StarryNight88 Posted October 23, 2023 Posted October 23, 2023 So....this is going to be a lengthy one. I'll give you a little background first. I grew up in a pretty strict household where sex and "spicy" topics were never talked about or tolerated. When I started blossoming into a young woman I felt very sexual and made to feel like it should be suppressed. I was very attractive and all the boys liked me at school. Once I graduated I settled very quickly for the man I lost my virginity to. We had some rocky times, and ended up breaking up. During that time I explored a bit, but only had sex with one other person, which was awful. I had a couple of other sexual encounters (not sex) with three other men as well. All were pretty disappointing. The man I lost my virginity to came back in the picture and he really knew how to rock my world. That is probably the reason I came back to him time and time again. We eventually married and to this day are married with two wonderful children. I noticed around the time our first child was one, he couldn't perform like he used to. Sex was very rushed and quick. He always got his but I never got mine. That was almost 16 years ago. I can count on one hand how many times I have orgasmed from penetration since our kids were born. The real kicker is we have sex quite a bit. I would say roughly 2-3 times a week. Again, very quick, he gets his, and I am left disappointed. He tends to feel very guilty afterwards and I don't want to hurt his feelings, so I always say it is fine. But lately it hasn't been fine. I find myself daydreaming about someone who can give me that feeling all over again. During the summer, my curiosity got the best of me, and I signed up for Ashley Madison. I had heard of the site before, but never thought I would actually be one of these women who signed up. At first I was very nervous. I didn't think it would go anywhere and I didn't even put a picture at first. A few days go by and I sign in again, almost forgetting that I signed up. I had quite a few messages from all these horny, married men that didn't even know anything about me or how I looked. I was quite appalled. I couldn't believe that men felt comfortable sending a nude picture to a person they don't even know. I have been out of the game for awhile, so I began to think that this was the new deal. I thought it would be fun to add a blurry picture of myself so maybe I could flirt with someone. Get those butterflies back from behind the scenes. Super carefree, no one gets hurt. Then one day I got a message from a user that was very handsome. At the time I didn't realize that the men had to pay with each message they sent on the website, so he asked if we could chat on a messenger app. At first I was a bit uneasy, but I caved and did it. Again, didn't think too much of it. All seemed pretty innocent. We would have some good morning texts here and there, and got to know each other a bit more. He seemed very respectful and never asked me anything sexually really, which was refreshing. I asked if he had done this before and he said yes. He even went on to say he had an affair with a woman for almost three years! Three years, I thought. How did no one catch feelings? It seems like so long to be wrapped up with another person. I would probably lose my mind. After a few weeks of conversation, he asked if we could meet for coffee. I was very nervous. I felt so bad doing this to my husband. I thought, I can say yes, and then back out. The date was about a week away. I told him yes and we decided on a location. The day we were supposed to meet, I started getting cold feet. I messaged him in the morning saying I was very nervous and was worried if I liked him that it would complicate my life. He was very sweet and understanding saying he didn't want me to feel uncomfortable. I wish he wouldn't have been so nice about it, because I went ahead and told him yes. We were supposed to meet at noon, and I stood him up. Ended up getting lunch with my husband instead. I felt very relieved but sad at the same time. I figured I would much rather make this stranger sad and stand him up then to make my husband hate me and potentially leave me. A couple of weeks later, the guilt was eating me up for standing this guy up. I reached out to him on the messaging app and apologized for standing him up. I didn't think he would even respond to me, but he did. Saying he appreciated me reaching out, but it wasn't cool of me to do that. I agreed and asked him if we could keep messaging on the app. He said sure, and we messaged for about a month more. Again, our messages were never really sexual. I felt like I was talking to a friend about my life, my plans and whatnot. One weekend I spent some time with myself and went on a long walk. I was very confused as to what I was feeling. I came to the conclusion that I thought he was a nice guy and maybe we could become friends. How ignorant am I? I texted him that weekend to see if he wanted to meet up for coffee during the week. He was hesitant at first because of what happened last time. He kept asking me if I was sure. I told him I was. I thought to myself, nothing is going to happen unless I want it to happen. The day we were going to meet up I confirmed with him in the morning. He texted me saying yes, and I started to get ready. I didn't have any guilt this time and felt okay. I didn't know if this was a good thing or a bad thing. I was about to head that way when he texted me. He said that he didn't have time and we should postpone. I thought to myself, this is what I get for standing him up in the first place. I tried to come up with a different day/time, but he left me on read. I few days passed, and I reached out to him again. He said he met someone and that he was going to pursue things with her. I was hurt. Not gonna lie. And it's funny because I started feeling bad for his wife. Started thinking that she must be so oblivious to this man she calls her husband. I wished him well, and that was that. I felt restless. It was a tease. I wanted more. A week later I opened up a different profile on AM. This time I had a better bio, better blurry picture. This time I really wanted to meet someone. Like I was really ready. I thought, I deserve to feel good. I deserve to get as much pleasure as my husband. I need it, I want it. A few days later a handsome man sent me his picture. His profile was pretty lame, but he was super cute. We ended up messaging each other on a different message app. He was very sexual right away. We talked dirty about fantasies. How we were both sexually frustrated in our marriages. Much different conversation than I had with the first one. We sent a couple of picture back and forth to each other but we were both fully clothed. I would never send anyone I naked picture of myself. We texted for a week. On the last day, he said he felt a lot of lust towards me. I said I felt the same. He said he had never met up with anyone from the site before and I told him I hadn't either. Even though we didn't know each other, I somehow felt a very strong connection to him. I found myself thinking about him much more than I should have been. After he told me about feeling lust towards me, he asked for a picture of my body. I was hesitant, not because I am not happy with my body, just that I didn't know how to take it. I sent him one, fully clothed, and he commented that my body was sexy. I texted him back shortly after then I realized that my text didn't go through. The next morning I texted him good morning, and again, the text didn't go through. That uneasy feeling crept through my body, and I realized shortly afterwards that he blocked me. I felt so ashamed. How could I, the confident, strong woman that I am, stoop this low? I became super depressed. My husband didn't know what was wrong with me. I just told him I have been feeling like this and that I need to maybe talk to someone. He is very supportive and told me I should. The moral of the story is clear to me now that I don't have this mind fog. Sites like AM make it easy to have an affair, but don't give the real fine print. I don't want to speak on behalf of men because from what I saw from the site, they can easily have sex with multiple partners for years on end with absolutely no remorse or feelings. However, women are more emotionally attached creatures. I started off innocently by wanting to flirt with someone and strike up little convos here and there. Nothing crazy. But what I was really craving was something new. After my husband and I would have sex, I would tent to watch porn and get off that way. It just got old. Porn stopped doing it for me. I wanted something live and in the moment. What I really need to do is let him know that I need more. It was wrong of me to signup for this site and talk to these men behind his back. I went in there feeling like a rare dime piece, and left feeling like a used up piece of garbage. And I didn't even meet anyone! As much as the rejection hurt me from these strangers, the fact that I can walk away with some dignity and know that I have never been touched by anyone else makes me happy. Ladies, AM is very dangerous. If you are feeling down, it will only make you feel worse. I don't even know what I would do if I started an affair with one of these men. I look at it as a blessing in disguise. If you are unhappy in your marriage, communication is key. We are getting there. I am getting there. The grass is not always greener on the other side.
Wiseman2 Posted October 23, 2023 Posted October 23, 2023 How is your marriage now? Are you still on Ashley Madison? Please seek support and help if this is troubling you: https://saa-recovery.org/am-i-a-sex-addict/
MsJayne Posted October 23, 2023 Posted October 23, 2023 Have you ever spoken to your husband about his sexual inadequacy? There's always divorce if you're that unhappy.
Author StarryNight88 Posted October 23, 2023 Author Posted October 23, 2023 2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: How is your marriage now? Are you still on Ashley Madison? Please seek support and help if this is troubling you: https://saa-recovery.org/am-i-a-sex-addict/ My marriage is very rocky. I really don’t know what I want anymore. I regret opening that Ashley Madison door, but in a way I feel like it opened my eyes a bit. I am still on it but very inactive.
Author StarryNight88 Posted October 23, 2023 Author Posted October 23, 2023 2 hours ago, MsJayne said: Have you ever spoken to your husband about his sexual inadequacy? There's always divorce if you're that unhappy. Not really. Again, I know it is a sensitive subject and I know he is really hard on himself. I just don’t know how to approach it. At this point I am stuck. I know in my post I said the grass isn’t always greener. But should continue living my life content on never feeling real pleasure, or leave my husband and see if I can have the best of both worlds?
stillafool Posted October 23, 2023 Posted October 23, 2023 12 minutes ago, StarryNight88 said: But should continue living my life content on never feeling real pleasure, or leave my husband and see if I can have the best of both worlds? There are more ways to have sex other than PIV. He can use his mouth, toys and other ways. I'm sure he wants to please you so let him know you are willing to do other things just to have sex with him.
MsJayne Posted October 23, 2023 Posted October 23, 2023 59 minutes ago, StarryNight88 said: But should continue living my life content on never feeling real pleasure, or leave my husband and see if I can have the best of both worlds? Only you can figure that out. Depends how you really feel about your husband, and how much value you place on your marriage and your family life. You owe it to him to bring up the subject and have an honest discussion about it, you never know, the honesty might inject another dimension to the bond between you and improve your sex life as a by-product. It's no surprise to hear your foray into that particular online experience left you feeling uncomfortable, it's based on introducing mutually dissatisfied and unhappy people. Maybe ask yourself if your husband really deserves to be deceived, and how you might feel if it was him looking for affairs, and how you'd feel if you got caught and it broke up your family.
Author StarryNight88 Posted October 24, 2023 Author Posted October 24, 2023 2 hours ago, MsJayne said: Only you can figure that out. Depends how you really feel about your husband, and how much value you place on your marriage and your family life. You owe it to him to bring up the subject and have an honest discussion about it, you never know, the honesty might inject another dimension to the bond between you and improve your sex life as a by-product. It's no surprise to hear your foray into that particular online experience left you feeling uncomfortable, it's based on introducing mutually dissatisfied and unhappy people. Maybe ask yourself if your husband really deserves to be deceived, and how you might feel if it was him looking for affairs, and how you'd feel if you got caught and it broke up your family. That is a really great point about people from that website. When you have a platform of unhappy people that are dissatisfied with their marriage looking to cheat, it really is a recipe for disaster. To be completely honest, I don’t have a jealous bone in my body. If the tables were turned and my husband cheated, it would make my life easier to just move on. It bothers me that in order for us to separate it will have to be because of me. I’m afraid my kids will resent me and get shunned by my extended family. I really am lost. It’s been a long road together and I think we have built a good life, but at this point, I want more. Does this make me a bad person? Am I being selfish? I just don’t know anymore.
Author StarryNight88 Posted October 24, 2023 Author Posted October 24, 2023 3 hours ago, stillafool said: There are more ways to have sex other than PIV. He can use his mouth, toys and other ways. I'm sure he wants to please you so let him know you are willing to do other things just to have sex with him. Yes, I do understand that. But to me there is nothing better than a man on top of me and having an all natural orgasm. Toys don’t really do it for me.
glows Posted October 24, 2023 Posted October 24, 2023 21 minutes ago, StarryNight88 said: To be completely honest, I don’t have a jealous bone in my body. If the tables were turned and my husband cheated, it would make my life easier to just move on. It bothers me that in order for us to separate it will have to be because of me. I’m afraid my kids will resent me and get shunned by my extended family. Then what you’re really afraid of is social stigma and being judged. The marriage is effectively over as you’re still on the website and wanting what your husband can’t give you. That’s what you’re telling yourself and him (even though he doesn’t appear to know it). You reinforce that your husband isn’t what or who you want when you keep visiting these sites. And that is not a moral judgment on you but an observation as a third party looking in. Maybe do more soul searching and figure out what you’re so afraid of in moving on and being honest that your marriage isn’t what you want anymore. Are you able to support yourself? 1
Author StarryNight88 Posted October 24, 2023 Author Posted October 24, 2023 1 hour ago, glows said: Maybe do more soul searching and figure out what you’re so afraid of in moving on and being honest that your marriage isn’t what you want anymore. Are you able to support yourself? Yes, I am able to support myself. We have many thing, including a house, that we bought together. I guess I just wouldn’t even know where to start. That could possibly be why I stick around. Keeping up with a certain lifestyle? Idk anymore.
Wiseman2 Posted October 24, 2023 Posted October 24, 2023 2 hours ago, StarryNight88 said: I just wouldn’t even know where to start. Ask your husband for an open relationship if you feel divorce would be inconvenient. You claim you would be shunned by family for divorcing, but being on casual sex, hookup and adultery apps would be okay? Why is your marriage "rocky"? Is it just because of selfish slambam sex on your husband's part? How old is he and how was the sex before you had children? Is it the excitement of taboo sex that turns you on? Or is your husband simply that bad in bed? Sexual incompatibilities can erode a marriage however have you considered marriage therapy or both of you seeing a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and asking for a referral to a qualified therapist individually and for marriage therapy?
Author StarryNight88 Posted October 24, 2023 Author Posted October 24, 2023 6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Ask your husband for an open relationship if you feel divorce would be inconvenient. You claim you would be shunned by family for divorcing, but being on casual sex, hookup and adultery apps would be okay? Why is your marriage "rocky"? Is it just because of selfish slambam sex on your husband's part? How old is he and how was the sex before you had children? Is it the excitement of taboo sex that turns you on? Or is your husband simply that bad in bed? Sexual incompatibilities can erode a marriage however have you considered marriage therapy or both of you seeing a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and asking for a referral to a qualified therapist individually and for marriage therapy? He would never be ok with an open marriage that is why I have never brought it up. No, being on this adultery app is not okay. I just figured I could keep it under wraps and no one would know. Divorce to the world is loud and clear. Our marriage is rocky for other reasons, but the terrible sex is what is really pushing me over the edge lately. Our sex before kids was fantastic. Honestly if it was horrible before marriage I would have never stayed with him. It is very important to me. Sex with someone I barely know at this point that can get me off is looking good. Never considered marriage therapy. I’m at the point where it would just make me more upset if I spent time and money on something that wasn’t 100% guaranteed.
stillafool Posted October 24, 2023 Posted October 24, 2023 It sounds like the only solution you have for your problem is to have sex with other men. That is not sustainable because you will get deeply hurt and feel worse than you do now when he withdraws the sex. If you are not getting sex and your marriage is rocky for other reasons too, maybe consider a divorce and go after a man who will make you happy. I guarantee cheating on your husband won't.
Author StarryNight88 Posted October 24, 2023 Author Posted October 24, 2023 42 minutes ago, stillafool said: It sounds like the only solution you have for your problem is to have sex with other men. That is not sustainable because you will get deeply hurt and feel worse than you do now when he withdraws the sex. If you are not getting sex and your marriage is rocky for other reasons too, maybe consider a divorce and go after a man who will make you happy. I guarantee cheating on your husband won't. I know this is the best advice that anyone could ever give me. I have to fight these demons alone because I just don’t have anyone in my life that I would feel comfortable enough telling this information to. Sex with another person will not fix my problems. It is just a quick solution to make me forget about my problems, but in the long run, will only complicate my life further. I guess I’ve been feeling down for so long, it would be nice to feel good. But good in all the wrong ways…
Author StarryNight88 Posted October 24, 2023 Author Posted October 24, 2023 40 minutes ago, stillafool said: How old are your children? They are 16 and 12.
Weezy1973 Posted October 24, 2023 Posted October 24, 2023 13 hours ago, StarryNight88 said: Yes, I do understand that. But to me there is nothing better than a man on top of me and having an all natural orgasm. Toys don’t really do it for me. I think this is a problem. Nobody is designed for our happiness. You acknowledge that there are many ways to get sexual pleasure, but don’t want any of them. Instead you demand your husband do the one thing that he no longer can do. Marriage = compromise. That being said, sounds like your marriage as a whole is on shaky ground and the sex thing is just the last straw. Get a divorce. Bite the bullet of social stigma. This is your only life. Why spend it in a marriage where you’re miserable? 1
Author StarryNight88 Posted October 24, 2023 Author Posted October 24, 2023 36 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: That being said, sounds like your marriage as a whole is on shaky ground and the sex thing is just the last straw. Get a divorce. Bite the bullet of social stigma. This is your only life. Why spend it in a marriage where you’re miserable? Yes, you are right. I am a pretty non confrontational person and have absolutely no idea of how to even bring this up to him. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
mark clemson Posted October 24, 2023 Posted October 24, 2023 (edited) You can't "have the best of both worlds". You can try to improve your marriage. You can divorce (not that I'm recommending that) and either date around or look for someone else. You can cheat, but this tends to be dissatisfying if you want more than what the parameters of an affair allow. Also doing so takes substantial risks of blowing up what you do have and/or hurting your partner emotionally and eroding the trust and "bond" in your marriage. It takes similar risks for an AP if they are also married/in a relationship. You can ask for an open marriage but that requires the consent of your partner and tends to also be limited and to carry somewhat similar risks to cheating despite being "open" if the couple isn't genuinely right for it. You can do nothing about your marriage/romantic situation but try to improve your life/overall life satisfaction in other ways. These are the same main options anyone dissatisfied in their marriage has. Like everyone else, you'll have to "pick your poison". Edited October 24, 2023 by mark clemson 1
Author StarryNight88 Posted October 24, 2023 Author Posted October 24, 2023 13 minutes ago, mark clemson said: You can't "have the best of both worlds". You can try to improve your marriage. You can divorce (not that I'm recommending that) and either date around or look for someone else. You can cheat, but this tends to be dissatisfying if you want more than what the parameters of an affair allow. Also doing so takes substantial risks of blowing up what you do have and/or hurting your partner emotionally and eroding the trust and "bond" in your marriage. It takes similar risks for an AP if they are also married/in a relationship. You can ask for an open marriage but that requires the consent of your partner and tends to also be limited and to carry somewhat similar risks to cheating despite being "open" if the couple isn't genuinely right for it. You can do nothing about your marriage/romantic situation but try to improve your life/overall life satisfaction in other ways. These are the same main options anyone dissatisfied in their marriage has. Like everyone else, you'll have to "pick your poison". I understand that there are many options and know that anything is a gamble. I would hate to stay with him and 20 years down the line have so much resent because nothing has changed and then I will really feel stuck. Then again if I leave him and find out that I am not cut out for this “new age” dating world, I will be alone forever. The thing is, I have always been content with being alone. There are times I am envious of single ladies. No one to question me and have complete freedom. At the end of the day my husband and I are really the best of friends. That is what it feels like. We have made a beautiful life together for our children and have great memories. I would just hate to close this chapter and lose my best friend. But I really just want to be aligned with my next person on all levels. Is that having the best of both worlds? Why can’t we have that?
stillafool Posted October 24, 2023 Posted October 24, 2023 6 minutes ago, StarryNight88 said: Why can’t we have that? You can, but you won't make any changes. You won't confront your husband about your unhappy sex life, you are afraid of rejection so you won't divorce and find a new man, you aren't open to finding new ways to enjoy sex with your husband. I'll tell you something, you may think your husband is satisfied with your sex life because he's able to relieve himself, but more than likely he finds it just as dull and boring as you do, and lusts after other women. You would probably be doing not only yourself, but him a favor by bringing your sex life up and trying to improve it. 3
Wiseman2 Posted October 24, 2023 Posted October 24, 2023 (edited) 2 hours ago, StarryNight88 said: Believe I dodged a bullet To be honest extramarital trysts and hookup apps are all bullets, so your unpleasant encounter with married people or people only looking for sex is par for the course. You claim you built a life together and are "best friends", and generally get along. You have sex but he is inattentive and ejaculates prematurely so orgasms during intercourse are not happening since you had children. Perhaps therapy could help you decide what the best course is since cheating and divorcing because you don't climax during intercourse are not the only options. For example is throwing it all away now going to make you happy when you're old divorced find other men problematic just because you didn't O during intercourse enough? Privately and confidentiality speak to a therapist frankly about what is going on. You can discuss the affairs, your marriage in general your libido and sexual life and perhaps unpack and sort out what's really going on and some more viable and desirable solutions. Edited October 24, 2023 by Wiseman2
MsJayne Posted October 24, 2023 Posted October 24, 2023 18 hours ago, StarryNight88 said: It’s been a long road together and I think we have built a good life, but at this point, I want more. What exactly do you want more of? Just sex? Or is it romance and passion that's missing as well? You said that your husband's hard on himself over his inadequate performance, so I find it odd that he hasn't taken any steps to improve things. Would that be because he's embarrassed? Or he just doesn't care? Most men are aware these days that it's important for a female partner to be satisfied as well, so if he's not interested in addressing the issue there's more than just a sexual problem there. How does he treat you in general?
Author StarryNight88 Posted October 24, 2023 Author Posted October 24, 2023 1 hour ago, MsJayne said: What exactly do you want more of? Just sex? Or is it romance and passion that's missing as well? You said that your husband's hard on himself over his inadequate performance, so I find it odd that he hasn't taken any steps to improve things. Would that be because he's embarrassed? Or he just doesn't care? Most men are aware these days that it's important for a female partner to be satisfied as well, so if he's not interested in addressing the issue there's more than just a sexual problem there. How does he treat you in general? He treats me very well. We just don’t have much in common. I miss the laughter, passion and interest. He is just really all I have at this point, and I think I might be scared to let go because I really will be walking this world alone besides having my kids. However, I don’t want to feel ashamed that I decided to leave because I think I deserve more. I’ve always been an extremely supportive wife and always been his biggest cheerleader. But somewhere along the way I lost my identity and I want to get back to where I was. I’m just very doubtful I can get back there with him.
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