I Don't Think He Will Forgive Me.

[AmandaCee]

My husband and I have shared our lives for 14 years, with 8 of those years in marriage. We are blessed with two wonderful children. The love I have for this man is immeasurable, and it pains me to admit that I've caused him so much pain.

After being a stay-at-home mom for 12 years, I recently started a new job, and I regretfully found myself entangled in an emotional affair that went on for nearly three months. What's even harder to confess is that I became physically involved with this man.

Immediately after it became physical, I ended things with the OM. In that regrettable moment, I rushed to the bathroom, where an overwhelming wave of guilt and shame consumed me. The weight of my actions over the past three months bore down on me, creating a deep sense of sickness in my stomach. Fear gripped me, in addition to the guilt, as I was all too aware of my husband's strong stance against infidelity. He had made his views on it abundantly clear, and the possibility of divorce loomed large in my mind. I was genuinely terrified.

I couldn't sleep, and my appetite had vanished. I would spend long periods in the shower crying, attempting to wash away the guilt of my actions, but nothing could erase the thought of the pain I would inflict on my husband if he ever discovered the truth.

In the end, I turned to a dear friend for support, and her reaction was one of anger and frustration. She was no stranger to the pain of infidelity, as she had put her own husband through a similar ordeal. She was blunt in her response, even going so far as to slap me, emphasising the gravity of my actions. She reminded me that I had witnessed firsthand the anguish her husband endured when she confessed her affair. She questioned why, knowing the agony it caused, I would inflict the same on my own husband. I was left without an answer, only tears. Her approach was tough love; she didn't offer sympathy, but instead, she made it clear that I had no one to blame but myself. She emphasised the importance of coming clean to my husband, warning that my lies would inevitably surface and that it would be better if they came from me.

Despite her advice, I hesitated because, selfishly, I didn't want to lose my husband. My friend made it clear that she would take matters into her own hands and inform my husband if I didn't come clean within a reasonable timeframe. She offered me some time, but she wouldn't wait indefinitely.

She offered a conditional lifeline: if I were to come clean and confess to my husband, she promised to provide support and guidance moving forward. However, having known my husband for many years, she expressed scepticism about his willingness to forgive me. Nevertheless, she encouraged me not to give up if he mentioned divorce as a solution. She emphasised that my only viable option was to genuinely demonstrate my remorse through actions rather than mere words, because, in his eyes, my words held little value, and he was unlikely to believe anything I said at this point.

Now, let me take you to two weeks ago, when I still hadn't mustered the courage to confess to my husband. The fear of my friend revealing the truth loomed large in my mind, but I clung to the belief that she had no concrete evidence, only my verbal account. I felt somewhat safe in this assumption, convinced that my husband would trust my word over my friend's.

However, during this time, his behaviour towards me had become increasingly peculiar. He unexpectedly asked for my phone, and without hesitation, I handed it over, fully confident that he wouldn't discover anything incriminating.

After a while, I became curious about what he was doing, and he responded by informing me that he was reading my messages to the OM. I made an attempt to retrieve my phone, but my efforts were in vain. I eventually succumbed to my emotions and broke down, pleading with him not to read the messages. However, he remained resolute and continued to peruse the messages.

The process took him some time to complete, during which he cast me disgusted glances on a few occasions. I sat there, repeatedly apologising to him and asserting that the OM meant nothing to me. Meanwhile, he remained focused on reading every message.

Once he had completed reading the messages, he extended his hand to return my phone, all without uttering a single word. Throughout the entire time I've known my husband, I have never witnessed him cry. Yet, as I looked into his eyes, I could sense that he was struggling to hold back tears, and the expression on his face is etched in my memory forever. It was evident that my actions had left him utterly devastated, and I could see the pain in his eyes. I lost control of my emotions and began crying uncontrollably.

He eventually broke the silence and uttered the words I had dreaded hearing from him. He spoke of wanting a divorce, and I couldn't help but let out a scream, followed by uncontrollable tears.

After a while, I made an attempt to regain my composure, and I implored him not to pursue a divorce. I emphasised that he was the only person I had ever truly loved, and I couldn't bear the thought of losing him. However, he remained unresponsive, refusing to acknowledge my pleas. I continued to make efforts to elicit a response from him, but it felt as if he wasn't there at all.

I've made every effort to engage him in conversation, but he remains unresponsive unless the topic pertains to our children. I've taken the step of quitting my job. I have gone NC with everyone I worked with, including the OM, initiating counselling sessions, reading numerous books, and scouring the internet for guidance. Through counselling and online resources, I've started to grasp the magnitude of the pain I've inflicted on my husband. I've diligently followed the advice and strategies suggested to assist my husband, but it's a challenge when he consistently refuses to communicate with me. How can I help him if he remains closed off to any discussion?

My friend, who happens to be my brother-in-law's wife, has provided me with an incredible amount of support and offered invaluable advice. However, I found out that my husband has a different perspective on this. He's worried that she might be coaching me on what to say, but that's not the case. She doesn't dictate my words; instead, she shares her own experiences and emotions and offers guidance based on what worked for her and her husband during their healing journey. She's made it clear that what worked for them may not necessarily be the solution for my husband and me.

He has informed our children about the divorce, but he hasn't disclosed the reasons behind it. I, on the other hand, took it upon myself to explain, and now they harbour resentment towards me and refuse to engage in conversation. I've inflicted immense damage upon my husband and torn apart our family due to my actions. It appears increasingly unlikely that he will ever find it in his heart to forgive me. At this point, I'm utterly lost, with no clear idea of what steps I can take to make amends.

Listening to our children go in to talk with their father and hearing their crying shatters my heart. I'm the reason they can't confide in me. Even though I can't hear their words, their tearful voices serve as a relentless reminder of the immense pain I've inflicted on them. How could I have caused them such suffering? Did I even consider the consequences of being discovered and how it would impact my children's perception of me?

How could I inflict such pain on the man I claim to love with all my heart? My actions have transformed him to the point where he seems like a different person now that he knows the truth of what I've done. Although he still shared meals at the table with me and occupied the same room, it's as if he's emotionally absent; he refuses to acknowledge me. Can someone really fall out of love so rapidly? How can he just erase the past 14 years of our lives together? Is he questioning everything about our shared history? Does he suspect that this wasn't my first affair? I've posed all these questions to him, but he hasn't responded to any of them. I genuinely believe that my actions have shattered him.

I fear that I'll never be able to forgive myself for the profound damage I've inflicted upon my family, especially my husband. I've shattered something that was, in every sense, close to perfection. Although I haven't shared many details about my husband, I can tell you that he is an incredibly caring and compassionate person. He has always been dedicated to his work, but his family has always come first. His intelligence shines through in countless ways, and he embodies the kind of man any woman would dream of having. He meticulously planned our anniversaries, each one surpassing the previous in thoughtfulness and love. He wholeheartedly embraced my daughter as his own, and she cherishes him dearly. I deeply disrespected him in a way that I fear he may never be able to forgive. He did not deserve the excruciating pain that I've put him through.

I realise there may be criticism in the comments, but my sincere plea is for advice on how to mend the rift with my husband. Are there any individuals who have walked a similar path and can offer guidance? Is this truly the end of my marriage? How can I provide support when he's emotionally distant?

[basil67]

I'm sorry this happened.  But rifts can only be mended if both parties are committed to the healing, and it's quite clear that he will not forgive you.   And honestly, you telling the children (who I imagine are still young) the truth of what happened was completely inappropriate and is causing further damage.   

It's time to come to grips with reality.  Have you got a lawyer so that you can start preparing for divorce?

Edited October 22, 2023 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

30 minutes ago, AmandaCee said:

He has informed our children about the divorce,  How can I provide support when he's emotionally distant?

Sorry this is happening. Agree telling your children was not appropriate. Please get rid of this "friend". This is not a therapist and likely told your husband. 

Please stop talking at your husband. He doesn't want or need your "support", he knows you just want a free pass. Why would he trust you after this? 

Please stop feeling sorry for yourself and all the crocodile tears. Focus on your children and their needs, not just yours. 

Please confide in a therapist for appropriate advice before you do  more damage. Please also consult an attorney for advice, information and support regarding your situation. 

Try to focus on protecting your children, they are the victims here, not you. 

[Jacknay21]

I’m sorry this has happened to you & your husband. 

Unfortunately there isn’t anything you can do at this moment but allow your husband time and space to come to terms with what he’s discovered. The shock of finding out about your betrayal will no doubt have devastated him & there isn’t any notion of rebuilding a relationship with you whilst he is still reflecting on the shocking, life changing, betrayal you’ve inflicted upon him.

There may come a time that once he’s been able to fully process your affair that he’d be at least willing to consider his decision over a divorce however it is likely that he won’t & I’m afraid that is the consequence of your actions however sorry and remorseful you are & you’ll need to respect that and hopefully you’ll be able to remain amicable for the sake of your children.  
For now, you have to focus on yourself and your children & attempt to keep their lives as normal as possible (as does your husband)

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, AmandaCee said:

I realize there may be criticism in the comments, but my sincere plea is for advice on how to mend the rift with my husband.

I don’t know that you can. As they say, the ball is in his court now - he decides whether to “mend the rift” or divorce. You can give him time and space, treat your children and your husband respectfully and with kindness, and accept his decision. 
 

2 hours ago, AmandaCee said:

How can he just erase the past 14 years of our lives together?

I would be careful with this line of thinking. He could also ask - how could you erase the past 14 years of your life together when you chose to engage in a three month relationship with another man and one night of physical intimacy? Did it matter so little to you that you would risk the future of your marriage and your family? Do you have a logical answer to these questions that he would find acceptable in the same way that you are looking for a logical answer that you deem acceptable? Or, is there no good answer to those questions either? 

To answer your question, it’s probably not that he has fallen out of love or erased your life together. But, he has clearly withdrawn and disengaged and that could be for a a multitude of different reasons - 

Regardless of how he is feeling, a decision is an action that can be made in an instant. And, he has clearly decided that he can no longer be married to someone for whom he has lost trust and respect. And for that reason, you had best begin the process of preparing for divorce. 

 

Edited October 23, 2023 by BaileyB

[glows]

What did he say about the divorce, OP? Did he say explicitly that he wants to divorce? 

I’m puzzled why you thought your marriage would survive infidelity and wonder if your brother in law’s wife had such an influence that you might have assumed perhaps naively that your husband would be like her husband or his brother? Did your BIL and his wife remain married? 

While I read your post the one question that was so pervasive to me is why did you do it? Was it resentment having to be a stay at home mum? Did you have a choice in that or was that role forced on you? Are you upset that you didn’t get a chance to build a career? Why sabotage your new job as well? All of this doesn’t make sense if someone is serious about starting a career. Was it all an experiment on how much you could get away with if you were perfectly happy in your life? People usually have affairs because something is greatly lacking in their marriage so now might be a good time to figure out why you went looking elsewhere. 

These may also be questions your husband (perhaps soon to be ex husband) has but he’s unwilling to discuss. At the end of the day what you showed him was that your marriage isn’t enough. 

Some couples can heal through infidelity but many cannot. Remember that it takes two to heal a relationship so you cannot unanimously decide or assume that you get to choose just by offering the right or exact amount of support . It’s best to look for support for yourself because you will need to learn how to be a single parent and coparent with your ex. Keep the talking about the children only and remain civil for their sake. If your H wants to discuss the particulars you CAN discuss it but be cautious especially if this is already heading towards divorce. I strongly suggest you find a lawyer of your own and talk about your concerns privately. Private counselling with a therapist or counsellor will also help you navigate coparenting and creating boundaries with your spouse/ex husband should you divorce.

 

Edited October 23, 2023 by glows

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, AmandaCee said:

She was blunt in her response, even going so far as to slap me

Nobody ever has the right to hit you. Get rid of this "friend." I am shocked you're still talking to her, much less taking advice from her. 

5 hours ago, AmandaCee said:

After being a stay-at-home mom for 12 years

I am going to guess your kids are still young then. Too young to know the details of why your husband wants a divorce. As the others have already said, it was completely inappropriate to burden them with this. What's done is done now, but I hope you will enforce better boundaries in the future and not involve them in adult matters. 

6 hours ago, AmandaCee said:

How can he just erase the past 14 years of our lives together?

He is probably wondering exactly the same thing about you, since that was the risk you took in cheating on him. If anyone is erasing 14 years of history, it's you. 

6 hours ago, AmandaCee said:

advice on how to mend the rift with my husband

If he doesn't want to, you can't. It's that simple. He doesn't owe it to you, as you know. Affairs are often deal-breakers and it seems that's going to be the case here. You need to contact an attorney to understand what the next steps look like in the event he goes through with divorcing you. It appears that's the much more likely outcome than reconciliation. 

[Sony12]

 OP are you the person the individual is talking about in the thread 'How do I stop myself from self destructing after finding out my wife had an affair'?

Both stories sound very similar.

 

 

[d0nnivain]

You can't provide support  A switch flipped in his head, turning off his love for you once he learned about the affair.  Some people can get passed something like that with MC & transparency; others can never trust again. 

You need to focus on repairing your relationship with your children & getting a good divorce lawyer.  

[BaileyB]

33 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You need to focus on repairing your relationship with your children & getting a good divorce lawyer.  

Infidelity is a deal breaker for many people, that is a good word.

This is your new reality OP, these two things should absolutely be your focus. 

[spiritedaway2003]

14 hours ago, AmandaCee said:

In the end, I turned to a dear friend for support, and her reaction was one of anger and frustration. She was no stranger to the pain of infidelity, as she had put her own husband through a similar ordeal. She was blunt in her response, even going so far as to slap me, emphasising the gravity of my actions. She reminded me that I had witnessed firsthand the anguish her husband endured when she confessed her affair.

First thing first - please drop this "dear friend" of yours.  She is no friend.  She has NO right to get physical with you.  Set your boundaries.  It's the lack (of insufficient boundaries) that caused you to be in the situation the first place.  She has NO right to project her own issues -- possibly seeing as a way to redeem herself.  She can give advice but she also has no right to dictate whether you choose to tell or not.  Learn from this -- who you can and cannot trust.  I wouldn't be surprised if she was the one who tipped off your H.  You may see her as a support system, but she's not a professional (clearly from her reaction).  Stop confiding in her.

Secondly, a reconciliation can only happen if two people are in it.  If your betrayed husband does not wish to work with you and is insistent on moving on with a divorce, then you need to accept and prepare for that reality.  It doesn't work to keep fighting for something that a partner no longer wants.  Work with a therapist.  Maybe your H may change his mind down the line, but for now, it'd be better off if you accept the consequences of your actions and plan for divorce. 

Third, I'm sorry you quit your job .  You need to have a job for the livelihood and that seems like a rushed decision in the moment but you need a job to stabilize yourself and your financial future. Your family is not going to forgive you quickly (in time maybe), but you still need to be able to support yourself. 

Edited October 23, 2023 by spiritedaway2003

[Lotsgoingon]

This friend blackmailed you. It was not her position to threaten to tell your husband if you didn't. Are you a member of a strict religious community of some kind? I'm not rejecting that kind of community but asking because I can't imagine most people would think it's their role to blackmail you to disclose about your marriage.

Friend or not, your marriage is NOT her business to meddle.

You sound isolated. There's a silving lining in her. You need more and better friends. This friend undoubtedly is good for some things. Her threatening you here was cruel. I don't have a problem with her encouraging you to disclose the affair. It's the blackmail.

Look, I'm picking up a lot of self-loathing here. Let's keep some perspective. You didn't murder anyone, OK! You didn't kidnap anyone. You didn't rob any elderly people of their life's savings. Yes, I would blame myself if I were in your situation, but here's the problem.

In many cases (not all) there is a reason people have affairs. I'm going to say your rigidity and your husband's rigidity were probably related to why you had the affair. The emotional affair at work--a total sign that you were distant from your husband, that there were topics and feelings you could not disclose.

So I'm going to challenge you. There is no way you had some perfect marriage before your affair. No way. You are in denial of that reality, which could shed light of your emotional needs and why you had the emotional affair, which led to the physical affair.

Your husband was a complete #XXDEDED (fill in what you want) to disclose the affair to your children. That cruel sharing with children (who don't need to know, especially as children) speaks to his character far more than the affair speaks to your character. In other words, your husband is a rigid jerk. 

Get to therapy. Immediately. You got a lot of work to do--but you know what? There is a lot you to learn out of this situation. And the lesson isn't that you are awful. That's a kid reaction. 

[stillafool]

17 hours ago, AmandaCee said:

What's even harder to confess is that I became physically involved with this man.

Did you ever come clean to your husband that you had sex with this man?

 

17 hours ago, AmandaCee said:

I've diligently followed the advice and strategies suggested to assist my husband, but it's a challenge when he consistently refuses to communicate with me. How can I help him if he remains closed off to any discussion?

Unfortunately, you cannot make him communicate with you.  He can barely look at you at this point.  He needs independent counseling to help him get over this betrayal and once he goes through it, he still may not want to be back with you.  This is often the cost of an affair.

Edited October 23, 2023 by stillafool

[AmandaCee]

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time to respond. I apologise if I'm unable to reply to each of you individually.

My husband and I don't have young children; our children are both 16, and the oldest one will turn 17 next month. We were single parents when we came together.

One of the discussions my husband and I had was about informing our children about our divorce; he only spoke to me as it was regarding our children. He never once told me to tell the children what I had done; he told me we would tell them we had both decided to divorce.

When we finally sat down to explain, they had a lot of questions. They wanted to know why we were getting divorced, and some of those questions seemed to place the blame on their father. They asked if my frequent crying was related to this decision and even if he had been unfaithful to me. I had to be honest with them. I couldn't let them unfairly blame their father when it was actually my fault that the marriage was ending. I didn't go into all the details, but I felt it was important to share the truth.

Now, they act quite similarly to their father around me, and they've become distant. While my husband can be in the same room as me, my children react differently. If they see me in a room, they quickly leave. I've attempted to talk to them, but they are hesitant to engage in conversation. I know this is my fault, and I will do everything I can to fix my relationship with my children.

I haven't spoken to a lawyer yet, and I plan to do so only if I receive divorce papers. There's no need to take this step until it becomes necessary.

@Jacknay21

I've read your post, and I'm truly sorry for the pain you're experiencing. I understand that it might not mean much coming from someone who has also hurt her husband, much like your wife has hurt you. I wish I could undo the damage I've inflicted on him, but I can't. I've witnessed a transformation in my husband, and I've shattered a man I deeply loved. Regrettably, nothing I do will erase the impact of my actions, and I fear he may never forgive me.

@BaileyB

I'm well aware that my husband perceives it this way. Throughout those three months, I behaved terribly towards my husband and, regrettably, towards my children as well. I spent an excessive amount of time glued to my phone, neglecting them. I recognise that my family may primarily remember these last three months, even though I've shared 14 years of my life with my husband. All he can see are those recent, turbulent months and how poorly I treated him and our children.

During those times, my husband remained consistent, still taking me out on dates as he always had. Yet, what did I do? I essentially threw his efforts back at him and distanced myself when he was trying to draw me closer. I was utterly selfish during those three months. I failed to consider my husband or my children, and if I had, I wouldn't have acted as I did.

@Glows

You pose some excellent questions that I find myself pondering frequently. I prefer to take my time in responding to them, as I want to give them thorough consideration and provide answers that might aid me, even if I'm not particularly pleased with what I write.

@ExpatInItaly

I feel that I deserved a wake-up call for the way I treated my husband; my actions were unacceptable. She's not just a friend, but she's also my husband's sister-in-law, and they've known eachother since childhood. She's been in a similar situation to mine, and her husband forgave her, which makes me reflect on my own behaviour.

@Sony12

I'm not the wife of Jacknay21.

@Lotsgoingon

If you could point out where in my post I mentioned that my husband informed our children about my affair, I would appreciate it. I need to clarify because that's not what happened. My husband never disclosed my affair to them; it was my decision to do so. This wasn't because he urged me to reveal it, but rather because our children were accusing their father of causing our divorce.

For some reason, you have a lot of hate for my husband, and I assure you, you are completely wrong with your assumptions. The only aspect you've got right is how distant I have become from my husband. Allow me to provide some context about my actions over those three months, and then you can form your own opinion.

Firstly, I cancelled numerous date nights so I could message the OM. I began going out with my colleagues from work, often without informing my husband, and I wouldn't message him at all. There were times he had no idea where I was. I initiated arguments with him over trivial matters, and at times, I even told him that I hated him.

What did my husband do during those three months? He consistently told me he loved me, and I would never respond. Despite me cancelling our dates, he continued to arrange new ones. He repeatedly asked what was bothering me, and my response was always "nothing." He would even apologise to me, as if he had done something wrong. I could list countless more instances of how I treated my husband during those last three months.

My husband didn't influence my decision to have an affair; it was a choice I made on my own. He has no power to make me do something like that. I'm fully aware that the problem lies with me, not with my husband. I'm the one who has shattered my family, not my husband. If you want to hold someone accountable, it should be me in the comments, not my husband. He didn't deserve the pain I've caused him.
 

@Stillafool

My husband hasn't posed a single question to me regarding my affair. However, he is aware that I had a physical relationship with the OM because he read our messages. He's currently attending counselling, and I fear you may be right that he may never be willing to talk to me again.

[stillafool]

---------------------------------------

Edited October 23, 2023 by stillafool

[Lotsgoingon]

Yes, you are responsible for the affair. One hundred percent responsible. You could have avoided it. 

That's not my point. My point is that our ability to live up to our principles is affected by what's going that is encouraging us (or discouraging us) from going against our principles.  My other used to tell ministers she worked with to never allow themselves access to money without having to go through someone else who documents the money. It's too easy to be tempted (to grab more money than required) if you don't have some accountability, she would say. 

Something was going on in the marriage such that you had such a blast with this emotional affair. There was something or some part of you and your thinking that you were not sharing with your husband. Now here's the tricky part. In a marriage, it is so easy to go on "automatic." You got a house together, kids with you, dinner served every night, we discuss budgets regularly, arrange for driving the children around as they need it ... A ton of action ... And in that nonstop action it is easy for a lot of couples to emotionally disconnect. Most individuals in couples know there are going to be hard points in the marriage. And so when they feel disconnected, they tend to ignore it and assume it's a minor thing that will pass. And often it does pass. Actually what really happens is that the couple sorta creates a new marriage. 

But where couples get in trouble is not seeing that the disconnect is going on. That one or both of you are missing something in the marriage.

I don't care how much you want to turn yourself into a devil, you are human. So I challenge you: what were you sharing in the emotional affair that you weren't sharing with your husband?  There was something you were getting from the emotional affair or else it wouldn't have been so tempting. You might call it a dark side, but as my mother would say, in order to avoid the dark side, you need to be aware of it, not in denial of. Most likely your fidelity alarm bells were sounding, but they were overwhelmed by the sheer depth of the connection and attraction and fun you felt with this guy at work. I say focus on the emotional affair, because once that gets started it's only a small step (in my view) to a physical affair. The emotional affair revealed that there was some warmth or fun or connection that you were not getting in your marriage--or something you were not giving yourself!

Now, you are responsible for shaping the marriage. So whatever it was that was missing in the marriage is your fault as well as your husband's fault. So again, you bear responsibility here. It would have been helpful for you to recognize what was missing in the marriage LONG BEFORE the affair. You just want to say you were bad. OK, we all are imperfect. My question is: Why after going all those years without having an affair did suddenly you have the affair?! You didn't suddenly become a "bad" person.  You made a spectacular mistake in trusting this "friend" of yours. That is part of the problem. 

On your children, I misread your initial post. I thought hubby disclosed. Wow, you did NOT have to disclose. Your shame is getting the best of you. Your kids will eventually forgive you and look past this. In the meantime, it's actually quite important that you stand up as their mother. Acknowledge they are angry, but make clear you will still be their mother, who sees after them and loves them and wants to take care of them. And you need to say that to the children with some conviction and strength in your voice. Saying that with so much shame dripping from your voice will not comfort them. They need to know their mother is strong and loving and committed to them---even if she made a mistake. And they will be fine if there's a period of alienation from you. So you don't have to fix things with them immediately. 

Once more: what was the dynamic of the emotional affair? What made the emotional so attractive to you?! What were the conversations like and what topics did you cover? Did he praise you in ways your husband didn't or no longer did? This kind of information will be a clue about what's going on and a clue for how you violated your moral principles. And it will provide a clue of the work you need to do right now. 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, AmandaCee said:

he told me we would tell them I haven't spoken to a lawyer yet, and I plan to do so only if I receive divorce papers. he is aware that I had a physical relationship with the OM because he read our messages. He's currently attending counselling,.

 Do each of you have teen children from previous relationships? Where is your child's father? Can your child stay with his father until things calm down at home a bit?

Please seek out counseling for yourself as well. You'll need it either way whether you try to navigate this situation or if you divorce.

Consulting an attorney is for information support and advice in the event of divorce. However you seem to think that because this sister-in-law's affair didn't lead to divorce, that your husband may change his mind. 

Please try to be their for your child. Your husband is already seeking support and counseling and most likely has consulted an attorney if he told the children "we had both decided to divorce". Perhaps you're in shock or denial, but therapy could help you with that. 

[AmandaCee]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do each of you have teen children from previous relationships? Where is your child's father? Can your child stay with his father until things calm down at home a bit?

My husband has legally adopted my daughter, and her biological father has never been a part of her life. I've also adopted his daughter.

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please seek out counseling for yourself as well. You'll need it either way whether you try to navigate this situation or if you divorce.

I've been attending counselling, and it has been quite helpful. I plan to continue even if we divorce.

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Consulting an attorney is for information support and advice in the event of divorce. However you seem to think that because this sister-in-law's affair didn't lead to divorce, that your husband may change his mind.

I realize that I might be in denial about the divorce. I see no need to consult with a lawyer until I actually receive the divorce papers, as it won't alter the situation for me. Whether I gather the information tomorrow or the day I'm served, the information and the ultimate outcome will remain the same.

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please try to be their for your child. Your husband is already seeking support and counseling and most likely has consulted an attorney if he told the children "we had both decided to divorce". Perhaps you're in shock or denial, but therapy could help you with that. 

I'm committed to being there for both my children. I'm putting in a lot of effort to engage in conversations with them, but it's challenging when it feels like a one-sided exchange. I've tried everything I can think of, except giving them space. I'm willing to wait until they're ready to talk to me, but I can't wait indefinitely. I'll keep trying and won't give up on repairing what's been broken between us.

 

@Lotsgoingon

Thank you for your comment and for taking the time to write it. Your comment feels more like advice, and I want to acknowledge that it may take me some time to respond. I will address your question about my emotional affair, but it might take a bit because I want to ensure my response accurately conveys what happened. I'm afraid it might come across as downplaying the affair, which is not my intention, so I need some time to carefully choose my words.

 

[Lotsgoingon]

OP, how you doing? Any updates on your wellbeing? 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 10/23/2023 at 7:39 PM, AmandaCee said:

She's not just a friend, but she's also my husband's sister-in-law, and they've known eachother since childhood.

So what?

That does not give her right to hit you. Period. She is not the friend you seem to think she is. You need to do a better job in enforcing boundaries all around: with men, with your kids, and with this woman. 

On 10/23/2023 at 11:39 PM, AmandaCee said:

I'm willing to wait until they're ready to talk to me, but I can't wait indefinitely

What is the alternative? 

 

[AmandaCee]

My husband's behaviour has been quite strange, and I'm unsure about how to handle it. Over the last few days, he has been talking to me as if nothing has happened. He hasn't brought up the divorce or my affair, and it's as if everything is normal. What's even more surprising is that our children also spoke to me the day after my husband did. While they don't initiate conversations, they do respond when I speak to them. My husband, on the other hand, is different. He initiates conversations and acts like his usual self. I'm not sure what my next move should be. Should I address my affair or the divorce?

We host a Halloween party every year, inviting both friends and family. Typically, it takes me a few days to set up all the decorations. Given everything that's been going on, I didn't think we would have one this year. Surprisingly, it was one of the first conversations my husband had with me. He asked if I wanted to organise it this year, mentioning that our children still wanted it to happen. I'm not sure if he's just acting normal until after the party or if there's something more to it.

I'm afraid to ask him why he's suddenly talking to me after such a long period of silence. I'm also scared to bring up the topic of the divorce or my affair. What if he shuts me out again? I don't want that to happen. I understand that we'll have to discuss everything eventually, but I'm not sure if I should wait for him to initiate the conversation.

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, AmandaCee said:

. He asked if I wanted to organise it this year, mentioning that our children still wanted it to happen. 

Let him approach you about these topics. It's possible he's trying to "normalize" things for the kids. 

[Bryanp]

I think it would be a good idea for you to immediately get tested for STD's in case you and your husband reconcile. This will also show that you are being proactive as well. Good luck.

[Lotsgoingon]

Wow, that's great news. I wouldn't assume he's being warm just for the kids. Usually you would feel the passive-aggressive anger if someone is merely performing.

Just go with it. Go with the openness. He's open. You be open. No, you don't need to mess things up by saying, "Oh, you're talking to me. I don't know what to do." That could disrupt whatever process he's in the middle of.

Trust me: he will tell you what's going on in not too long. Sounds like maybe a wise person talked to him (he probably disclosed to this person) and the wise person made clear to him and that totally shutting you out wasn't his only option and that he needed to tell the kids to treat you with respect. Kids don't turn on parents who murder other people. I've seen documentaries where children of serial killers still felt warmth (and anger and confusion) for their parent. 

Just match husband's energy and look for little things you can do that may surprise him. 

Bottom line: I don't see any down side to you responding with the warmth that hubby is now showing towards you. But there could be downside in making him spell out everything because that could disrupt the quiet internal process he's going through, a process that seems to be leading to a place way better than the one he was at before.

 

[glows]

The kids empathize with him not you. When he starts speaking with you, the kids do as well because they see that he’s able to. It’s possible he’s thinking through and processing your infidelity. Unfortunately there’s a big question mark - whether history will repeat itself again. If you did it once and no one knows why, why wouldn’t it happen again?