parker24 Posted October 26, 2023 Share Posted October 26, 2023 Hi everyone, just looking for some advice. Backstory: I (28M) have been dating my (26F) girlfriend since early this year. She recently moved a state away for grad school and I am planning to move there and get a place within the next couple of months. The new location is pretty expensive, so I have been looking to find a roommate. I have been looking with someone who was introduced to me early in my relationship with my girlfriend by her best friend and past roommate. She had known him well before I knew her. She recently told me before I decided to move with this person that she had hooked up with him once before I met her. It was a drunk one time thing. I am happy she told me because this makes me very uncomfortable and don’t want to live with him anymore. So I appreciate her honesty. And I understand why she hadn’t told me previously, because there was no need at the time until it became more real that I could end up living with him. I understand that we both have pasts and that is ok because it happened before me. We are in a loving and very committed relationship. I am moreso just uncomfortable because I really just don’t like knowing any details about my girlfriends past. I am happy she told me in this scenario, but it doesn’t hurt any less or feel any better to know/hear. I am just looking for validation in my feelings. Is it ok to be uncomfortable and a little upset about this knowledge while also being ok that we both have past lovers? I don’t want this to affect us at all, but it is definitely affecting my mood at the moment. Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted October 26, 2023 Share Posted October 26, 2023 yes your feelings are always valid, it's normal and ok to feel a little put off or bothered to ever think about your current SO having sex with any other person. the issue is, you can't hold that against them, and can't devalue them for it. this was a life before you ever knew each other, and had zero relation to you at all. i often have a little difficulty with thoughts like that, but there are some people in the world that those things don't seem to phase them at all. just remember your feelings are valid, it only becomes an issue if you try to force "your" feelings as being some truth or law that everyone should try to make you feel better because something upsets you, that's up to you to find a way to cope. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 26, 2023 Share Posted October 26, 2023 29 minutes ago, parker24 said: but it is definitely affecting my mood at the moment. It's called retroactive jealousy. Chase it out of your mind and enjoy what you have with her. You both had a life before, how would you feel if she was in a mood because you had a life before her. It's ok to feel a little pinching in the stomach when she tells you but it's not ok that you carry this with you. This should be gone out of your mind. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 26, 2023 Share Posted October 26, 2023 Intellectually knowing / understanding that your SO has a past is vastly different from having to deal with a prior hook up. Yes, you can feel uncomfortable about that particular guy / "friend". I put friend in quotes because he's more then some platonic guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 26, 2023 Share Posted October 26, 2023 @parker24: Is this someone you will have to come across again? Link to post Share on other sites
Author parker24 Posted October 26, 2023 Author Share Posted October 26, 2023 5 minutes ago, Gaeta said: @parker24: Is this someone you will have to come across again? Not necessarily. If I do, it will because he is good friends with my girlfriends best friend. But I will not come across him due to my girlfriends actions 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author parker24 Posted October 26, 2023 Author Share Posted October 26, 2023 34 minutes ago, flitzanu said: yes your feelings are always valid, it's normal and ok to feel a little put off or bothered to ever think about your current SO having sex with any other person. the issue is, you can't hold that against them, and can't devalue them for it. this was a life before you ever knew each other, and had zero relation to you at all. i often have a little difficulty with thoughts like that, but there are some people in the world that those things don't seem to phase them at all. just remember your feelings are valid, it only becomes an issue if you try to force "your" feelings as being some truth or law that everyone should try to make you feel better because something upsets you, that's up to you to find a way to cope. Makes sense. I am trying to not project my discomfort on to her. But I did only find this out a little over 24 hours ago, so I am still feeling the lingering affects. I expect this to pass once I have some time on my side. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 26, 2023 Share Posted October 26, 2023 I don’t blame you one bit for not wanting to live with someone who once slept with your girlfriend. There are lots of people looking for a roommate these days - you definitely don’t have to live with this guy. Otherwise, I think you have a good perspective. It can be all things - you accept that she has a past, you don’t necessarily want to hear about that past, and you don’t want to live with her former fling. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 26, 2023 Share Posted October 26, 2023 (edited) 1 hour ago, parker24 said: I have been looking with someone who was introduced to me early in my relationship with my girlfriend by her best friend and past roommate. She had hooked up with him once before I met her. he is good friends with my girlfriends best friend. Does she now live near these friends and him? Yes it would be uncomfortable living with him. It's interesting that they are close and still talk. Perhaps slow down on the moving and reflect why she moved to attend grad school around all these friends and former lovers. Edited October 26, 2023 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author parker24 Posted October 26, 2023 Author Share Posted October 26, 2023 2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Does she now live near these friends and him? Yes it would be uncomfortable living with him. It's interesting that they are close and still talk. Perhaps slow down on the moving and reflect why she moved to attend grad school around all these friends and former lovers. I can expand a bit. She does not live near either her friend or this guy. I met this guy through her friend when he was visiting the current city I live in. He works remote so it came up through conversation we were both interested in living in the same area. So we started the conversation about potentially living together and moving there. This is before I received the information that I did. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 27, 2023 Share Posted October 27, 2023 16 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: It's interesting that they are close and still talk. @parker24 Is that the case? Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted October 27, 2023 Share Posted October 27, 2023 22 hours ago, parker24 said: Not necessarily. If I do, it will because he is good friends with my girlfriends best friend. But I will not come across him due to my girlfriends actions Why is who she slept with such a big deal? you are both adults snd had sex with others. Relationships is about honesty snd trust which means you need to be adult enough to accept ehst shevtells you and not get jealous because of it. many have slept together for various reasons like (1) drunk, (2) random one night stand , (3) someone might say that person is attracting e but they know more about the person in terms of who they are snd goals/ wants that make thrm not a relationship person. Link to post Share on other sites
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