

And even if it is a rebound, that doesn't change the fact that she jumped into a relationship with someone else so quickly after your breakup.

You want her back so bad that you're willing to sell yourself out, telling her that she can always come back to you after she's done with him - even after the way she treated you. You're setting yourself up to be a backup option - the safe choice if things don't work out with this other guy.

Edited November 18, 2023 by Alpacalia

[SurfCity]

 

51 minutes ago, Andas said:

The reason of the break up was. A broken trust on both sides, but it happened because of misunderstanding.

You both cheated because of a misunderstanding, but you don't want to say what the misunderstanding was? 

Now she's with someone new and is cheating on him with you.

It's time to let this go and start fresh with someone new. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Andas said:

she does not disapprove of the possibility that after 2-3 years we could get back together. She said that it was time to let go and that she fell in love with him and got attached to him. 

Unfortunately it doesn't seem like  "she even forgot about him".

It seems like she wants to string you along as a security blanket while she plays with Mr badboy.  He sounds like a petri dish for STDs so reconsider what you are doing. 

Please delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Otherwise she will just be on/off with you when the latest new thing doesn't work out. 

Edited November 18, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Andas]

5 minutes ago, SurfCity said:

 

You both cheated because of a misunderstanding, but you don't want to say what the misunderstanding was? 

Now she's with someone new and is cheating on him with you.

It's time to let this go and start fresh with someone new. 

No there was no cheating, when i was working abroad with my friend(we got that work because of my ex's father). We lost our first job, and i told her father about what the agency told us, why they fired us( the reasons were a complete joke). It all started when her father asked the guys at the agency what happened. They told him the reasons, but they were different now:), so he told them to his wife, wife to my ex. I told my ex why they fired us beforehand. But the next day, we had an argument with my ex, because of differing information. she told me that i was worthless, she apologized for saying that, but not for choosing to believe her father over me. Her father forgot to tell, what the agency told us. When i went to sleep i got a call from an unknown number, he introduced himself as a guy that knows me from the past, he told me that she was meeting some other dude at our hometown right now. Even though i knew  she was in another city. I was so fed up and exhausted, that the next morning i deleted her nickname from the messenger and told her i wanted to marry her. But then i went to work, calmed down, and told her(not in accusatory manner) that i got a call this night and that guy told me that you were meeting some other dude. After that it all went down hill.

[Andas]

33 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Fate did not bring you back together - she called you back into her life because she was unsure about the other guy. And when that uncertainty was gone, she chose him - to the extent that she didn't even tell him about you. If it was fate, wouldn't she have done differently? Sure, it's possible that this is a rebound, but at this point, it doesn't really matter.

The reality is that she had a choice, and she chose him.

And even if it is a rebound, that doesn't change the fact that she jumped into a relationship with someone else so quickly after your breakup.

You want her back so bad that you're willing to sell yourself out, telling her that she can always come back to you after she's done with him - even after the way she treated you. You're setting yourself up to be a backup option - the safe choice if things don't work out with this other guy.

It seems that we cant let each other go. Even thou, i am healing my wounds slowly, and she is just putting a band-aid. All of those emotions, feelings, and wounds will catch up to her sooner or later
The thing is after i returned form work in august to the day when we last met. Everything she said to me, about her feelings, that she hurts too, about her problems, or what she is doing. She told the truth, because she trusts me.

[Andas]

29 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately it doesn't seem like  "she even forgot about him".

It seems like she wants to string you along as a security blanket while she plays with Mr badboy.  He sounds like a petri dish for STDs so reconsider what you are doing. 

Please delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Otherwise she will just be on/off with you when the latest new thing doesn't work out. 

It has been 34 days since we last chatted, i deleted her from snapchat and i do not check her social media for a while now.
As for forgetting about him, when we started texting each other again i asked her what about him, she told me that she does not want to talk about him and "believe me, there isnt anything to talk about him:)". She even wanted to stay at my place, well dormitory, because i am studying right now. So in fact she cheated on him. Although she told me when we met, that reaching out to me was a bad behavior on her behalf towards him:DD. 
About blocking her, she told me herself  "please block me, because i will continue to text you" i said that i will not do that, then told her i love you and left her car. Welp 34 days no message from her. Although after 2 days we met she did send me something on snapchat that was meant for me. But i cleared it, and did not look what was in there.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Andas said:

I am 22, she is 20

You two were very young when you started dating. 

These relationships almost never last forever, and for good reason. People grow and change and want different things. She outgrew the relationship before you did, and she's ready to move on. She will probably have a few boyfriends before she meets the man she settles down with forever, but that will likely be years from now. The same goes for you. 

Work on closing this chapter. She isn't going to be the one you grow old with. 

[mark clemson]

No relationship is doomed to fail so long as both partners continue to choose to be in it. It can be built on lies, truth, dysfunction, criminal behavior, parental dictates, or the last acts of a person with a terminal illness. It doesn't matter if the choice is made to continue it.

She has chosen to not continue with you. While that may sting a bit, the truth is there are LOTS of other fish in the sea. Happening so soon after yours ended, yes, it's likely a rebound. But - that doesn't matter, what you had is over now.

It's worth pointing out that humans are, speaking generally, serial monogamists. That means that "failed relationships" aren't failures at all. They are normal relationships that ended. Many if not most "lifelong partners" had at least a few earlier loves.

Let her go, and work on yourself and work on being an attractive and positive male - sooner or later the women will come.

Edited November 18, 2023 by mark clemson

[Andas]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

You two were very young when you started dating. 

These relationships almost never last forever, and for good reason. People grow and change and want different things. She outgrew the relationship before you did, and she's ready to move on. She will probably have a few boyfriends before she meets the man she settles down with forever, but that will likely be years from now. The same goes for you. 

Work on closing this chapter. She isn't going to be the one you grow old with. 

I wouldnt say it these relationships dont last because, most people in my country and older people that i know. Already had kids our age. There was a reason i went abroad for work, we planed to live together we were searching for apartment to rent.
But as ive stated it all went downhill after our argument, and if she moved on, then why she wanted to come back together again?

 

[Andas]

5 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

No relationship is doomed to fail so long as both partners continue to choose to be in it. It can be built on lies, truth, dysfunction, criminal behavior, parental dictates, or the last acts of a person with a terminal illness. It doesn't matter if the choice is made to continue it.

She has chosen to not continue with you. While that may sting a bit, the truth is there are LOTS of other fish in the sea. Happening so soon after yours ended, yes, it's likely a rebound. But - that doesn't matter, what you had is over now.

It's worth pointing out that humans are, speaking generally, serial monogamists. That means that "failed relationships" aren't failures at all. They are normal relationships that ended. Many if not most "lifelong partners" had at least a few earlier loves.

Let her go, and work on yourself and work on being an attractive and positive male - sooner or later the women will come.

She made that choice many times. Doing the same thing and expecting different outcome is insanity, she already got burned being with him, and left alone for a month.
And i think you understand that what has happened she is very unstable, as she did not heal emotionally nor lost feelings for me, so the other guy as far as i know about him, wont deal with her problems for long. Because there is a reason why they had this argument, and believe that is because of that instability.  Right now it is a honeymoon stage for them

[mark clemson]

You may well be right. She is or was conflicted emotionally and in terms of her practical considerations. She moved on to the new guy too early and carried unconscious expectations of what a relationship "should" be like based on her relationship with you. She found things weren't as she expected, felt uncertain about the new relationship, missed you, and had second thoughts.

However, with 3 months passing and her choosing to be with him, that suggests she's gotten used to the new dynamic and is now starting to get comfortable with being with him.

That's something you have to face. I suggest you DON'T waste months and years of your life hoping she'll come back, and letting yourself be put in the position of her "fallback guy" in case things don't work out with the new one. That's very unfair to you - I suggest you recognize what's going on with your own emotions/continued attachment to her, and bite the bullet and move on. When you find a new partner, you'll be glad you did.

 

[Andas]

24 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

You may well be right. She is or was conflicted emotionally and in terms of her practical considerations. She moved on to the new guy too early and carried unconscious expectations of what a relationship "should" be like based on her relationship with you. She found things weren't as she expected, felt uncertain about the new relationship, missed you, and had second thoughts.

However, with 3 months passing and her choosing to be with him, that suggests she's gotten used to the new dynamic and is now starting to get comfortable with being with him.

That's something you have to face. I suggest you DON'T waste months and years of your life hoping she'll come back, and letting yourself be put in the position of her "fallback guy" in case things don't work out with the new one. That's very unfair to you - I suggest you recognize what's going on with your own emotions/continued attachment to her, and bite the bullet and move on. When you find a new partner, you'll be glad you did.

 

I wouldn’t say, got comfortable. She doesn’t even know him what he is like in a relationship, and moreover she does not know him well altogether, because when i returned from abroad. We could say that on and off thing was for both me and him.

Every time she returned to him it happened, i would call it “spontaneously” or rushed. After the second time we got back together she had problems with me, told me that i was soft compared to him in terms of communication, she met him for two days straight during that weekend, she even told me that she was sad because i was sad, 3 days earlier we planned to meet next weekend and go for a lunch. And after meeting, next day they immediately started the “relationship” if you could even call it that, it is more like a situationship. When i told her that i believe that her decision is not final she told me i dont know, all of this happened in September.

And to be exact they’ve only dated until i returned and we got back together two times. But the relationship started only at the end of september. And lasted for about a week. Then it was of again, as i ve stated she started sending me messages that she misses me crying, told me she now understands whom she misses in loneliness. And she have made a mistake. But that guy returned.

Edited November 18, 2023 by Andas

[Andas]

I would say the real relationship, just started a month ago, and when i left her car. Nothing changed in terms of her healing from the break up, emotional state or feelings towards me. Next day she met with her friends. Completely ignoring her feelings again. Like the last time. She thinks that you can forget somebody by getting under somebody.