Why does the guy I'm dating ask if my flatmate is having guys over? He also mentions her quite often

[catalina2]

I want to start telling that my ex boyfriend cheated on me  2 years ago and he also was talking with his male friends about my female friends , having opinions about my female friends bodies ,chest, etc, so when I found this out I was left with a lot of insecurities and after 2 years single I'm dating this new guy that I really like (2,5months dating) and I don't really know how to handle these questions as I already started an argument  with him about his question and feel terribly sad as I'm unable to manage the situation. 

My first language is not English  so when he asked that question I understood having guys over at home means if she is [having sex with] with guys at home and I  asked him back  why  is he asking these sort of questions, he said what he meant was if she was dating someone recently. I told him why didn't he ask  if she is dating someone instead of if she is having guys over,I think having a guy over will lead in a hook up and intimacy.

Moreover,I told him he shouldn't ask about other's intimacy and I started an argument and I asked him if he was interested in my flatmate or what..I feel really bad about it and I don't know if his question was a right thing to ask or probably I'm overthinking as I experienced a bad situation in the past with my ex boyfriend talking about my female friends.

Then the next day  after that fight we were in the car and we passed over the gym that my flatmate goes, then he said "oh look, this is the gym that your flatmate goes" so again I told him that please stop bringing my flatmate to every coversation we have.he got overly mad and said that he won't talk to any of my female friends ever, so I've  told him I'm happy with him  being friends whit my female friends but his question about intimacy was not right .

Do you guys think my reaction was not right? He is very dry now and I think he is upset . I think i did the wrong thing but i also think his question is not right, how can i manage these situations that are linked with my insecurities from my past?

Thanks to everyone for your advice. 

Edited October 30, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Wiseman2]

Does he speak your language? Unfortunately it seems like a misunderstanding. For example maybe he wants to know if men are staying in your flat or if he is allowed to stay over? 

It's only been 10 weeks dating so try to calm down and get clarity before assuming the worst. 

Edited October 31, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

[catalina2]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Does he speak your language? Unfortunately it seems like a misunderstanding. For example maybe he wants to know if men are staying in your flat or if he is allowed to stay over? 

It's only been 10 weeks dating so try to calm down and get clarity before assuming the worst. 

He only speaks English while my first language is Spanish. We communicate in English  

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, catalina2 said:

He only speaks English while my first language is Spanish. We communicate in English  

Ok. Perhaps instead of punishing him for whatever your ex did and accusing him of being interested in your roommate, ask him to clarify. When he asks questions, simply say "why do you ask?" and get more information before jumping to conclusions. 

[d0nnivain]

His Qs were inappropriate but your reaction was over the top.  

Tell him your experience with your EX always commenting about your friends' bodies then cheating on you to explain why you reacted the way you did.  Hopefully that will get him to stop. 

It may have been a bit of a language barrier.  Could he have also been trying to find out if you & the roommate had rules against guys staying over?  He may have been looking to spend the night at your place & trying to make sure that was OK. 

[catalina2]

12 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

His Qs were inappropriate but your reaction was over the top.  

Tell him your experience with your EX always commenting about your friends' bodies then cheating on you to explain why you reacted the way you did.  Hopefully that will get him to stop. 

It may have been a bit of a language barrier.  Could he have also been trying to find out if you & the roommate had rules against guys staying over?  He may have been looking to spend the night at your place & trying to make sure that was OK. 

He sleeps at mine 2 nights per week or even 3 nights .

[MsJayne]

He's showing a bit too much interest in your flatmate's private life.  You're not being insecure, you're being wary of what's motivating his interest because experience has taught you to be watchful for signs that your partner's looking elsewhere. Does he flirt with her, or are there any other signs he may be interested in her? Does she do anything to encourage his attention? He may have just been making conversation, in which case your outburst would have seemed out of proportion to what he said, but him noting what gym she goes to does kind of suggest that he's locking in any details she tells him about herself, and that may not be a good thing from your point of view. 

[glows]

Agree with MsJayne. His comments about your flatmate having guys over is inappropriate. I don’t know what the full context of this conversation was but if you felt it was a strange comment it probably was. You did say/feel that he brings your flatmate into a lot of conversations. Can you clarify this a bit more? 

Do you really think he’s a bit too curious about her or do you think he’s an observant person in general? 

 

[catalina2]

.

Edited October 31, 2023 by catalina2

[catalina2]

21 minutes ago, glows said:

Agree with MsJayne. His comments about your flatmate having guys over is inappropriate. I don’t know what the full context of this conversation was but if you felt it was a strange comment it probably was. You did say/feel that he brings your flatmate into a lot of conversations. Can you clarify this a bit more? 

Do you really think he’s a bit too curious about her or do you think he’s an observant person in general? 

 

We were coming back home after a NBL game, then suddenly he asked if my flatmate is having guys over recently at home. I didn't take his question well and i didn't managed well how uncomfortable I did fell so i asked him why he is asking these questions about her. He said he is curious because she is part of my life ( I'm not even close friend with her) and then he said he was trying to make some conversation. I explained him why i did take the question as wrong and aksed him to please be more careful with the question he made Then the next day we were coming back home and again mentioned my flatmate so i told him in a polite well to please stop bringing her to every conversation we have.he become totally angry person and did not talk to me so i had to say sorry to him which i m not happy about it because i don't think i did something wrong by telling him to stop.

 

Then yesterday he said my behaviour was wearing down his self-esteem because he starts to question who is he, this for me accusing him of being interested in my flatmate. 

 

3 werks ago my flatmate had a birthday party in my house and she invited us, I told him I didn't want to attend the partu as since she is Indian I dont like her male friends because they are always flirting with me ( I'm Spanish) he said he already told my flatmate about he was going to attend the party so I told him that it is not good that he is making decisions behind my back, specially with people that he meet through me. He got a bit upset at the start.

 

He describes himself as a very sociable person and also takes pride that he has never cheat on any girlfriend and stuff. I believe it but for all what he has done about my flatmate is a bit annoying and I start to question wheter he has a fantasy with her or what ..    

[glows]

I can see why he would be upset if this is new. He’s sociable so I’m assuming he cares a lot whether people like him. For people who don’t place a great degree of importance on what others think, learning how others do care to the utmost can be a complete mind warp. In the situation with the party at your flat it sounds more like he was afraid what others would think if he said yes first and then not showed up or changing his mind. It looks like something is wrong from the outside - does that make sense?

Right now it looks like you’re the one having a problem with with a lot of people-  him and you also don’t like your flatmate or her friends. I see why he might feel drained and frustrated. What does your bf think about your flatmate’s friends flirting with you? 

I would take a moment to think here about whether it makes a difference if he has a fantasy about her. Instead of reacting to what you feel think it through and watch his behaviours and listen to him to understand what he really thinks about other people. This guy might just care a whole lot what others think or what other people are doing. Sociable people tend to be sensitive to that.

[glows]

And obviously if he turns you off or your priorities are completely different from one another maybe this guy isn’t a good match for you. Watch and listen more and observe. Decide then whether this is a relationship you want.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, catalina2 said:

He sleeps at mine 2 nights per week or even 3 nights .

Please stop asking him to stay over. Stay at his place. He's getting too comfortable and too nosy about your roommate. It's up to you to create distance between them and the only way to do that is to not inflict his overnight company on roommates. She has the right to live there and be there 24/7 . Your BF doesn't. Stop inviting him over. Go out more. Stay at his place. 

Edited October 31, 2023 by Wiseman2

[catalina2]

4 hours ago, glows said:

I can see why he would be upset if this is new. He’s sociable so I’m assuming he cares a lot whether people like him. For people who don’t place a great degree of importance on what others think, learning how others do care to the utmost can be a complete mind warp. In the situation with the party at your flat it sounds more like he was afraid what others would think if he said yes first and then not showed up or changing his mind. It looks like something is wrong from the outside - does that make sense?

Right now it looks like you’re the one having a problem with with a lot of people-  him and you also don’t like your flatmate or her friends. I see why he might feel drained and frustrated. What does your bf think about your flatmate’s friends flirting with you? 

I would take a moment to think here about whether it makes a difference if he has a fantasy about her. Instead of reacting to what you feel think it through and watch his behaviours and listen to him to understand what he really thinks about other people. This guy might just care a whole lot what others think or what other people are doing. Sociable people tend to be sensitive to that.

Thanks for your advice. Probably you are right and he does care about whar others think of him.

However my problem is not about him talking with her ,my problem is him being too interested in her and bringing her many times to our conversations.

I like my flatmate  but i dont like his friends because they are always trying to tell inappropriate things and they dont understand the word "No" or when a girl is not interested. 

The guy I'm seeing has no words about these guys flirting with me..however they didn't since I went with him to the party

[stillafool]

Truth -he finds your flatmate hella interesting and is very curious about her and perhaps attracted to her.  Your jealousy is obvious and it's turning him off.

[spiderowl]

On 10/30/2023 at 12:52 AM, catalina2 said:

I want to start telling that my ex boyfriend cheated on me  2 years ago and he also was talking with his male friends about my female friends , having opinions about my female friends bodies ,chest, etc, so when I found this out I was left with a lot of insecurities and after 2 years single I'm dating this new guy that I really like (2,5months dating) and I don't really know how to handle these questions as I already started an argument  with him about his question and feel terribly sad as I'm unable to manage the situation. 

My first language is not English  so when he asked that question I understood having guys over at home means if she is [having sex with] with guys at home and I  asked him back  why  is he asking these sort of questions, he said what he meant was if she was dating someone recently. I told him why didn't he ask  if she is dating someone instead of if she is having guys over,I think having a guy over will lead in a hook up and intimacy.

Moreover,I told him he shouldn't ask about other's intimacy and I started an argument and I asked him if he was interested in my flatmate or what..I feel really bad about it and I don't know if his question was a right thing to ask or probably I'm overthinking as I experienced a bad situation in the past with my ex boyfriend talking about my female friends.

Then the next day  after that fight we were in the car and we passed over the gym that my flatmate goes, then he said "oh look, this is the gym that your flatmate goes" so again I told him that please stop bringing my flatmate to every coversation we have.he got overly mad and said that he won't talk to any of my female friends ever, so I've  told him I'm happy with him  being friends whit my female friends but his question about intimacy was not right .

Do you guys think my reaction was not right? He is very dry now and I think he is upset . I think i did the wrong thing but i also think his question is not right, how can i manage these situations that are linked with my insecurities from my past?

Thanks to everyone for your advice. 

It is possible that you are being overly jealous, especially given what happened to you with your ex-boyfriend, but my instinctive feeling is that you are right to be concerned about his comments.  He may not be thinking of leaving you, but he is showing an unnecessary amount of interest in your housemate.  Personally, I would dump him and find someone else.  I can't see the point in continuing a relationship where you feel so uneasy about his comments and where he is so insensitive.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, catalina2 said:

  my problem is not about him talking with her ,my problem is him being too interested in her and bringing her many times to our conversations.

Revoke his privileges to stay overnight at your place. You're the connecting factor and if he's acting too curious or interested in your roommates, don't let him stay there. Unfortunately it's up to you to create this boundary, because she lives there. He doesn't need to hang around there.. 

[glows]

14 hours ago, catalina2 said:

Thanks for your advice. Probably you are right and he does care about whar others think of him.

However my problem is not about him talking with her ,my problem is him being too interested in her and bringing her many times to our conversations.

I like my flatmate  but i dont like his friends because they are always trying to tell inappropriate things and they dont understand the word "No" or when a girl is not interested. 

The guy I'm seeing has no words about these guys flirting with me..however they didn't since I went with him to the party

From what I’m reading in your recent post starting with the example of the NBL game, he has only mentioned your flatmate twice. Is this correct? Twice doesn’t seem like “many times”. Are there other examples? 

It sounds like your flatmate’s friends respect your relationship so start fresh and stay neutral with these people. 

Is it possible to have your place to yourself or get a place with no flatmates? This situation seems so tense and exhausting having to deal with so many people for one in your own home and how do you have privacy? It doesn’t sound like you get along with the flatmate or do you? 

I think your boyfriend cares a lot what others think of him especially you. If you think he’s a low life kind of guy fantasizing or wanting your flatmate it affects him. It would affect a lot of people when someone assumes the worst from you. So be very careful here. I’m curious if there were other examples or just the two where he brought her up.

[Alpacalia]

Sounds like he has a playful\-ish interest in your flatmate.  Not sure if he's trying to tease playfully or how much, but either way he can't let go of the flatmate topic. He might feel insecure, or just interested in her for gossip/fantasy purposes.

Personally, exes should not be a constant conversation topic in a new relationship, so that point will serve you well in now and future relationships. 

As for your boyfriend, I think given your known ex's behavior you seem to have a radar/impatience for any behavior that resembles it, then this might not be reasonable with this guy.  Also incidents easily giving you severe stress, could cause miscalculating assessments, and you projecting on others.  IMO the car comment had a lot more careless unintentional wordsong, than malintent, than the other occasion.  

You can't safeguard everybody. Good relations aren't about terrorization and guard your eardrum for any wrong move, but mutual trust. So for the relationship's sake, you either build tolerance, let it go, and find the self\-positiveness in him, or find somebody without the need of constantly keeping tabs on your flatmate. It's odd he feels the need to build the line in the sand like that, over your flatmate. Then again, he may just be a tool.

Edited November 1, 2023 by Alpacalia

[smackie9]

This is why we date...to find out what that person is like, how they treat you, how they behave, moral values, etc. It's only 2.5 months with him...that's hardly enough time to really know someone. I think your BF is a tool. IMO he has an unhealthy interest in your roommate. He just glazes over your concerns with silly excuses. Not kool. I would kick him to the curb. 

[Gaeta]

On 10/29/2023 at 8:52 PM, catalina2 said:

he also was talking with his male friends about my female friends , having opinions about my female friends bodies ,chest, etc

Did you share that part with your current boyfriend? If not, than l think you should and tell him because of what happened it brings you pain when he focuses in your room mate.

If he does not stop then drop him. Even if he is a good boyfriend he is not good for you. 

You cannot control your boyfriend but if you tell him that a certain behavior hurts you and he keeps doing it, then you need a better boyfriend. You are not asking him to stop breathing, you would like him to drop focusing on your room mate. 

I would not go to his place to avoid him coming in contact with my room mate, if he's a pest better know it asap.