Believe I dodged a bullet

[StarryNight88]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

I'll tell you something, you may think your husband is satisfied with your sex life because he's able to relieve himself, but more than likely he finds it just as dull and boring as you do, and lusts after other women.

Trust me, I know he is not satisfied, but he is comfortable. Comfortable enough with me that I continue to look past his inadequacies. He has settled, and I’m restless. I happened to bring that up to him today and he says there is nothing he can do about it. So if he is not willing to change, why should I change my mind?

[stillafool]

44 minutes ago, StarryNight88 said:

He has settled, and I’m restless. I happened to bring that up to him today and he says there is nothing he can do about it. So if he is not willing to change, why should I change my mind?

What did you bring up to him today?  

[NuevoYorko]

On 10/23/2023 at 11:24 AM, StarryNight88 said:

If you are unhappy in your marriage, communication is key.  We are getting there.  I am getting there.  

So far, in your OP or in the ensuing thread, I have seen no sign that you and your husband are getting anywhere better in your marriage.

The whole AM escapade was a distraction for you.  You do need to address things that are really happening, and not happening,  in your life.

[StarryNight88]

46 minutes ago, stillafool said:

What did you bring up to him today?  

That I am not happy with our sex life. I’m telling you it is a very sore subject and it shut him down immediately. He feels there is nothing he can do to fix it.

[Weezy1973]

14 minutes ago, StarryNight88 said:

That I am not happy with our sex life. I’m telling you it is a very sore subject and it shut him down immediately. He feels there is nothing he can do to fix it.

Well according to you he can’t. You won’t entertain other options. He can’t maintain an erection as long as he used to, so it’s a fast experience if you want to orgasm from penetration and don’t want to use toys. There are pills that can help? Have you discussed that as an option?

 

My sense though is that this isn’t just about the sex. You’re “restless” in your own words. I suspect you’re probably going through a midlife crisis. Where you’re wondering if a life of wife and mom is enough. A lot of midlife divorces happening nowadays apparently. My sister is separating from her husband who, in her own words, did nothing. None of the 3 “A”s of divorce (Adultery, Abuse and Addiction). She still thinks she’s a great guy. But she’s searching for “more”. And can’t exactly put a finger on what “more” entails. The question to ask, is this unhappiness with your marriage “real”? Or is it all in your mind? Are you imagining some kinds of “perfect” life / relationship that doesn’t exist?

 

Often when we’re mired in our own unhappiness with a relationship we focus exclusively on the bad stuff and ignore the good stuff - especially if you’re contemplating having an affair. It’s way easier on your ego if you convince yourself it’s due to a terrible husband. But we fantasize that we can have a relationship with all the good stuff in the current relationship as well as the stuff that’s “missing”. Grass is Greener Syndrome.

 

At the end of the day, you have to explore your core values. Who are you as a person? What kind of mom, wife, friend, daughter etc. do you want to be? 

[MsJayne]

2 hours ago, StarryNight88 said:

along the way I lost my identity and I want to get back to where I was

Ah, so there's some early mid-life crisis stuff going on, that terrible nagging suspicion that you've lost something. It can be an unpleasant phase of life if you're unfulfilled and feel you could have done better. Finding a new sex partner isn't the answer to it, finding gratitude and contentment with the life you've built and looking for ways to make it better would maybe be an option? You need to bring this up with your husband, find the courage and just confront it. Maybe start by asking him if he's truly happy in your marriage, and be prepared to hear his side of the story and let him know yours. You might be surprised at the change it could bring about. 

[glows]

What’s going on with your identity and feeling restless? Have you no purpose or any interests/passions? I went through a period like this myself and also want to say not everyone is gung ho and crazy passionate about everything. You should know what you stand for and figure out what you want in this life. Work towards something that matters to you even if it’s on a smaller scale and it brings you joy. So what if it’s something no one else would think twice about. Maybe you’ve always wanted to join a choir or you want to bake cakes for the community. You seem stuck and afraid of what people think. Free yourself.

The more you write the more I think the problem is you feeling inadequate and lost and this has less to do with your husband. I’m assuming your relationship is not oppressive in any way. 
 

Edited October 25, 2023 by glows

[Acacia98]

On 10/23/2023 at 9:24 PM, StarryNight88 said:

I noticed around the time our first child was one, he couldn't perform like he used to.  Sex was very rushed and quick.  He always got his but I never got mine.  That was almost 16 years ago.  I can count on one hand how many times I have orgasmed from penetration since our kids were born.  The real kicker is we have sex quite a bit.  I would say roughly 2-3 times a week.  Again, very quick, he gets his, and I am left disappointed.  He tends to feel very guilty afterwards and I don't want to hurt his feelings, so I always say it is fine.  But lately it hasn't been fine.  I find myself daydreaming about someone who can give me that feeling all over again.

(...)

How could I, the confident, strong woman that I am, stoop this low?  I became super depressed.  My husband didn't know what was wrong with me.  I just told him I have been feeling like this and that I need to maybe talk to someone.  He is very supportive and told me I should.

(...)

Sites like AM make it easy to have an affair, but don't give the real fine print.  I don't want to speak on behalf of men because from what I saw from the site, they can easily have sex with multiple partners for years on end with absolutely no remorse or feelings.  However, women are more emotionally attached creatures.

(...)

As much as the rejection hurt me from these strangers, the fact that I can walk away with some dignity and know that I have never been touched by anyone else makes me happy.  Ladies, AM is very dangerous.  If you are feeling down, it will only make you feel worse.  I don't even know what I would do if I started an affair with one of these men.  I look at it as a blessing in disguise.  If you are unhappy in your marriage, communication is key.  We are getting there.  I am getting there.  The grass is not always greener on the other side.

1. Perhaps it's just me, but I tend to think if someone really wants to do better, they try. They don't just continue doing things the same old way and feeling guilty/apologizing afterwards. So I guess what I wonder is whether your husband has made concrete efforts to do things differently or to try to figure out what else can help you reach orgasm. Could you tell us that at greater length than you do in your several posts? I feel like I'm getting an incomplete picture of the situation.

2. You should talk to someone. Have you considered individual counselling? It would give you a safe space in which to explore your feelings and talk to someone about what's on your mind and even address your desire/attempts to cheat on your husband (without being judged). You could even explore other issues, for instance your childhood, which seems to have been difficult in some ways. 

3. The conclusions you've drawn about men and women from your stint on AM are simply too broad. All you can really talk about is yourself and, to a limited extent, the two or three guys you interacted with.

4. You say you learned a lesson about how being on AM was wrong, but you are still on it, albeit inactive. Isn't that an inherent contradiction? 

On 10/24/2023 at 1:40 AM, StarryNight88 said:

My marriage is very rocky. I really don’t know what I want anymore. I regret opening that Ashley Madison door, but in a way I feel like it opened my eyes a bit. I am still on it but very inactive.

I'm curious. Why haven't you closed your account?

16 hours ago, StarryNight88 said:

He would never be ok with an open marriage that is why I have never brought it up.

No, being on this adultery app is not okay. I just figured I could keep it under wraps and no one would know. Divorce to the world is loud and clear.

Our marriage is rocky for other reasons, but the terrible sex is what is really pushing me over the edge lately. Our sex before kids was fantastic. Honestly if it was horrible before marriage I would have never stayed with him. It is very important to me. Sex with someone I barely know at this point that can get me off is looking good.

Never considered marriage therapy. I’m at the point where it would just make me more upset if I spent time and money on something that wasn’t 100% guaranteed.

You don't have to go down the marriage therapy road at first. You can go for individual counselling first. Among other things, the individual counselling could help you figure out whether you want to attempt marriage counselling.

Now, I think it's important to understand that marriage counseling is not designed to give you a 100% guarantee. It's not a financial transaction. It's a process that, ideally should help you and your spouse figure out whether you should be together. If you decide to remain together, it can give you the tools to strengthen your relationship. If you decide to separate, it can help you figure out how to end the relationship in a healthier fashion than you otherwise would.

14 hours ago, StarryNight88 said:

I know this is the best advice that anyone could ever give me. I have to fight these demons alone because I just don’t have anyone in my life that I would feel comfortable enough telling this information to.  

You don't have to do anything alone. You can go for individual counselling. I'm starting to get the impression that there's a part of you that's committed to being a martyr/suffering. You have various options that you can pursue to begin to address the challenges facing you, but you keep coming up with reasons not to pursue them. Why? That's something else you can explore in individual counselling.

12 hours ago, StarryNight88 said:

Yes, you are right. I am a pretty non confrontational person and have absolutely no idea of how to even bring this up to him. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Individual counselling could help you with this. I mean to say you could learn how to be more assertive and talk to your husband about the things that matter to you and to your marriage.

11 hours ago, stillafool said:

You can, but you won't make any changes.  You won't confront your husband about your unhappy sex life, you are afraid of rejection so you won't divorce and find a new man, you aren't open to finding new ways to enjoy sex with your husband.  I'll tell you something, you may think your husband is satisfied with your sex life because he's able to relieve himself, but more than likely he finds it just as dull and boring as you do, and lusts after other women.  You would probably be doing not only yourself, but him a favor by bringing your sex life up and trying to improve it.

I agree with this sentiment.

[Alpacalia]

13 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

It’s way easier on your ego if you convince yourself it’s due to a terrible husband. But we fantasize that we can have a relationship with all the good stuff in the current relationship as well as the stuff that’s “missing”. Grass is Greener Syndrome.

Agree.

People like to justify and rationalize for having an affair but at the end of the day you have choices you're just choosing not to take them.

[mark clemson]

19 hours ago, StarryNight88 said:

 But I really just want to be aligned with my next person on all levels. Is that having the best of both worlds? Why can’t we have that?

Well - you can either have your husband or your next person (barring an affair, which probably wouldn't be satisfactory for you). Having your next person means giving up what you do have with your husband. That's what I meant.

Being aligned on all levels is challenging as people (including you) are moving targets that slowly change over time. Even if you start out "perfect for each other in every way" that might not be true in 10 or 15 years. So you have to keep your expectations reasonable IMO.

Certainly the sexual aspects of a relationship are an important factor for many folks. It's what differentiates a lover (and for many if not most a husband or wife) from "just a friend".

I'm not advising you one way or the other WRT what to do about your marriage, but I would note that people can have relative hyper- and hypo-sexual phases in their lives. It's entirely possible that your current interest level in sex may fade (and even fade but then return). So there is that to consider. However being unhappy in a marriage (including the sex part) is what drives many people to either cheat or divorce. As I outlined above you generally only have so many options.

[mark clemson]

I will note in passing that, after several years posting on this site, the logic of "be a good person: divorce instead of cheating" seems somewhat flawed to me. Divorce is probably going to hurt your partner emotionally almost as much as cheating, while if cheating remains undiscovered and you stay in the marriage, your partner might stay content. Divorce, if you carry through with it, presumably has a lower chance of "recovery" than cheating, as reconciliations after cheating are not uncommon.

So there is a "risk" calculation to factor in there. However if cheating is not for you, it's not for you, which is fine. I'm certainly NOT recommending it or anything like that, just pointing out what I've observed.

Edited October 25, 2023 by mark clemson

[stillafool]

15 hours ago, StarryNight88 said:

That I am not happy with our sex life. I’m telling you it is a very sore subject and it shut him down immediately. He feels there is nothing he can do to fix it.

Then you should tell him that either something is done to improve it, or you want an open marriage.  What do you have to lose at this point by being completely honest?

[Alpacalia]

7 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Divorce is probably going to hurt your partner emotionally almost as much as cheating, while if cheating remains undiscovered and you stay in the marriage, your partner might stay content.

That's a very utilitarian view. 

[Bryanp]

Have you suggested marriage counseling for the both of you? It's worth a try.