Please help I'm the other woman and am desperate for help

[JustADepressedGirl]

OK so this is going to be a long post, I am in such an emotional mess right now and I need advice at this time I have no one in real life I can talk to about this and I feel so isolated and alone. I am an other woman I am 46 years old. MM is 8 years older than me.
I am going to go back in time to the start so that you all have the full picture.

When I was 12 years old I met my current MM, he was 20 at the time.
The first time we met (he's a relative of my best friend who is still to this day my best friend) I was wearing a short skirt and this obviously got his attention.
The chemistry and flirting was high, and he was my first love/crush, over time our relationship became sexual in nature, but obviously it was always a secret because I was underage and he had a girlfriend.

I never saw anything wrong at the time, I had all those firsts and all the feelings that go with that.  I looked back with fondness at those times.

As we grew up we all drifted apart as you do he got married to the girlfriend I mentioned before, I met someone at 19 years old and then got married (aged 23) myself.

My marriage turned out to be a nightmare, my children and I becoming victims of domestic violence, and in my mid 30s the police got my children and I out of the house and we returned to my home town. I went to criminal court and my ex was convicted of 7 different counts of domestic violence and I was granted a permanent restraining order. I don't want to go into too much detail about this but needless to say I was traumatised, I have anxiety, depression and CPTSD.
Needless to say this left me terrified of men, and I had no relationship with any man for the last 13 years.

Current MM and I were still In touch mostly via Facebook, at this point in time we were only friends. He remarried someone else, but we'd check in with each other every now and then.

Earlier this year we started to message a bit more frequently, things weren't going well in his life.
He was having problems with his extended family, in laws and his home life we'd both lost our dad's in recent years, (my Dad had died of Covid and I got long covid and had a complete mental break down I am now medicated for my mental health issues)

In any case the texting was getting more and more frequent, he was eventually texting me from first thing in the morning all the way to good night texts.
I initially thought he just needed a friend, I have very little experience with men, and the experience I do have wasn't good.
In hindsight I should have seen what was happening, but after a decade living with an abusive man who constantly told me I was ugly, useless, no one would ever want me and so on, you start to believe that, and I genuinely thought MM just wanted a friend and as we had known each other some 35 years this didn't seem all that wrong.

Of course texting every day as we were I was starting to get attached, I assume he was too, either that or he was a very good actor. But he was gaining my trust at any rate.
Eventually he came over to mine for a coffee, nothing happened that first visit,
But over the following week my feelings for him were getting stronger.
We continued texting every day, and the conversation eventually got a bit more shall we say spicy.

The following week he came over and it was clear the old chemistry was still there.
And that's how I found myself the other woman..
It's been 7 months, we almost had a D day
And though for short time we couldn't see each other by the next day he was texting me every day again.

Things lately have been harder, I feel like I love him, but I don't think he feels the same, he's not good with talking about feelings and is avoidant if we have disagreements.
He sometimes acts in a way that makes me think he cares, but then other times I think maybe he's just using me and taking advantage of the feelings I had for him when we were younger.

Recently we've been arguing over communication. And because of this he has been giving me the silent treatment for the last two days.

My head is in such a mess, and I just fear he doesn't care at all, I can't talk to anyone else about my worries, and when I try to talk to him he says I'm moody or goes radio silent...

I feel like I need to talk to someone and because he's left me so isolated giving me the silent treatment, I'm pretty close to just blowing the lid on all of it, telling everyone, come what may, and getting the support I need.
I thought I'd look for online support here before going nuclear.

Please I need outside eyes and ears and support. I don't know what to do, or to think, or how I feel.
Please be gentle with me.

[BaileyB]

Hello,

Before anyone responds, I’m curious to know if you have a counsellor or if you have ever done any counselling. 

And what kind of social support do you have? I realize that you don’t want to tell anyone about the affair, but do you have any close friends or siblings that can offer support during this difficult time?

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, JustADepressedGirl said:

I'm pretty close to just blowing the lid on all of it, telling everyone, come what may, and getting the support I need.

What do you envision would happen if you revealed the affair? What kind of support do you think you would receive and from whom? And, why do you feel it’s necessary to reveal the affair to receive support? 

[S2B]

I wouldn’t bother exposing it. He obviously is going to stay married.

his communication style is deficient - he goes silent (that’s mean) and I would be totally turned off by anyone who isn’t a skilled communicator - offering his truth.

honestly, I’d end it completely. I’d also block him.  I do t think he can give you anything close to a healthy relationship.

he’s more a predator than a friend - you do not need that!

do the work to be healthy and happy on your own first. Then seek a healthy relationship after that.

 

[JustADepressedGirl]

7 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

What do you envision would happen if you revealed the affair? What kind of support do you think you would receive and from whom? And, why do you feel it’s necessary to reveal the affair to receive support? 

Hello,

With regard to counselling I'm in the UK and there's not much available, I can't afford to pay privately. I had social services and women's aid when my marriage ended. But no formal counseling Mostly I think I pushed everything down and concentrated on my children and getting them the support they needed. (They were primary school age)

I am on various meds which take the edge of my symptoms. 

Losing my Dad to covid was traumatic and I think the straw that broke the camels back for me mentally. My doctor got me through the worst of it but so many deaths were happening at the time that was the extent of it.

I feel like I can't talk to many people, for MMs sake. My best friend is his cousin and though I can talk to her and I sometimes do, she obviously has a conflict. She's known us both all this time and thinks we should be together and I'm not really sure that's what I need to hear right now.

I haven't talked to many people because most of our friend groups are the same being as we grew up together so it's always been about protecting him.

I don't know what support I would get if any from friends and relatives I only know this is so isolating, I have a support network of friends for things relating to the domestic violence and my mental health struggles, and friends I can talk to about my father's death.

But I feel trapped to get advice and clarity about the affair there is fear of judgement of course, but also the covering for him, and it feels unfair that I don't feel I can turn to my friends and family for MMs sake.

I spent alot of time building my confidence back up after my marriage but obviously not as well as I thought.

 

[JustADepressedGirl]

18 minutes ago, S2B said:

I wouldn’t bother exposing it. He obviously is going to stay married.

his communication style is deficient - he goes silent (that’s mean) and I would be totally turned off by anyone who isn’t a skilled communicator - offering his truth.

honestly, I’d end it completely. I’d also block him.  I do t think he can give you anything close to a healthy relationship.

he’s more a predator than a friend - you do not need that!

do the work to be healthy and happy on your own first. Then seek a healthy relationship after that.

 

Exposing it wouldn't be about his marriage it would be for me to get support, but it could end up travelling to his wife I suppose.

I think this becomes my issue, because if I look at the relationship logically instead of romanticising, I was under age when we met, and then this all recently feels a little like he's played on my feelings for him from back then (because I've been romanticising it) 

When the police got my children and I out of my marriage I promised myself I would never cover up for a man again. 

And somehow I've ended up here ashamed to seek support but when I have considered being open about it and getting support and clarity I've been encouraged not to (my best friend is his cousin) because of me being underage she thinks it could destroy his life and I would regret it.

But I think, was I taken advantage of when I was younger and now? And should I really be covering that up? 

I don't know if I'm being too emotional or if I actually do have the right to speak about my experiences..

I hope this makes sense my head is swimming right now 

[ExpatInItaly]

This man is gross. 

He was a man in his 20s going after a pre-teen. What does that tell you about his true nature? That is disturbing on many levels, and he seems just as disgusting now. You're both adults now, yes, but his behaviour with you when you were a kid speaks to a much darker side of him that was already present when he was an adult. 

You need to get away from him in every way, shape and form.  Exposing him will likely bring a lot of drama to your life. Are in the right emotional space to handle that? 

[MsJayne]

3 hours ago, JustADepressedGirl said:

But I think, was I taken advantage of when I was younger and now? And should I really be covering that up? 

Yes, absolutely. He's a child sex offender and that shouldn't be covered up. Ever.  

 

3 hours ago, JustADepressedGirl said:

I've been encouraged not to (my best friend is his cousin) because of me being underage she thinks it could destroy his life and I would regret it.

What about your life being destroyed? One abusive man after another. She should care more about you and less about protecting her shifty POS cousin. 

 

6 hours ago, JustADepressedGirl said:

My head is in such a mess, and I just fear he doesn't care at all

And your fear would be spot on correct. He preyed on you when you were a child and he's preying on you now. Whether you take action is up to you, only you know whether you could deal with that. His re-entering your life is really just an extension of the abuse when you were a child. He certainly deserves to be exposed, both as a child sex offender and a philanderer.  At the very least give yourself the satisfaction of putting the wind up him by telling him you're considering reporting his paedophilia, so you can have the fun of watching him s**t his pants. Plus you should make sure his wife finds out what he did, she probably doesn't deserve to be treated like dirt either. 

Edited October 22, 2023 by MsJayne
Add on

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, JustADepressedGirl said:

When the police got my children and I out of my marriage I promised myself I would never cover up for a man again. 

 I think, was I taken advantage of when I was younger and now? 

Sorry this is happening. Please don't let this man around your children. Delete and block this predator from all your social media and messaging apps. . Please research "trauma bond".  Please don't be embarrassed to seek support. 

[BaileyB]

Just a depressed girl,

I wish that I could give you a hug. I’m sorry for the loss of your Dad. You have experienced a lot of trauma, in your marriage and with your father’s passing, you are a strong person to lived through these experiences but this kind of trauma is difficult to heal. It’s good that you have a supportive physician and some friends you can talk with… I would strongly advise that you continue to look for some free counselling - through NHS, would your physician be able to help you to access the support of a counsellor? 

The very first thing that jumped out at me is that this adult man formed a very inappropriate relationship with a 12 year old child. You didn’t say at what age this relationship became sexual but it’s very inappropriate for an 18 year old young man to be forming any kind of intimate relationship/friendship with a 12 year old child.

It’s not hard to understand why you feel so strongly about this man given your past history with the man. And by that, I mean, this feels to me like child abuse. He “befriended” you and there was a significant power imbalance because of the age difference. You are now an adult but you are STILL in an unhealthy relationship with the man because it is an extramarital affair and given the nature of the relationship, there is a significant power imbalance. You are experiencing that as we speak - by the way that he is giving you the silent treatment and does so when you become too needy and demanding. That is a form of manipulation and it feels terrible. 

I’m assuming that you re-engaged in this relationship believing that he would offer love and support. I would gently suggest that he took advantage of your trust and vulnerability at a very young age and he has done the same now as an adult. 

You have some very unhealthy relationship patterns going on here that you will need to understand to move forward in a healthy and happy way. Thus, the suggestion that you find a counsellor if you can. 

In terms of how to deal during this moment of crisis, I would seek support wherever you can find it. Post here, talk to a friend - you can discuss the “affair” with a close friend without revealing his identity. I would simply say, I am in a relationship with a man and it’s very unhealthy for me. I need to find the strength to leave. Help me. 

My word of caution, I’m not concerned in the slightest about protecting him but I don’t think it would be wise to reveal his identity as your affair partner. I say this because I’m concerned about your well being. If you are under the misguided notion that this will endear you to him - that he will be forced to make a decision and chose to be with you - you are likely to be disappointed. If you want to end this affair, telling the wife is usually the way to go about it. The affair partner usually gets unceremoniously dumped which can be a gift - it forces you to move on from this unhealthy relationship. I don’t know that it will change the support offered by family and friends - it may actually decrease the support as friends in the same social circle are forced to choose sides or don’t want to get involved. Just something to think about - revealing the affair/your affair partner is a dangerous game to play and you need to do so only with very realistic expectations of the result. 

 

Edited October 22, 2023 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please don't let this man around your children.

This is very wise advice. 

[BaileyB]

34 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

revealing the affair/your affair partner is a dangerous game to play and you need to do so only with very realistic expectations of the result. 

To say it differently - you have absolutely no control of the situation anymore once the affair is revealed. 

I’m sure that you’ve received more than you bargained for when you made your post. You knew that it was inappropriate that your relationship began when you were underage, but it must be pretty shocking to hear people say that it was child abuse and to call him an abuser/predator. I would suggest that you take a deep breath when you read those words. Sit with them for a while, don’t dismiss it or defend it. Just sit with it and think about your child at that same age forming a relationship with an 18 year old boy. 

Coincidentally, I watched a documentary this afternoon on abuse in sports. Adult women have come forward to discuss the emotional, physical, and sexual abuse they experienced from their coaches when they were children. Their comment - he was my abuser but I still sought his approval. His opinion mattered more than any other - and he was the man who hurt me. 

I felt the same reading your post. You bonded with this man at a very early age - very inappropriately. You are now an adult but you are STILL looking to this man for validation, affection, approval, comfort - and that’s a problem. It’s a problem because he took advantage of your youth and vulnerability. It’s a problem because he is married to another woman. And it’s a problem because you are not going about this is in a healthy way. You are making decisions from not a good place, out of loneliness and depression and fear, and you are starting to understand that these aren’t exactly good decisions. 

Fin my humble opinion, your first step is to block this man. But, I’m sure that’s really scary for you. So, I would first find someone to talk with who can offer their love and support as you take this step. Again, you don’t have to disclose more than you need/want to disclose - But, you will need support and you should not feel badly for asking for it. ❤️

[glows]

OP, can you cut him off cold turkey. As in delete block buh bye. Permanently. I don’t see what you see in him. He’s unavailable, his communication is the pits, he cheats. He’s a pedo. Run far far away after you hide your children.

[JustADepressedGirl]

I am still here reading and thinking about all you are all saying to me, this is alot to process even though I think part of me knew I needed to hear it and that's why I posted our entire history. 

Thank you all I will come back to the thread once I've sat with it all for a while. 

I am very confused and conflicted because I feel like I love this man but I am also starting to see that there is a massive imbalance still.

I need to get my head straight 

[d0nnivain]

You are confused.   You know deep down you don't love him.  You are harking back to a simpler time when you were young.  Then he was stealing your innocence  & has groomed you to think of him as a protector when all along he was the predator  

Between your dad's death & your long covid which led to medications & depression you are not thinking clearly.  Ask whoever is prescribing the meds for you to set you up with a talk therapy counselor.  Work with that person to become strong enough to break away from this guy & cut all contact.  He's not good for you 

[glows]

5 hours ago, JustADepressedGirl said:

I am still here reading and thinking about all you are all saying to me, this is alot to process even though I think part of me knew I needed to hear it and that's why I posted our entire history. 

Thank you all I will come back to the thread once I've sat with it all for a while. 

I am very confused and conflicted because I feel like I love this man but I am also starting to see that there is a massive imbalance still.

I need to get my head straight 

I suggest you stop telling yourself you love him - be aware of how you self-talk and frame this situation. Please seek support if you’re a survivor of DV. Break the cycle. It will keep happening and you will keep dating and believing you deserve abusive individuals in your life if you don’t break this cycle and learn what patterns and behaviours to avoid. Somewhere along the way you tricked yourself into believing abuse is love. 
 

Edited October 23, 2023 by glows

[mark clemson]

On 10/22/2023 at 6:22 AM, JustADepressedGirl said:

My head is in such a mess, and I just fear he doesn't care at all

Why is it always all or nothing with this stuff.

If you're concerned whether he cares - he probably does to at least some extent. After all you've had apparently many years of a relationship together, however socially inappropriate it may have been. However, practical matters very frequently trump sentiment in life, so if he has to choose between you and giving up the rest of his life, he'll probably opt for keeping the latter. People give up on romantic relationships for overriding practical reasons all the time - you're not likely to be one of the rare exceptions to this.

That said it's pretty clear you and he normalized some pretty socially inappropriate things in your relationship. What many would consider to be grooming (regardless of when the physical aspect of your relationship started), and also the cheating.

I'd suggest that, rather than being "desperate for him" and hanging on his every change in mood, you consider seeking therapy to help you adjust and feel "ok" without him. If you can normalize life without him (without feeling insecure alone or similar) then whether he's talking to you this week or not will no longer be of major concern to you. That would be the first step towards ending what seems to be a very emotionally unhealthy relationship and perhaps eventually moving on towards something more positive.

[stillafool]

On 10/22/2023 at 12:45 PM, JustADepressedGirl said:

But I feel trapped to get advice and clarity about the affair there is fear of judgement of course, but also the covering for him, and it feels unfair that I don't feel I can turn to my friends and family for MMs sake.

What about your best friend, his cousin, don't you confide in her?  If she wants you and MM to be together, she must not judge your relationship.

[JustADepressedGirl]

44 minutes ago, stillafool said:

What about your best friend, his cousin, don't you confide in her?  If she wants you and MM to be together, she must not judge your relationship.

She doesn't judge our relationship, and she does want us together.

We've been friends from very young kids. And she knows all the ins and outs of course. She loves me and him. 

But part of what I'm struggling with is the two sides of me the romantasising side of me, and the logical thoughts about it all.  I feel like a spinning coin that hasn't landed on either side yet.

[BaileyB]

People who follow their hearts while ignoring logical thought tend to find themselves broken hearted more often than not.  

Ideally, a partner would be good for both our hearts and our head. If it’s a choice between the two, I say use your head. 

Besides, it doesn’t sound like it’s a question of “being together” or not. Unless he is planning to file for divorce, that’s not really an option. You are choosing between settling for what you have now or ending the relationship. Considering the way that he shuts you down when it’s not convenient for him, I wouldn’t have the expectations that he is going to leave his marriage and/or be a good partner for you. 

[S2B]

Imagine things exactly the same in ten years - and ask yourself if you’d say you are happy you stayed with a married man..,

 

[tynkrbel]

 Cheating is a CHARACTER and an INTEGRITY issue.

If He would cheat on His Wife, He would cheat on You.

You should consider Your own Character and Integrity as You, too, are cheating on His Wife.

I have great empathy, sympathy for what You endured with Your Husband.  That being said, it is not excuse nor reason to become involved with a Married Man.  It doesn't matter if You've known Him for a long time, it doesn't matter if You have a 'history' with Him.  It matters that You have no future with a Man who cheats on His Wife.

I hope You find  SomeOne You can 'confide' in,  SomeOne who  will 'help' You see the hopelessness of Your relationship with this Man.  This Man is using You while using His Wife, while using You while using Her !!

 

 

[JJ_1990]

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I too am the other woman and I understand the loneliness, frustration and unbearable isolation of being in this situation. 

I am 3.5 years in to an affair and the pros are outweighed by the cons,  but I've had so much loss in my life I can't bear letting go of the person who still loves me (albeit in his own, unconventional way).

I kept everything in because I couldn't talk to anyone. I have seen counsellors over the years but i was always too ashamed to admit it, even to them. Eventually I did tell a therapist and it was good to get some things off my chest, so I hope you can find someone to talk to in person. 

I don't want to tell you to block him and move on with your life because I know how hard thay would be, but I would advise you to work on your own life and focus on filling it with other things so that his presence seems smaller. Please do not end up in the toxic trap that I am in. I am working on myself to try to get out of my affair but it's incredibly difficult. 

I sympathise with you completely and I am sorry you feel this.

[basil67]

On 10/23/2023 at 12:22 AM, JustADepressedGirl said:

When I was 12 years old I met my current MM, he was 20 at the time.
The first time we met (he's a relative of my best friend who is still to this day my best friend) I was wearing a short skirt and this obviously got his attention.
The chemistry and flirting was high, and he was my first love/crush, over time our relationship became sexual in nature, but obviously it was always a secret because I was underage and he had a girlfriend.

I never saw anything wrong at the time, I had all those firsts and all the feelings that go with that.  I looked back with fondness at those times.

This is my history too:  Abused by an adult who I should have been able to trust.   Yes, I also had a crush but that does not justify an adult having sexual contact with a child.   You sound like a very sensible mother who cares about the wellbeing of her children.  So I think it's about time you cared for your inner child the way you would for your children.  Let your inner child know that none of this was her fault.

It's now time to view what happened between you and him for what it really was and take a long hard at who he really is:  A predator and a cheater 

Edited October 30, 2023 by basil67

[sandylee1]

On 10/22/2023 at 5:45 PM, JustADepressedGirl said:

Hello,

With regard to counselling I'm in the UK and there's not much available, I can't afford to pay privately. I had social services and women's aid when my marriage ended. But no formal counseling Mostly I think I pushed everything down and concentrated on my children and getting them the support they needed. (They were primary school age)

I am on various meds which take the edge of my symptoms. 

Losing my Dad to covid was traumatic and I think the straw that broke the camels back for me mentally. My doctor got me through the worst of it but so many deaths were happening at the time that was the extent of it.

I feel like I can't talk to many people, for MMs sake. My best friend is his cousin and though I can talk to her and I sometimes do, she obviously has a conflict. She's known us both all this time and thinks we should be together and I'm not really sure that's what I need to hear right now.

I haven't talked to many people because most of our friend groups are the same being as we grew up together so it's always been about protecting him.

I don't know what support I would get if any from friends and relatives I only know this is so isolating, I have a support network of friends for things relating to the domestic violence and my mental health struggles, and friends I can talk to about my father's death.

But I feel trapped to get advice and clarity about the affair there is fear of judgement of course, but also the covering for him, and it feels unfair that I don't feel I can turn to my friends and family for MMs sake.

I spent alot of time building my confidence back up after my marriage but obviously not as well as I thought.

 

Hi,

You mentioned being in the UK. You might find this helpful. There is a lot of support in the UK in the form of counselling. 

Look on the BACP directory or Counselling Directory. 

Here's something that absolutely fits the bill for your situation. 

https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/memberarticles/being-the-other-woman-the-other-side-of-infidelity