Difficulties with conflict

[keepinthepeace]

I'm having (and in fact have had for many years) problems in talking and resolving conflicts with my significant other.  

We have been together for years.  Connected very fast initially.  We had a ton of things in common.  We do ok in the bedroom.  In many ways we compliment each other too.  I'm maybe more laid back and they're more focused and organised.  We bond over music, food etc... In short I really really love them and I believe they feel the same way.  

But we do fight, and the dynamic there is just a huge problem for me.  they are much more direct than I am, so typically our arguments are about something I have done (or not done.)

Sometimes I agree with them that I did make a mistake/ was selfish/ whatever it is.  In this case I generally try to take the criticism/censure on the chin, apologize and make a note to myself to avoid doing whatever it was etc... I'm not always successful.  I can get defensive and deflect etc... But I honestly try.  

Often however, I feel like I either did nothing wrong, or it is something I see as completely inconsequential.  

In either case, the criticism can be quite severe and prolonged.  Like I went so far as to time it once (on a phone conversation so I could see the time ticking along) and I was essentially just taking a verbal beating for a bit over twenty minutes. I don't mean we had a twenty minute argument.  I mean we had maybe a ninety minute argument.  During which I just decided to just say "I know" and "I'm sorry" and nothing else for more than twenty minutes.  

Like I said, sometimes I feel it's understandable and maybe justified to some extent.  I've done some selfish things.  I wasn't nearly supportive enough when their dog died for example.  Other times it's over eating the last of some tasty thing in the fridge, or buying the wrong brand of a product, or some other minor disappointment that comes along.  

I've tried various strategies over the years.  Initially I would just apologise and hope we could move on.  I tend to avoid conflict, especially when it's over a minor point.  The problem with this is I just ended up apologising over and over again, sometimes several times a week if they were going through a particularly stressful time.  It just wasn't tenable long term.  It would make me resentful, and I felt like, without pushback, it would escalate and get worse.  I felt like the relationship was shifting somehow towards a bad parent-child dynamic or something.  

So after a while, I started pushing back.  I would point out instances of them doing something similar to what I had done.  I would tell them how and why it had happened and why I thought they shared some of the blame.  (I thought you said this-not that; if you want something very specific you need to give me very specific instructions, ideally in writing so I don't forget; this is just a misunderstanding/mistake and you're escalating it into a huge issue etc...) I might even call them spoiled or childish, if I felt the issue was minor enough, or tell them to get over it.  

This changed the dynamic to some extent, at least initially.  All fights would balloon and escalate, often into shouting and name calling on both sides.  Then there would either be a period of frosty silence, or they would break into tears and self-recrimination and I would feel a need to comfort them and apologise etc...

Eventually we had a couple of serious talks about how I felt the dynamic was messed up and needed to change.  They made an effort to avoid coming down on me too hard over small things and to avoid shouting/belittling language.  

But as time went by some of that old dynamic crept back in.  Often when fights got more intense they would suggest we needed to break up.  Finally we reached a point where I agreed.  I said we should break up. They were tearful, and sort of desperate.  They went into a spiral of self-reproach and panic and tears.  They promised to change.  I agreed to try and make it work.  

As it stands, we fight less, but we still fight, especially when work or other aspects of their life are stressing them out.  Usually I just shut down and take my licks for at least a while.  I find something I feel I can genuinely apologise for and otherwise just let the criticism wash over me.  Often it lasts long enough, or they move to a tone and volume that feels problematic, that I respond.  If I point out instances when they did something similar I'm "keeping a record" and "digging up the past".  If I point out where I feel they were also at fault I'm "shifting blame" or "gaslighting".  If they've reached the point of shouting and belittling, and I point that out, they shift to "of course, you're right.  You're perfect.  Thank you so much for being the bigger person".  

At times they reach for the worst possible psychological explanation for something.  I forgot to do the thing they asked because I just don't care about them/can't be bothered.  I deliberately misunderstood them so as to sabotage them.  Mistakes and misunderstandings can't just happen.  They are somehow deliberate acts.  

Sometimes I try to adopt a solution focussed approach.  "Okay, I forgot to buy the chicken we were going to eat for dinner.  Why don't I take you out for dinner? Why don't I make you some pasta instead?"   "No. I'm not hungry anymore."  "I don't want pasta.  I want chicken, in my own house, which you forgot.  It was one thing.  Why is that so hard to remember for you? You don't want me to eat? Is that it? Well you got what you wanted." Etc ..

Usually after an argument, they ask if I'm thinking of breaking up with them and I say no.  

Please bear in mind you're hearing my side with no input from them.  I'm not a saint and they're not evil.  I'd love some general support, but I guess I'm really just looking for effective strategies and approaches to dealing with/ defusing conflicts.  Bearing in mind they're kind of anxious and isolated at the moment, so I'm not ready to verbally slap them down or threaten to leave them or whatever.

 

 

 

[d0nnivain]

Criticism based on "you forgot" especially when you offer an alternative needs to be met with "Since you think I'm so bad at [task] now it's your responsibility."     The garbage about "you don't want me to eat" is ridiculous & childish.  

I forgot to defrost something for dinner last night so I came home with a pizza.  DH realized I hadn't taken anything out so he defrosted some chicken, but I didn't know that.  He didn't berate me for spending money on a pizza.  He said "Yum; thanks for the pizza" and chowed down.   We'll have chicken tonight.  

You're trying.  He's not. Tune it out or end the conversation.  Just because he wants to fight doesn't mean you have to.  Stop defending yourself.  Let him rant.  Meanwhile do something else.   For example when he was complaining about the dinner I would have started making the pasta.  

[stillafool]

Who is "them" and "they"?  Are you talking about more than one person?

[keepinthepeace]

One person.  I was trying to keep things unspecific.  Things on the internet can get out all over the place.  I don't necessarily want them or someone else I know connecting the dots on who we're talking about.  And besides I'm not sure if the gender of anyone involved is important information here anyway.  Assume we're a gay couple.  Assume we're a straight couple.  Assume I'm a man.  Assume I'm a woman.  What's the best way to deal with all this? 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, keepinthepeace said:

I'm maybe more laid back and they're more focused and organised.  sometimes I try to adopt a solution focussed approach.  "Okay, I forgot to buy the chicken we were going to eat for dinner.  Why don't I take you out for dinner? Why don't I make you some pasta instead?" 

How long have you been together? How long have you lived together? Are you legally married? (Meaning you are a financial unit and can't just "break up")

Do you both work and contribute roughly equally to household finances as well as household chores and responsibilities?  

Unfortunately there seems to be a lot of verbal abuse, resentment, contempt and passive-aggressive behaviors and acting out on both your parts.   

Your "solution focused" approach is an excellent example of passive- aggressive responding by simplifying your error and twisting it into "no big deal"  (dressed up as "laid-back") blaming the other instead for lack of resourcefulness to accommodate your error.

  So in essence rather than apologizing or running out to correct the error, you just suggested the other fix the problem you created and discounted and dismissed feelings in the process. 

If you plan on staying together, please stop threatening to breakup, that's a nuclear way to win an argument.  Perhaps couples therapy could help if you both want to stay together. 

Edited October 18, 2023 by Wiseman2

[d0nnivain]

@Wiseman2

 

Can you clarify please?   I don't see where forgetting to pick up chicken but offering to take them both out or make pasta is  failing to consider his feelings, downplaying the seriousness of the oversight or rug sweeping.   The OP offered a fix.  What's the problem?  

I had an EX who criticized every time I tried to clean.  Nothing was ever good enough.  He'd sigh & make a fuss then reclean whatever I just spent time doing.   I said screw it & never lifted a finger again.  I'd put my dishes in the dishwasher & do my own laundry but that was about it.   When they always criticize sometimes you have to throw it right back.  

[keepinthepeace]

22 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been together? How long have you lived together? Are you legally married? (Meaning you are a financial unit and can't just "break up")

Do you both work and contribute roughly equally to household finances as well as household chores and responsibilities?  

Unfortunately there seems to be a lot of verbal abuse, resentment, contempt and passive-aggressive behaviors and acting out on both your parts.   

Your "solution focused" approach is an excellent example of passive- aggressive responding by simplifying your error and twisting it into "no big deal"  (dressed up as "laid-back") blaming the other instead for lack of resourcefulness to accommodate your error.

  So in essence rather than apologizing or running out to correct the error, you just suggested the other fix the problem you created and discounted and dismissed feelings in the process. 

If you plan on staying together, please stop threatening to breakup, that's a nuclear way to win an argument.  Perhaps couples therapy could help if you both want to stay together. 

We've been together for many years.  More than five and less than ten.  We've swung back and forth in terms of who was contributing more financially, or doing more housework.  We've generally shared responsibilities.  Probably overall they do more housework.  In the past there have been times when I was a lot less busy with work and did more.  It can be by area a bit too.  Maybe I end up doing more dishes, and they end up doing more dusting/cleaning, but I do more hoovering.  That kind of thing.  

[MsJayne]

'They' sounds like a chronic complainer whose hobby is nit-picking and bringing you down. 

On 10/19/2023 at 1:43 AM, keepinthepeace said:

During which I just decided to just say "I know" and "I'm sorry" and nothing else for more than twenty minutes.  

This sentence speaks volumes. Like you're just so exhausted by the regular steamrolling that you've given up arguing. You're not the one doing the gas-lighting in this relationship.

On 10/19/2023 at 1:43 AM, keepinthepeace said:

I've done some selfish things.  I wasn't nearly supportive enough when their dog died for example. 

In what way did you fail? You didn't personally carry the dog up to Dog Heaven? You didn't cry enough?

My suggestion is a trip to a relationship counsellor, and the reason I suggest it is that a good counsellor will quickly pick up on who the troublemaker is and can make the necessary referrals to more specialised help. It sounds like 'They' might have some issues which need diagnosing by a qualified professional. 

[NuevoYorko]

If you want to be in this relationship you need to ditch the passive-aggressive moves and the "tit for tat" ones, and simply establish some boundaries for yourself.   When you know what they are,  resolve to stick with them and also communicate them to your partner.

I'm talking about NOT being available for 90 minutes of arguing and being berated over the phone.

Not being available for berating or yelling.

Etc.  

You will need to determine how you will withdraw from these episodes rather than engage, and then be religious about maintaining the boundaries.

As it is now, you are a full participant by being available, and more so when you help to escalate them by pointing out how they did this or that wrong themselves during a dead end argument.

[mark clemson]

On 10/18/2023 at 8:43 AM, keepinthepeace said:

In either case, the criticism can be quite severe and prolonged.  Like I went so far as to time it once (on a phone conversation so I could see the time ticking along) and I was essentially just taking a verbal beating for a bit over twenty minutes. I don't mean we had a twenty minute argument.  I mean we had maybe a ninety minute argument.  During which I just decided to just say "I know" and "I'm sorry" and nothing else for more than twenty minutes. 

I'd interpret this as either emotionally "bashing" you OR as severe over-analyzing. Things are rarely so complex they take 90 minutes to resolve (and if they do, you have a calm sit down together and analyze whatever it is).

So it sounds very much like emotions are driving the train and you have normalized "non-constructive criticism" into your relationship. (Which explains you posting here.)

If you want to keep this relationship going, I'd suggest you strongly consider couples therapy, as it very much sounds like you both need to find alternate ways of communicating when you have differences to resolve.

[BaileyB]

I would suggest counselling to work on developing healthy communication/conflict  resolution skills for both of you in the relationship. 

One thing that I once heard Dr Phil say that has really stuck with me - one of the greatest predictors of the long term success of a relationship is whether you are able to fight fairly. More specifically, when there is conflict (because every relationship has conflict), does each person allow their partner to keep their dignity. 

Based on what you’ve written here, I would say that’s a resounding No. Which is why my suggestion is counselling - you both need to learn how to fight fairly - ie. how to communicate your feelings in such a way that you get your needs met without destroying your partner in the process…  ie. some boundaries need to be agreed that allows you to settle disagreements in a way that allows your partner to keep their dignity. 

Edited October 20, 2023 by BaileyB

[basil67]

Their behaviour is abusive and I would have left them along time ago.  Why are you still together?   Serious question.    

 

 

[Wiseman2]

On 10/18/2023 at 11:43 AM, keepinthepeace said:

 I tend to avoid conflict,  I might even call them spoiled or childish, if I felt the issue was minor enough, or tell them to get over it.  

If everything that's important to her is "minor" or "childish", is it possible for you to move out on your own? This way you can finance things the way you want and buy whatever you want and keep your place however you want. You seem to have very little respect for each other so perhaps it's time to picture an empty refrigerator and house. 

[glows]

I don’t know why you let this get so far in the first place. The first time “they” berated you you should have said something. Not to lash out and pick on “them” but to state clearly that it wasn’t done on purpose and you don’t appreciate being spoken to in that tone. That person is a bully and you’re at risk of turning into one yourself. 

Be exactly clear in what you mean and say. If this person has such an issue with you “they” shouldn’t be with you in the first place. I suggest a sit down and explain that this isn’t going much further the same way anymore. More mutual respect is needed from the both of you and once things escalate and get heated the conversation ends. You move apart and you separate yourselves from the same room if you cannot control your tongues because that is exactly how you both need to time out. If you cannot work on your impulses and need to engage, then physically be in different rooms.

It doesn’t matter how isolated someone is or whatever their sad story is. People survive and you learn through hard times and hard lessons. You both are not good at respecting one another and also not good at respecting yourselves. So you accept bad behaviour in each other. All that has to change.