Where to go from here [merged thread]

[Fullofqs]

Hello, I need some advice.  About 3-4 years ago, we moved to a small town for my husband's work.  Often, he would mention a colleague of his- let's call him Tom.  He discovered Tom's daughter was in our son's class and that they had several activities in common.  He mentioned that Tom was nice but never invited him to do things as he already had his friends etc.  Anyway Id never met Tom despite us both living in this small town.  Instead I had 2 more children since we'd moved here so I was barely at extracurriculars etc.  My husband changed jobs and no longer works with Tom.  One day last Jan-March, I cannot recall- I went to pick up my son at school and I hear "hey!" I turn around to see Tom (though I did not know it at the time).  I say hi and he suddenly looks very flustered, realizing I wasnt who he thought I was perhaps.  Anyway I saw he picked up his daughter (who I knew was Tom's daughter) so Id put two and two together that he was Tom.  He was quite handsome, tall and Id never seen him before.  I told my husband I saw him and moved on w my life lol.  Cut to May.  We go to a festival for young kids and are having a picnic.  I am sitting down with my baby and everyone has left the picnic but us.  As I am getting up, I see Tom who stops in his tracks and just stares at me.  I stop as well, and then brush off my legs from the grass...a bit taken aback by his very obvious staring.  He walks past me and continues to stare at me as we are at the park with our kids.  Im kind of looking back at him in wonder.  I cant deny I was attracted to him but a bit surprised at the staring.  Anyway, my husband comes back and introduces us.  Tom asks me where I work and he knew my profession perhaps from my husband- anyway I try to make conversation with him but he seems a bit hesitant to talk to me.  Then his signifcant other shows up with coffees and they go away- she gives me no time of day whatsoever other than continuing to say how gorgeous my daughter is "like her mother" repeating that 3x.  Anyway a few days later I pick up my son from his after school math club and who appears but Tom, asking if he could put a sign up there (he knew fully well Id be there as we go 1 hour later than his daughter to this club).  I ignore him pretending to look at my phone lol

I check out his fb and see he is not married to his SO but theyve been together for a long time.  Within a couple of days he changed all of his public photos to private on his fb.  

A month passes and I forget this event.  I had to take my son swimming one evening  as my husband was busy and I knew Tom's daughter was there but his wife always came and spoke to my hubby so I figured she would be there.  I arrive and Tom is there only.  He moves so I can sit and his ears turn red.  I sit beside him and we had 30 mins of non stop conversation laughing and everything was very neutral talking about school and life.  He got so comfortable at one point he started to caress my water bag with his hand lol.  When the 30 mins was over it was so nice talking to him it felt like 5 minutes.  We walked out of the building with our kids together and when he said bye, he did it with head tilt, a huge smile, kind of a deep sigh and just taking his time to say it.  It was so sweet.  Anyway I came from the meeting feeling so refreshed that he was so nice.  The next day I saw him at a bbq and my husband was there so I avoided Tom because I didnt know what to do.  So the second I had to come face to face w him, he just says "Im leaving" and he leaves early (he showed up alone w his daughter).  

A week later I run into him leaving the math club building.  As Im parking my car, he sees me and jumps to tie his shoes.  I say hey!  And he says "hello" very coldly.  I say "how are you?" He responds "fine thank you" and then I mutter "have a nice weekend" and he says "you too" thinking he was dropping his daughter off.  He was actually just getting something in his car and was supposed to go pick up his daughter so while Im sitting there waiting for my son I realize this because his daughter comes out asking "where is my dad?"  Anyway 15 minutes pass and I realize he isnt coming in because he is avoiding being alone w me.  Anyway he comes in and I tell him his daughter is waiting for him and he tells some story about how he ran into colleagues and got carried off in conversation.  He continues to tell his daughter how sorry he is and how he saw his colleagues (going on and on!) Again he gives me his little goodbye with the head tilt and Im thinking well you just avoided me on purpose I am no fool - as I wave bye and smile at him lol

 

Anyway then it was summer holiday.  We left the country and I hadnt seen him for months.  Since September we have been running into each other here and there and he is always eager now to talk to me but Im at a loss for words for some reason.  But at the same time I cant stop thinking about him. My husband is a bit of a hot head and while hes a good man he is constantly putting the children down and screaming at them.  He is so rude in public so just annoying in general and this man has kind of woken me up to this new confidence in myself and also a strong desire to be with him.  I also cant stand my husband sometimes because he always tries to start arguments with everyone he is always short tempered and just exhausting.  Half of the time I feel like I have a fourth child.

Im trying to forget Tom but I daydream about him often.  I also build things up so much in my head that when I see him, Im speechless lol  Then on Wednesday, again he shows up an hour after his daughter's math class and tells me she forgot her homework there so he was going to pick it up.  I just laughed but he kept trying to tell me about it while his daughter ran away.  The next morning I run into him at school drop off.  He has a huge smile he says good morning and his eyes looked like a puppy who wanted to jump on me! Lol. I know I sound ridiculous and I also know there is no future here with Tom but Id love to just sit and talk to him and feel  calm and refreshed again and get to know him.  But I dont know if Im just imagining all of this and he isnt even interested in me?  I also dont want to physically cheat as I know I wouldnt forgive myself.   

I guess what Im asking here is is...do you think I could be imagining all of this and that he isnt even interested?

And

How should I go on from here with all of this?

Edited January 14 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Fullofqs said:

How  should I go on from here with all of this?

There's not much else to do except keep being friendly because your children go to school together. It's fine to have a crush and fantasize. 

[Weezy1973]

10 minutes ago, Fullofqs said:

How should I go on from here with all of this?

Divorce your husband. 

[Weezy1973]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's fine to have a crush and fantasize. 

While finding other people attractive is perfectly normal, getting to the point of having a crush and fantasizing about someone else is not “fine”.  
 

OP, divorce your husband, then you can pursue whichever man you want. 

[S2B]

The guy seems smooooooth. He likely does this with most women.

Let it go and be the wife your husband thinks you are. 
 

you’ve been treading in waters that will create trouble - stay out of the water.

iF you aren’t happy in the marriage then divorce. If you intend to stay married then act like it.

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, Fullofqs said:

I guess what Im asking here is is...do you think I could be imagining all of this and that he isnt even interested?

How should I go on from here with all of this?

You're not imagining what happened, but I think you're imagining that it means anything.

The "coldness" was a return to normalcy. That's because yes, while he enjoyed talking/mild flirting with you, he isn't interested in upending his current life to "take a chance on you" or similar. It was JUST fun conversation, and that's how it will stay.

To go on from here - you should recognize that these mildly entertaining/enjoyable social encounters mean basically nothing in the greater scheme of your life (both your lives in fact), and treat them as such.

It's odd that you posted this under "Infidelity". It doesn't seem like you're actually open to infidelity, which is probably a net positive if you want to maintain your current marriage. "Flirting/cheating/jealousy" might be a better place as it seems ONLY flirting (and not too much of that even) was involved.

Edited October 22, 2023 by mark clemson

[Fullofqs]

37 minutes ago, S2B said:

The guy seems smooooooth. He likely does this with most women.

Let it go and be the wife your husband thinks you are. 
 

you’ve been treading in waters that will create trouble - stay out of the water.

iF you aren’t happy in the marriage then divorce. If you intend to stay married then act like it.

How on earth is he smooth lol just wondering!

[NuevoYorko]

The condensed version:  

"I am married but am interested in another guy.  I don't want to cheat on my husband even though we are having problems.  What should I do"

answer:

"Work on your relationship with your husband and put some boundaries on yourself with regards to obsessing about "Tom" and all of his details.  You can do it."

 

[ExpatInItaly]

54 minutes ago, S2B said:

The guy seems smooooooth. He likely does this with most women.

That was exactly my first thought as well. This ain't his first rodeo. 

3 hours ago, Fullofqs said:

hes a good man he is constantly putting the children down and screaming at them.  He is so rude in public

You contradict yourself. A good man who's constantly screaming at his children and belittling them, and being rude in public? What exactly is your definition of a "good man"? 

3 hours ago, Fullofqs said:

do you think I could be imagining all of this and that he isnt even interested?

No, but you would be wise not to assume you're the only one he does this with, nor that it means something more. 

3 hours ago, Fullofqs said:

How should I go on from here with all of this?

All of what? I mean that sincerely. There is nothing to "go on" with. Some man has been flirty with you. That's it. Neither of you can act on it, so this is where it starts and finishes. 

What you should do is start re-evaluating the state of your marriage. You sound unhappy and fed up, and quite possibly with good reason. But flirting with other men or entertaining a fantasy like this is not the way to go. 

[Wiseman2]

40 minutes ago, Fullofqs said:

My husband is a bit of a hot head and  he is constantly putting the children down and screaming at them.  He is so rude in public so just annoying in general and  I also cant stand my husband sometimes because he always tries to start arguments with everyone he is always short tempered and just exhausting.  

Is your husband usually abusive to you and your children? Unfortunately your husband and marriage are the problem. Please privately and confidentiality see a therapist (do not tell your husband) and discuss what's going on. Please protect your children from his temper and abuse.

This has nothing to do with "Tom". You're just trying to spin a fantasy around someone who you have a crush on and acts like a decent human being in public and has enough manners to be nice to you. 

He's not flirting with you or interested in anything. You seem to be trying to escape the misery of your marriage by inventing a script in your head of a secret admirer.

He's simply is being polite/ friendly with another parent his kids go to school with.  It may seem like a romance novel to you (which is how you wrote this, assigning all sorts of meaning to pretty much usual interactions) , in contrast to your obnoxious abusive husband, but he's not doing anything inappropriate. 

Edited October 22, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Fullofqs]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Is your husband usually abusive to you and your children? Unfortunately your husband and marriage are the problem. Please privately and confidentiality see a therapist (do not tell your husband) and discuss what's going on. Please protect your children from his temper and abuse.

This has nothing to do with "Tom". You're just trying to spin a fantasy around someone who you have a crush on and acts like a decent human being in public. He's not flirting with you or interested.

He's simply is being polite/ friendly with another parent his kids go to school with.  It may seem like a romance novel to you (which is how you wrote this, assigning all sorts of meaning to pretty much usual interactions) , in contrast to your obnoxious abusive husband, but he's not doing anything inappropriate. 

My husband is not physically abusive with any of us and I am quite a fierce person who he does not dare berate in public or private.  But little things like just putting the boys down (getting angry at them over trivial things- they are very young too!)in public or private and if we are in public and I tell him to be quiet he will raise his voice even louder.  I think he suffered some trauma as a child as his brothers are very similar and actually worse to their families!  

Our marriage in general is fine but we are complete opposites in many ways.  We function very well living together and he treats me well for the most part.  He is a dependable man and always wants to be around.  He is helpful and tries to have alone time w me...but my birthdays are usually disappointing and he doesnt put on that extra romance or try to please me in any way.  

Lol my romance novelesque description is quite dramatic I know but I can tell "Tom" is interested in me as I usually have a great sense of these things.  Tom is also extremely nerdy and a bit uptight.. so I dont find him "smooth" at all as some have stated but of course you never know! And maybe you're right that he isnt interested at all- only he truly knows!

  At the same time being (or feeling) admired and his calmer demeanor are definitely what I lack from my marriage and will never get from my husband..at least not the calmness.  Thanks for taking the time to respond to me btw.  I appreciate it!

[Wiseman2]

34 minutes ago, Fullofqs said:

I check out his fb and see he is not married to his SO but theyve been together for a long time. Within a couple of days he changed all of his public photos to private on his fb.  

It's clear you have a crush on him. Interestingly after he noticed you stalking his social media (people show up in the who viewed section), he set it to private. He has a wonderful partner and he's obviously not interested in you or cheating or anything inappropriate..

Your issue seems to be your difficult husband and of course someone who has decent social skills and gave you a drop of niceness seems like Prince Charming compared to that. 

Edited October 22, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Fullofqs]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's clear you have a crush on him. Interestingly after he noticed you stalking his social media (people show up in the who viewed section), he set it to private. He has a wonderful partner and he's obviously not interested in you or cheating or anything inappropriate..

Your issue seems to be your difficult husband and of course someone who has decent social skills and gave you a drop of niceness seems like Prince Charming compared to that. 

Facebook doesnt have a who viewed section of anything ?

[MsJayne]

Your husband's a domestic violence perpetrator, yelling at your children and putting them down. What part of that behaviour doesn't tell you to remove the children from the abuse? Maybe focus on your own husband's behaviour instead of someone else's, and either fix your problems at home or leave. Children don't deserve to have their self-esteem crushed by an a*****e. 

[Djen]

There is this man whose child is in the same class as my child. We are both dingle parents. Id only seen him last May at a park for the first time. he almost tripped upon seeing me and just stared. He continued staring the whole time at the park until we were in a group and introduced. We spoke, he asked about me he knew my profession etc. A month later, we run into each other at their swimming class and sat for 30 mins talking and laughing. Nothing flirtatious but there was definite chemistry and interest. When he said bye he did this sort of head tilt with this big smile. a week later I see him at the kids club and he is super cold with me. He didn't come to sit in the building to wait and when he came to pick up his child he had some excuse for why he didn't come inside (said he ran into colleagues). It was the PERFECT opp to chat alone.

then it was the summer break so I hadn't seen him for 2 months. Now when I see him its just hi how are you fine you and some conversation added sometimes. I run into him maybe 3x a month. He is extremely hot or cold at these meetings. Either he is very smiley and gives me "I can't believe you are so beautiful" smiles and stares, or he is "ugh not you again" kind of attitude. Either he is super chatty or really dry. Im respectful and kind to him. But he can probably tell Im into him just from the vibe and my nervousness actions etc

This week we had 2 encounters: 1. I see him at swimming and he was coming as I was leaving. first, I caught him staring at me intensely from the corner of his eye. I went over and said hi to him he was extremely nervous (I was very dressed up from work) for example, I said hi! Him: "fine how are you?" we spoke briefly and I had to go

2. I see him while waiting for my child. He says hi how are you and I make small talk about the weather. He gives me a dirty look as we are talking and he goes to sit alone without me. Can anyone make sense of this? What should I do from here?

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Djen said:

There is this man whose child is in the same class as my child. We are both dingle parents? What should I do from here?

Unfortunately there's nothing to do but continue to be polite and say hi, small talk, etc. . He has not asked you out so that indicates he's not interested in dating. Wherever is going on with him probably has nothing to do with you since you know very little about him.

[Djen]

I will add to this and say he seems socially awkward in general and shy but that time at the pool he seemed really engaged and alive!

 

Also in terms of 2nd encounter of the week, shortly after he sat alone not near me, my friend's husband walked through the door and greeted me so wonderfully as we hadnt seen each other in a while and we were catching up as this guy was watching.  On one hand I was kind of happy to show him that talking to me could be a nice thing!!  On the other I was bummed he wasnt the one talking to me lol

[basil67]

The bigger question is why are you into someone who runs hot and cold?  When he wasn't consistent with his connection, that was the cue for you to go "meh" and realise that he's not a good romantic proposition

[La.Primavera]

I think this is just one of those situations where you may have mistaken his attraction to you for interest in pursuing something more.  Sometimes we assume that if a guy is looking at us in certain way and showing some interest, then he must want more.  This is not the case.  It is just attraction, and it is very common, especially for men, including the shy ones. 

He very likely senses that you want things to progress, hence the coldness to make it clear that he is not interested in dating.  Common behavior for someone who is a bit socially awkward and lacks the confidence and skill of deflecting a woman's interest more subtly. 

It may feel a bit disappointing, but you don't have to see it as a slight against you.  There could be so many reasons for this, including another woman you are not aware of.

I wouldn't read much more into this guy's behavior or attempt to pursue him.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Djen said:

 But he can probably tell Im into him just from the vibe and my nervousness actions etc

This may be why he avoids you sometimes. He seems to want to be friendly because of the kids but hasn't really shown any interest for whatever reason and perhaps feels awkward that you're staring at him. 

[Fullofqs]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

This may be why he avoids you sometimes. He seems to want to be friendly because of the kids but hasn't really shown any interest for whatever reason and perhaps feels awkward that you're staring at him. 

I dont know what you've read, he is the one staring at me.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Fullofqs said:

I dont know what you've read, he is the one staring at me.

That's ok however he's not asking you out or pursuing conversations too much so it seems he's trying to be polite because of the children and running into you.  He doesn't seem interested for whatever reasons, maybe he has a GF or something. 

[Fullofqs]

8 minutes ago, La.Primavera said:

I think this is just one of those situations where you may have mistaken his attraction to you for interest in pursuing something more.  Sometimes we assume that if a guy is looking at us in certain way and showing some interest, then he must want more.  This is not the case.  It is just attraction, and it is very common, especially for men, including the shy ones. 

He very likely senses that you want things to progress, hence the coldness to make it clear that he is not interested in dating.  Common behavior for someone who is a bit socially awkward and lacks the confidence and skill of deflecting a woman's interest more subtly. 

It may feel a bit disappointing, but you don't have to see it as a slight against you.  There could be so many reasons for this, including another woman you are not aware of.

I wouldn't read much more into this guy's behavior or attempt to pursue him.

Thanks for your response.  I appreciate it and the insight.  I guess I have been reading too much into this and romanticizing it all.  He appears super attracted to me which , since I am a Leo, I fall for such admiration.  I felt like seeing the side eye stare was a sign there was still interest but he is scared to pursue but you are probably right that it is all only an attraction and I just need to let it go.  Thanks again.

[Foxhall]

1 hour ago, Djen said:

my friend's husband walked through the door and greeted me so wonderfully as we hadnt seen each other in a while and we were catching up as this guy was watching.  On one hand I was kind of happy to show him that talking to me could be a nice thing!!  On the other I was bummed he wasnt the one talking to me lol

It appears he is interested in you however he will likely also be a jealous type,

Its interesting the process of attraction isnt it- like hes not doing anything particularly endearing yet you are attracted to him.

[Djen]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's ok however he's not asking you out or pursuing conversations too much so it seems he's trying to be polite because of the children and running into you.  He doesn't seem interested for whatever reasons, maybe he has a GF or something. 

I will also add I dont just go and pursue conversations.  At the pool I went to get my child and left my purse on the bench and he went to sit beside my purse so it isnt like I went out of my way to say hello but yes he isnt asking me out and is surely being polite..some of the time.