Should I pursue her as a life partner, or continue ghosting her and dealing with empty emotions?

[AGZJ192]

Please take the time to read and understand this post. I will do the best to articulate a precarious relationship I'm coming out of.... and I don't know if leaving was a big mistake. [If you have any questions, please ask rather than assume] I made this post in pursuit of love and want to keep it that way. The goal is to gain clarity.

Two years ago, I (24M) met a girl (29F) in the restaurant industry. I had just come out of college a year prior, worked a dead-end office job and hated every second of it.. so I quit and went head-first into serving. I didn't really interact with this girl until a few months in. But each interaction we had was growing with random interest. I had a couple of "blonde" moments too. I accidentally calling her by a different name on one occasion, which ended up being a go-to punchline just to get her attention. Little by little, we were joking back and forth with each other and seemingly a friendship was growing.

Then one work day came along where I jokingly asked her out. I was so full of s*** and 1000% expected to get turned down. She was married, with kids. Just a guy shooting his shot. I knew nothing other than what a young guy couldn't get his mind off of. And to my surprise, as I was clocking out, she dropped her number by my side without me knowing.

I had the biggest grin on my face as I ran over to one of my best friends to brag. "Hey.. look what I got.. you won't believe it!" I think I waited until very late in the evening, or the following day to reach out. I got a promising first response ... and a first date was created. The first "date" (more just a social event) was grabbing a six pack of Miller High Life and hitting the beach. There was a lowkey spot on rocks where we could kick back and share stories/get to know each other better. No intimacy. This was strictly asking questions and learning from a friend perspective. It was at this point she revealed how unhappy she was in her marriage.

My own parents had an extremely ugly divorce. She touched on her own pain points that I could directly relate to from my dad's stories. I consoled her and immediately said, "Why continue this is you're not happy? It's your life, and if you really care about your kids you won't put them through a divorce once they're older." More importantly, she noted that her husband wouldn't or hasn't changed ways for years, and leaving him was something she'd considered for a while. It just took someone to really make her realize it might be time to actually... divorce.
It felt empowering to what felt like sound advice. We further bonded on traumatic things. Her father is an extremely bad gambling addict. So is my mother. Both instances changed our families in similar ways. I felt like I really gained someone that night who understood me. We also shared a few laughs.. I could immediately tell our humor clicked. The first gathering was a big success. The young college boy wanted to take her home, completely denying any moral responsibility. I felt connected and didn't care the repercussions. She went home that night by herself, but we still kept talking. There was enough connection made for a second .... date. A Third, fourth and fifth date would follow shortly thereafter.
We would spend hours on a couch, sipping wine and sharing stories. Our deepest thoughts. Our biggest gripes with life. Wash, rinse, repeat. I've never felt more open and comfortable before in my life. Most importantly, we shared a vision for a better future. To get away from the b.s. day-job culture, and to grind life together. To have more kids, and get a new lease on life together. Be smart financially, cultivate a healthy and successful family. And so on.

Mind you, this was disregarding the fact she was still married. It took a couple months but her then-husband showed up to my house one night. It was 2am I had woken up to her phone ringing repeatedly. I woke her up frantically and she dealt with the situation. I thought the worst and did not know what to do. I never knew the husband except from her stories to this point, so I just kept thinking he was going to do me severe harm (and I don't blame him one bit). He ended up leaving in his truck, peeling out on the side street. I never came into contact with him. She controlled the situation and it was over with. But by now, me and this girl's relationship was pretty exposed.

To make things even more interesting, my best friend at the time was living with me. My best friend's girlfriend was related to the girl I was talking to. It turned out my best friend's girlfriend was cousins with this girl's husband. To make things even MORE interesting, one of my mom's lifelong friends was the BOSS of this girl's husband. Oh, and both the husband and this girl shared mutual friends with me through sports and random activities. There was much more to this "affair" than you think.

So the summer went on. Everyone in both me and this girl's friend group knew what we were doing. There was no hiding it. Working at a restaurant just amplified things in a negative way. (Queue endless drama and gossip) Once my best friend caught on that I was really seeing this girl, he immediately drew back and questioned my choices (he's not wrong for questioning, after all). I plead my innocence that I only wanted to be intimate a few times and bow out gracefully. But time after time, I kept associating with this girl. Knowing it put a lot of strain on my best friend and others to accept this situation, and to keep it under wraps. It went so far as to me sneaking her around the house just so I could see her. It made things extremely uncomfortable for my best friend and his girlfriend.

Needless to say, these habits just about killed my relationship with my best friend. He shortly moved out after things really picked up with this girl. It was the lowest moment in my life. I battled all summer with inner emotions of this girl. Knowing it was not morally in our best interest. But feeling like there was so much potential. This was not a silly string of hook-ups. This felt like there could be MORE.
My best friend moved out as the peak restaurant season was coming to a close. I realized I need to find an alternate job, and quick. Plus, me and this girl really picked up on seeing each other since we had more spare time. I stepped up and even helped her at a business fair to promote her small business. I also volunteered my time to help her move out of her dad's apartment, and helped with renovations at her new place. I was slowly but surely becoming more a part of her everyday life. Her friends knew about me too. A few wanted to meet me. They understood the situation without judging.

Then we began unofficially dating in late fall of that year. She was still legally married but we spent a couple of months spending quality time together. I was battling depression and started going to therapy too. I was dealing with an immense amount of guilt from playing a part in the breaking up of a family, and even more so in losing the closest friend in my life. For this girl.

The unofficial relationship with this girl did not last long. I ended things after a month or two. I got cold feet from commitment. I mean... what 24y/o guy excitedly tells their family, hey I'm dating a separated Mom of two kids!! Yippeeee!! Yeah... right.

This back-and-forth "situationship" went on for the good part of another year. We took extended breaks, all on my doing. I tried to see other girls. Go on dates and try to kill my emotions for this girl. And it was an utter waste of time, money, and emotion. I was way too critical of each girl after this girl. I tried telling myself I can date someone like this girl... that someone would show up and cure all of these mixed emotions. I couldn't stop thinking about this girl though. It was inhibiting any other attempt at a relationship with someone else. I genuinely loved her. I've never felt a love like this except for the love of my father. This emotion cut deep.

I cared so much about her that I volunteered to meet her ex-husband. I wanted to personally confront him and apologize. I wanted to let me know who I was, and that initial actions towards his ex-wife were not out of malicious intent. To my surprise, he was extremely receptive and we actually BONDED for hours. We had never met each other and yet we were talking like we knew each other. We shared serious things but also shared a few good laughs. And you know what? It felt exhilarating to talk with this girl's ex-husband. I felt like I was closing the moral inequity. I was working back the grief.

Then this year's summer came. I was battling with moving some family out of state and kept stringing this girl along.. never committing but keeping the relationship alive. We saw each other sporadically. And fast forward to now, where it has been almost a month and a half since we've last talked.
*I have since rekindled things with my best friend. We're not tight like we used to be, but we talk and sometimes see each other.*

There's so much more that could be said. She's been on my mind almost every waking minute this past month. I picture sharing happy memories together.. with her. I picture sharing children, and starting a family. I miss her. And the more I long to be with her, the less I care about what anyone else has to say for being with a now single mother of two children. I welcome the challenge. I mean, life is supposed to be interesting after all.
Bland isn't my type. This girl is so much more than that. I love you still. So much.
Here's some context on what this girl is really like.

1. I blacked out and she was took care of me, after I had thrown up all over myself. She was at my bedside every minute and made sure I was okay.

2. She went out of her way to comfort me. I got a really bad poison ivy rash over the summer and she went to CVS, dropped $60 on itch cream and ointment, and did not even bat an eye.

3. She was driven. We both agreed that we want to change our lives around. She even corrected me that she wanted to IMPROVE her life, not just change it.

4. She listens. She genuinely hears you out and wants to help solve problems.

5. She is loving. She went out of her way to make special gifts and order custom things online. For example, we always had a tough time choosing something to do. So she ordered a coin that had our names on either side to help decide who would make plans.

6. She also bought me a mental wellness journal to help organize my daily thoughts, and heal emotionally.

7. She was never afraid to cry in front of me and become vulnerable. And she made me feel/do the same unto her.

8. You don't need a filter when you're around her.

9. She's a little crazy. I like that.

- Thank you to everyone for reading this. There are other things that occurred to help build context, but this is the meat and bones. I really want to know what YOU would do in my shoes. Would you pursue her as a life partner, or continue ghosting her and dealing with empty emotions?

Edited November 19, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
tone/formatting/shorten title

[glows]

I mean… it’s not like it’s a big issue dating her. What’s holding you back? At 24 I was struggling making ends meet living with a same sex partner and waging war on homophobia. I understand the fear of coming out to your friends and family you’re dating a single mom but she’s only a handful of years older. 

I don’t understand why you keep ghosting her or stringing her along. Do you still live with parents?

[Acacia98]

I don't understand why you were so heavily invested in being with her when she was not available (i.e. before her separation) and everyone disapproved but now that she is actually available (or more available) and you have seemingly made peace with your best friend and her ex, you're questioning the relationship.

Personally, I would either have committed 100% to the relationship and seen where it would take me or ended the relationship once and for all. The indecisiveness thingy is not for me.

Ultimately, what you decide to do is up to you because you're the one who will have to live with the consequences of your decisions. The only thing I can advise is that you make an actual decision: be with her or break up with her and then stick to that decision. It's not cool to string anyone along or to do the back-and-forth thing with them. Now, in her case in particular, she has kids and needs to be emotionally stable and present for them, so don't play a role in keeping her on an emotional rollercoaster. If you think you're too young to settle down with her, have the decency to let her know so that she can choose what to do.

[d0nnivain]

I honestly don't think you are ready. 

You make bad judgments.  After getting a college degree, you became a waiter.  What?  You characterize your office job as dead end then go into the restaurant business.  You seem to have that backwards. 

It's like you thrive on drama.  Dating a married woman.  Trying to justify it.  Getting everybody all up in your business.  Dropping a best friend because he had a moral compass.  Flaunting your affair.  

Calling an almost 30 year old married mother a "girl".  There's a whole Peter Pan aspect to this where you aren't being a mature adult. 

Talking about having more kids with her & "being smart financially" but now saying you want to ghost her.  Having this whole on again off again merry go round dysfunctional thing.   You can't commit. 

You don't say where she is in the divorce process.  You don't mention how her kids are dealing with this.  You talk about your interactions with her husband.  Who does that?  He's crazy for interacting with you.   I feel bad for him.  He clearly would do anything, even debase himself by talking to his wife's lover, in an effort to keep their marriage together.  He was never there to give you absolution.  He was there to try to win her back.  

I also don't understand your question.  What are empty emotions?  I also don't understand why she would want to continue to deal with you.  You can't commit & other than some pipe dreams I don't see where you are capable of settling down to support a family.  Finally the old cliche comes in:  If they will cheat with you, they will cheat on you.  So where's the upside to you committing to a cheater? 

[NuevoYorko]

I'm afraid that you aren't ready to be pursuing a relationship with anyone at this time.  Let her go.

[MsJayne]

You've gone from planning a future with this woman to ghosting her. She has children, they matter too, you can't come and go in children's lives, especially when their family's just been broken up. It sounds like the moral judgment of your best friend made you question your actions and now there's a taint over the whole thing. In general you don't sound very sincere  or ready for the responsibility and commitment required for family life.

[basil67]

16 hours ago, AGZJ192 said:

We saw each other sporadically. And fast forward to now, where it has been almost a month and a half since we've last talked.

It's over.  Time to let go and move on

[AGZJ192]

On 11/15/2023 at 1:34 AM, glows said:

I mean… it’s not like it’s a big issue dating her. What’s holding you back? At 24 I was struggling making ends meet living with a same sex partner and waging war on homophobia. I understand the fear of coming out to your friends and family you’re dating a single mom but she’s only a handful of years older. 

I don’t understand why you keep ghosting her or stringing her along. Do you still live with parents?

There are a lot of things holding me back. For starters, I'm a homeowner. She is living paycheck to paycheck barely making rent. Not that she would move-in, but if she and I have kids... how would that reflect on both of us financially?? Not great, at least right now.

Second, the judgement. Friends, family and others I'm sure would be shaking their heads at this situation. Love is love, though.. and it hurts not to be accepted no matter the situation.I've grown significantly the last year or so of "not caring anymore". Life is too short to worry about what others think of you... but this is still my biggest ongoing mental battle.

There's more too if you're interested in talking stuff out. Appreciate you're message and thoughts... anything helps

[AGZJ192]

On 11/15/2023 at 2:56 AM, Acacia98 said:

I don't understand why you were so heavily invested in being with her when she was not available (i.e. before her separation) and everyone disapproved but now that she is actually available (or more available) and you have seemingly made peace with your best friend and her ex, you're questioning the relationship.

Personally, I would either have committed 100% to the relationship and seen where it would take me or ended the relationship once and for all. The indecisiveness thingy is not for me.

Ultimately, what you decide to do is up to you because you're the one who will have to live with the consequences of your decisions. The only thing I can advise is that you make an actual decision: be with her or break up with her and then stick to that decision. It's not cool to string anyone along or to do the back-and-forth thing with them. Now, in her case in particular, she has kids and needs to be emotionally stable and present for them, so don't play a role in keeping her on an emotional rollercoaster. If you think you're too young to settle down with her, have the decency to let her know so that she can choose what to do.

I hear you. I want to reach out so bad to her and say "I'm ready to be with you and I don't care what happens." 

My BIGGEST concern is being with her pushes my timeline for having kids. She wants many more (which I am all for) however she will be 30 in April. How soon until she has another kid? It would be much different if she were a little younger and we had 4-5 years, at least, to wait and try then. 

That is by far and above my biggest mental battle. Thank you for your thoughts..

[AGZJ192]

On 11/15/2023 at 3:55 AM, d0nnivain said:

I honestly don't think you are ready. 

You make bad judgments.  After getting a college degree, you became a waiter.  What?  You characterize your office job as dead end then go into the restaurant business.  You seem to have that backwards. 

It's like you thrive on drama.  Dating a married woman.  Trying to justify it.  Getting everybody all up in your business.  Dropping a best friend because he had a moral compass.  Flaunting your affair.  

Calling an almost 30 year old married mother a "girl".  There's a whole Peter Pan aspect to this where you aren't being a mature adult. 

Talking about having more kids with her & "being smart financially" but now saying you want to ghost her.  Having this whole on again off again merry go round dysfunctional thing.   You can't commit. 

You don't say where she is in the divorce process.  You don't mention how her kids are dealing with this.  You talk about your interactions with her husband.  Who does that?  He's crazy for interacting with you.   I feel bad for him.  He clearly would do anything, even debase himself by talking to his wife's lover, in an effort to keep their marriage together.  He was never there to give you absolution.  He was there to try to win her back.  

I also don't understand your question.  What are empty emotions?  I also don't understand why she would want to continue to deal with you.  You can't commit & other than some pipe dreams I don't see where you are capable of settling down to support a family.  Finally the old cliche comes in:  If they will cheat with you, they will cheat on you.  So where's the upside to you committing to a cheater? 

You're right about a lot here. I was extremely immature and short-sighted to join a restaurant whilst holding a college degree. It was immoral to pursue a married woman. Is it also my fault that she gave me her phone number? 

And I referred to her as "this girl". Yes, it's just a phrasing technique I used while writing my post. Nothing deep behind it.

The on and off thing we've had (I want to say) is over. Yes, I do want to reach out so bad. But, if I do it needs to be meaningful. It needs to be implied that I actually want to work things out, mature up and work towards a life together. Otherwise, it is what it is for now.

She's already been going through the actual divorce. I've never met her kids, either. I respected her ex-husband's wishes of not wanting her "lover" meet their children without his consent. Well, after me and her ex-husband met, he gave me his consent. And he is also seeing someone else now. There was no wishful thinking that he would get back with her. They are 110% done.

My empty emotions. I love her but also feel empty inside - incomplete. I wanted so badly for this to work out, but most of our relationship was carried somewhat secretly. I want family and friends to know with confidence that this is someone I likely will spent the rest of my life with... the truth will "out" and that would be a massive weight off my shoulders.

Lastly, your final sentence on "If she will cheat with you, she will cheat on you" is 110% correct. I have a bunch of more context that debunks my actual situation relative to this adage, but I know what you mean. The majority of people who have known about my relationship with her, warned me of this. Love makes you do strange things, and if this is a risk to take so be it.

 

Thank you again for your well thought out passage. I'd love to talk more since you seem real invested. Let me know.

[glows]

This went from dating to forever in your recent posts and escalated fast. I thought you were meaning dating and seeing how things go not introducing her to family and jumping into a lifetime together. This is an all or nothing mentality way too fast too soon. She just split from her ex and needs to establish herself. You say she’s living paycheque to paycheque. 

If you’re really not sure at all, then time out and focus on you. Figure out what you need in a partner and if this person isn’t it then don’t maintain any contact. Move forward. Date other people.

 

[AGZJ192]

I am. She's moved on and I am in the process of. It's better for the both of us