Looking for thoughts on a hard decision

[MagsWick]

On 10/30/2023 at 5:47 PM, Wiseman2 said:

What was the natural of this breech of trust decades ago? The lies I told when slowly unpacking who I was before I met him - then my overly flirtatious behavior with other men, even after we were married. You're not responsible for your late husbands philandering and consorting with prostitutes. That was his choice. Yes it was. A choice he would have never considered were he not faced with a wife who seemed, to him, to be careless with his feelings and our marriage. No, one does not cause another to act or respond in any way. However, one can participate in behavior that will knowingly breed mistrust.

Have you considered grief support groups or especially therapy to unpack and sort out feelings of guilt and regret? Of course.

You don't need to tell your friend Lew about your husband's unseemly behavior at this point, I completely agree.and you also don't have to move to him to stay friends. I know that as well. We will always be friends. 

 

[MagsWick]

On 10/30/2023 at 6:30 PM, BaileyB said:

I’m sorry, maybe this is more than you want to discuss… but, why do you take the blame on yourself for your husband’s infidelity?  Because I was the first to engage in the behavior that led to the mistrust, and ultimately, his actions.

With kindness, marriage is hard. Women have children and they go through period of time when they don’t want or don’t have the time for sex. We all take our partner for granted sometimes. Goodness - even if you had an affair with another man… nothing gives him the right to cheat on you. And let’s be honest, this wasn’t “an affair.” He pursued the sexual services of multiple women for a very long time. Let’s say, you had a health condition that prevented you from having a sexual relationship with your husband - that still doesn’t give him the right to engage in a series of sexual encounters without your knowledge or consent. Understood, but those situations don't apply. We still enjoyed a vigorous intimate relationship, even while all this was going on.

If you have the ability to seek counselling, I would strongly advise this because I feel like you may be carrying a burden  that you really should learn how to very gently put down. I'm starting to realize how much this is impacting me, even now.

As it relates to a possible move, i understand that you are still working but if you have no family or friends in the area, maybe you should consider moving. As I said above, you don’t have to move to the same city where your husband’s infidelity occurred if that’s triggering to you - but to a nearby community where you could build a life together. Maybe it’s time to replace those unhappy memories with happy memories - Noted

We only get one life, and as you have learned - it’s short. If there is happiness to be found, don’t let it pass you by… Look forward, not backward. Do you hear what I’m trying to say…  I believe I do

Sure, there were wonderful memories with your husband but there was also a lot of pain… It’s ok to hold those two things together… in much the same way that you could potentially move closer to this man someday (when you are no longer working) and create beautiful new memories that will potentially soften the pain and ugliness of the past. Quite true

Time will tell you what feels right. Either this relationship will grow and you will want to be together (however that looks), or you will keep your friendship. Either way, it would seem to me that you still have a lot to heal as it relates to your husband’s infidelity. It also seems to me that this is a wonderful new opportunity for you to grow - to make new friends, find new adventures, heal your broken heart. This hits home.

 

[MagsWick]

15 hours ago, FMW said:

Your husband made his choices, you made yours.  Neither of you were responsible for how the other chose to respond to circumstances.  

Enjoy Lew's company and friendship as the current situation permits.  Don't contemplate big life changes right now.  Focus on coming to terms with what happened in your marriage and understanding that what happens in a marriage involves two people.  Forgive yourself for your own weaknesses and don't shoulder the weight of your husband's choices.  

Take a step back and breathe.

Excellent words for me to keep close.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, MagsWick said:

I think I really need to spend some time in quiet reflection while I find my way through my new life before making a decision on another new life.

Very wise.

As you say, if it’s meant to be, it will be.

If he truly loves you, he will support you in taking however much time you need to take for yourself. If he loves you, he will wait. 

I think, we are all encouraging you to be open to new possibilities when the time is right. Take whatever time you need, but don’t spend the rest of your life stuck in the past, lest you miss out on the joy of the present. Life moves only in one direction, forward.

The wonderful memories that you have from your marriage will always be with you.

 As a dear friend of mine says, wherever life takes you - you take the memories with you. That’s the beauty…

Best wishes. 

Edited November 1, 2023 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, MagsWick said:

Because I was the first to engage in the behavior that led to the mistrust, and ultimately, his actions.

I’m sorry, I don’t know the circumstances so I’m not sure that I understand what you are saying… Were you the first to cheat? Or, to be behave in an untrustworthy manner? 

If either of these situations are what you have not said, as the saying goes on this site, he had the right to a divorce - not to engage in behavior that would be devastatingly hurtful to you - in return. 

If you behaved in an untrustworthy, dishonest, or disloyal way - that is yours to own. That said, there were other, kinder, healthier, more respectful and responsible ways for him to deal the situation than cheating on you in the way he did for the length of time that he did. 

Do you see what I’m saying, nothing you could have ever done should have caused your husband to betray you and hurt you in this way. The decision to cheat was his decision - he owns that decision, not you. 

2 hours ago, MagsWick said:

Understood, but those situations don't apply.

It does not surprise me that they do not apply. Knowing little about the circumstances here, they were simply examples. I used them only to attempt to demonstrate that nothing you could have done justified or entitled him to cheat on you in the way that he did.

I’m assuming, of course, that you did not give your consent for him to engage with these women for the majority of your marriage. And it’s all the more sad if you did have a healthy sex life with the man, because his behavior put not only your emotional and mental health at risk, but also your physical health. 

Again, I’m sorry if this is more than you are prepared to consider and I do hope that you find the advice and support on this site to be helpful - that is the intention. Without knowing you or knowing what you did, this is the last I will say and I say it with concern and kindness - you did not deserve this pain. Nothing that you could have ever done could have warranted this kind of betrayal. The responsibility for these decisions and the “blame” is his alone.

 

 

Edited November 1, 2023 by BaileyB

[Lotsgoingon]

All you have to say is "I don't feel comfortable moving." That's it. You owe him nothing more. And likely he'll want nothing more than those words.

And if you want to tell him your exact why, then tell him.

Now to back up--you think this friend doesn't know your husband cheated? Really? I imagine he knows quite a lot about your husband's behavior. They were close--then he knows! I guarantee you he knows. And if he doesn't have specifics, I guarantee your husband let slip in a general way what he was doing. Now, the buddy might not have asked for details, but he totally knows. 

Why in the world would you think a best friend doesn't know the other is cheating on a spouse?  If he doesn't know, then he ain't no best friend. Cheating is a huge deal. People can't shut up about it, often because they are tortured.  There are people I'm NOT even close to--and I know (they told me) about their affairs, often multiple affairs. I have relatives whose affairs I know about--because they told me.