Jealous of Cousin's Romantic, Family Life

[CatsMeow]

Hi, this is my first thread. I feel very alone, and isolated-generally. I quit speaking to my cousin and made the reason-something about letting me down around my mom's death. It has been over a year since I spoke to her. Deeper down when I got together with her when visiting my home state a few times over the past few years, I couldn't identify very much with her wee-rounded life filled with kids(Brady bunch style), and great long-term, income to travel comfortable, fiance, etc... I feel like a "loser" in comparison. I have struggled greatly with all of those things. And I am on disability, no kids, no stable relationship, not even decent housing. I am in a generally easier climate but  much of my life seems so up hill all the way and she has it pretty easy. She even has a second house in a second state. At this age, we have almost nothing in common at all. My family favored the men, and have taken good care of them and often refused to help me for so many years now.

All I see is difficulty in having any kind of relationship with my actual family. I have suffered and struggled to detach from my parents and siblings. My parents are now gone, and I just need new friends-at least. I have been pretty lonely for a while in general. I hope being in a newer state over time that I will find supportive people and groups to spend time with soon. 

[Alpacalia]

Can you try joining some supportive groups? If you haven't, you could try joining groups related to your interests or hobbies. I joined a hiking group not too long ago, albeit I'm afraid of heights, so I do little hills for now 😬 but I hope to challenge myself more on. I'm sorry you felt your cousin wasn't there for you when your mother died. I know how much that can be painful especially when you are already struggling in other areas in your life. I'm sending you lots of love and hugs from here.

[glows]

Gosh, there are so many people going through the same thing - either disconnected from family, been through divorce or in a new place without many friends. See if there are local interest groups where you can meet new people. 

If you’re scrolling on social media and looking in on other people and comparing yourself stop. Stop doing that and put the phone down. Spend more time thinking about what makes you happy. Not what other people are necessarily doing looking like they are happy. You don’t know what they’re going through so it’s foolish to compare yourself to anyone. Feeling jealous is okay and maybe it’s a wake up call to focus more on you and what you can do about your life that’s realistic to you, now.

[MsJayne]

Sorry to hear you're feeling so down and isolated. Seeing our familiars doing really well in life when things aren't going so great for us can be very hard, especially if you have health issues and have to rely on disability support to survive. You're basing your self-esteem on how you measure up against other people in terms of financial and social success, never a good idea because there's always someone better or worse off than you. I'm making an assumption here so please forgive me if I'm wrong, but in reference to you saying males have been favored in your family, if your disability relates to poor mental health with a root cause in family dysfunction, I wonder if your support requirements have been adequately met? Are there any barriers to you joining interest groups, example, join a yoga class, etc? 

[d0nnivain]

Please accept my condolences on the deaths of your parents.  Whatever life you want, you have to build it for yourself.  If you have never read books about the power of positive thinking & the importance of gratitude in your life, I suggest you get some from the local library.  When you can work to appreciate what you do have & visualize the improvements you desire, you can help make them happen for yourself. 

You mention being on disability.  I am not suggesting you can wish those challenges away in your life but you may be able to find more people in your life who understand & who are supportive.  You should be able to increase your circle of friends.   

They say one of the best ways to feel better about yourself is to give of yourself to help others.  Find a way to contribute.   When you are more useful you will feel better about yourself.  It doesn't have to be grand.  I worked the polls yesterday for election day & felt like I was doing something positive for my community.  Find something like that you can do.   A disabled veteran in my Elks lodge used to help sell 50/50 tickets. He'd roll from table to table in his wheelchair.   We taught his service dog to hold the bucket handle.  Everybody has something they can offer.  

[NuevoYorko]

It's not to late to create things in your life to look forward to, which are enriching and fulfilling.  I know it gets harder as we grow older.  

[Lotsgoingon]

Definitely find some support groups, including a disability support group. You might have to try multiple groups before you find one that feels right, that feels like home and a family.

People in groups like this will process exactly what you're going through: seeing others with seemingly perfect lives while they struggle in isolation with their disability to build a life they want. AND you will find people who once were in the space you are at now and who figured out how to construct some of the life they wanted. You'll pick up all kinds of information to help you internally with your emotions and externally in making your way through the world. 

There have got to be groups like this in person and on zoom.