I_lost_myself Posted November 4, 2023 Share Posted November 4, 2023 I fell for a man who worked for me. I was in love before the affair started. We got close but never crossed a line until I was changing jobs and on my last day we were nothing short of magic... the synchronicities were off the chart between us for months!! Our connection was very deep, we talked 24/7. About 7-8 months ago he wanted to end it claiming he didn't want to betray his wife anymore and they were doing better in their marriage. He wanted to stay friends and stay close but I was so heartbroken. He then came to work for me again at my new job claiming he wanted to keep me in his life, said he loved me and wanted to be with me but just couldn't do it anymore so this was the only way to keep me in his life. Over the past 7 months or so I have really struggled to the point it has turned him into being cold and mean to me. I pour my heart out and he has turned his feelings off. I can not seem to let go of the affair and wanting our connection to be what it was. I can't seem to be just his friend eventhough I wish I could just to keep him in my life... Even without the physical part of it, the emotional connection was something so deep I can't even describe it. It feels gone now with no hope of return....... I am happily married in an open marriage. He is in a traditional marriage and it's not okay for him to be with me. I need to let go, I need to stop the pain... I just don't know when it will end... he told me he regretted the affair and it devastated me... he would say mean things and then message me the next day like nothing happened being sweet and saying things he knows are meaningful between us. It has been a yo-yo of emotions for so long... my thinking has become irrational and I've accused him of it not being real on his end and he was just playing out a fantasy... I've lashed out my hurt at him... not on purpose but I recognize it after I think about it... it has gotten to the point we can't even talk to each other anymore but have to for work and it's either we have very transactional work related sturn lipped conversations now or emotional arguments of how ridiculous I am that I still love him... he has withdrawn from me so much I no longer get responses to my messages, no longer get anything from him but a cold shoulder all because I can not control my feelings for him. I still even after everything love him so much... I miss him so deeply... my husband said it's going to hurt but I will heal... I've never in my life grieved so much for someone still living before. I keep believing we will reconnect... but we just keep getting further apart. How can he be so cold if he really loved me that much? I could never say I regretted him....... when will this pain stop?! When can I get over him the way he has gotten over me?! I'm tired... emotionally drained. Thanks for listening. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 4, 2023 Share Posted November 4, 2023 (edited) 33 minutes ago, I_lost_myself said: How can he be so cold if he really loved me that much? He’s tired of the drama. Quite simply, it sounds like he has come to a place of indifference because the affair has ended and he can not deal with your emotions anymore. I heard a great quote this week and I think it applies here. The quote was - “people don’t abandon the people they love. People abandon the people they are using.” He was using you, as you were using him. The fact that you developed feelings for the man has clouded this basic truth for you, but it is true none the less. 33 minutes ago, I_lost_myself said: When can I get over him the way he has gotten over me?! You are still invested in your relationship with this man, more than he is at this point. It’s a decision - to accept that this relationship is over. I would suggest that you put some distance between you, if possible, because it’s not possible to get over this relationship if you are trying to maintain a friendship or work with the man. You have feelings for the man - you can not be friends. You crossed that line a long time ago, and now you can’t go back. The challenge here is that he works for you, if I’m reading this right. Which means, you can’t fire the man without giving him cause for wrongful dismissal. To say that it was a very poor decision to hire your ex-affair partner is an understatement. At best, you should work to have a friendly, as you say “transactional” relationship at work. Keep it professional and find yourself a counsellor to help you to work through all your other feelings - he’s clearly not your guy anymore… Edited November 4, 2023 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 4, 2023 Share Posted November 4, 2023 53 minutes ago, I_lost_myself said: I am happily married in an open marriage. He is in a traditional marriage and it's not okay for him to be with me... I've lashed out my hurt at him... my husband said it's going to hurt but I will heal... Sorry this happened. It's important to realize that he is Not in an open marriage and doesn't operate by your standards. It's not right to harass him especially if you have a working relationship. He is trying to make his marriage better. Try to pull yourself together and be civil to him if you still work together. Perhaps improve your own marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted November 4, 2023 Share Posted November 4, 2023 Not meaning to be judgmental, but the only people I feel sorry for are your husband and the other guy's wife. Your post makes you sound very concerned with getting your needs met and not concern at all for the feelings of others. You're not the love of his life, his wife is, that's why he's still married to her. The whole scene sounds like a low-budget soap opera with a lot of over-acting and angst. 3 hours ago, I_lost_myself said: I am happily married in an open marriage. Are you? So why are you pining after someone else? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 4, 2023 Share Posted November 4, 2023 (edited) Further to Jayne’s point, I’m surprised by the fact that your husband has no problem with the fact that you’ve become so emotionally involved with this man. My understanding of “open marriage” is that there are often clear boundaries and emotional involvement, as opposed to casual sex, is often more than the other spouse will accept. OP, I think the title of your thread is very descriptive… you have lost yourself. You may also have lost your way as it relates to your marriage… it seems like it’s time to reel it back in and focus on yourself and your spouse. I know, that’s what you are having a difficult time doing and that was the question that you asked - how do I let go. There is no easy answer to that question. The end of any relationship is hard, it is painful, and it is a process… but, you have to realize that what you are feeling right now has less to do with your affair partner than it has to do with you. Which is why counselling would be a good idea, if you haven’t sought a counselling yet. When you get right with yourself, it won’t be nearly as hard to let go of this man who has already let go of you… And it goes without saying, if you are in an open marriage and you are looking for a sex partner, best not to choose another woman’s husband unless his wife confirms that he is available. As Jayne said, she is truly the wounded party here and that needs never to be forgotten. Edited November 4, 2023 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author I_lost_myself Posted November 4, 2023 Author Share Posted November 4, 2023 (edited) I thought this was a forum without judgment and I came here to get some support about moving on because I am very aware I need to... I am in the process of acknowledgement of my own part played in all of this... but I guess I was wrong coming here for help. I didn't share how he has continued to pull me back in when I try to step back, I didn't share how I won't talk to him for a few days and he will play the yo-yo game pulling me back in with saying meaningful things knowing it will continue to fuel the emotions I have to put blame, I am trying to own my part and move on... I did not come here for anything more than some help on how I can move on... but that's okay if it makes all of you feel better to judge me, make assumptions about my marriage, and my judge mistakes. Thanks everyone. Hope you all have a good night. Edited November 4, 2023 by I_lost_myself Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 4, 2023 Share Posted November 4, 2023 How do you move on? If you must see him at work, you limit your interactions and you keep it professional. There is a reason why people go no contact after any break-up - it is extremely difficult and extremely painful to end a relationship and move on when you are still in contact. Otherwise, you find yourself an individual counsellor and you do the work. That is the bottom line - Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 4, 2023 Share Posted November 4, 2023 Unfortunately, when you come to a public forum for advice you will get all types of answers, some you may not like but very often what you need to hear. That is why people come here because friends and family who love you often will not tell you the truth in fear of hurting you or you alienating them. If you find yourself struggling too much seek independent counseling to help you get over him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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