Date seems keen but wanted to split the check?

[babybrowns]

Hello all,

I went on 2 dates recently with a man whom I met online. We are both in our early/mid 30’s.

The first date was a coffee where he paid for me, and for the second date, he wanted to take me to a restaurant that he really liked. His behaviour has been chivalrous in many ways; he even picked me up from my house to drive me to the restaurant for our second date and dropped me home afterwards too. 

However, he wanted to split the check at dinner. I offered and he accepted without offering to pay. Given that he invited me to his favourite restaurant and it was our second date, I find that to be a little surprising.

Aside from this action, he seems to be quite keen. He was telling me on the drive back that he was so happy to have met someone like me and that he really would like to see me again very soon. 

I am a little torn as to whether to give the benefit of doubt and see him again, or to call it. He has been lovely in other ways, but not offering to pay when he invited me out for our second date was something that didn’t sit right with me. I didn’t tell him this, and wondering if I ought to.

To give a little background, he split with his long term partner 4 months ago, with whom he has a son of 4 years old. He and his ex each have custody of their son for half the week. His ex, to whom he was engaged, was the one who broke things off and he initially fought for her to stay but then realised he was “happier” that she left.

His parents own a family business of renting out cars vans, and he works as a salesman for their business, he didn’t go to university. When he and his ex were together, his parents offered to help them buy them a new house for their young growing family, but his ex didn’t like this and wanted to make her own way in life financially and grow her career, which the guy said made her ultimately leave him.

I myself am an ambitious professional and so am also someone who is career-minded. I have 2 university degrees, which is a difference between us since he didn’t go to university.

However, if I invite someone out to my favourite restaurant and it is our second date, I would offer to pay for the both of us, and thus I am little bummed that he didn’t. Especially since it would have been chivalrous, which is something that is important to me. I understand that there are some who would prefer to go Dutch always, but I am old-school and would prefer not to go Dutch for a second date when a man has invited me out.

I am wondering as to whether to see him once more? Would welcome thoughts this. Thank you

Edited November 12, 2023 by babybrowns

[ExpatInItaly]

21 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

he split with his long term partner 4 months ago, with whom he has a son of 4 years old. He and his ex each have custody of their son for half the week. His ex, to whom he was engaged, was the one who broke things off 

Forget the check, focus on this instead. 

It is very unlikely this man is ready to be dating again. Don't overlook things like this. It's much more critical than who paid for dinner. 

[Wiseman2]

34 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

he even picked me up from my house to drive me to the restaurant for our second date and dropped me home afterwards too. I offered and he accepted without offering to pay. 

Unfortunately there are a lot of red flags, but taking you up on your offer to split the check isn't one of them. That's fine. 

The red flags are allowing someone to come to pick you up on date 2 so that the date ends at your place. 

The biggest red flag is that he's clearly on the rebound and talked about his ex this much during your date. 

Please be aware of red flags such as talking about an ex during your date and designing dates that will end up at your place. Is he still living with his ex? 

If you don't want to split the check, don't offer. It's that simple.

However try to be more proactive in planning dates that you can provide your own transportation to and can afford. 

Have a handful of casual affordable places in your area that you can suggest to meet.  It's better for safety reasons to pick somewhere you're familiar with and can easily provide your own transportation to. 

Before you even agree to meeting. Try to screen a bit better for red flags such as just out of a relationship. This way you won't waste your time on coffee, no less a dinner at a place he chooses to listen to someone drone on about an ex. 

 

Edited November 12, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Wiseman2]

55 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Date seems keen but wanted to split the check?

Unfortunately the title of your thread is very confusing. You offered to split the check and he doesn't seem keen at all. He seems to want a shoulder to cry on about his ex. 

[FMW]

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I offered and he accepted without offering to pay.

If he invited, and it was meant to be a romantic date, not just a friendly meet-up, I agree it would have been nice for him to pay.

But why did you offer to pay half if it's not something you wanted to do?  Was it a test (that he failed)?  Maybe he accepted your offer because he thought you might prefer it that way.  

If you want a guy that's going to insist on paying, this guy probably isn't a good fit for you.  I agree with others that having split only 4 months ago with his child's mother is the bigger issue.  

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I myself am an ambitious professional and so am also someone who is career-minded. I have 2 university degrees, which is a difference between us since he didn’t go to university.

I think the fact you mentioned this difference between you means you find him lacking in ways other than just not insisting on paying.  

 

Edited November 12, 2023 by FMW

[introverted1]

 

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

he split with his long term partner 4 months ago, with whom he has a son of 4 years old.

It is unlikely, and probably impossible, that he is ready for a relationship at this time. 

And then there is this:

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I myself am an ambitious professional and so am also someone who is career-minded. I have 2 university degrees, which is a difference between us since he didn’t go to university.

Putting aside the issue of who paid for dinner, do you see yourself long-term with a man who has not gone to uni, who works as a salesman in his family business, who already has a child that he has 50% custody of, and who is apparently on the rebound?

If the answer is yes, then proceed, but I find it odd that your biggest concern about this guy is that he accepted your offer to pay for your share of dinner.  

[d0nnivain]

Women will never be truly equal until we shoulder financial responsibility.  I prefer the old rule of whoever asks pays but check splitting early on isn't a deal breaker.   As you get more regular you may be able to switch on & off, as to who pays.  

But don't assume that who pays the check is an indicator of interest or compatibility.   

[Weezy1973]

4 hours ago, babybrowns said:

However, if I invite someone out to my favourite restaurant and it is our second date, I would offer to pay for the both of us, and thus I am little bummed that he didn’t.

How many second dates have you been on where you chose your favourite restaurant and paid for both of you?

Agree with the others overall - a few flags but also just some incompatibilities that probably mean this guy is a “next”. 

[NuevoYorko]

Going forward, if you don't want to split the check, DO NOT OFFER TO SPLIT THE CHECK.

[babybrowns]

Thank you for the inputs everyone. I agree that this man is not in a place to start dating again. Just wish there were a few more men my age who are not fresh out of LTRs with children!

[BrinnM]

You can try one more date, but don’t offer to go Dutch. See what he does. I agree - splitting the check can be a turnoff. But then again, you offered, so he probably thought that’s what you really wanted to do. 

[NuevoYorko]

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Thank you for the inputs everyone. I agree that this man is not in a place to start dating again. Just wish there were a few more men my age who are not fresh out of LTRs with children!

Here's a challenge for you:  Give some thought to why you did not feel any concern worth posting about regarding his freshly broken up and parenthood status.   The only issue you brought here was check splitting.  

So ... if he'd insisted on paying and did, you probably would have gone happily forward, confident about how very "keen" he was on you, without even considering these serious possible incompatibilities.  

You may be prioritizing the wrong things.  That could be one reason why your dating life is predictably very disappointing,  at best.

[basil67]

When you offer to pay, he believes you can afford it and thinks you're being thoughtful.  But the truth is that your actions were a sh*t test which he failed. This is a very disingenuous look on your part.  You talk about how you've got two degrees and presumably a more substantial income than him, so rather than feeling entitled to a free meal, I would expect you to be happy to do your part financially.  To echo the others, if you don't want to pay, don't offer.   But don't get snippy at a guy because you offered something you weren't happy to deliver.  This is 100% on you.  

As for his personal situation, I have known people who've successfully moved on quickly after a marriage breakdown.  But the odds of it working are not great, so if you're not a gambler, best to not continue.

 

Edited November 12, 2023 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, babybrowns said:

, if I invite someone out to my favourite restaurant and it is our second date, I would offer to pay for the both of us. Especially since it would have been chivalrous, which is something that is important to me.

He did offer to pay. You're the one who countered it for whatever reason. In addition to being too fresh out of a relationship, you don't seem to respect him. Perhaps "chivalrous" is strange criteria when the basics such as just out of a relationship or education level are red flags for you. 

Are you using quality paid relationship focused dating apps? They may offer more serious daters, better identification vetting, better matching and screening tools, etc. because most of these red flags are avoidable.  

[BaileyB]

11 hours ago, babybrowns said:

However, he wanted to split the check at dinner. I offered and he accepted without offering to pay. Given that he invited me to his favourite restaurant and it was our second date, I find that to be a little surprising.

I don’t know why it would surprise you, it’s a very a reasonable thing to do. There is no rule in dating that says a man must pay for the meal. It’s not a character flaw if he does not offer to pay for your meal on the second date. 

11 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I am a little torn as to whether to give the benefit of doubt and see him again, or to call it.

I think you should call it, for his benefit. Who wants to date a woman who has so many unspoken expectations and keeps a scorecard - 

Edited November 12, 2023 by BaileyB

[babybrowns]

38 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He did offer to pay. You're the one who countered it for whatever reason.

You are getting this out of thin air, I never said anything like this at all. That’s not what happened- I repeat what I said before, he did NOT offer to pay at any point.

The man got back in touch with me this evening to say he had been telling his family all about me today, and was keen for us to arrange date #3. He wanted us to go out to get dinner again.

I wasn’t planning on seeing him again at this point but I just wanted to see what he’d say if I first said I’m too broke to go for dinner again next week, which in reality is true. He responded with the suggestion that he cook for me at his house. That ruled out any benefit of doubt about why he didn’t get the check last night- it had nothing to do with me offering to pay, but rather he just has no intention of taking me out to dinner.

To anyone who has posted to say, why should a man pay? That is how you feel, as I said in my OP, people tend to be on both sides of the fence about this- you either are pro Dutch or you’re not. On the first 2-3 dates which I go on with a new man, especially when he has invited me out, my standard is that he pays. It is not about the money, it is about chivalry and a sense of knowing that he wants to treat me. Call me old school but that’s what I am.

I relayed unto this man my concerns that he has just come out of a LTR and that I am looking for someone who doesn’t have an ex in their life. He has spent most of the evening trying to convince me in response, that he has no feelings for his ex, that he wants a relationship, that he wants us to delete the dating apps on our phone so that we try to build something with each other, etc.

He won’t take my no for an answer. For this I’m actually glad that he did not pay the check last night, since yes it might have helped me want to keep overlooking the big elephant in the room and proceed. But yes, it’s impossible in these circumstances.

My own ex is not in my life, we broke up a few years ago, and I am ready to build something with someone who’s in a similar place to me and doesn’t have their ex as a big part of their life, feelings or not.

Thanks everyone for your help once again 💐 

Edited November 12, 2023 by babybrowns

[MsJayne]

11 hours ago, babybrowns said:

. I have 2 university degrees, which is a difference between us since he didn’t go to university.

This doesn't mean much. A university degree doesn't make you superior to people who have a lower level of formal education. You say this guy works in the family business, which means that one day he will probably inherit it and possibly be very wealthy, so he doesn't necessarily lack ambition. 

[basil67]

xxx

Edited November 12, 2023 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

46 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I first said I’m too broke to go for dinner again next week, which in reality is true. He responded with the suggestion that he cook for me at his house. 

It's good you're passing on this with all the red flags. He seems to just be looking for a warm body and a shoulder to cry on while he recovers from his break up. 

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Thank you for the inputs everyone. I agree that this man is not in a place to start dating again. Just wish there were a few more men my age who are not fresh out of LTRs with children!

Sorry, but neither are you ready to date.  If you offer to split the check with a man or anybody and they accept don't get mad.  Why did you offer in the first place?

[Els]

I think anyone has the right to not proceed with a dating situation for any reason at all. So if you really felt like him not insisting on paying was incompatible with what you want, then it's your prerogative to choose not to proceed.

That being said, I agree with the others that it's concerning that you would have happily continued to date him despite the recent separation, if he had paid for the dinner. Again, it's fine to set any requirements you want for a partner, but if you prioritize something like splitting the bill over a huge glaring red flag like the recent ex, I think it may be worth re-examining your priorities and people picker.

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I wasn’t planning on seeing him again at this point but I just wanted to see what he’d say if I first said I’m too broke to go for dinner again next week, which in reality is true. He responded with the suggestion that he cook for me at his house. That ruled out any benefit of doubt about why he didn’t get the check last night- it had nothing to do with me offering to pay, but rather he just has no intention of taking me out to dinner.

 

I think you're right, he probably isn't keen on paying for a dinner out.

A simple coffee, a walk in the park really doesn't cost him or you anything- no? It's nice that he offered to cook at his place for you on the second date, but it's a little presumptive that he wants to get you back to his place already at this moment. Your intuition is telling you he isn't being a gentleman. In this situation, I would recommend trusting your intuition.

It sounds like there may be some differences in values and expectations when it comes to finances in the relationship. Also, the fact that he immediately suggested cooking at his place after you mentioned being low on funds could be a red flag. It may indicate that he is not willing to put in effort or investment into the relationship. Which, you kind of already knew being he is 4 months out of a breakup and has a young child.

Usually a man who just got out of a relationship that recently isn't trying to settle down. When people get out of a relationship, the last thing they are looking for is a committed relationship, to them it just sounds like more work. For the most part.

That should have been a warning sign right off the bat.

 

Edited November 12, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

 and I am ready to build something with someone who’s in a similar place to me and doesn’t have their ex as a big part of their life, feelings or not.

So why did you go on 2 dates with this man when you knew he had a recent ex and children?

You say you want a certain type of man but you keep going on dates with men that don't fit that bill. Don't tell me you wanted to give him a chance...you've been on here a few years giving unsuitable men 'a chance'.

You need to start following your own dating rules. No ex, no children, high education.

Edited November 12, 2023 by Gaeta

[Gaeta]

13 hours ago, babybrowns said:

To give a little background, he split with his long term partner 4 months ago, with whom he has a son of 4 years old. He and his ex each have custody of their son for half the week. His ex, to whom he was engaged, was the one who broke things off and he initially fought for her to stay but then realised he was “happier” that she left.

You really think 4 months is enough to get over the mother of his child, the woman he spent 5+ years with, the woman he wanted to marry, the woman he faught to get back?

This man is nowhere ready for a new relationship no matter what he says. You know why you should not beleive people just out of relationships? Because they are hurting, the feel the loss, they are confused, and they try to convince themselves they're all over it. Mourning a long term relationship is a long process with steps forwards and many steps back. 

You know all that BabyBrown. Why you continue dating like you just fell into the dating world is beyond me.

[glows]

No, I don’t think you should be offended about this given how this panned out. Yes, meet him again and see whether anything develops only if you’re ok with going 50/50 in the relationship and being ready to contribute.

You’ve also got to be realistic about his priorities with a young child, meeting the coparent twice weekly at least due to their custody schedule and realizing his budget may be a lot tighter than yours. 4 months is cutting it close fresh out of a relationship.

He may approach things differently or think differently from you without similar educational background. Not everyone is comfortable with that and I don’t think that’s anything to be ashamed of. It would just be awful to date someone and keep holding this against them however. So make up your mind swiftly with sincerity and be real here so you’re not toying with this guy. I sincerely hope as well that he is just as genuine towards you.